It Felt Like Eternity
For all of the brilliant ideas I kept having for blog entries I'm surprised to sit down and find out that they've snuck away from me while I was busy doing other things. I had to come up with something brand new that hadn't been thought out beforehand. More than that, I had to come up with something that I could actually post publicly. I always have critical thoughts, and I find that many of them are better left unsaid. Especially when you're so often given lame excuses for why something is wrong-- "That's just the way it is. Of course it doesn't make sense!" That's so passive it makes me sick. There, I said it.
This is the thought process that led me to consider my own passiveness at life. I'm not a proactive, aggressive person. I let things happen to me and then react to them, and I avoid doing anything that I find to be too much of a chore. I believe this is a result of several factors, such as laziness, low self-esteem, fear of failure and selfishness. But I suppose in a way I could also blame my desire for immortality.
That, by the way, is the flashy way of saying I'm afraid of dying.
The funny part about my fear is that I do believe that there is something beyond death. I prefer to say that I know there is, but I'll be more diplomatic about it for the non-believers. I really do believe that there is life after death, that souls or something similar to them exist, that there is a non-human force out in the universe with its finger in the honeypot that is humanity. Why the hell am I afraid then? I suppose because of what a huge shock and change it must be to go from one plane of existance to another. Even if I do believe that I know for sure there is something, I don't know exactly what it is or what it's like. And I'm selfish for life as I know it, life as I am.
But if I hang back doing little to further the steps of my life along it does feel as though time itself has slowed. It's such a well known fact that when you get busy, time flies. When you're bored and have nothing to do, it crawls. In reality we know that it only seems that way to us, but what is reality without perception? I know I'm getting into some hardcore cliches here, "If a tree falls in the forest" and all that, but I think my subconscious really does believe those things.
And I see other people doing this too. They put off tasks, delay chores, express annoyed compliance with the things that "just are" for no logical reason except that no one bothers to change them. Sometimes they're just being lazy, sometimes afraid that they're simply incapable; but sometimes I think they're just trying to squeeze a few more diluted, tasteless drops out of life in the pursuit of a longer life. Delaying everything in order to delay the inevitable last moment.
Of course, it's going to come anyways whether we're ready or not. And then we'll say, "Oh no! But I wasn't finished, this can't be the last one." And it will say back to us, "You had your chance, lady. It's off to the River Styx for you now." Then we'll say, "Oh that's just fine, I rather like them anyhow. Do you have karaoke down by the river?"
And that's why you should always do what you can when you can, unless you want to hear other people do classic rock karaoke for eternity. Except of course when living your life to the fullest inevitably leads to loss of said life or a severe downgrade in quality thereof. That's just bloody stupid, and it honestly annoys the crap out of me when people take that concept too far. There's a line, and that line is drawn in dirt by a scythe. But I digress.
This is the thought process that led me to consider my own passiveness at life. I'm not a proactive, aggressive person. I let things happen to me and then react to them, and I avoid doing anything that I find to be too much of a chore. I believe this is a result of several factors, such as laziness, low self-esteem, fear of failure and selfishness. But I suppose in a way I could also blame my desire for immortality.
That, by the way, is the flashy way of saying I'm afraid of dying.
The funny part about my fear is that I do believe that there is something beyond death. I prefer to say that I know there is, but I'll be more diplomatic about it for the non-believers. I really do believe that there is life after death, that souls or something similar to them exist, that there is a non-human force out in the universe with its finger in the honeypot that is humanity. Why the hell am I afraid then? I suppose because of what a huge shock and change it must be to go from one plane of existance to another. Even if I do believe that I know for sure there is something, I don't know exactly what it is or what it's like. And I'm selfish for life as I know it, life as I am.
But if I hang back doing little to further the steps of my life along it does feel as though time itself has slowed. It's such a well known fact that when you get busy, time flies. When you're bored and have nothing to do, it crawls. In reality we know that it only seems that way to us, but what is reality without perception? I know I'm getting into some hardcore cliches here, "If a tree falls in the forest" and all that, but I think my subconscious really does believe those things.
And I see other people doing this too. They put off tasks, delay chores, express annoyed compliance with the things that "just are" for no logical reason except that no one bothers to change them. Sometimes they're just being lazy, sometimes afraid that they're simply incapable; but sometimes I think they're just trying to squeeze a few more diluted, tasteless drops out of life in the pursuit of a longer life. Delaying everything in order to delay the inevitable last moment.
Of course, it's going to come anyways whether we're ready or not. And then we'll say, "Oh no! But I wasn't finished, this can't be the last one." And it will say back to us, "You had your chance, lady. It's off to the River Styx for you now." Then we'll say, "Oh that's just fine, I rather like them anyhow. Do you have karaoke down by the river?"
And that's why you should always do what you can when you can, unless you want to hear other people do classic rock karaoke for eternity. Except of course when living your life to the fullest inevitably leads to loss of said life or a severe downgrade in quality thereof. That's just bloody stupid, and it honestly annoys the crap out of me when people take that concept too far. There's a line, and that line is drawn in dirt by a scythe. But I digress.
posted by Rachel Storm at
6:34 PM
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