The Unity in Community

Unlike those who have jumped on the latest social networking sites only in the last few years, I've been communicating socially with others on the internet for about 10 years. There are many out there who have been doing it even longer than that, hearkening back to the days of listserv's and very low-tech message boards. As a young teen I played around with AOL's chat rooms, but it was a couple years later that I started getting on email discussion lists.

My first and primary list was RBFMOJO, a list to discuss the band Reel Big Fish among many other things. I made a lot of friends on that list, I even talk to a couple of them to this day. But there was also a mean streak that ran through our little community. Blame it on teenage hormones, on clashing personalities or on the anonymity of the internet. But we had fights, and some of them got pretty ugly. I was one of the group that posted most often, a sort of clique within the community. I was also one of that clique who was a troublemaker.

When I say I was a troublemaker, I don't mean that I started arguments. Quite often I was reacting to something stupid somebody else said and trying to cut them down to size for being a moron, or defending one of my friends or an innocent bystander. I was trying to be the voice of reason at times. It was the first time in my life that I really felt armed to effectively defend myself against the words of others, and I ran with it. They couldn't see me get upset or cry, I had time to choose my words carefully and best of all I had people, friends who would back me up. Not so in real life, unfortunately; which is why I loved that group during that time.

But over the years as I've been involved in various communities-- other discussion lists, Yahoo groups, online journals, journal communities, message boards, social networking sites, etc.-- I've been able to take a broader view and understand what many of us truly need out of these communities, and what is often sorely lacking.

There's so little support and respect in a lot of them. Internal bickering among members, fighting over stupid details. People trying to force their opinions on others, people who just type to hear themselves talk and feel important without regard for the feelings of others. Members get defensive, get angry, and then everyone else watching the fight happening are made uncomfortable and decide to leave the group. Cliques form, but they are mostly to fend off other members and give the illusion of security to those within the clique.

Not every community is like this. For example, I'm in a community bonded by a common illness that's been absolutely amazing. It's not perfect obviously, but most members try to at least be respectful, even if they disagree at times. I think it's because we all know how horrible the disease we have can be and feel sympathy for one another, but I've seen other communities for this illness that are not as positive. I'm inclined to believe it's the way this particular community was set up in the first place, in addition to the specific people involved that makes it such a welcoming, enjoyable place to be.

Some of the other communities I'm not proud to be a part of have constant bickering. One in particular is related to my career, and is a place where we can all go to vent or rant about the aspects of our job that frustrate us, or people we have to work with that do crazy things. It's about letting the stress out, sharing our shock, anger and amusement (whatever the case may be) and can be very helpful and therapeutic. That is, until the PC-police show up. I don't know why certain members find it necessary to do this, but they are always watching for any little discriminatory remark, or un-PC opinion. And as soon as they find it, they pounce like a predator.

It's sickening and sad to watch them attack their fellow members and fellow professionals in this field just because they decided to describe an individual's ethnicity. Or because they expressed an opinion that by any stretch of the imagination, could possibly restrict a group of people from doing something they want. Endless debates about whether the descriptive details were necessary to the story, endless arguments over who gets to do what in a public place. Insults, accusations, assumptions, you name it.

Where is the solidarity? By the very nature of this community, our field deals with a lot of crazy members of the general public who find it their life's goal to drive us insane or else otherwise into the ground by demeaning us. So we're going to do it to eachother, too? Way to make a stand with your sisters and brothers.

That isn't to say that I'm immune. I jump in too when I've had a bad day and just need somebody faceless to ream into. But usually I'm still on the side of reason, asking why we have to attack eachother. I just do it with clever insults and witty sarcasm that enrages my targets even more. I hope some day that they'll learn not to take everything so seriously or personally, the way I did all those years ago. But chances are I just spur them on. Luckily I know when to stop-- usually when I just plain lose interest. It doesn't take long, because like I said... I don't take the individual comments that seriously.

What I do take seriously is the larger problem. People would rather be in conflict than in union. They'd rather be at war than be forced to deal with themselves in a time of peace. Fighting is a great distraction from the world inside, the ugliness that can and does exist inside each of us. But ignoring that will only make the world uglier and darker, and lead to the destruction of life as we know it. I know that sounds a bit overdramatic, I'm not suggesting that one argument in a Facebook group is going to end the world. But the patterns we're perpetuating by allowing it to not just happen once, but over and over again all over the internet (and the real world as well) most likely will be the end of us. Maybe not soon, but eventually.

And where I started this I will also end it, since Reel Big Fish once covered a song called "Unity" by Operation Ivy that spoke right to the heart of what I'm saying:

Civilization- Ha, I call it as I see it
I call it bullshit you know, I still cannot believe it
Our evolution now has gone the way of hate
A world evolved, resolved into this stupid fate.

All so different, yeah, I say we're all the same
All caught you know in the division game.
Self destruction fast, impending like a bullet
No one can stop it once its fired no one can control it.

A final word, wait it's not a call to action
We ain't no sect, no this ain't no fucking faction
Unity, unity, unity you've heard it all before.
This time it's not exclusive: We want to stop a war.

Love & Marriage

In the morning on my way to work, I usually listen to a particular radio station. I do have a CD player, but it will not work when the car is below a certain temperature. Even when it is warm enough to work, sometimes I just feel like mindlessly listening to chatter. I've grown to like the morning show on this particular station because the deejays are so ridiculously funny and upbeat. There's also a certain level of trash factor, like a talk show, and I have an affinity for some trash.

Like a lot of morning shows, they have topics every morning that people call in and discuss. Recently the topic of marriage has come up in at least a couple of their more specific topics-- today's was "Surprise! I'm calling off the wedding!" I've been hearing a lot of people express their aversion to marriage, and it really kind of puts me off. I guess I'm a little surprised at how many people out there want nothing to do with it.

Now I'm not the type of person who wants to force everyone to agree with me. Don't listen to my boyfriend if he tells you I am, and he probably would. What I have is a competitive streak which when informally challenged to debate comes screaming out into the open. I don't like being told that I'm wrong for my opinions, and sometimes the way others express themselves can sound very challenging.

No, if someone just isn't interested in marriage that's fine. What do I care? As long as they're not somebody I was hoping to marry, it's ultimately their business.

But me, I want to get married. I want the proposal, the wedding, the reception, the honeymoon. And I want a marriage that lasts long after those things are over and done with. I don't want it for religious reasons. I don't really care about a gigantic expensive wedding. I'm a very practical woman, and I definitely don't have illusions about some big diamond engagement ring. For me it's about family and friends, getting to celebrate a major event in life with everyone you care about around you. I know that our society has created other ways of accomplishing this without actually achieving the dreaded m-word. But this is a tradition that goes way way back, and I don't see it hurting anybody. I actually like it.

Part of this is I'm sure because of the marriage I witnessed between my parents. They've been married for over 30 years, and they're happy. It doesn't mean everything has been absolutely perfect, I have a couple specific memories that were not my favorite. And they fight, like anyone. Nevermind what fights they might have had when I wasn't around. But they're fine and they love eachother. And I've marveled at how my dad has put up with my mom, at times. I couldn't do it, our personalities clash in the wrong places. But they did, and that makes me optimistic about being able to do it myself-- with the right person.

I guess I just feel bad for people out there who might be missing out on something that a part of them wants, but that they're denying themselves because of fears and issues that they have. I'm sure that there are people out there who are perfectly happy being alone, or happy being with somebody without ever getting married. I just worry for the ones who could be happiest with marriage, if they could only get past their self-restrictions.