Sexual Self
I realized something extremely important today. Before I finally organized my thoughts and feelings about this, it really was a source of irritation to me. Maybe it will still be even now, but at least now I understand this better.
Ever since I was a young girl I've had this battle inside me when it came to sex. Strong curiosity versus undeniable guilt-- it's so cliche, but I never thought about it this way before. I was always very curious about sex, and I'd say easily titillated by sexual ideas, images, etc. So I sought them out, to learn more about whatever this thing was that made me feel so strangely.
Although the 1980's weren't the most repressive times for women, I think something of our society still gave me the impression that these things were supposed to be private. That I should be embarrassed for being interested in them. Plus I was raised Catholic, and... well, I don't think I have to explain that. For years I felt horrible about it all, even making it into an addiction that had to be conquered-- though it wasn't, it wasn't anything near that. I was fine, and I eventually realized that after I started reading teen magazines and saw the same questions from other girls my age. Saw the answers that the magazines gave: normal, healthy, you're okay.
It was still very hard to shake that guilt though, even once I was in college on my own, with my first boyfriend. I think many times, I still felt guilty for the feelings I had and the things I did. And between then and recently, I had done one or two things I wasn't proud of. Nothing horrible, just encounters that I regret because they weren't worth it. The past couple years I've found myself much more comfortable with my sexual self, and feeling less restricted because of it.
Now our society seems to be praising promiscuity and sexually adventurous people-- calling it normal, or at least pretending it's normal just because celebrities or characters act in such ways. In the age of casual sex and whatnot-- anyone reading this must know what I mean. It's like... if you aren't ridiculously dirty and lustful, there's something wrong and repressed about you.
I think that's incredibly misleading. It's true, it's totally normal to enjoy sex and being a sensual human being-- furthermore, it's completely 100% okay. And there are a lot of healthy ways to express that, though some might be kind of unconventional. But is it okay to have sex with people you barely know? Is it okay to engage in potentially dangerous sexual habits? Indulge illegal activities just to get your kicks? Sometimes I hear about people's sex lives on the radio or online, and I just want to ask... What happened to you to make you act this way? It must be something, something bad.
There are some things that I know I will never do. And some people might think that I'm a prude for it, or that I'm not open-minded enough. Well... if they want to sling arrows, I have a few I could sling back at them. Yes, I do judge people who engage in acts that I think they shouldn't, because I think my reasons for not doing them are good ones. You can still do whatever you want, and I'll keep thinking whatever I want, and no one will know the difference.
But me? Well, up until now I actually let myself feel bad for knowing what I didn't want. That was until I realized that I'm perfectly fine.
Being open to sex and sexuality doesn't mean you will disrespect yourself. It doesn't mean you're promiscuous or casual about sex. It doesn't mean you have to do everything everyone else does, or that you have to do everything your partner wants to do. It means that you're honest with yourself and have respect for your own feelings.
That's what I am. Open, honest and respectful of myself. I love sex, I love pleasuring and being pleasured. I'm comfortable talking about it and don't shy away from certain topics. I'm 100% heterosexual for now, and any man who has an issue with that would be completely insane-- but I'm also not above mentally testing that percentage from time to time.
All that openness and honesty doesn't mean that sex doesn't mean anything to me. It isn't just sex, and I don't think it should be. It means more. It's intimacy-- the kind that is primarily meant for two people. It involves trust and vulnerability, and engaging in it with the attitude of trusting everyone or trusting no one won't get you very far. Maybe some people don't care about their relationships with others, but I'd thank those people to stay away from me. I also hope they don't breed, because our species would be sad and pitiful if it were full of people like that.
I think the most important part of all of this, in not only examining oneself sexually but entirely, is the willingness to put yourself under the microscope. To challenge yourself, question your feelings and be open to change. If you can't do that, you'll be stuck where you are forever and can never feel what it's like to develop into a fully experienced, well-rounded person. The key is not being afraid to stand your ground when you find you have some to stand for.
Ever since I was a young girl I've had this battle inside me when it came to sex. Strong curiosity versus undeniable guilt-- it's so cliche, but I never thought about it this way before. I was always very curious about sex, and I'd say easily titillated by sexual ideas, images, etc. So I sought them out, to learn more about whatever this thing was that made me feel so strangely.
Although the 1980's weren't the most repressive times for women, I think something of our society still gave me the impression that these things were supposed to be private. That I should be embarrassed for being interested in them. Plus I was raised Catholic, and... well, I don't think I have to explain that. For years I felt horrible about it all, even making it into an addiction that had to be conquered-- though it wasn't, it wasn't anything near that. I was fine, and I eventually realized that after I started reading teen magazines and saw the same questions from other girls my age. Saw the answers that the magazines gave: normal, healthy, you're okay.
It was still very hard to shake that guilt though, even once I was in college on my own, with my first boyfriend. I think many times, I still felt guilty for the feelings I had and the things I did. And between then and recently, I had done one or two things I wasn't proud of. Nothing horrible, just encounters that I regret because they weren't worth it. The past couple years I've found myself much more comfortable with my sexual self, and feeling less restricted because of it.
Now our society seems to be praising promiscuity and sexually adventurous people-- calling it normal, or at least pretending it's normal just because celebrities or characters act in such ways. In the age of casual sex and whatnot-- anyone reading this must know what I mean. It's like... if you aren't ridiculously dirty and lustful, there's something wrong and repressed about you.
I think that's incredibly misleading. It's true, it's totally normal to enjoy sex and being a sensual human being-- furthermore, it's completely 100% okay. And there are a lot of healthy ways to express that, though some might be kind of unconventional. But is it okay to have sex with people you barely know? Is it okay to engage in potentially dangerous sexual habits? Indulge illegal activities just to get your kicks? Sometimes I hear about people's sex lives on the radio or online, and I just want to ask... What happened to you to make you act this way? It must be something, something bad.
There are some things that I know I will never do. And some people might think that I'm a prude for it, or that I'm not open-minded enough. Well... if they want to sling arrows, I have a few I could sling back at them. Yes, I do judge people who engage in acts that I think they shouldn't, because I think my reasons for not doing them are good ones. You can still do whatever you want, and I'll keep thinking whatever I want, and no one will know the difference.
But me? Well, up until now I actually let myself feel bad for knowing what I didn't want. That was until I realized that I'm perfectly fine.
Being open to sex and sexuality doesn't mean you will disrespect yourself. It doesn't mean you're promiscuous or casual about sex. It doesn't mean you have to do everything everyone else does, or that you have to do everything your partner wants to do. It means that you're honest with yourself and have respect for your own feelings.
That's what I am. Open, honest and respectful of myself. I love sex, I love pleasuring and being pleasured. I'm comfortable talking about it and don't shy away from certain topics. I'm 100% heterosexual for now, and any man who has an issue with that would be completely insane-- but I'm also not above mentally testing that percentage from time to time.
All that openness and honesty doesn't mean that sex doesn't mean anything to me. It isn't just sex, and I don't think it should be. It means more. It's intimacy-- the kind that is primarily meant for two people. It involves trust and vulnerability, and engaging in it with the attitude of trusting everyone or trusting no one won't get you very far. Maybe some people don't care about their relationships with others, but I'd thank those people to stay away from me. I also hope they don't breed, because our species would be sad and pitiful if it were full of people like that.
I think the most important part of all of this, in not only examining oneself sexually but entirely, is the willingness to put yourself under the microscope. To challenge yourself, question your feelings and be open to change. If you can't do that, you'll be stuck where you are forever and can never feel what it's like to develop into a fully experienced, well-rounded person. The key is not being afraid to stand your ground when you find you have some to stand for.
Labels: Life
posted by Rachel Storm at
8:03 PM
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