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06/15/2002 entry: "I need better song titles."

So, today I recorded.. I think 4 of my songs on the computer. Just cause I can. I also tried covering this one Veruca Salt song, but it was the first time I'd ever played it, so it kinda sucked. Eh, whatever. I have a bunch of songs I'd want to cover. But, the other 4 songs came out good. Except one of them, kind of puts a cramp in my fingers, so that one probably doesn't sound as good, but the quality is good I'd say.

Crap. Why am I even talking about this, huh? What the hell do you care? What the hell do I care? I don't know, but I must care if I'm bothering with this. Or else I'm just completely empty inside and I convince myself this fills that void.

I waited all of Spring term for summer. I thought, it'll be great. No dorm. No class. No walking everywhere. Air conditioning. Hanging out with Sara. While all that may be true, I forgot that I get just as depressed at home as I do at school. Especially when I don't have a job. I feel so completely useless. I'm bored. I'm restless. I'm stagnant. The only things I can do are clean my room and do things online. And sleep.

Effort? Who's ever heard of that? Yeah. Well, I don't know what else to say. I can't solve this right now. There are no answers here. I can't say, "Well! I'll motivate myself and blah blah blah and tomorrow I'll do this and this and this, etc etc". I just don't feel it. I feel like shit. I feel like I don't have a whole lot going for me right now, and that maybe tomorrow I shouldn't do anything. I should just sleep all fucking day and cry in my bed and make myself sick. But then again, that makes me sound pathetic and sad, maybe I shouldn't describe how depressed I get. No one will want to talk to me. Not that many do now anyhow, but you know.

Aaaand there goes my boyfriend, off to bed. I should go too, before I sink lower and get suicidal I suppose.

I just want to go to bed at night feeling like something is going right. But I rarely feel that way. Last night was an exception I think.

Maybe if I could at least throw out more of that shit in my room, I could feel better. Get my room clean. I'd feel like I can actually do something. But no. I can't get a job, I can't write more than 4 songs, I have like 2 friends I actually can see whenever our schedules allow, I have like one or two other friends I don't see nearly enough. Because of distance. I can't make myself feel happy about any decisions I make, when I can clear my mind enough to make them. I don't feel proud of majoring in psychology. I feel like a fucking heel. I feel worthless and bored and meaningless. My life is a broken record, and it's driving me insane. I can't stand repetition like that.

Okay, so whatever. If anyone has any advice, feel free to leave it here. Or just tell it right to me. Or, just ignore me and maybe the problem will go away and you won't have to pity me anymore.