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06/29/2002 entry: "On a more serious note,..."

Okay, new topic, new entry. I was thinking about something a little more serious today too.

I was thinking about my social attitudes. I guess that's what you would call them. I'm a very Internet type of person. I like the idea of getting to talk to people without visual first impressions. I like feeling more comfortable saying whatever's on my mind. I feel more confident when I'm online, whether that's a false feeling or not. I just think, why worry about what I'm saying? What are they going to do to me? But in real life, it's completely different for me.. Anyhow, that's not my point.

So, I'm someone who benefits from the anonymity of the internet. I can be a little different than I really am. But, I realized something today. That I don't think you can ever REALLY know someone just from talking on the internet. I know, some people would argue that. That's fine. But for me, I just feel like I don't ever really know someone unless I get the chance to talk with someone face to face once in a while. And I think you drift away from people when you can't see them. Or at least that things don't feel as real. Like, that your friendship seems kind of.. well, fictional. Not as real. Whatever. I can really say I know my friend Sara for a couple reasons. First, we've known eachother a LONG time. We've had plenty of time to learn about eachother. Second, we didn't even start talking on the computer until just recently, so we've had to use phone contact and face to face contact. And I think that's the most important thing I need in friendships. And sometimes I don't get it. And when I think about it, I feel like the people I only know over the internet are the ones I feel I don't know well enough, or the ones that I feel like I drift away from more easily. It has nothing to do with how much I like them, so if any of them are reading this and are confused or something, just know that. I may like them tons and enjoy talking to them, but it just seems so... distant. Because it's like you're talking to the computer, not them I guess?

Well, anyhow. I started thinking about that, because I was thinking about how much.. of a right I guess I have to feeling certain things when it comes to friendships. Like, with certain people, should I or shouldn't I want the friendship to be a little different. Not different bad, I mean different good. Like... better. Argh, I'm not explaining this well, am I? Well, let's just say with some of my friendships, I want more out of them... I guess. That sounds selfish, but I don't mean it that way. The best way I can say it is that I want them to be better friendships. I've noticed that the more I see someone, the better the friendship seems.

But, I wonder if I should want that? Like, I don't want to force someone to be good friends with me and all that if.. if they don't really want to. Or if they can't. Or something. Part of it is I'm so shy about things like that. I don't usually make a move unless the person is already a good friend. Like I can ask Sara or Peggy to hang out because I totally know they'd want to, and I already know they're good friends. But with other people, it's like... well, I don't know if that's what they want out of the friendship. Or if they even think about it at all. Probably not, because I know I think too much about that sort of thing. Hell, I think too much about who exactly I could call a "friend" even. Ha. I'm such a dork. Socially retarded maybe? Haha. I don't know.

But, well, I do think about these things. And I think I have some right to some kind of answers to some of my questions. Right? Maybe. I hope I do, because it sure would be nice to have some kind of clue. Ha, that rhymes.

Man, being shy sucks sometimes. I have this tension in my stomach that seems to stop me from making moves and speaking up. Even online. But in person, there's just so much more I'd like to say or do, but I don't, or I don't get the chance even.. Hm.

I know I seem like such a bitch sometimes on here. But I tend to care a lot about certain people, sometimes a little more than maybe I should, or maybe more than they'd like, or maybe more than they do.. yeah. Ack. That's why I'm mean sometimes online, I get frustrated with things like this I guess.

Then again, I think, what more could I ask for from some people who just don't have the time or energy to deal with me? And then I just decide to be glad with what I have and try my hardest not to feel too bad.

Well, that's enough on this. It's tiring and somewhat confusing to think in circles. But,

Maybe I'm just being silly.