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07/01/2002 entry: "I <3 my name"

I used to hate what my first name meant.. I'm not entirely sure why. Well, in case you didn't know, my first name is Rachel. It's a Hebrew name that means "ewe", as in the female sheep. I guess I didn't like the whole sheep idea. But, it's a fun name. Most language have their own version of it. The Polish version is Rachela. Hehe. The Russian form is Rahil.. I don't think I like that. The Swedish form is Rakel. Hawaiian, Lahela.. that's kind of odd. German, it's just Rachel. In Hebrew, I guess there are a couple different forms, Rachele and Rakel. I dunno, I just think it's fun to look at all this.

And for some strange reason, I like reading things that talk about my name biblically. You know, that Rachel in there who was Joseph's mother? Joseph and his damn technicolor dreamcoat. Anyhow, yeah. I like it because Jacob worked for Rachel's father for 7 years just to marry her, and then when her father made Jacob marry her older sister, Jacob worked for 7 more years to still get Rachel. That's really cool.

But, Rachel only had two kids, and she died while giving birth to the second. His name was Benjamin. It's a nice name. But that wasn't what she really named him, she named him a name that meant "son of my pain" but Jacob renamed him. There's also something about Rachel crying over a lost baby somewhere? I don't know. It's been years since I can handle being near a Bible, let alone reading anything in it. But, I like that story. Because you know, it has my name in it. And because that Rachel was supposed to really be something. I wish I was really something. Not that I'm nothing necessarily, she was supposedly really beautiful and desirable for a wife. Then again, I don't want that necessarily... I mean I want to be known for something, but not just for being beautiful or something. Though I don't have to worry about that, ha. But yeah.

But I feel bad saying stuff like that because Kevin obviously doesn't think I'm ugly or anything. But, you know, I'm a human being, and a girl at that. I don't feel like I'm anything to get excited about. I'd go on about why it's hard for me to believe I look anything more than average, but I'd just be making excuses instead of trying to change my mentality. Excuses excuses excuses.

Oh, but hey, I have a new car. Well, a used car. But it's a 1997 and my other car was a 1984. So ha. It's a Dodge Intrepid, like my mom's. It's kind of silver-grey or something. Nice. No goofy colors. Has a bigger engine than either of my parent's cars :D Mwuhahaha.

Hmmmmm so, there's another Steven show coming up this Friday. I'll have to ask Kevin if he wants to go, but I think we had some other kinds of plans... but then again, those plans were going to be in effect if he got off of work. So, in other words, probably a little earlier. And, it would be a trip downtown. Maybe I can get Sara to go with. Then she can drive, haha. I know I don't want to, and if Kevin drives up here, he's not going to want to drive to Chicago too. And, I do have to learn someday. And, I will have my new car.

We'll see though. I, of course, wouldn't mind at all :D If you read this journal at least semi regularly, you'd gather sooner or later that that particular event happening twice in the span of about a week is fantastic. Besides that, I'd get to see Steven with drums this time.

This is Steven's first Chicago show, too, and it would be really nice to be there for that. Since I'm not THAT far away from Chicago.

Hm. I wonder. It will be in Chicago, and I know Eric lives in Chicago. I wonder if he might be there? Haha Peggy said she saw him not too long ago when she went to Rock N Bowl (I think that's the right name). That's funny.

Wow, haha, if I go both to this Friday show and that Champaign thing, that'll be a whole lot of Steven this summer. I'm crazy. But I have no happenings or jobs that would stop me from doing these things, and I do want to do them.

Mmmm yeah.

I need to go to sleep though. Not that I have anything to get up for tomorrow. Just that I hate this whole pattern I've gotten into. Because the later I'm up, the more my mood goes down. And then I start thinking too much. And I get myself into mental and emotional trouble when I do that. And then I wake up late in the day, and I'm in a crummy mood, and then things just don't really get better until I have something to get up for or be somewhere else for.

I wrote a new song too. Well, I had the lyrics in this journal, and I found them last night. Then I picked out some chords for it last night, and then today I wrote the song. It's neat. And it's different than how my usual songs are. I think. Well... not really. Just that it doesn't sound like some really bad love song. I have an amazing ability to consistently write sad songs. This one isn't that bad...

Haha I just went to go get the lyrics, and there was one of those CD commercials on my TV, and it was playing The Grassroots, Midnight Confessions.. In my midnight confessions, when I tell all the world that I love you... Haha. It's a nice song. Yeah, that's me, midnight confessions. Or, more like 1am or 2am. Bah!

Anyhow, here's the lyrics for MY song (even though it's here in the archives):

Go ahead and ask me why I don't ever call
Why I don't ever try
I'm just watching my life start to crumble,
Waiting for the right time.
Yeah you can hear me playing with this rotary phone
That I bought because I'm crazy.

Maybe in a month or two
We can just rummage through good times and vintage
Looking for another memory,
Or just another shirt for the weekend.

So go ahead and ask me why we never get the time
I can only assume the fault is mine
Let's get lost and make everything right
Grab a memory and recapture lost times

And I'm singing Je t'aime, Je t'aime
But you don't even know that one

Go ahead and tell me, do you understand?
I can't pick up this phone for fear
It might fall apart in my hands.

I really like that. Because it talks about something else besides people who don't seem to really care about me that much and how much it hurts me. Although, I'd rather write about that than... well about what I used to write about in the peak of my ska phase and the valley of my songwriting career. Eek.

Although, I do have one okay song out of that time.

For anyone who feels like reading so much of my ramblings, and is curious, I'll explain my song. I don't remember what it was specifically about, but I feel like it's about a couple friends of mine. Because I never called them or anything, even though I could have, and I didn't really know why. I guess because I felt like I'd lost them or something, even though I obviously haven't. They're two of the very few people who really do care about me and who have always been there and will always be there. And I guess it's about memories too, like wanting to remember and repeat those memories. Anyhow.

The two people it isn't hard to say that one sentence to, that I've brought up.

Hey, we should hang out sometime. What do you think? Bah. I keep thinking, "That'll never happen" but then I think that maybe I should shut up sometimes and just wait for the right time, because it might come while I'm moping about how I don't have any guts.

Although, I have had the guts to one person I didn't think I had the guts to ask, and it worked out fine. If that made sense. Argh.

Okay, bedtime. I'll practice more another day.

OH! And I really like the ending of that song I wrote, I'm really happy with it. It's nothing so original or so hard to play. It's just fun and different than what I usually do. So's parts in the middle, but I wrote the ending first. IT HELPED! See, do things differently, and you get a new perspective.

I <3 music.

God, Liz Janes' voice is so fantastic. I really wish I sounded more like her, but then again, I have to think that I'd rather be more unique than to sound exactly like her. I think the devices I use to record myself just aren't that great and that's the problem. Plus that I don't use my lower ranges enough. I was always worried about getting high, but for a while now I've been more into using the lower half of whatever my range really is. The best song I can think of, that really shows Liz Janes in all her songwriting/singing glory is Honeybee, because it's not as traditional of a song as you'd think, and she moves from a slow tempo to a faster more rhythmic one, and it's just really good.

Wow! This entry has gotten loooong. I need to stop saying I'm going to bed when I don't mean it.

I get goosebumps when I hear that last line of the chorus in Liz Phair's song Polyester Bride. Hmm. I never noticed before.

I also really like the line,

"You're lucky to be drinking here for free cause I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes"

In fact, I get goosebumps during other parts of the song. It's gooood. She has a neat voice too.

ARGH! Okay, I'm going, really.

Now I play Talking Heads.

So, in summary of this crazy long entry, I think, that I need to stop focusing on other people and what they think so much. I've known that for forever. But the thing is, I'm better at stopping myself when I'm putting myself down, now. Because I know people aren't going to want to deal with me if I'm just a self-pity machine. I'm doing it to be happier. Although I still identify with people who also are more negative, like me, I don't know if I want that so much anymore. Because I look at the people I know that I think are more positive, and I think, that would be nice to have the intrapersonal skills to keep my head above water even when I feel like just drowning.

I also want that so that I can make other people happier, even when they're depressed. I don't want to drag other people down with me. I don't like carrying on about my whiny personal feelings all the time. Sometimes it's fun, and good, and there's nothing wrong with it once in a while. But I do it way too much.

AHHH I have to go! Okay! Bye!

One last side note: I need more higher quality hugs. A lot of people in my family give kind of real quick run-out-the-door hugs (extended family, I'm talking about). My one cousin always gives the best hugs, and he's not even the one blood related! He's related by marriage. He's just one of those people, you know? They're like "RAHHH!" and I love that. His son usually hugs good too. Hm. Haha maybe it's something only guys have? Haha. No, I don't think so. I know it's not, that was just funny.

That just reminded me of this story I have, but I won't tell it. But I once got hugged by this one guy that I didn't really know that well, I think before I left my job at the library.. Or something. Oh well.