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08/10/2002 entry: "Under the Influence"

I hate saying things like,

I hate the world
I want to die
My life sucks
I'm a horrible person
Why does anyone put up with me?
Why do I put up with me?

Etc, etc, etc. Understand? I hate saying those things, in my head or outside. Because it sounds emo and petty and shallow. It sounds like I just have nothing else to do so I decided to feel sorry for myself. Like I want pity or something.

Well, I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but I'm sure some people will be glad to hear this. I don't want your fucking pity. Your dirty guilty pity sure as hell doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel just as shitty as you ignoring me or putting me down. Why bother making you do extra work?

So, I want to talk. I'm not purposely feeling sorry for myself. I'm not looking for anyone to say "Oh poor Rachel, she's depressed" because you know what, I really don't give a fuck. You don't really care, I'm sure.

I really do hate this world. And I hate myself for being a part of it. For letting things get to me, and never ever doing anything about it. I'm the typical person who doesn't deserve pity or sympathy because I don't even try. I have very little internal motivation to do anything. External motivation is mostly what works, but sometimes the little amount of internal motivation overrides the external and I suddenly don't want to do what someone else wants me to do and it's like this battle inside.

But I never try to make things better. I don't make plans- good plans- and stick to them. Something always changes. I just give up. No motivation to continue. I have so little energy these days that I feel like I don't want to waste it on making plans and doing things to make life better. I mean, how can you make life better? It's going to be terrible no matter what. Right? Or is it just me? Probably just me. Boring, predictable, no-will-of-my-own me. Mean, uncaring, cold.. me. Is that how I am? Well, sometimes, yes. Yes. If I believed in some sort of personified deity, I'd say they were punishing me for something. But I don't, so I'm going to chalk it up to my lack of involvement in my own life.

I get so completely miserable. Every year it seems like I have more and more uncontrollable fits of crying and sobbing. That feeling of my chest imploding. Is that what your heart breaking feels like? Yuck, I hate that idea. It's so emo and pathetic. But I wonder sometimes.

Maybe our hearts don't break so much as they cave in on themselves in some sort of slow internal attempt at suicide.

That's another thing. This whole lack of motivation/will makes me incapable of comitting suicide. Well, besides the whole fear of death thing. That helps.

So, man have I got myself stuck in a tight spot.

My life feels empty and boring most of the time, but I can't muster up the will to do anything about it. I feel like shit all the time but can't bring myself to change my lifestyles. I'm depressed and crying like every other day (sometimes a more than one day in a row) because of all this, but I just can't kill myself, thereby ending that emotional pain.

I'm so afraid that I'm never going to be anything, and that I'll be like this for the rest of my life.

But that fear just makes me freeze up, unable to do anything to stop it.

I can't stand this. Something's gotta change, because this stress and intense emotion is going to either kill me or drive me crazy.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll go see my school's psychologist this year. Although I have a feeling that would be one of the strangest visits they've ever had.

I'll walk in, say hi, sit down. They'll ask me why I'm there. I'll try to start explaining, start crying, be incoherent and then just run out before they know it. I can't talk to people about this without crying. Hell, I'm half crying right now. Not in that there are tears running down one side of my face but not the other. I mean I keep almost crying but I stop myself because I'm downstairs and my dad and sister are right in the next room.

I hate crying in front of people. I hate talking directly to people about how I feel. I can sort of do it online, but still not well. The few people who talk to me ask how I am, and I do the obligatory "Okay" because that's what you have to do. Because mostly, people aren't really looking to hear "I'm doing horribly, I want to die, I'm sobbing uncontrollably. How about YOU?"

Well, I think that's enough of that for tonight at least. I hate talking this way but sometimes there's nothing left inside of me, and this is all that will come out.