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09/02/2002 entry: "I feel dizzy."

I was fending off a random IM from someone looking for a fight, or to be entertained. I took a look at one of my friend's journals to see if she was back at school and how things were going. I haven't seen her online in a while, and was wondering. So I read her newest entry, and it's talking about how she gets sick a lot, but lets it get out of hand until it gets bad. And she's talking about how no one cares about her enough, that they're all wrapped up in their own problems. And she's talking about how no one but her family would miss her if something really bad ever happened. And she's talking about visions she had, and how she's scared and how there's a lot of things she never tells anyone about herself..

And I literally felt dizzy. I felt shocked and blown away and scared. I felt like I didn't know her anymore. I kept checking to make sure it was her, because for all I knew, it could have been some random stranger.

Now, I'm sitting here trying to think of what to say. I wrote a comment in her journal, told her basically that I was worried and wanted her to talk to me. Said I was surprised at what I read. But I didn't want to write everything I was feeling and thinking because it all should really just be between her and me. But I needed to say something. Although, here I am writing about it all in my own journal. Hm. Well, I doubt anyone who knows her reads this. I don't know. I just still have a lot to get out.

So now I'm scared, because one of the most wonderful people I know, that I feel so lucky to have met, is apparently sick, and has been sick numerous times. And she has visions, but she's never mentioned them to me. I mean the sickness is really what shocked me, but.. it's just everything. That there's so much that I don't know about her.

And that's the other reason I'm scared. I've known for a little while now that I'm not a very good friend. And I keep telling myself I have to change that, that I can change it. That I can start being better and start actually showing people that I care rather than acting like an apathetic asshole as I keep trying to convince them that I do care with just my words. But,.. I haven't. For whatever reasons. That I'm lazy, selfish, set in my ways. It doesn't matter what excuses I have. The fact is, I didn't and now it's coming back to kick me in the ass.

I think I need a day to think. To decide what I'm going to say to Peggy. I have to go to bed, because I have to get up early tomorrow. But after work, I'll email her. I'll tell her everything, I'll apologize, I'll do anything I can. Sheesh, I just hope I can sleep tonight.