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09/09/2002 entry: "I learn something new everytime I talk to you"

You know, about this time of night is when I start to feel like living is a constant struggle. Whether it is or isn't is kind of unimportant for me. If it is, then I'm being too obvious. If it isn't, I'm whining. Right? Either way, it really only matters to you.

So I do this thing and that errand and this action and that phone call, and at the end of the day it still feels like I haven't done much at all. Like I need to do more. As tired as I am, as frustrated as I feel, I still think, "I'm not really doing anything at all". I know that's what's wrong with my life. I have the potential to be doing a lot of things, but I always end up here, in this frame of mind.

I keep having these thoughts about abandoning what little music I have written. I get a couple good ideas, but I never seem to have the resources to try these ideas. I am just so stubborn. I'm stubborn in my belief that it's possible to write something really good by yourself. Well, something that I consider really good. I look at what I have, and it seems so bland and boring compared to some things I hear.

Is it me, or do I sound like a broken record? There's true irony for you.

I realize the Scream movies aren't necessarily... "good". But, I really like them. I can't really pinpoint what it is. I watched all 3 in the past few days, and found myself wishing there was another one. Even though I know it would be the worst of the 3, and pointless.

So, I am stuck. If someone would like to help me, by all means. Because if things continue the way they've been going, there won't be a whole lot I can do. Give up on trying to record something I can legitimately be proud of, or keep trying even though I don't feel it anymore. Even if I know I'll never get to that point. I guess it depends on what happens in the near future.

The thing is, without a band, you have a lot more you have to do. And I don't think I was prepared for it. Though I'd like to think I can rise to the challenge, eventually. But I have to be better than this. I just feel like I'm not quite there yet.

I just keep thinking of all the people I listen to that have done things more or less on their own. I mean, other people contributed but it's still their music. Tracy and the Plastics. Poe. Liz Janes. Fiona Apple. All female, coincidentally.

Even other people, full bands. I think about people and how their voices make the music distinct. The singers voice is the fucking personality of the music. Besides the people I've named already,.. The Shins. Modest Mouse. Talking Heads. Huggy Bear. Clinic. Bikini Kill. Nirvana. CCR.

Shit. This is what I hate about listening to such good music. I look at them, look at me.. and there's no comparison. I just can't get there. I can't even imagine getting there. I'm stuck at the bottom fucking rung. I don't see any personality to my voice, it's just kind of blah. Boring. Average. Yeah, I guess that's because I hear it all the time, so of course I'd hear it that way. I don't know.