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10/01/2002 entry: "It's time."

I think it's time I post again. A lot has happened, most of it bad. 99% of it bad. Very bad.

So, where I left off, I was all into being at the coffeehouse. Thursday night I also went to the coffeehouse, except in a less wonderful mood. My boyfriend came later in the night and I talked to him about what was bothering me. And he said Friday we would get together, cuddle, watch movies, etc.

But, unfortunately, that didn't happen. Friday, I did homework til about 6pm, something like that. Then when I came back online, my boyfriend came on and said we needed to talk. He wasn't doing so good. I got scared, because he said "we need to talk". And, rightly so. When I saw him I knew something was wrong. He looked terrible. And he didn't hug me when I met him between our buildings.

He came up to my room, and basically said that he hadn't be happy for a while now, and that either something needed to change, or... not. In other words, we try again or we break up. I was upset, and crying and miserable enough just hearing that. He'd apparently been talking to a lot of people about it, and they all told him he needed to say something. So, we ended up saying we'd take some time apart, and in a few days we'd talk again and see how things were going to go. He didn't know at that point whether or not he wanted to break up. He just knew he had to say something.

That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Say goodbye to him for a while. I hugged him so tight, and we both were terrible, and I knew that he was hurting as much as I was at that point. The next two days were so hard, and so painful. I realized finally how much I really loved him and how I had taken him for granted for a little while. I wanted so badly to try again, and I hoped he decided he wanted the same thing.

So, I called him. Asked if he wanted to talk again, even though it had just been two days. He didn't want to talk, but when I asked him if he just wasn't ready, he kind of sighed and said he would. Bad sign. So, I asked him if he came to a decision, and he said it just wasn't something that could be fixed. That he didn't love me the same way anymore. That whatever used to make us click didn't make us click anymore. That we should probably just stop. Well, I exploded. Not with anger, with tears. I started sobbing uncontrollably. He didn't do much to try and console me. No hug. No arm. No touching. He stood there, kind of helplessly. He said he was sorry, but he had to do this. He had been so unhappy. I just kept crying and sobbing and saying "oh my god" and "i can't believe this". Wave after wave of pain was wracking my already weak and battered body. When I calmed down a bit I asked him if it was temporary. He said he didn't know, but that he didn't want to tell me maybe, leading me to live on that hope when it might not come. People do get back together. But he thought it was best that I just assume it was permanent. I asked if we'd still talk to eachother, and he said yeah, he didn't see why not. But I was destroyed already, and nothing would really make me feel better. He hugged me and said he didn't want to do this, or something.

Things were horrible. But my roommate comforted me. Sara came over right away and we talked a lot.

Today was okay for a while, but got bad fast. I finally was sure, that I knew I was going to love Kevin forever, and in not necessarily the same way I had always loved him, but in an equally intense and important way. And, at least I was sure of that. I had that. I saw him after my first class, because he has class in that building. We didn't say much. I asked him if he'd be online later, and he said he didn't know.

He did. But, that conversation wasn't that good. I almost feel like he was purposely being the way he was, just so I wouldn't want to talk to him. He said that he was only online because he felt guilty. He thought it wasn't a good idea that we talk every day, that we should wait a while til we talk again. Of course, all the things that have the potential to make me feel better haven't been "the best idea" to him. I told him I still had his birthday present, and that I wanted to still give it to him, because I had it all ready before this all happened. He said it wasn't a good idea. I told him I wanted him to take it, that if there was anything that I got to make a decision about, that I wanted him to have it. He won't take it though. And that makes me feel like such shit. Everything else makes me feel like shit too, but that moreso. Because I worked really hard on that gift, and I can't just get my money back for anything in that gift bag. If I keep it, it's wasted.

I asked him if he loved me. He said he did, that he guessed he always would in some way. Just not the way he used to. I knew he'd say that.

At one point, I asked him how things got so bad between us? And he said, they didn't get bad. There wasn't anything between us anymore. That it was over. And that hurt me more than anything else he's said. That broke something way deeper in me than everything else he had said.

I can't understand how he can act like he doesn't care about me anymore. How he can not care about all the good things we had, all the memories, all the plans, the future we had together. He doesn't seem like he cares, at least.

Maybe he's just annoyed with me. Annoyed that I can't let go, that I still love him as much as I ever did, that he can't make himself love me too. In any case, he said he was looking out for himself. And that I should too. I said I was, though not in the same way he was, and he said "good, I want you to be happy". He didn't understand. I meant that I was looking out for my own interests, and my interest is him. And that can't make me happy because he doesn't want to be with me.

I feel very broken inside. I'm hurt, in tons of pain and I wish with every ounce of strength I have that I could change what happened. I feel like he just.. gave up though. There must have been something. I can't think that I had no control over this. I think that makes it worse, that there wasn't anything I could do. I'm sure there was something though.

So, now, everything I see, everything I hear, everything I read, everything I think, everywhere I go, everything I do.. I think of him. I think of the tons and tons of good memories that I have. I think of all the good things we had. And how, I feel like they've been tossed away.

Maybe we were seeing too much of eachother. Maybe it was overwhelming him. He said that what makes it so hard, is that we both thought it was something special, and we were very serious. And now, we have to realize we were just another couple teenagers in love. I don't believe that. I'll never believe that. We were meant to be. We should still be together. Something didn't add up right. Our love was more than just any love.

The only thing I can do is give him space and time. And hope that someday he'll want to come back to me. So I'll get to live out all my dreams. Of living with him. Traveling with him. Marrying him. Having kids with him. Those are the things that kept me going throughout all my bad times.

I wonder if during the last couple weeks if he was still attracted to me. He had to have been, what with how we were on our anniversary. But, after that.. was he? Is he still? Maybe that's part of it. That he's not attracted to me either. I shouldn't think that, but how can I not?

I talked to this girl tonight, outside, that knows Kevin. Well, is acquainted with him. And I told her everything cause she asked me if I was okay. And, well, she was a lot of help. Even though we barely knew eachother, she really knew what I was going through, and she told me a lot of things that I needed to hear. Some I had heard, but in the wrong context or from the wrong person. She told me that I just have to give him space. That maybe he was irritated right now and that's why when I talked to him he was so... rough. Blunt. Hurtful. And she said, maybe he'll change his mind. But maybe he won't. And that I have to just be myself. I feel like I've lost part of my self, though, like he ripped it out of me. Because so much of who I am is because of him. But, I don't know, this girl was sort of convincing. She said that I was still going to be who I was no matter what. That maybe someone better will come along. I of course, told her that I couldn't imagine anyone being better, that Kevin was the best... and then followed that up by saying I knew how crazy that sounded. She understood.

I don't know, I felt better after talking to her. I wish I could feel better after talking to Kevin. He just seems determined to make me want to stay away from him. It's impossible. I'll never want to stay away from him, but I'll leave him alone. Especially if he's just going to be worse and worse everytime I talk to him.

Kevin, I am going to love you forever in a passionate and intense way. I will always be ready for you to come back. But I can't force you along that path. Right now, I can't fathom what the future is going to be like. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else, and I can't imagine how painful it would be if you found someone else. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But you are and always will be the best thing that happened to me. And that's why this is so hard for me. And that's why I'm apparently making it harder for you. I just feel so helpless. I had no choice in this, and I couldn't do anything. It's not any better to be on either side, but I am not just going to get over this like you keep saying. You're overestimating me, and underestimating how much I love, care for and adore you. But I'm just going to have to live. Although I feel like my insides are dead and decaying. Because what if you do feel differently in a few months or so?

I miss touching you, kissing you, hugging you, lying next to you, sitting next to you, sitting across from you, just being in your general vicinity. But I miss being close to you the most. I miss our daily "goodnight, i love you, bye".

But now, I'm really tired. I just might get to sleep tonight. I hope you get to sleep too. I hope you sleep and remember all the good things we have. And I hope that someday you'll call me up and ask me if I want to go somewhere and talk. You know I will.