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10/14/2002 entry: "Life"

I've asked myself many times what I wanted out of life. The one thing that I wanted the most, I took for granted. I didn't explicitly say, "I want this thing that I already have, and I realize I may not always have it". That was one of my mistakes.

So, what do you do when the one thing you wanted the most disappears? I hope you understand that it's hard to be motivated about any other desires when there's one you had and lost. I may distract myself, and I may do alright sometimes. But thinking about losing makes me sick, makes me feel hopeless and immediately decreases the value I put on human life.

I suppose my problem would be that I depend on other people too much. I just don't know any other way. When I do things on my own, I think, what value does this have for me? How much can I enjoy this when there isn't someone to share it with? Is that wrong? I don't know. It can't be right, because of how it makes me feel. Not that I know how to change it.

I think everyone depends on everyone else. If it's not a significant other, it's your friends. Or your family. Or, hell just the other people in the same general area as you. You depend on them.

I know depending on one person too much is a bad thing. But, having someone commit to you and having them want to share their life with you is so important too. I guess what I've wanted my entire life is to have someone like that. Someone to always be there for you. Someone who loves who you are, not just what you are at one point in time. Someone you meet up with at the end of the day to share stories, feelings, hopes, fears and deep thoughts. You can trust them, and you're comfortable with them, and you feel like you've known them your whole life and neither of you can fathom not having the other person in your life. You look forward to meeting back up after each of you has done your own things. And then there's the holding and hugging and kissing and other intimate physical affections.

So, while I'm thinking about all this, Cheers is on Nick at Nite next to me. And it's an unusually deep episode. At the end, Norm is talking to Sam in the bar. And he confesses that he thinks the most important thing in life is love. And he says,

"It doesn't matter what you love. It could be a person, a thing.. As long as you love it totally, completely and without judgement."

And, he says that you always come back to your one true love. That's an awfully nice set of thoughts. Nothing that hasn't been said before, but it was said at just the right time that it means a lot to me.

The question I have for myself, is if my one true love isn't a person, what would it be? I'm not sure.

Kevin's true love, I think, is the thrill of life experience and adventure. Having stories to tell, and telling them. His love is taking a very active role in life. He seems to enjoy change.

I suppose at one point it may have been me, but I don't think it's my place to really determine that. It's up to him to decide if he ever felt that way.

I have another question for myself. Am I, or will I be, anybody's one true love? There's a lot of people out there. It's not impossible, but it certainly isn't a sure thing. It would be conceited of anyone to claim that they are definitely somebody's one true love. Well, I guess, unless they were with the person and they knew everything was for sure. But, you don't ever know. And that's a sad sad thought. It's even more heartbreaking because it came out of the mouth of the one person I thought (and, I still think,) was my one true love. And, I thought he felt the same.

But, I suppose this is enough of this talk for tonight. It's getting late.

But, that last question I brought up is still preying on my mind. Some people might follow up that question with another: "Should you bother wondering about that?"

Well, given my situation, it's not a question I can easily cast aside. Sure, there are many abstract and interesting notions I could busy my mind with, that also have no definite guarantee of ever being answered. But, I'm letting my heart get the best of me for now. As I often do late at night.

I guess one reason I question my ability to truly be loved, is that I feel like I don't have much to offer anyone. I'm not very informed about many things. I haven't read most of the great books that I should have read. Though, I have a great passion for expressing myself. And for art and music. And for learning about myself and the world around me.

And, I have a lot of love to give to somebody. Yes, I still have tons even after 2 years. (I guess two years isn't that long, compared to 5, or 10...)

But, these are thoughts to expand upon at a later date. If, at all.

I know I will.

Whoa. Diane, on Cheers, just had this guy leave her that she was going to marry. And, she just said that this guy was the most brilliant man she'd ever known. And that for the past 2 years, he was the most important thing in her life. And that now, she might lose him (insert emotional breakdown and crying).

I feel your pain Diane.

But, yes, to bed for me. I have possible futures to create and encourage. And new self esteem to build.

And when my plans once again fall apart, I want to someday be able to jump right into the darkness of the unknown, enjoying the free fall.