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10/14/2002 entry: "new book"

A friend of Sara's, (Nia) wanted to lend me this book, Bridget Jones' Diary, because she thought I'd enjoy it. Sara just finished reading it, so now we all will be able to talk about it... it's no Carson McCullers, but it's a good book for a girl to read.

The funniest thing about it, is that after reading enough of it, my thoughts take on an English accent... well, a slight one anyhow. It's very funny.

But, I don't know, things are okay I suppose. I keep thinking, I know I'm still somebody after all this. It's not like I have to start from scratch. It's not as if Kevin took all of me with him. He doesn't own any part of me. Even if it sometimes feels like it, or even if I sometimes want him to.

It is very intimidating to be out on your own in the world. And, I did depend on him a lot. He was like this crutch I had, you know? Like, hey, I'm not alone in the world and I have him to depend on and so everything will be okay because of that. That's bullshit though. I am alone, maybe not all the time, and maybe not in spirit. But physically, I am one lone person. Nothing is going to change that. Even if Kevin and I were still attached at the hip, even married. I'd still be one single person. With or without him.

I don't know, it seems very silly to believe that being independent and self-reliant will bring him or anyone else to me. I'll only end up disappointed. I have to want to be independent for the sake of being independent and able to go on in this world without a partner to depend on. Like I said, it's a very intimidating prospect. Life seems very meaningless if you don't have someone to share it with. I guess, I'd still agree with that. At least in that it's how I feel, though it may not be the truth.

But, do you need one single person to share everything with? I don't know. Maybe it's enough to have a few close people to share different parts of it with.

You always hear that people are much more interested in you when you're not so interested in them. Or, at least seemingly too busy to bother with anyone else. I guess, maybe it's true. But there's a thin line between being independent and being ignorant and neglective.

I've also thought about what it would be like to bring someone else home someday. That would be interesting. But, it's not an altogether unrealistic idea. It could happen. It's sad to think that for the rest of my life, I'm going to remember Kevin as the naive relationship I had when I was in college. But, if that's how things are going to work it, than so be it.

The world will not crumble just because he doesn't love me the way he used to.

And, I'm not going to crumble just because I don't have someone to latch on to.

And now, a warm classroom and possibly boring/tiring class. Sigh. I want to go out tonight. After I do homework. Yeah Sara, I'll talk to you later. Maybe we'll plan out your website.