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10/16/2002 entry: "In between"

I skipped my second class. I just couldn't go. I could barely focus on my labs, I can't imagine being in that other class when I'm like this.

I just feel so sick and stupid. Fuck, what is wrong with me? I'm sure anyone who knows about all this is wondering why I said the things I did, myself included. I wanted to come back here and try and figure it all out.

The number one thing, I think, is jealousy. I wish I wasn't so susceptible to it, but I am. I'm jealous that Kevin is doing well and has someone else he's seeing. I felt like I was right in saying everything I did, when really, I wasn't.

What convinced me that I was? Probably this backwards, unproductive notion that all men suck. When you're in a situation like I am, that's a bulk of what you hear, especially if you're going to your female friends with everything. I thought I was stronger than that. I thought I was smart enough to think things out on my own, but instead I just subscribed to this ridiculous notion. Like, hey that fits my anger and jealousy and gives me the right to say whatever I want, so I'll believe it. That's such bullshit.

I think I'm also lacking some tiny piece of innocence that I used to have, even as recent as a week ago. I just let it slip away.

When I was writing the past two entries, I knew there were some things that I probably shouldn't say. It didn't consciously occur to me that Kevin would read them. I guess somewhere I knew it, but I was so caught up in what I was doing that I didn't let that thought come out.

Even if I had thought of that, I would still have no right to seek out any sort of emotional revenge.

I just can't believe I got myself into this mess. I am such an ungrateful, sick person.

Kevin was being so incredibly nice to me last night, and in his own words, I threw it back in his face. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I apparently did it anyhow. He knew it would hurt me, and that he didn't have to tell me about him and this girl, but he did it anyhow because I should know. And then he hung around and tried to make me feel better, telling me all these wonderful things.. I told him how I felt like I wouldn't be able to find anyone else, that I couldn't see anyone loving me the way he did. And he sat there with me and comforted me, telling me he couldn't be the only person that saw that I was beautiful and wonderful (or whatever the words he used were).

How could I have possibly thought that I had some sort of right to act the way I did?

I can't understand how I could let myself do something that would hurt him so much. For god's sake, I think he's the greatest person in the world and I love him so much, why the fuck would I say the things I did? Even if this journal wasn't online, how could I think those things? Why did they come into my head?

Out of irrational thinking and letting bad emotions get to me. Things like jealousy and betrayal, which are terrible things to let rule your head and heart. They're frivolous emotional states that serve no purpose in a situation like this. If, at all.

So, Kevin told me today that he doesn't want to talk to me for the rest of the week. That he might say something on Monday, but he doesn't know. He's really angry with me, and I deserve it. I deserve it.

I am just so disappointed in myself. He's right, I'm not showing him that I really want to be friends and still keep in touch if I keep saying the things that I've said in here. And, if that's what I really want, why would I let my actions be so counterproductive? Like I said, influenced by bad things that I shouldn't let get to me.

I can't change the fact that I said them. I can be sorry all I want, and that won't necessarily change his mind. I just desperately want to try and show him that I didn't really mean the things I said. I was frustrated at the time, but I realized today that there were a lot of things that I really shouldn't have said. That I really didn't mean.

The thing that makes me feel the worst is that he was nothing but nice to me last night. He was nicer than most people would be to the person they broke up with. He has been that way in general. And now, he thinks that it meant nothing to me.

It means a whole hell of a lot to me. I adore the fact that he still cares. I admire him for handling things the way he has. I don't even know if I can put it into more words than that. What he did last night for me is something that I treasure. And I treated his behavior and therefore him, like shit. I didn't treat him like that when I was with him last night, but my journal entries did it enough for me.

Why don't I think before I do things like this?

I.. can't even think of what else to say right now. I wish I could be saying all this directly to him, but he doesn't want to talk about it with me. He doesn't want to talk to me at all.

Kevin, if you read this, (I'm not sure you will, for a while) I feel absolutely terrible about everything. I wouldn't treat any of my friends this way, and I don't know why I did it to you. I don't know why I thought my words on here had no consequences. That if I said something I didn't mean, I wouldn't have to pay for it later. Well, I am paying for it. I just hope you can forgive me for what I said. I was being stupid, and it hurts me so much that I hurt you with it.

I swear, I will never do anything like this again. Whenever I get taken over by some stupid, harmful emotion, I just have to learn to step back and let it run its course. No more writing about it online until I've had enough time to think about it. Because, more often than not, I end up saying a lot of things that I regret.

The one thing I did genuinely mean, was that part about wanting you to be a part of my life. I know the things I said contradicted that, but those other things weren't true, and I shouldn't have written them. They were born out of a need to purge whatever bad, controlling emotions that were in me. Not one of those emotions was hate, or dislike, or anything of that sort. I was still a little mad, but mostly jealous. And still hurting from the entire situation. And that's a bad combination.

Unfortunately, my dramatic nature rarely lets the good emotions take control when there are others like that. What I should have been writing about, was how comforting and nice you were. About how, I knew that someone would snag you, because you were just that great of a person. And, I did write that, I believe. But I'm sure it didn't change the other things I wrote. They don't really balance eachother out.

To make an awful analogy that won't make sense to anyone but you, it wasn't what it seemed. The few good things I said in my posts look light, meaningless, like a feather in relation to the worse things, from a distance. But in reality, it was a feather painted on a rock. And the rock holds more weight with me than temporary, ridiculous, false, hurtful statements that I regret soon after saying them. I hope it'll hold more weight with you, too. I have said many times in the past couple weeks that the one thing that I know is true, is how much I love you and care about you. That I took you for granted. If nothing else I've felt stays the same, at least that will. If there are no other truths to be known to human beings, at least the truth of how we feel about others is real.

And, I don't know how else to prove to you that what I said was a mistake. But it was. I don't want us to end up this way, forced apart because I made a huge mistake. I am genuinely sorry, and if you want to know for sure that what I'm saying is the truth, just ask me. I can guarantee that my facial expressions will prove it. Most likely, I'll start crying out of being overcome with guilt and regret, and love and care. But ask me if I wanted to hurt you, if I really am so pissed off or hateful or whatever. I know I didn't, and that I'm not. And I'd say it a million times if I was guaranteed to convince you of that.

So, I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me.

"I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy just because she can.

Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins.
I've come to you cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin..

What I need is a good defense, cause I'm feeling like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love.

Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done.
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep living this day like the next will never come

Oh, help me but don't tell me to deny it.
I've gotta cleanse myself of all these lies
Til I'm good enough for him.
I've got a lot to lose
And I'm betting high
So I'm begging you
Before it ends, just tell me where to begin.

What I need is a good defense, cause I'm feeling like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love."