Weblog Entry - 10/23/2002: "gestures"

I don't have much time before my next class, but I feel like absolute shit right now and I dunno, I guess I felt like writing something would help me.

I keep wanting to say I don't know exactly why, and I guess I don't know EXACTLY. I have an idea, but.. it doesn't- no, it makes sense, but.. I don't know, I guess I shouldn't.

I don't want to be in classes. I want to be done, and I want to be somewhere with someone who gives a shit about me.

Sometimes I think I'm okay, and sometimes I say I'm okay. But then all of a sudden I'm not so okay and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I should be eating at the Cage but I'm not because although my stomach says it's hungry, my throat is threatening to close up, or chuck up anything thrown into it.

I guess it's... it's all this love I have bottled up inside me that I can't let out. It turns my insides against me. I have no outlet for it most of the time. And there's no chance that I'll find a way to let it out if all I'm thinking about is how awful it feels and how doomed I seem.

I need about a teaspoon of reassurance and whole gallon of affection right about now, I'm not sure I even care where it comes from. Although everyone knows I have preferences, but that's besides the point. You can't be picky when you're in a state such as this.

Replies: 1 comment

Friends are rarely psychic. And strangers or people you "just know" almost never come running up to you and ask if they can help you and be your friend. Most of the time you have to initiate contact. While they're not often psychic, most people are sympathetic. You are not in the minority having these feelings. In fact, it is often the expression of your feelings to someone and their recollection of feeling the same way that bonds people together as friends. Dispite popular belief, it is not always common likes and dislikes that make friends. Common likes and dislikes initiate contact. They just get people together and talking. It is respect, concern, and common human feelings that make a friendship. You do not have to agree to be friends. You communicate so well in this journal but have you tried saying these same things the same way to someone in person? Sure, it's tough to "spill your gutts" to a stranger. So try it with someone you "just know". I think you will find a sympathetic ear and maybe a shoulder to lean on. And who knows, maybe you'll make a new friend.

posted by a forever friend @ 10/23/2002 08:38 PM CST