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10/23/2002 entry: "Again..."

I skipped my third class, because I just felt horrible. Mostly because I was feeling physically terrible. I was starving from skipping lunch, and I had other things bothering me. I just couldn't do it.

I don't know, I guess I'm just so disappointed in myself. You'd think that in two years, I would have learned some sort of social skills to keep my head above water when times were bad. Truth is, I'm right back where I started. I have this uncanny inability to make friends. Maybe I just expect too much too soon from people.

I need more people here that I can be friends with. Because, it's when I'm here that I need it the most. I love the friends I have that are farther away, and I'm very glad to have them. I am lucky in that I at least have somebody.

But when I'm walking around campus, I just feel so lost. I know it's all due to my raging insecurities. And my lack of social skills. I just don't know how to go about.. making friends.. you know? It's like, where do you go to socialize? How do you let people know you're interested in taking your acquaintance outside of its normal setting? WHY CAN'T I TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON???

Jesus fucking christ, I'm talking about socializing as if I were doing a goddamn experiment.

That's how I live my life though, like it's a fucking experiment. Watch people, see what they do, manipulate certain variables and see if it changes anything,.. but don't rock the boat. Never ever rock the boat. Don't freak them out. Don't do anything weird. Don't say anything unless you're sure it'll have the result you want. Don't let them see how pathetic you really are or they'll run away......

Some life, huh? You can surely understand why I get in these moods so often. Or if you can't, you at least have the ability to pass judgement on me. "Hey, she's a nerd, what a moron, she can't even make friends har har har". Yeaaaaah well fuck you.

It's my quiet nature. I was a good baby/kid, because I never caused trouble. Most kids run around screaming and playing when they're in the store with their mom, or in church. Me? No. I sat there. Or walked with my mom. Didn't do a thing. Don't rock the boat.

I was a good kid in school. I did all my homework, did well on the tests, learned everything fine. I read books, I wrote, I was artistic. I didn't talk when I was supposed to,.. I didn't even talk when I was supposed to. I didn't bother the teacher. I didn't fidget. I didn't complain. I was too busy being interested in everyone in the room. What were they doing? What were they saying? How did they act? Hey that boy's cute... You know.

Truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of rejection and being labeled a misfit. I'm afraid of people not caring. But I'm also too afraid of being alone to put up with myself for much longer.

If anyone has any suggestions, I'd welcome them.. I just have no clue where to even begin. It's so frustrating.

I'm sure if I had more people to care about and talk to, my moods wouldn't affect me as bad. Things wouldn't get to me at so deep a place.

But, I'm going to chat online for a bit. Maybe I'll post again later.