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10/24/2002 entry: "Hmmmm"
Ha, my "forever friend" has posted yet again.
Damn, I suppose I will never know your identities, "someone who cares" and "forever friend" but I guess it's meant to be that way.
You know, I do once in a while tell my friends how I really feel about them. And, I did have this great connection with someone when they told me what they thought of me, and you know, I don't remember if I actually said what I thought about them... I think I was caught off guard?
I know being shy is no real excuse, and it is kind of immature. It's just a matter of breaking certain habits, I suppose.
I don't mean to put people on pedestals. And, I don't want to. Because it gives me the false impression that I can never reach them.
I'm not very good at talking through feelings, which is kind of the reason I write in here. But.. yeah. Haha, now I'm at a loss for words. Bwuhahaha. I contradict myself, once again.
Well, it's nice to see comments again. I know I will always at least have one friend :) Though I may never know their identity, hehe.
In regards to my insecurities and not feeling so good about myself, I can only explain it as some sort of vicious circle that I let myself fall into. I get in a mood, then don't feel like doing anything I would normally do, then I feel bad because I'm not doing anything important, etc. Sara and I both kind of have that problem. And, I try my hardest to get her out of it because she could do some amazing things once she's motivated and ready. I suppose I could very well say that to myself, that I could do some amazing things once I learn how to keep myself interested and up. True shameless self promotion just doesn't seem to be in my nature. But, you know what they say, if you don't promote yourself, who's going to do it for you? Or something like that.
Ugh, I have the hiccups and they hurt. And it's late. I'm way tired.
I guess, I am working at the problems I have. Slowly. I don't mean to misrepresent myself and say that I'm not doing anything, and that I expect it all to just happen to me. I don't really. It's just when I get in moods like the one I was in (maybe am? Hmm. Not really, I'm okay right now), I feel like I could really use a push in the right direction. And, I guess that's what you two have done, pushed me just a little bit. So, thank you.
You know, I have my moments. Sometimes when I'm with someone, or see someone, or in class, I just get this rush of nerve that kind of tosses me over the first hurdle. Tonight, I felt a bit of that, when I was hanging out in my room with Sara and my roommate. Michelle was showing us some poetry out of a couple books she had, and I read them out loud so Sara could hear. And, a couple of them I couldn't keep a straight face while reading :) But, it's like I felt this rush of ability, and so I just started reading the poetry. Partly because I felt comfortable and safe doing it in the company I was in. Partly because I felt this urge to do something others wouldn't necessarily think of me as doing.
Well, I think I've ran out of steam for tonight. I have to go to sleep so I can wake up at a decent hour and do lots of homework before I work tomorrow night. Speaking of work, I'm thinking of applying for a part time position that's open during winter break. Only for 3 weeks. Sure, it's a long drive, but I doubt I'd get a job at the mall or whatever for the holidays. Besides that I'm sure I'd get sick of that reaaaal quick. Plus, this way, I don't have to learn anything new. So! I guess it's just a sacrifice I'd have to make. Awesome. Okay, bedtime!