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10/26/2002 entry: "NO NO NO NO NO NO"

NO NO NO This is not the way it's supposed to be. I am not supposed to be feeling this way this morning, I am not supposed to do this, because I'm supposed to be better.

I had more dreams last night. He was in at least one part.. but he pretty much ignored me and didn't even acknowledge my presence and didn't say goodbye when he left.

I need to find some masking tape, my heart just fell out onto the keyboard.. Scuse me..

Okay. I almost don't want to go home today. I don't feel like dying my hair. I don't feel like taking a shower. I don't feel like doing laundry. Speaking of, I have to get it ready. I don't feel like eating yet today.

I don't know if this is what happens to everyone, or if it's just me, but when you cry a lot, like sobbing and everything, do you start coughing and feel like your guts are going to eject themselves? Hm. I've always wondered about that, because I've been like that my whole life.

Modest Mouse - Neverending Math Equations.

If this is the way I'm doomed to live the rest of my time here, I don't want it. I want to just get up and leave. But that would be running away. And I'd be a hypocrite because of all the times I've said running away doesn't solve anything. But I've never really ever ran away. I had dreams about running away from home, when I was younger. I kind of ran away from high school when I came here. Well, which was worse, that or this? I guess that. It's just hard to say under the circumstances. There, I endured a lot for 4 years. I'm convinced I developed some sort of strange stomach condition freshman year, because my stomach hurt every single day that year, and now I constantly have problems.

It's stress, I know it is. I've said it before, but I'm sure I already have like 200 ulcers.

Well, I've put off going as long as I can. I have to go.

Here's to living in the past and wondering why.