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10/30/2002 entry: "Blech"

Yuck. I feel shitty. I don't know, it's just thinking about stuff.

Like, there's good, and that's good, but then there's the bad thinking. About everything I miss.

I don't think I should feel ashamed to write them in here, because honestly who can blame me?

It's just, I'm trying to only show me being okay, and it's hard when I'm not always okay.

I miss your kisses, and the way you looked at me in Applebee's, and you playing my guitar, and being over at eachother's houses, and driving to your house knowing you're waiting for me there, and being so so close to you, and the holding and your face and the hands and your eyes and the way you always looked at me. And tons of other things I somehow can't put into words right now.

Yeah. I swear, I'll never take someone I love for granted again. Because if I did, I'd be more of a terrible person than I was to have taken someone for granted in the first place. I keep thinking about the hundreds of things I would do and say if I could go back in time. If I had some sort of second chance. I want to say, life doesn't give second chances. I guess it kind of does. Just not the exact second chance you want.

I have way too much shit. I really need to get rid of some of this. My living space is just so cluttered and I'm getting really sick of it.

I had a couple ideas for some artwork, and I really think it would be a good idea for me to do it.

You know, just so I don't make this seem like a terribly sad post, I'm not all "I miss this" and "This is hard" and "I can't handle school right now". No, last night I actually was doing pretty well. Because, as I was drifting off to sleep, I was thinking about how happy he makes me. Because when you look at this without at least the context of the past month, it's not as bad. It's not incredibly wonderful (as anyone who has had feelings towards someone who was just a friend knows) but it's not as bad. It's just me knowing that he makes me happy, and that I love him. And there's some kind of strange confidence and strength in being able to say you know that about someone. Even if they don't feel the exact same way.

You don't become weak from being able to say you love someone that way. You become weak when you start inwardly demanding that they should love you too. Or, that because they don't love you, there must be something wrong with you. That you're not good enough, or attractive enough, or interesting enough. And yeah, sometimes all that comes along with unrequited love (hate that phrase, but it'll do). But, if you can defeat all those bad thoughts, it's amazing how strong you can feel in the midst of all that love. Despite not being on the receiving end of it.