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11/06/2002 entry: "AHHHHHHH"
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Okay, that's it, I'm going to fail because I'm a huge dope. God-fucking-dammit.
So, I forgot to send in my homework for my Math Music and Art class today. I had it (mostly) done, and I was all set to send it in, but I forgot. FORGOT.
Because I'm such a fucking girl, and I'm being all dopey and lovesick and so wrapped up in how I fucking feel, and my schoolwork has been suffering lately. I never want to go to class, I skip a class at least once a week, I never feel like reading all my books (2 out of 3 of them are terrible, but that's besides the point), I never do homework, I usually study a little for tests, everything I actually do, I do at the last minute, I never want to work, I'm not motivated to do much of anything, I don't care about fucking ANYTHING. Well, one thing. The same thing I've cared about for a long time. Not to say it's bad for me to care. It's not. I don't hate the fact that I still care so much about Kevin and about us being on good terms. It is a good thing. The problem is, it's so powerful that it can completely take over my mind sometimes. And I hate feeling like I have no control over my life. And that's how I feel sometimes.
And I hate feeling isolated and alone. I was alone for a long time. Yeah, maybe I did have a couple of good friends during the course of my life. But really, I was alone. I convinced myself that it was impossible for anyone to love me, for anyone to even like me, for anyone to ever be interested in me, for anyone to ever want to be friends with me, etc. Carry that as far as you want.
And people don't want to hear about that. That's why I talk about it here. Because when people get the idea that you have all these terrible thoughts and that you have low self esteem, they just aren't as interested. They don't want to be brought down with you.
Then again, I don't want anyone who reads this to also get a bad impression of me. So, I'm sorry. But I don't know what would happen to me if I kept it all inside.
Anyhow, the whole point of all this is that if I don't watch it, this is all just going to destroy me. Every day,.. it's the same thing. I'm really really sick of being listless, of the confusion, of constantly having to face the grim future that lies ahead of me if I don't fucking kick myself in the ass.
One thing I learned about 2 and a half years ago, is that if you don't extract yourself from a bad situation, something worse is going to happen that will eject you from it. It'll be for your own good, but it'll hurt like fuck. And unlike people and death, life does give you second chances. And in my experience, you get a warning, and then you get a small window of opportunity to get yourself out of the bad situation you're in. Once it's shut, you can pretty much bet your ass that you're in for it. It may not happen right away, but it will happen, and it'll be bad. Let's review. Bad situation, something happens that warns you to get out of it, and you get that extra chance to back out. If you don't, you're getting the fucking boot whether you like it or not.
What's my bad situation? Moping. Moping, feeling sorry for myself, putting myself down, paying too much attention to things that don't really matter,... for a while now I've known that I don't want to be such a depressing, negative person. That I want to be more positive, that I need more positive people around me. But it is fucking hard to pull that out of yourself when all you know is cynicism, pessimism and depression.
I don't know. I'm so confused. On one hand, I can't deny my nature and I shouldn't feel ashamed for it. On the other hand, I want to present myself as someone who has their shit together. Someone who's doing okay and can make it through the tough times. Someone who other people would want to have friendships or relationships with. And, I feel like I can't do both somehow. Is that true?
Well, I think I'm going to make myself do some homework right now. And then treat myself to coffee at Coffee Dregs after I do it. Because,... well, there's no one else who's going to do it for me. The treating, not the homework.
Right. To work then.