[previous entry: "Hi"] [main index] [next entry: "Get drunk before work?"]

12/04/2002 entry: "i.. can't.. breathe.."

AUUGGGGH!

Blurry eyes and thumping heart
No clue where I should start
Don't dial 911, baby
They can't save me.

Putting the Kleenex kids through college
With various drippings and liquids
Don't question the dirty money you get
Don't worry what poor soul is keeping you fed

Keeping secrets in a hope chest
Mirror out the fraud I am
Come to me with your problems,
Only a fucking nut can solve them.

Must have self-medication
Take away my precious oxygen
Far far away, that I might never taste a drop
Other chemicals must fill this empty spot.

Hello, my name is Rachel
And I am an addict.

Yeah, I know I haven't really written much. Whatever. Writing paragraphs can never tell enough anyhow, all I feel like doing is writing really bad poetry and quoting lyrics and all that shit. All that fucking goddamn no good shit.

I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow.

I can't believe how good that song is, to be honest. It's amazing.

BACK TO MINIPUNCHING THE KEYBOARD FOR ANOTHER HOUR OR SO HA HA CAUSE WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I GOING TO DO? SLEEP?? WHAAAT????????? YOU FUCKING IDIOT I DON'T SLEEP. I JUST FOOL MYSELF FOR APPROXIMATELY 9 HOURS THAT I'M NOT IN THIS REALITY FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE. WE ALL DO.

But fuck it, I'm sure I'll sleep again just like always. And then go to work, having done NOTHING. Then sit there and do NOTHING for four and a half hours, then drive home and be exhausted and have somebody else ask me to go out after midnight.

I'm hurting. Like, for real I mean. My stomach and back are killing me. AH FUCK. fuck shit fuck. I hate me. I'm so fucked up inside. FUCK!!! I wanna go outside and fucking scream and wake up all the goddamn neighbors and just scream obscenities out at the snow and the sky and the trees and the houses and just fucking die in the ice and snow after I've screamed so much my guts just fly out my mouth. Whee. Then they won't hurt anymore. I really should stop staying up so late, my head always gets so complicated and weird after about 1am.

Sigh. I'll be fine tomorrow, I always am. I have to be.

I'm fine though, really. Please, no one bother worrying about me. Nothing to worry about. My mother does enough for all of you. Er, the couple of you. Whatever. WHATEVER. BED>