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12/17/2002 entry: "Fuck the fucking fucker"

I hate today. Today is terrible.

I think it's partially due to the fact that I went clothes shopping yesterday. That was a bad idea. You have to stare at yourself in the mirror too much and all that kind of starts to wear me down.

But yeah. I should feel great, all showered and clean, I have a couple new pieces of clothing, etc. But no. I feel terrible. I've felt terrible all day.

So on the way here, I was driving, upset, thinking all those sorts of terrible thoughts about myself. And it's not a good idea to be in that state of mind while in a car, cause it's just too damn easy to kill yourself. Well, I didn't kill myself (obviously). But something kind of strange happened. At one point, I kind of just... shut off.

Well, my brain didn't shut off, because it was keeping me driving and conscious and all that. But.. it was like, my emotions got completely shut off. And parts of my face felt kind of numb and immobile. The only parts I would/could move were my eyes and my lips/tongue. The rest of my body may or may not have been numb, but I obviously had to have my right leg and arms working. It was just weird. I felt very.. out of it. No emotion, no pain. Like a fucking robot. Hypnotized almost. I'd call it highway hypnosis, but I've had that happen to me before and this wasn't that. This was like, complete emotional disconnection from everything. I was pretty expressionless and motionless.

I think, maybe it was my subconscious way of preventing myself from driving off the road. Or preventing myself from getting so upset and crying so much that I couldn't see. Who knows. It's just a theory. Even if it wasn't anything, or if I'm completely wrong about everything I've said, it still was weird.

Anyhow. Christmas with the Auriches in.. 5 days. Christmas with my family in.. 7 days. Christmas with Kevin... I have no clue.

I have to send Kari's gift out tomorrow. It is all ready, I just have to go to the post office tomorrow and get it all sent out.

I haven't heard from Peggy in a long time, so I'm going to assume she just is too wrapped up in things to talk to me, or that she doesn't care to talk to me. Either way.

I'd say, "Who's job is it to cheer me up today?" but it shouldn't be anyone's job. It's my responsibility. I'll get over it eventually. I actually had a good run of not being overcritical and generally mean to myself. Oh well.

So yuck. I'm working on aprons and Christmas presents tonight.