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12/17/2002 entry: "Hating it"

I don't want to be here like this. Thinking, staring at the clock; then thinking some more. I don't want to think. There's nothing that can be resolved by forcing myself to turn over every detail in my mind again and again.

I'm so tired, and I just want to lay my head down on this desk and pretend no one is here. That's almost true. There aren't many people here. I want to be at home. I want to be somewhere comfortable and solitary. I want to know what to say and how to act. I want to know, what I'm doing wrong?

I didn't want to leave home in the first place. I wanted to stay there and just wallow in how pitiful I am, but I couldn't. I had to work. I'm lucky I didn't get in an accident on the way.

I'm slowly falling asleep here, and it's sad and I don't want to sleep here. I want to be home. Or out somewhere. Just not here.

I want to be at a restaurant saying things like "Life sucks; I want to die; I hate everything; I'm such a shitty human being; There's no reason to live"

All things I don't really believe but I feel like I'm supposed to say them when I feel like this, so I say them. Thinking that people will pick up that I'm upset or sad or depressed or angry, because of what I say. But, then there's another problem. People think I mean all those things. They look to fix the specific thing I mentioned, or address the specific thing I mentioned, because they think it's the root of my problem. "There's nothing wrong with you; Sure there are reasons to live; Thanks, you mean I don't make you want to live?;" If I didn't mean it in the first place, how is THAT going to help me?

So some people would say I shouldn't say the things I don't mean. But, how am I supposed to let people know how I feel without being a conceited ass about it? "Hey, I'm upset, comfort me". Yeah, that's real nice. As if my being upset is enough of a concern for them. They have their own problems, after all. Not that I think that way about them. Of course I'm concerned about other people. Even if I do have my own problems. Though, that sounds conceited doesn't it? I don't mean it that way. I'm justing talking out loud, although typing more than talking. I guess it's just that sometimes I get a little tired from a lot of people putting things on to me, and having few people that I can talk to about things that bother me, I get backed up with all this stress and tension.

I just feel like crying right now. But I can't. I'm at work goddammit. Nothing can be wrong with me, because I have a job to do. Not much of one at the moment, but a job nonetheless.

I wish though, that I could just run out to my car and burst into tears. That I could drive home. Or drive anywhere besides here and just exist and sit.

But no. I have an hour and a half left of work. I could read, but I really don't feel like it. So I sit.

It's 8pm. Hm. No, I doubt it. Not with the way things were earlier. He probably doesn't want to see me. I can't blame him, I'm not much fun right now. In fact, I'm not any fun, I'm a complete downer. Huh. Yeah, I suck. How nice.

Well, I think this is going to be it for a little while. I don't know how much more I have to say, really. I mean I want to sit here and type and type and talk about tons of stuff. But I just don't know what anyone would be interested in. None of it seems interesting to me, it's all a bunch of bullshit and boring stories. Nothing that funny or interesting ever happens to me, you have to realize that. It's been a while since good interesting things happened to me. These days, it's mostly bad or complicated. Except for certain things with Kevin.

It's either, worrying about school.. wondering how my Uncle is doing and if he's going to pull through this cancer thing... hoping my Dad can get a new job quickly so my family will be alright financially... worrying about my own financial problems... driving related stress.. wondering why Peggy seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth... trying to figure out what I'm going to do after I get my Bachelor's degree.. wondering where I should live (because I don't really care, and I'm also wondering if I should care)... chiding myself for not doing anything with my music yet over winter break.. feeling stupid for being so inefficient at certain things... feeling bland for not doing anything artistic at all in a while... being in various physical pain and wondering if I won't wake up tomorrow because there's something terribly wrong with me and I just never knew.... Fuck. I don't even know if that's all. I just know I feel like I should stop. In fact, I know that's not it, there's a couple more things, but I don't want to start up with that again because I don't think I could stop.

I guess the appropriate response for you to give would be, "Welcome to being an adult. Join the club." and other cliched sayings like those.

Yeah, I guess.