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12/25/2002 entry: "I hate this feeling"

My mouth is really dry, and I know I'm tired but I dread sleeping. I feel so tense. Afraid? This is no time to be afraid and cautious.

Is the floor really vibrating, or is it just me? It seems to be vibrating to the music. But that's impossible, because the music is playing in my headphones. Besides that the speakers / computer are on a desk, not on the floor. Maybe I'm just imagining things.

Thinking about all the things I saw tonight makes me sick. I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to do terrible things to them. I wanted the earth to crush them with its miserable, intolerable weight. I wanted hell to open up right under their feet and suck them into its scarring, fatal fumes. To me, they don't deserve anything. They certainly don't deserve that.

But then again, maybe I'm the one who doesn't deserve it and therefore doesn't have it. Maybe it doesn't even exist. Maybe I'm just being the dense, stupid girl I've always been.

I want to inflict pain upon the entire rest of the world. I want to burn them and bleed them and hurt them. I want to break their hearts and pick at them with guilt. I want to torture them. That's what this feels like, like I want to hurt everyone in the world.

But I'm suffocating myself with this god damn pillow and I can't move or act at all. All I can do is think about how much I want to bring extreme pain to all of existence, and how it still feels like the floor is vibrating to the music.