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01/02/2003 entry: "Now who can't sleep?"

Ok. Ok. Ok.

Maybe I am a complete idiot. Ha, pessimism? Nope. I'm not pessimistic. I'm an optimist. Huge optimist. Idealist. Delusional idealist. Never realizes anything.

I thought things were good. I liked things. I was somewhat content. I will be somewhat content. Right now, I am not sleeping and I should be.

Maybe I shouldn't have gone online tonight. No, that's not true. Would have happened anyways.

I could handle how things were. But if all this comes true, then.. I don't know. I'm not sure. I can't say. It's a little too scary to think about right now.

But I, am going to go upstairs and attempt to dull myself into something resembling sleep. Then I am going to do the things I said I'd do tomorrow. Then I am going to.. wait. Just wait. Wait, and numb myself, and.. yes.

I don't have anything else to say. It just.. no.