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03/13/2003 entry: "And after the lull,"

I know I haven't written an entry in here in a while. For one thing, the end of the term has been busy. For another, it's been painful. And I really don't like writing about all the painful stuff that happens to me in here anymore.

Let's just say, my mornings have gone back to being difficult. Very difficult. That whole thing about being asleep, forgetting your problems, and then waking up and it's like it happens all over again.

In any case, life has not been fun lately. It seems like everything that can go wrong, has. Even today, I went to go pay my traffic ticket in Wheaton, and goddammit, the fire alarm went off while I was waiting in line. So I have to go back this afternoon. And I have a lot of finals-shit to do today.

I have a feeling life is going to be hard for quite a while this time. But I'm not a lost cause just yet. No matter what happens to me, I always end up with some tiny bead of hope and faith stuck in my gut. Maybe that's just me being naive.

No, you know what? It's not. I'm so FUCKING sick of people seeing me as this naive, stupid, illogical, irrational girl. What the FUCK. I'm not naive, I'm not a goddamn idiot, and my powers of logic are buffer than your mom. I am unfortunately aware of entirely too much of what goes on around me. Sure, the way I act sometimes, you'd never know it. But there are so many factors that go into how I behave, so many details. I have to consider the consequences of everything.

I have a bead of hope in my gut because 1) there's always hope left in the world and 2) my logic is telling me that it's ridiculous to assume things are going to work out for the worst, considering certain factors and actions and thoughts from the past and present. My bead of hope is shiny, pure and clean. It isn't stained by foolish disregard for reality, denial of my/other people's feelings or anything else like that. I'm not hurting anyone with it.

I think that bead is the one untouched, real thing I have left inside me. Everything else has been influenced, biased, corrupted, shaped, kicked, squeezed, cradled or otherwise affected.

I wasn't intending on ranting in here, but lo and behold, I have.

I don't know what I'm doing for Spring Break, I just know that I want to go somewhere, at least for a couple of days. I wish I would be doing that with Kevin, but then again, neither of us really knows where we want to go, we're just going along with whatever other people want. It's going to be really hard. Everything's going to be really hard. And I have a lot more "hard" to go through before I get to the good stuff.

Like it used to say in my profile, "There are the good things, and then there are the hard things you have to do to get to the good things". Or, something like that. I have one big hard thing I have to do, but if I can do it, it can get me to one huge really really good thing. So, I suppose it's worth it. I wish there was a shortcut. I need a time machine. Maybe I'll check out Ebay for time machines. Heh.

I really think a pizza is in order. If not tonight, tomorrow night. Come on Kevin, you love pizza nights. You've owed me one since like, last week. I'm willing to give up doing homework for a couple hours.