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03/30/2003 entry: "Save me some time"

I think I've realized something about myself in the past 24 hours. Regarding everything that's been happening in my life in the past month or so. It helps to explain what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, why I'm acting the way I am.. all of it.

The bottom line is, I'm scared. Not horror movie scared, I mean "this is your life, now deal with it" scared. I'm scared of what I feel, and what's going to happen. I'm scared that if I do one little thing wrong that it'll make my life miserable, and I'll regret it terribly. I'm scared that there is no "meant to be", and that even if there is, that I'm "meant to be" alone like this. I'm scared of people not caring, and I'm even scared of caring about them.

It's so goddamn simple, yet it's taken me this long to be able to say it to myself.
"I'm scared."

I don't really know what else to say about it right now, it's only been like an hour since I realized this. Give me time, I'll have more emotional crap to fill up this journal.

On a musical note, I really really like the Rainer Maria song, "The Double Life". My favorite part is when the girl sings,

"You want me completely
And I'm ready,
And it's fine"

Because she really BELTS it out. And, well, the lyrics are great too :) But it's kind of an emotional high point for me in the song. It's good shit.

Okay, I have some trouble to stir up. I have to go wait for a phone call in my room since I can't find my cell phone adapter. Rah! I'm so absentminded. Goodnight.