[previous entry: "Quiet dear, I'm blooming within"] [main index] [next entry: "I'm ready and it's fine"]

03/31/2003 entry: "Can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being"

I think I almost cried when I read this...

"It's been a long night. Have I told you too much again? Maybe this online diary is a bad idea because I am too honest for my own good. I want to write because I want you to know me. I want you to know that I am more than just my lyrics I am a person just like you. If I offended anyone I am sorry...I seem to offend everyone."

Fuck, I thought I was reading my own journal for a second there. The journal I got that from was for the singer of My Ruin. I was just kind of looking around their website for mp3s (since my CD is crapping out on me). And I started reading her journal and by the time I got to that part, I was pretty absorbed. All I know, is I totally know how she feels. I've said that to myself many many times. I've probably said it on here half of those times. I don't know, maybe everyone who writes in their journal feels like this at some point.

But more often than not, I feel like I'm being entirely too honest. Well, afterward. When I'm writing it, most of the time I want to say more and more, but I stop myself because I kind of learned in the past that being that honest isn't necessarily a good thing for me, personally.

On the other hand, does anyone know how I truly feel about anything? Sure, anyone who knows me or even just reads this has pieces of that knowledge. But does anyone decode my entries? Has anyone put the pieces together? Do I make any sense at all? Has anyone even witnessed all the thoughts and feelings I have even on one specific subject? No. Maybe that doesn't happen though. Maybe it shouldn't.

Obviously that brings up the question, do *I* even know how I truly feel about anything. Yeah, obviously I do, because I'm feeling it. I may not be able to put it into words. But just because I can't tell you how I feel doesn't mean it's not real.

Like right now, I could say I'm hurting because I'm crying. But it's not just that, it's so much more. And I can't say it. Even if I try, I'll never get it right.

I don't want to go on for much longer. And yes, there usually is "code" in my entries, at least in that I'll say something that means something to me and MIGHT mean something to someone else, but that looks like gibberish to everyone else. It's my way of expressing things that are bursting from within without actually saying them and possibly making someone mad, embarrassing someone else or myself, or making trouble for myself in any way possible. There's a chance someone will realize what I'm saying (which could be good, it depends), but there's a greater chance that they won't. And so, in that way, I'm safe.

Call an ambulance, I don't want to walk home alone.