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04/03/2003 entry: "Ugggh"

I have about an hour til my next class. And though I'm sure I have things I ought to do, I'm just sitting here at the computer. I don't have any of the books I need to be reading anyhow, so what's the point?

This'll be long, here's a cut..

Crap, today sucks. After this class, I don't have anything else going on. So, I'll end up just sitting in my room for hours doing nothing. I was hoping Kevin would want to do something, but 1) I forgot he has a class at night on Thursdays and 2) he probably isn't even going to it, there's some concert he's going to with somebody.

So, Sara told me last night that she wants to get together and.. well, "jam" would be the right term I suppose. I think she's interested in my ideas on putting together music with few people. I was telling her that you don't need to get a bassist and drummer right away, you can make music without it, I even have a program that does that. Of course, it's going to sound more electronic, but it'll do. I told her all you have to do is create some music, maybe have one particular riff to use in a loop. Then play around with drum beats in the program, grab a bass loop or two even, and then just scream and sing over it.

Of course, I don't have all the resources available to me to do this. My room is small, and while she could bring an amp and her electric guitar and stuff, it would be too loud. Okay, well we could grab a room in Pfeiffer. But, my computer won't be there. Then again, we could always get the rhythms from my computer, connect my 4 track to my computer, and record it on a tape. Then go to Pfeiffer and record the guitar and vocals over it. Hopefully I have all the cables and equipment to do that.. Hm.

Well, in any case, I want to do that Friday. She's going to think about it. If she doesn't come over Friday, then forget it, I'm probably going to go home or something. Well, no, I shouldn't. Because I have to work Saturday morning. Ack.

Whatever, I'll just sit in my room for hours on end and be miserable just like I have every single day this week. How delightful. Not that I don't have work to do. I do. But we all know how much Rachel hates doing what she's supposed to be doing.

Not to say that I couldn't annoy the hell out of the few friends I have here until one of them gives in and does something with me. No, not at all. I could do that. And may do that. We'll see how things go.

But you know what? I think I'd rather have moments of utter misery than be ignorant and run away from everything. Sure, I can forget about things for a little while when I'm with people. But how the fuck would I learn anything by not thinking about it? By avoiding what I'm feeling? By being with people just for the sake of not being alone, instead of actually wanting to be with them? I think that would make me more pathetic. Everything I've learned in this life is due to having the time to be alone and think about what's happening around me. Or to me, for that matter.

Maybe some people don't value that, but that causes me to question their conscientiousness and awareness of.. just about everything. Themselves, other people, the world, misery, happiness, consequences of actions, etc. They may take classes on philosophy, read great books, have seemingly deep conversations about life with other people. But does it ever mean anything to them? Does it ever sink in? (Perhaps, this is why I'm still a psychology major.. obsessively interested in the human mind and human experience). I always have at least one moment in a class where something strikes me, and I don't let it just pass by. That's wasteful. And foolish. When you're fortunate enough to be slapped in the face by something that has incredible bearing on yourself and your life, you can't just push it aside. Even if it's painful.

Maybe I am strange in how I value pain and suffering (to a point, don't mistake me for masochist or something). Obviously, some people are forced to suffer entirely too much of it, and I wish that didn't have to happen. But for myself at least, I'll never be able to say that I really lived unless I've felt a very full range of emotions. Not only joy, pure love, innocent happiness, awe. Also rage, despair, betrayal, depression, violation, hopelessness. What is happiness if you've never tasted tragedy? What is rage if you've never known peace? Everything is relative for me, whether other people disagree or not.

I think that's a good average rant, don't you? When you spend as much time as I do chattering inside your own head, sometimes you need to flush some of it out. It gets a little crowded in there. Don't mistake me for always being depressing and sour. When I'm with people I generally am grateful and involved, the reason that I don't think about these things when I'm in someone's company. It's just I'm not happy with my life right now and since I know something's wrong, I'm searching for the right connection of thoughts to help me ease that.

Imagine me, sitting inside my brain, connecting millions of tiny wires trying to find the right combination? Hmm. That's a doozy.

I have to go to class now. Should be interesting. I like reading Greek plays, they go quickly for me and are fairly easy for me to understand. Plus all the drama and violence really gets you locked in. It's good stuff.