[previous entry: "No post, just creative writing"] [main index] [next entry: "Soon we'll be done"]

04/06/2003 entry: "Wow."

Today has been weird. Well, to be fair, the past week has been entirely too weird and dramatic for my taste, but today was the cherry on top of the "what the hell just happened" sundae.

I'm going to try to be somewhat brief and objective about this, I don't want to go on and on about it. Basically, today Kevin left. Apparently he woke up this morning, was late for work, had been thinking about just running away to live his life and decided to do it. He's been saying he wanted to for a long long time, and he just did. Beyond that, the girl he's been seeing went with him. Yeah.

So he's gone, at least for now. He doesn't really know where he's going. But, he said he'd call when he got where he was going. He stopped by the dorms today to pick up things and I asked him if I could see him before he left. So he came over and we talked and everything. It was really really hard. The transition from relationship to friendship was hard enough as it is, and now throw in the transition from him being here, to him being somewhere else.

I've been hanging out with my friend Sarah who lives down the hall all day. Well, since I found out. She's been very helpful and she's really one of the greatest friends I've found here. I was extremely upset earlier today. I couldn't stop crying for a while. I cried when Kevin came over, I cried harder when he left. I cried while I was talking to Sarah. I think I've gotten to the 'calm melancholy' stage.

I don't really know what's going to happen now. Kevin is supposed to call me when he gets wherever, so that's good. And I really hope we're going to keep in touch through all of this. I think I'm still in a bit of shock. It's just hard to imagine that he's gone.

It's... all very surreal. Like I said, I don't know what's going to happen. No one does. No one can tell how all of this is going to end up.

One thing that I want to say; Many many times Kevin wanted me to run away with him. I always said no. Because I had school and work and responsibilities. I don't think he'll ever know how badly I wanted to say yes. And when he came over here, he said, "You know, I always wanted you to come with me." But instead, she's going with him. That's really twisting the knife. Yes, maybe I did lose my chance.

But I have said that after graduation, I'd go anywhere. It doesn't matter to me. But, he was impatient and restless. I valued someday having a college degree. Kevin didn't care at all about it.

All I know is that no matter what he does, he's always going to be one of the most important people in the world to me. Maybe he doesn't understand that. Maybe he feels guilty or unworthy of that status. I don't know.

But I'm going to miss him terribly. And I hope he finds what he's looking for. Or if he doesn't, I hope he has enough sense to do the right thing. I know wherever he ends up, I'm going to try to visit him during the summer. And I hope he'll come and visit whenever he can. And I hope he'll keep in touch with me and let me know how things are, since we did agree to do that when we broke up the second time.

I don't really want to sit and ruminate about this for much longer, I've done enough of it today. All I know is that I love him and I'm going to miss him so much. I'm going to try and make the best of the situation, because I am not letting myself get to the low point I was at earlier in the week. I have dreams for myself, and this is only going to fuel them and push me that much closer.

Right now, I feel a bit stronger and more confident. I think I have more of a drive to reach out to some of the people that I've come to know around here. Maybe even.. that there's no obstacles in front of me right now? I mean, the only obstacles that exist are ones that I've created. They're all just in my head. And when I clear my mind and really center myself, they seem to disappear.

No more excuses. No more obstacles. No more letting other people's drama get to me. I'm a goddamn woman and I'm going to tear shit up. Hell yeah.