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04/21/2003 entry: "Mm mm mmm"

I am really fucking bored right now. I don't really want to go to sleep, and I don't really want to start another week all over again, but I also don't really have a choice.

I have so many issues to deal with. They're just piling up. I don't want to talk about them right now, because they're extremely personal. Plus,.. how to explain this. They're kind of stupid to say. If I said them, people would have pre-memorized lines to say in response and I hate that. Just because they're common issues doesn't make it okay to give mindless advice.

Besides those things though, I keep going back and forth about school. Like, what am I doing after I graduate? And how is what I'm doing here going to help that? And how can I even create a connection between classes and careers when I don't know exactly what I'm going to be doing? Not that I don't know what I want necessarily. I just have a lot of options. I know that I want to really devote my time to developing my music, so in order to have that luxury I'm going to have to find a good, enjoyable job to support myself. I can work in a library, I can work as a counselor or something along that line, I can.. hell, I could assist a web design company maybe. I like having options. Because I can adapt easily.

That's really important to me. Because then if I want to up and move to a different state (or different country for that matter), I can without feeling like I have to completely change my life. Or, if I work in one area too long and start to get restless, I can get a job in a different area and feel that sense of excitement again.

But, like many other people, I have a hard time being motivated. I've never really been that ambitious I guess. And maybe that does tie in to some of my other issues, in the sense that I look at myself differently than I look at the rest of the world. I see other people as normal people who experience normal things. I see myself as "the other", as the odd one out who doesn't do the things normal people do, who doesn't.. I guess the word normal isn't right.

Let's put it this way. I see myself as bad. I have an image of good, but I can never live up to it. Good is having something you do well that gets you somewhere in life, being attractive, having fairly consistent behavior, not worrying about what other people are thinking all the time, saying the right things, being social, being healthy,.. there's a list. Not a physical, tangible list. But some sort of list that I've formed an image with. And.. like I said, I can never live up to it. No one really can, but by forcing myself into the role of "the seer", the observer, I see other people as that good image. Or I at least see parts of it in them and it bothers me. There's a conflict. Like, "This person can do that, why can't you?"

So I guess I rationalize it, and say, "You're bad, that's why. You're not normal. You will be miserable until you can act normal."

At least that's how I'm thinking about it right now. See, even just outlining the basics of it sounds stupid to me. I know it's wrong to create an unattainable ideal to compare myself to. I'm a goddamn psych major, I know this is not a good thing and that it's stupid to think that just because I don't see myself as a normal or good person, that no one else does either.

It's weird. I guess I do see myself as some sort of deformed person. Not normal. I'm always surprised when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or in a picture, and for a second I look normal. By that, I think I mean... I look like someone else. For a second I don't see me, I see a girl. I desperately try to look at myself as if I've never seen me before. But... it's as impossible as it sounds. It's fleeting. Maybe it doesn't even really exist.

I keep thinking of how many times I've told other people, "There is no normal". How can I say that and yet think the things I think? I'm being a goddamn hypocrite. Clearly, I somehow believe that there is, what kind of person am I for saying it doesn't exist when I expect myself to live up to it?

This is a lot to ponder in one night. And I've been thinking way too much this entire weekend.

I really wish a certain person was here, and that I had someone to sleep next to so I could feel like there's still something good in the world. I guess that's another thing I notice every single day. How fucked up our world is.

But, here goes 4th week. One day at a time. Because that's the only way to deal with this.