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04/22/2003 entry: "YAHH"

Man. What a day.

I talked to Kevin online today, which I was a little emotional about. You know, getting to have an actual conversation with him as opposed to an email. I can't wait to see him in May.

Then, there was some other shit going down with a friend of Sarah's. There's really no need for me to get into what it was. It just sucks that she has so much stuff going on right now. And most of it isn't directly happening to her, it's her friends. The problem is that it's alll happening at the same time. Somehow she's staying sane about it, I have to give her credit for that.

I did get some reading done, and I feel good about that. I hate it when I just sit around reading or watching TV or ruminating about whatever new drama is going on, and then it hits me, "Hey, I had (insert homework) to do. Shit."

I'm thinking, Sara Nia and I need a bit of a drinking night again. Maybe not too soon, but before the end of the term. I could invite Sarah to come along if she'd like to, it would at least help to get her mind off of any stressful things going on. Hell, that's why I want it.

Crap crap crap. The most difficult situations are ones in which you're totally affected by everything, and it makes you miserable and stressed out, but you can't do anything about it. You can't change what happened, you can't fix everything and make it magically better, and you can't change how people feel about you. I think Sarah would totally agree with me on this, she's feeling that.

Mmph. "The Right Thing". I'm under the impression (however naive) that there is always a right thing to do, a right action to take. The thing that will help you along to "Happy", the thing that will make any current pain less sharp. The thing that will basically cushion and guide you along the path to What You Want. I have not found that thing.

I have found a few things that make me happy, though. A few people in this world that I genuinely enjoy being around. People I care about, even love. But it's hard to have that knowledge when you can't always have those things that make you happy. It's hard to find your way back to them when you get so lost.

I am lost and looking for a pair of open arms to guide me back home to a heart that loves me and always will.