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04/22/2003 entry: "Tales from the computer lab"

In one of the communities I stuck in my friends list (an occult one or something) someone posted an email a friend had sent them. Apparently, someone on a train had told her the forces of chaos were out to get Wiccans this week. So, someone responded with:

The forces of chaos aren't out to get wiccans this week.
They are out to get everybody.

And I'm sitting there thinking, "This WEEK? Try the entire past month"

I don't really know what to make of it, I can't take anything those types of people say too seriously. However, I'm not one to cast aside all claims of that nature. When you still have some sort of belief in fate, it's hard not to consider the possibility of certain forces acting out at particular times. Let's just live up to the phrase "take it with a grain of salt".

I'm so tired already. Bah. I have my class in about 40 minutes and have already freshened my memory regarding the discussion I have to lead today. I still feel very.. stressed, I suppose. On one hand, I keep thinking "This shouldn't be happening, I can't believe this is happening" etc. But on the other hand, I keep reminding myself that a month and a half ago the whole purpose of Kevin and I being apart was for him to go out and experience other things. And, well, he is. It had to happen. I just wasn't prepared for it to be so soon, and I wasn't prepared for all the feelings that would come along with it.

I've said it before, I'm just scared. Plus, when you know someone so well and when they're so important to you, their absence really takes its toll. And I think I'm not the only one feeling that regarding him. In fact, I'm sure I'm not.

I really am scared though, scared of things not working out the way I want them to. Scared that I'll never see him again after all this. That he'll never want a serious relationship or want it with someone else. I'm not surprised that I'm afraid of that, and it's completely normal and natural to feel that way.

But, let's move on to other subjects. I'm actually a tad excited about the subjects I'm going to get to write about in the future. I have a topic for my final paper in my Seminar class, it's going to be on the psychanalytic perspective of revenge violence, specifically violence done to women by men. And how violence to women becomes revenge through this perspective. And, even going so far as to discuss what psychanalysis suggests for solutions or ways of dealing with this violence.

I'm also doing a book report on an interesting book of Freud's, called Beyond the Pleasure Principle. The reason it's so interesting is that it's a later book of his, and he kind of modifies his theories on drives in it. And I'm not a huge fan of his cut and dry "sex and aggression" drive theory, so this should be good for me.

I can't wait to get my friends together to go bowling. I just think it would be a really fun time. Plus, I really do want Sara and Nia to meet Sarah.

Ugh, 4th week. Only 6 more weeks or so left. About 12 more days til I get to see Kevin. Granted, he won't be here for long. But, I'm looking forward to it nonetheless. Anything is better than nothing.

I guess that's all from me for now. Hell, it's plenty! I don't know how I always have so much to write about in here. Granted I do tend to repeat myself a bit.. but yeah. I guess it's all the complex emotions going on inside that prompts me to just write and write and write until I get sick of it. Even if I'm writing about other things in my head, at least it's making a bit of room in here. Let's face it, my head has been a little crowded these days and I always need to cram more stuff in there.

Oh, I do have a few pictures from Easter weekend. Nothing fascinating, just a few interesting pictures. I'll get them set up, maybe tonight. I have art dept website stuff to do tonight too, so yeah. Always something, eh? I also need to call Sara tonight, she left me a message last night and I promised I'd call her today since I was kind of in bed when she left the message. Okay okay that's it. No more typing.