[previous entry: "wheeee"] [main index] [next entry: "I am so not normal"]
04/25/2003 entry: "Sunny days"
Uggh I am so tired. Why in the world do I let myself stay up so late? I just end up doing weird things.. like the new webcam pictures.. although, I did get a new icon for livejournal and AIM. I was overdue, and I had a nice little picture from Easter Sunday when I made a Dunkin Donuts run before going to my Aunt's house.
Tired, and I have to pick up my timecard.. ohh, shit. Okay, here's the thing. I have to try and remember what hours I worked in the past two weeks so that I don't have to deal with trying to get back into the art center this weekend. I'll figure it out while I'm working for the next two hours. Hm.
But, I am very excited about tonight. I decided to bring both my cameras, so I have some actual physical pictures. I like having those because I can cover my room in them. And I like having pictures of my friends up, because it reminds me that I'm not truly alone.
I kind of miss getting to talk to certain people online, seeing as I'm always away now. Either with Sarah, or reading or working or something.
Reading Crime and Punishment makes me feel a little crazy, so I apologize for my lack of organization in my thoughts. I need to finish that book. So I can stop feeling crazy. Raskolnikov's speeches and inner monologues kind of suck me in. Maybe I'm just all too familiar with that feeling of being on the edge...
There's this song I've recently been obsessing over, by a band called Murder By Death. No, I'm not joking. They used to have a different name.. and I was all prepared for them to suck, because usually when I listen to a band based on them having a cool name, they do suck. But this one song they have, called I'm Afraid of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.. it's in my head constantly. You'd have to hear it (which you can, @ http://www.eyeballrecords.com/multimedia.html).
It's very layered. I have two songs, and they use a cello and I think maybe a violin in one of the songs.. well, in any case, it's pretty good. I like the singer's voice too, and that's usually pretty important to me. But even just the rhythm and layering of instruments hooks me. I think the production of the songs could have been a little better, or at least different. The vocals need to be louder or clearer or something.
I just can't believe how energetic I was last night. I could have stayed up all night, I swear. So weird. Although I'm sure Nia would have a theory if I told her all about my day yesterday. Haha. She has a point, I'm just not sure what to make of how I feel about that point.
I kind of hate how my feelings can ebb and flow. And when I say my feelings, I mean how I feel regarding just about anything. I realize that there is an unmistakable truth to how I feel about any given subject, but sometimes it's hard to figure out what that truth is when things keep going back and forth. There are only a few things or people that I know that truth about.
I guess it's always good to question your feelings, because confronting the chance that you're lying to yourself can only benefit you. If you are, then you realize it and can move on from there. If you're not, your feelings are only strengthened and you feel much better about it.
Not to say that knowing your true feelings will bring you blissful happiness, or take away all of your pain. If it did, it wouldn't be so hard to confront yourself. I know, because I've asked myself time and time again if I'm lying to myself about how I feel on one specific subject. And the answer is always no. As a result, I've had to accept the pain that comes along with that. No doubt there's joy as well, but.. as the cliche goes, this particular subject brings both joy and pain.
I just have to learn to make it a part of my life, I suppose. Not let it disrupt everything else I'm striving for. Not let it interrupt my thoughts and concentration. Because all I have to control is myself, and I think I live better when I accept both the truth of it all and the fact that I have to control myself regarding that truth. I have felt guilty in a way for suppressing some of the wild emotions and expressions that try to force their way out. But, I'm also assimilating the idea that there is true feeling inside despite the control. That control doesn't make the feeling disappear. If it did, there would be no need for control.
But I think I'm going around in circles, and should leave this for another day.