march 31, 2003
I think I almost cried when I read this...
"It's been a long night. Have I told you too much again? Maybe this online diary is a bad idea because I am too honest for my own good. I want to write because I want you to know me. I want you to know that I am more than just my lyrics I am a person just like you. If I offended anyone I am sorry...I seem to offend everyone."
Fuck, I thought I was reading my own journal for a second there. The journal I got that from was for the singer of My Ruin. I was just kind of looking around their website for mp3s (since my CD is crapping out on me). And I started reading her journal and by the time I got to that part, I was pretty absorbed. All I know, is I totally know how she feels. I've said that to myself many many times. I've probably said it on here half of those times. I don't know, maybe everyone who writes in their journal feels like this at some point.
But more often than not, I feel like I'm being entirely too honest. Well, afterward. When I'm writing it, most of the time I want to say more and more, but I stop myself because I kind of learned in the past that being that honest isn't necessarily a good thing for me, personally.
On the other hand, does anyone know how I truly feel about anything? Sure, anyone who knows me or even just reads this has pieces of that knowledge. But does anyone decode my entries? Has anyone put the pieces together? Do I make any sense at all? Has anyone even witnessed all the thoughts and feelings I have even on one specific subject? No. Maybe that doesn't happen though. Maybe it shouldn't.
Obviously that brings up the question, do *I* even know how I truly feel about anything. Yeah, obviously I do, because I'm feeling it. I may not be able to put it into words. But just because I can't tell you how I feel doesn't mean it's not real.
Like right now, I could say I'm hurting because I'm crying. But it's not just that, it's so much more. And I can't say it. Even if I try, I'll never get it right.
I don't want to go on for much longer. And yes, there usually is "code" in my entries, at least in that I'll say something that means something to me and MIGHT mean something to someone else, but that looks like gibberish to everyone else. It's my way of expressing things that are bursting from within without actually saying them and possibly making someone mad, embarrassing someone else or myself, or making trouble for myself in any way possible. There's a chance someone will realize what I'm saying (which could be good, it depends), but there's a greater chance that they won't. And so, in that way, I'm safe.
Call an ambulance, I don't want to walk home alone.
posted by rachel
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I'm hanging out in Carnegie labs. Got most of my shit done. I have to go back to the Business office after work, at around 5pm. I have to sign a check or something. Weird.
My internet should be back up and running tonight, if ITS has any sort of efficiency whatsoever. Since I have no faith in ITS, I say 'should' instead of 'will'.
Feeling a bit nervous about class. I always am the first day. Yeesh. My first class is a History of Ideas course, 19th/20th century thought. Fun fun fun. I'm dreading the syllabus though. It's an honors course, it's probably going to be full of papers and assignments and reading and all that.
Funny thing. I'm sure my suitemates think I'm a busy girl, I've been going in and out of my room since yesterday when I got here. In and out, phones ringing, people coming in, people going out. Hell, I almost believe it myself! I was on the phone a bunch, and first down-the-hall-Sarah came over because her phone kept crapping out on her. Then, other-Sara came over at around 11pm or so. She was supposed to do homework tonight, but opted to instead come visit me :D We went for coffee and soup at Omega. I'm sooo glad that restaurant exists.
I think I'm going to head out soon, I have class in 20 minutes. Yeehaw. Later.
posted by rachel
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march 30, 2003
I think I've realized something about myself in the past 24 hours. Regarding everything that's been happening in my life in the past month or so. It helps to explain what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it, why I'm acting the way I am.. all of it.
The bottom line is, I'm scared. Not horror movie scared, I mean "this is your life, now deal with it" scared. I'm scared of what I feel, and what's going to happen. I'm scared that if I do one little thing wrong that it'll make my life miserable, and I'll regret it terribly. I'm scared that there is no "meant to be", and that even if there is, that I'm "meant to be" alone like this. I'm scared of people not caring, and I'm even scared of caring about them.
It's so goddamn simple, yet it's taken me this long to be able to say it to myself.
"I'm scared."
I don't really know what else to say about it right now, it's only been like an hour since I realized this. Give me time, I'll have more emotional crap to fill up this journal.
On a musical note, I really really like the Rainer Maria song, "The Double Life". My favorite part is when the girl sings,
"You want me completely
And I'm ready,
And it's fine"
Because she really BELTS it out. And, well, the lyrics are great too :) But it's kind of an emotional high point for me in the song. It's good shit.
Okay, I have some trouble to stir up. I have to go wait for a phone call in my room since I can't find my cell phone adapter. Rah! I'm so absentminded. Goodnight.
posted by rachel
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Tiring day. I am tired. And, pissed off because it turns out I was supposed to fill out some kind of port change form, and so the internet in my room isn't working. And, Carnegie is closed so I can't go in there to a) print out the form or b) turn it in. Unless they'd let me send it to them.. Hm. I'd better just wait, though. I can do it tomorrow. I have class anyways.
So, if you'd like to chat with me and I'm not online, here's a couple ways.
1 - my cell phone (send a message, go to cingular.com, click on 'messaging center' at the very top, type in 7082128734. or use any of those popular text messaging websites.)
Or, just call it if you're so inclined :)
2 - call my room! I'm sure I'll be there. 6306377724 (yes, I memorized it already. I have special talents.)
Not that I expect anyone to actually want to get in touch with me tonight, but it's possible. Later.
posted by rachel
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Okay, so.. I'm kind of on my third hard lemonade of the night, and I have to get up in 8 and a half hours. Not a problem. I will sleep well.
I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo confused. Welcome to my hell, everyone.
Okay, I exaggerate, I'm not in hell. But ow, I wish I would stop getting random stomach pains. Yuck. Probably from Pizza Hut earlier.
I'm in an okay mood I guess, I talked to Michael for the first time in a while earlier tonight. He went to bed already. I always enjoy our conversations cause he teaches me about Zimbabwe and cricket and rhyming slang.
I'm listening to my CDs and though msot of them are damaged and scratched badly, my Modest Mouse one is working fiiiiiiiiiine. And that's good. It's a little depressing, and I just wrote some crazy lyrics. But that's GOOD, not bad. Well, it's a good thing that I wrote the crazy lyrics instead of just wallowing in my confusion. And my annoyance at the CD damage.
I saw that Greek Wedding movie tonight. It was cute... in a "this sucks but I'm lonely and it gives me hope" kind of way. There's nothing really going ON in the movie. Within the first like 40 minutes of the movie, the main character goes from ugly to pretty, finds a guy she likes, dates him, AND gets him to propose. WHAT? It's just a "masses" kind of movie. As in the masses don't really care about movies and will watch whatever crap you throw into the nearest multiplex. YEEHAW! I have to admit, being Greek looks kind of fun. But then I think of Full House and that feeling gets ripped away. Thankfully.
Anyhow, it didn't make me want to rip my eyeballs out, there were a couple pretty funny parts, but it certainly wasn't anything brilliant or even "pretty good". Or good at all. It was just your average romantic comedy.
Okay, I have half a bottle of this stuff to finish, and some other things awaiting me in my room. I'm going to do that, pass out, and then MOVE BACK TO SCHOOL TOMORROW MORNING. HA.
By the way, I don't know where Kevin is, he's either at home asleep or off in Bufu Canada still. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.
On one hand, this term will suck because of all the shit I have to do. On the other hand, I have a lot of shit to do and won't play the "oh pathetic me, boodie-hoo" game. I JUST WISH I HAD MY CAR BACK. MOTHER FUCKER. I won't have one til at LEAST after this summer, if even then.
Somebody count how many spelling errors / typos I had in this entry. I have to rate myself. 2 1/2 hard lemonades = how many errors?
AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm fucking going. To dream about playing cricket in the park. Weeee. Kick my ass to bed, Modest Mouse.
posted by rachel
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march 29, 2003
I have the feeling that I need to run outside and fucking scream my lungs out. Unfortunately, in... whatever, 2 years, however long it's been, I still can't do it. Or rather, won't. For fear of the wrath those who sleep will cast upon me.
.......
I've been reading too much Oresteia or however it's spelled. Damn Greeks.
posted by rachel
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HEY I'M LISTENING TO DEPRESSING MUSIC AND LETTING IT GET TO ME BECAUSE I'M STILL SOFT AND VULNERABLE SOMEWHERE INSIDE HERE.
Did I ever make some kind of rule for myself that said, "Don't let people ever see how pathetic you really are"? Oops. Blew that one.
The fact is, I'm very tired. In more than one way.
That's it, where's my alcohol? There's something burning in my chest again, gotta put the fire out. Tastes like pain.
Oh yeah, on a lighter note, Sara heard Johnny Cash covering Nine Inch Nails today and said to me, "There was this old guy, Willie Nelson or something, and he was playing that Nine Inch Nails song. I didn't know NIN was doing a cover". Haha. I had to enlighten the poor girl. I was on the phone with her and everytime she said "some old man" to her sister, I'd scream "JOHNNY CASH! IT'S JOHNNY CASH!".
We're funny as all hell when we get together, and we act like escaped residents from the local nuthouse when Nia joins in. This is the reason we're taking a video camera the next time we travel anywhere. I totally wish we had had one in Omaha. We were so fucking funny. Especially when we got drunk- I mean, that night when we stayed far away from alcohol and didn't try long island iced teas. We must have had an at least hour long conversation with some guy from the army staying in the hotel. What about? I think killing people. But, I was a little... out of it. Most of what I remember is being very tired and having a tiny bit of trouble standing still. It was a struggle to walk without swaying.
If you've seen the pictures, I really don't even remember how we decided to cover the mirror in "Redrum" and kisses. It just sort of happened, and I slightly remember getting my camera. At least I had the sense to do that.
And now, a random slightly-inaccurate, out-of-context quote from Peggy that I remember (it must have happened a while ago, though)
"I don't even want to know what caused them to write that song"
I'm sure I completely butchered that, but it's been a while and I'm tired.
La la la. Lots of music. Some of it makes me happy and reminds me of memories that make me smile. But some of it reminds me of other memories and those memories aren't making me smile right now. How is that? Well,
I'm here today and expected to stay on and on and on
I'm tired, I'm tired..
Looking out on the substitute scene
still going strong
XO, Mom, it's ok, it's alright, nothing's wrong.
Tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
In the place where I make no mistakes
In the place where I have what it takes
I'm never gonna know you now,
but I'm gonna love you anyhow.
posted by rachel
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I just kind of felt like posting for the hell of it. I had a nice little midnight-coffee run with Sara. It's so much easier to do while I'm at home. I'm sure we won't do it as much once I'm back at school, but more than we did in winter since it'll be warmer and Nia will come out of hibernation finally :D
I don't know if I mentioned this already, but my new room is kinda small. It IS only a single, but I think it's small for a single. But oh well. For one thing, no public bathrooms. We have a 5 room suite with two toilet-bathrooms and one with two showers in it. For another thing, I really don't have to worry about any more roommate troubles or room selection troubles because I'll have this room for the rest of college.
I'm trying to look at the bright side of all of it. The closet is huge though, I must admit. That's a good thing. I met one of my suitemates, she's one of the older women that go to our school. And she said that one of the other girls is pretty nice. And then the other two girls kind of do their own thing, are kind of loud, etc. I could kind of tell from how they decorated the common area and how their doors were decorated. But, she said they were nice anyhow. So, we'll see. As I've said before, I can just hole up in my room and ignore everyone if need be.
I can't wait to surprise Sarah. "HEY LOOK I'M ON YOUR FLOOR, I CAN BUG THE HELL OUT OF YOU NOW! HAHAHA"
I don't know my room's phone number though. Maybe I'll ask my new RA about that, whoever they are. Or, maybe they'll update it in the college website's directory. Who knows? I'll find out somehow.
I'm just waiting for Pee-wee to come online and show me a picture of this jacket she saw. La di da. I guess I'll play Virtual Pool. I don't have many websites I look at anymore unless I'm looking for information.. Hmm.
posted by rachel
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march 28, 2003
So many good shows coming up. So few people to see them with.
I just saw in the Tribune that the Liars are playing the Metro in May. Sweet as all hell, but I probably won't end up going. Just like I won't end up going to the Faint, and any other show I saw a listing for. Sigh.
I am so completely stuck at home without a car. Damn, that means I'm going to end up doing reading for my class.
posted by rachel
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I really want to go see The Faint. Someone please go with me? PLEAAAASE?
Maybe I'll ask Melisa what she's doing... I haven't talked to her for a while.. hmm.
posted by rachel
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Save me some time;
just take me out
on A and 9th.
Save me some time;
I always wanted to wake up
on the Lower East Side.
You want me completely
and I'm ready
and it's fine
and so I began
the double life.
I began the double life.
I wasn't paying attention
and you quietly reeled me in again.
And after all the games
it's business as usual again
it's just business as usual.
posted by rachel
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march 27, 2003
I made a slideshow from the pictures I took in Omaha. I sent the link out to a few people, and now I'm posting it for anyone else who's interested. Even if you're not interested in Omaha, some of the pictures are really neat and if you appreciate photography you should check it out.
There were a few pictures I really wanted that didn't come out, but I've learned my lesson. When in doubt, use the flash. Or take the time to use the night mode on the camera. Yeesh.
In any case, enjoy:
http://www.industrialbeauty.com/journal/Omaha/
posted by rachel
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march 25, 2003
Let's see. Where to begin.
The Old Market in downtown Omaha was great. I loved it. Nia loved it. There are a bunch of old buildings, and brick / cobblestone streets for part of downtown, and the buildings still have these old signs painted onto them. One of the first stores we went into had the weirdest stuff in it.
I ended up buying a really nice poster that has 3 or 4 black and white photographs of Paris on it. I tried to take pictures of some other stuff I found there, but none of those photos came out. I have to learn how to use the flash. But I can tell you that there was a Jesus action figure in that store. Very close to a punching Devil puppet (you know, like those punching Nun puppets). It was the weirdest thing.
We also went into a used bookstore down there. It was.. so cool. I mean I've seen used book stores before, it's just that this one had so many interesting books. And it was such a mess at the same time. But, I found TWO Carson McCullers books there. Actually, there was one more that had 3 books of hers in one volume, but I had two of the books and it was silly to buy that huge book. But one of the books is a collection of unpublished stories, poetry, essays, etc. AND is a first edition. The other book I bought is called "Clock without Hands" and it's very very good so far. All about death.
I had this feeling when I was in there that Kevin would probably really like that bookstore.
I'll get off the subject of Old Market for a second, though. Since I mentioned it in a previous entry, I'll mention the Kum and Go. It's a gas station we kept seeing throughout Iowa and Nebraska. Thankfully, we never had to go in one of them. We were all a little suspicious of it. I mean... what is the motivation of naming your chain of gas stations "Kum and Go" spelled K-U-M? It had to have been some type of sick joke.
Since we're on a topic containing sexual undertones, I'll mention that we were in a women's bathroom at a gas station on the way home and there was this condom machine in it. Nia had no idea what was in there. I guess what the machine said on the outside threw her off, it did say something about "love tools" or "love objects" or something like that. There were actually three types, one being a machine for flavored condoms. I had to explain that a tiny bit... I think Nia or Sara said something about them smelling like the flavor mentioned on the machine, and I said "Well, maybe they do but the whole point is for them to taste like it". I was kind of surprised that they were as uninformed as they were. Maybe I should have taken a picture of that condom machine, it was kind of funny... oh well.
Don't get me wrong, it's not as if I have any direct experience with flavored condoms themselves. I don't know where I found out about them. I don't know where I found out most things I know, to be honest. I just blame listening to LoveLine so much in high school.
Oh yeah, and Nia was the only one of us who got hit on while we were there. This guy actually parked his car and walked up to us to talk to her, and was trying to get her to go out with him that night. She just blew him off, and rightly so. For all we knew, he was a rapist or a maniacal killer.
To be honest, a part of me wishes I hadn't come back. I mean.. I have work to do, I have moving to do, I'm going to have a really hard term, I'm getting really sick of the atmosphere around here, I don't see me making many new friends while I'm at school, I don't have a car, etc. If I could just stop it all, I could get a job, save money and get a car. If I lived in Omaha in the Old Market or somewhere around there, I wouldn't really even need one. I'd just be able to walk to places in the downtown area when I was bored. Although, I would need a car to get to other interesting places. And possibly certain stores. Oh well. There's a bus, right?
On the other hand, there's always SOMETHING stopping me from all of that. There's always going to be something stopping me from moving away, something stopping me from dropping out of school. Sometimes (most of the time) it's someone. I have this conflict inside between my desire to get away from things I don't want anymore, but be able to live my life in a bubble where everyone I care about is close to me. If I move away, I'm popping my own bubble. If I stay, someone's going to pop it for me. Which one is better?
I have to go now, but there's some food for thought. Stay and be nearer the people I care about while I can, or leave and bear missing them terribly. On the other hand, staying makes me feel bored, stale, restless, stuck,.. even unhappy to a point. Going would be new, fresh, freeing, interesting, potential for more experience, an extension of my bubble maybe. Hm.
posted by rachel
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Well, I'm back early. I won't get into why, there wasn't really a solid reason, we just decided to leave early.
But I am shocked at the contents of my inbox. Way too much crap, only a couple personal / good emails. And I wrote a couple people before I left AND posted an entry in here! For crying out loud. Screw y'all if you're going to act that way.
For my own personal reference (apparently) I had a nice time. I have at least 2 rolls of film to develop (I think more like 3) and some good stories. And, I am seriously considering moving to downtown Omaha when I graduate. Nia and I were quite taken with the Old Market. She wants to move there even sooner.. and it's affordable. One bedrooms pretty much don't go higher than 800. That's where Naperville prices START.
In any case, it was an interesting trip. I can't believe we drove for 7 hours with only like one or two breaks. I also can't believe how terrible the three of us are when we get together. I'm crossing every pair of digits I have in hopes that some specific pictures come out. You know the ones, Sara.
I have to admit, I felt a tad like Dave Attell during his Alaska episode. Everytime we told someone we were from Chicago, they said "What are you doing in NEBRASKA?"
It was quite annoying by earlier today, when a guy who worked at this fantastic coffee shop said it. So I exclaimed, "WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING US THAT?" and proceeded to calm myself down by drinking one of their damn fine smoothies.
Tomorrow, I'm taking all my film to Walgreen's or something for one hour processing. Then, I'm scanning in the pictures and setting up a slide show. Lovin' it.
I've been particularly wacky and carefree today (when stress was not applied to my fragile nerves). Probably do to some wacky dreams I had last night and a similarly goofy (but interesting / helpful) conversation I had with Nia about it this morning. For like, an hour after I woke up I couldn't keep myself from stopping once in a while, thinking for a second about it, and then going "Wow, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck." Nia teased me. I continued to swear incessantly. Good times.
Not that it was a bad dream, just a weird one. And the type I hadn't had in a little while. It was kind of nice. But they're those dreams that you always wake up kind of half still in, or half still wondering if you really had it. Hot shit. (What?)
Sara and I rocked out to Devo on the way back to my house at 4am. I bought Devo in Omaha. It was beautiful. Nia likes Liz Janes now. I have some good stuff I brought back for myself. I'll take pictures / explain. More stories tomorrow.
Haha, the sun is coming up. That reminds me of something kind of nice to be reminded of. Haha. I wish it was summer.
I don't wanna sleeeeep but I have to. I've been up since like 10am or so this morning. But like I said, more stories tomorrow. Full stories. Because there's a couple winners. Remind me to tell you about "Kum and Go".
posted by rachel
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march 20, 2003
Haha... okay, let me clear something up for anyone who has been reading about my trip to Nebraska and said, "I wonder if she's just going there cause of Saddle Creek". I'm dispelling the nonexistent rumors right now.
Up until today, I had completely forgotten about Saddle Creek, and how Omaha is now known for spewing out a bunch of indie rock / emo bands. I don't know what triggered it, or how it happened. All I know, is when I came online I checked the Saddle Creek site. And sure enough, they are in Omaha.
But I swear on my CCR record that I am not going there for that reason. It's actually insanely funny to me that I chose that place, completely oblivious to indie anything.
The one saving grace is that I believe the Faint is from there? Or at least is on Saddle Creek. And, well that's cool.
So it also turns out that the French Kicks are playing in Omaha while I'm there. Only $9, I'm thinking of going. If I can get the other two stooges to come with me. It would at least be somewhat interesting. I kind of like the French Kicks, just not $10+ worth at this point.
Well, here we are. No journal entries til next Tuesday! I'm hoping I'll have like 70 awesome pictures to scan in and show you. It won't happen, but I'm definitely going to look like I'm from "out-of-town".
I have a couple emails I'd like to write, so that's it for now. I have to get up in... 6 and a half hours. Hahaha. Crap.
posted by rachel
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Haha... okay, let me clear something up for anyone who has been reading about my trip to Nebraska and said, "I wonder if she's just going there cause of Saddle Creek". I'm dispelling the nonexistent rumors right now.
Up until today, I had completely forgotten about Saddle Creek, and how Omaha is now known for spewing out a bunch of indie rock / emo bands. I don't know what triggered it, or how it happened. All I know, is when I came online I checked the Saddle Creek site. And sure enough, they are in Omaha.
But I swear on my CCR record that I am not going there for that reason. It's actually insanely funny to me that I chose that place, completely oblivious to indie anything.
The one saving grace is that I believe the Faint is from there? Or at least is on Saddle Creek. And, well that's cool.
So it also turns out that the French Kicks are playing in Omaha while I'm there. Only $9, I'm thinking of going. If I can get the other two stooges to come with me. It would at least be somewhat interesting. I kind of like the French Kicks, just not $10+ worth at this point.
Well, here we are. No journal entries til next Tuesday! I'm hoping I'll have like 70 awesome pictures to scan in and show you. It won't happen, but I'm definitely going to look like I'm from "out-of-town".
I have a couple emails I'd like to write, so that's it for now. I have to get up in... 6 and a half hours. Hahaha. Crap.
posted by rachel
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march 19, 2003
I'm back at home, and I'm proud to report that I had a satisfying meal. I have the feeling my eating problem is due to WHAT I have been eating the past few weeks. Spaghetti and meatballs = yum. My sister belching really loudly just now, does not. Yuck.
But I guess I'm going to go... do things.. in my room.. I have no idea what. I'd kind of like to call Kevin and tell him about the single room thing. I don't know if he's home or not, but eh, whatever. No harm in trying. I just have a feeling he's going to be out with friends tonight is all.
I wish I could have told Sarah about being in Ward next term, but she had left already I think. That's okay, I'll surprise her.
Mmm, well, that's it. I might try to go out tonight. Where, I have no clue. I just really have the urge to drive. Tomorrow I definitely have to go out and get money and a few supplies. I guess I could get the supplies tonight, just go to Walgreen's? Yeaaah. Sounds good. Maybe I can even get Sara to go somewhere, even though we're going to be spendinglike 4 days together. Oh well.
Oh yeah, one more thing....
DAYYY AFTER DAYYYY I WILL WALK AND I WILL PLAYYY
BUT THE DAYYY AFTER TODAYYYY I WILL STOP AND I WILL START-
Why can't I get just one kiss?
Why can't I get just one kiss?
Maybe somethings that I wouldn't miss
But I look at your pants and (OW!) I need a kiss!
Why can't I get just one screw?
Why can't I get just one screw?
Believe me I'd know what to do
But something won't let me make love to you
Why can't I get just one fuck?
Why can't I get just one fuck?
Guess it's got something to do with luck
I've been waiting my whole life for just one-
DAYYY AFTER DAYYY I GET ANGRY AND I WILL SAYYY
THAT THE DAYYY IS IN MY SIGHT AND I'LL TAKE A BOWWW AND SAY GOODNIGHT
I have so many more Femmes lyrics I'd love to quote right now. Everybody just grab the nearest VF CD and imagine what they are. Listen to the whole goddamn thing. It's all wonderful, doesn't matter.
Today was an overall crappy day, and this doesn't necessarily make it not crappy. But, it's the one good thing that's happened in.. well, in a while.
I got a phone call just before I got back from my last final from Residence Life. Turns out, I'm first on the waiting list for a single room AND there's one open! Whee! So I'm moving into Ward either during spring break, or on the Sunday we come back. Hopefully the Hall director will just let me come in over break to move my stuff into the other room.
Besides just getting a single room, it's on the second floor of Ward, so it won't be terribly hard on moving, no flights of stairs to run up and down. Well, one. But still.
PLUS, Sarah lives on the second floor. That'll be cool, I'll get to see her all the time probably.
I don't know who else lives in that suite, but I guess it doesn't matter. I can always just hole up in my room to avoid them if I need to :D I'll probably hole up anyhow.
It really sucks though that I got it NOW. Because I've wanted one since freshman year, and it would have been really helpful WHILE Kevin and I were still together. Granted, I did have this room to myself for a while and that was good. But.. yeah. Well, at least now I'll definitely have a single my entire senior year. Good thing.
At least we'll be able to see eachother without having to deal with locked doors and the like.
At the moment, I'm not terribly excited about leaving for spring break. I am looking forward to Nebraska, it's just I'm really depressed about being at home. Not because of my family. Because I'm going to have very little to do once the trip is over, and I'm probably just going to be moping around the house. Kevin is going to be gone probably for an entire week, til we move back.
I have no idea how he feels about it, I mean I guess he'll be glad to get away and everything. And I know he's enjoying whatever freedom he has now. But I'm going to miss him a lot. And I already miss him tons, in a "he's here, but not" kind of way. So, add a "I haven't seen him for a week and a half" type of missing, and you're going to be in for a strange set of journal entries.
Changing topic... On a physiological note, I think I'm fucking up my digestive system more than it already was. I typically don't eat anything in the morning anymore. I didn't today, and luckily my programming teacher had brownies for each of us. So I had a brownie, and I almost thought I was going to throw it up, to be honest. It was a great brownie, it's just now even if I'm starving, I don't have the drive to eat. And if I do eat, afterwards I'll never want to eat again because I'll feel like shit.
Not that anyone cares to hear all this, but it's kind of interesting. If you really knew me, you'd think it was kind of funny too. I'm not the type who just doesn't eat if I'm starving. Or the type who can't finish a meal if I'm starving. But, I can't.
I know, it's just all the stress I've been going through / am going through. But to be honest once again, I'm kind of hoping this doesn't really go away. Well, I hope the fucked-up-digestive system does. But, this whole not eating a lot is probably better than worse. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true.
I'm just kind of waiting for it to be closer to 3pm. My dad's coming to pick me and my things up. And for my RA to get back in her room so I can talk to her about moving and about getting a broom to clean up a bit in here... they're going to make me do it no matter what, I may as well do it now.
I <3 the Violent Femmes. Partly because of the following part. It makes me think about someone. (Why be vague at this point in this particular entry? Because I'm fucking crazy.)
You were born too late,
I was born too late,
And everytime I look at that ugly lake
It reminds me of me
march 18, 2003
I feel weird. Kind of like.. my insides are made of Jell-o and everytime I move it all starts quivering. It's kind of unnerving. I don't think I'm outwardly physically trembling, but I could swear I am inside.
I don't think I want to talk about it anymore.
One more day til spring break. Maybe if I just pretend I'm anxious about that I'll feel more normal.. Hm.
Nothing really new to report. I hate this school for taking my money.
I thought maybe I'd have more to say, but it looks like I was wrong, and I really need to stop typing in here right now, so bye.
march 17, 2003
Spring break is almost upon me. I want it to be. It'll be the first thing in a couple weeks that I've had upon me.. haha. I'm not sexually frustrated. Noooo.
Anyhow, Sara, Nia and I are officially going to Omaha, Nebraska for Spring Break. What was that? Nebraska isn't the cool place to go for Spring Break? Blow it out your ass.
We're going there cause 1) it's not here, 2) it's somewhere else and 3) we can. They have a few interesting things I'd like to see too. There was this one thing I want to see someday, though it's about 7 hours west of Omaha. It's a recreation of Stonehenge made out of...
a bunch of grey cars...
and...
an AMBULANCE. Yes, an ambulance. No I have no idea why. I will go there one day, and I will take pictures and let you see them. That has to be the coolest thing in Nebraska. I want one.
Maybe I can get Kevin to go with me one day, he seemed pretty amused at the idea.
But, I just made the hotel reservations, we are all set in that regard. I can't wait. It'll be the first time I've been out of the state since... umm... hm. Since a while. At least since I've been in college, probably since way before then. Yes, pathetic. But that's all going to change.
Sara's excited, I can only imagine Nia can't wait to get outta here, and my mom is sentimental / slightly annoyed because I'm "growing up". Thanks Mom.
Me? I'm excited. I won't be moping around the house for the whole week and a half. Just for about 5 or 6 days of it. Ha.
Not looking forward to spring term though, my classes are insane and so is my book load. $400+ for books for 4 classes. Yeah, I'm just getting them as I need them, and selling them back. For the two classes that have huge lists anyhow. I also have an initial assignment for one of them that I have to do over spring break. THANKS FOR RUINING MY VACATION FOR ME.
On a more positive note, I ripped my Personality final a new one. I studied hard for that test, memorizing tons of shit. And it paid off, I'm shocked. I knew just about everything on the test, there was one or two questions that I wasn't sure about. But we get to skip one item in each section, so I avoided one of the two questions. The other one I sort of knew, but wasn't sure about. It doesn't matter.
The important thing is I at least got a B (I'm positive of it) and that should bring up that F I got on the last test. Two B's and an F, what does that average out to? A C? Maybe. 4.0 scale, B's are 3.0's. F is... nothing.0. Right? So, 6.0 divided by 3... 2.0... which is a C. Yes.
Of course, that's not factoring in my journals and paper. I forget what I got on my paper.
I have one more final Wednesday, and then that's it. WHEE! And it's my programming class, that's not too bad.
Work tomorrow, most likely hanging out with Kevin after work, everything is as good as it's going to get right now. That means I have the downward spiral to look forward to. Eek.
I guess I'll fuck around for a while before bed. Everyone have good spring breaks, if you get one.
march 13, 2003
I know I haven't written an entry in here in a while. For one thing, the end of the term has been busy. For another, it's been painful. And I really don't like writing about all the painful stuff that happens to me in here anymore.
Let's just say, my mornings have gone back to being difficult. Very difficult. That whole thing about being asleep, forgetting your problems, and then waking up and it's like it happens all over again.
In any case, life has not been fun lately. It seems like everything that can go wrong, has. Even today, I went to go pay my traffic ticket in Wheaton, and goddammit, the fire alarm went off while I was waiting in line. So I have to go back this afternoon. And I have a lot of finals-shit to do today.
I have a feeling life is going to be hard for quite a while this time. But I'm not a lost cause just yet. No matter what happens to me, I always end up with some tiny bead of hope and faith stuck in my gut. Maybe that's just me being naive.
No, you know what? It's not. I'm so FUCKING sick of people seeing me as this naive, stupid, illogical, irrational girl. What the FUCK. I'm not naive, I'm not a goddamn idiot, and my powers of logic are buffer than your mom. I am unfortunately aware of entirely too much of what goes on around me. Sure, the way I act sometimes, you'd never know it. But there are so many factors that go into how I behave, so many details. I have to consider the consequences of everything.
I have a bead of hope in my gut because 1) there's always hope left in the world and 2) my logic is telling me that it's ridiculous to assume things are going to work out for the worst, considering certain factors and actions and thoughts from the past and present. My bead of hope is shiny, pure and clean. It isn't stained by foolish disregard for reality, denial of my/other people's feelings or anything else like that. I'm not hurting anyone with it.
I think that bead is the one untouched, real thing I have left inside me. Everything else has been influenced, biased, corrupted, shaped, kicked, squeezed, cradled or otherwise affected.
I wasn't intending on ranting in here, but lo and behold, I have.
I don't know what I'm doing for Spring Break, I just know that I want to go somewhere, at least for a couple of days. I wish I would be doing that with Kevin, but then again, neither of us really knows where we want to go, we're just going along with whatever other people want. It's going to be really hard. Everything's going to be really hard. And I have a lot more "hard" to go through before I get to the good stuff.
Like it used to say in my profile, "There are the good things, and then there are the hard things you have to do to get to the good things". Or, something like that. I have one big hard thing I have to do, but if I can do it, it can get me to one huge really really good thing. So, I suppose it's worth it. I wish there was a shortcut. I need a time machine. Maybe I'll check out Ebay for time machines. Heh.
I really think a pizza is in order. If not tonight, tomorrow night. Come on Kevin, you love pizza nights. You've owed me one since like, last week. I'm willing to give up doing homework for a couple hours.