april 30, 2003
I'm all done with homework tonight. I'm happy. Now I get to start worrying about homework for Thursday and Friday. Yay.
You know what I like? Writing songs that I think are at least somewhat good. Like, I'll be practicing them and there's just this one part of the song that sounds soooo right and I'm so proud of myself for it. I think I need to branch out a bit more in regards to the notes I'm using, but that can come in time. Hell, I just used an E7 in my newest one...
I try to keep track of what I consider my best songs to be. I think I counted 6 today. Well, if I fix a couple others, maybe 7 or 8.
I think once I can start messing around with my electric at home, I may add another to that total. I need to experiment with my electronic possibilities, which I don't get to do a whole lot when I'm here. Though I do have that drum machine program. I love that thing. I need to play with it more.
But this summer I really really really want to do super-fucking-good recordings of all the songs. I have a couple of recordings, but they aren't super-fucking-good. And maybe I'll be able to do them better once we convert the basement into a practice room. Plus, maybe I can actually get my sister to play some drums for me. Otherwise I'd have to rely on my program. If I had a laptop, I'd totally be able to bring that into the practice room to use my drum machine program. Otherwise I'll have to deal with extra shit.
Then... once I have things recorded... then I can make a new plan. I don't know what exactly. I've had things I've talked about in the past. Such as leaving demo tapes at record stores, like I've seen people do. At least creating a new mp3.com page. Maybe the first thing to do would just be to let friends listen to it and tell me what they think. Like, really what they think.
I don't know. It's all up in the air right now, I mean I haven't even got one song recorded well yet. But soon. Soooon I will. Because I have to. It's just... I don't really know how to explain it. Hm. This is interesting. Well, I think it says enough to explain it through the fact that music is really important to me.
I also think I'd really like to learn the blues style. I love musicians who have that kind of bluesy-country-rock sound to them. Such good shit. White Stripes. Liz Janes. CCR. All totally different sounds, yet they have this common mix of styles, just in different degrees. I saw the White Stripes on Conan earlier today. Jack White fucking played the hell out of his guitar. Fuck. Like, I just sat there swearing at the TV. In a good way, though. Is it at all attractive for a girl to swear like a sailor? I have no clue. Not like it's going to stop me, I'm just curious.
I swear for good and bad things though. Like, if I have this really crazy dream, that's really kind of good but sticks in my head and I keep thinking about it... yeah Nia, remember? "Fuck. FUCK. Fuck fuck fuck. Goddammit." Hehe that was an interesting day in Omaha.
Speaking of dreams, I should get to sleep. I wonder what my brain has in store for me tonight. Probably more dreams like last night. Do you believe it? Okay, let me quickly say this. I had a dream last night with this person in it, and they came to my house and I think I was supposed to go out with them or something. Well, I'm fucking running around my house looking for my other shoe, making them wait.I don't think I ever found the damn thing and I never got to see what would have happened had I said "fuck it, let's go". And when I woke up, I was like, "IT WAS A DREAM, WHAT DID I NEED MY SHOES FOR?? GODDAMMIT!" Haha. I need to start working on my lucid dreaming again.
Anyway, let's try this again. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
posted by rachel
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april 29, 2003
Sarah sent me a Yahoo Greeting with this as the image...
Hehe she sent it cause it totally looks like us... it's quite funny how accurate it is :) She's got the short blond hair, and I've got the longer darker hair (that does tend to curl up in that fashion when it's down). Haha, I just smile and giggle everytime I look at it. So I thought I'd share.
That's it from me tonight, I'm going to do a bit more reading and then sleeeep. Cause I was so tired today. Mondays just take it all out of me, seriously. But I've been in a relatively stable mood lately, so that's good. Despite any crazy done-out-of-exhaustion posts :) And even those have a positive tone, they're just funny as all hell. Oh well! I'm done.
posted by rachel
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april 28, 2003
Here's a quick little post, since I got out of my first class early. Our teacher wasn't there, we just had to answer questions in groups about Crime and Punishment. WHICH I FINISHED LAST NIGHT, DAMN STRAIGHT. I'm proud of myself. That's such a fucked up book though. It made me feel crazy.
In other news, I am fucking crazy! Haha. I don't know, I'm just a fucking weirdo and I need to talk to Sara about it. I needed to last night, but it was so late. I know what she's going to tell me, I already know my friends' solution to this. But, I have this desire to talk about it anyhow. Whee.
Sara might see if she can set me up with a job at the place she used to work, where her brother now works. Sweet. They pay great, and although I'd rather it wasn't full time, if it has to be then it doesn't matter. If I can't get a job somewhere else, I'll just have to take it. And it would just be clerical things so that's not bad.
Why am I talking about all this stupid crap! Haha. I don't know how anyone puts up with my journal entries, seriously. Maybe if I'm lucky, Sara will come up here sometime this week. Otherwise, I'll just talk her ear off on the phone. Ahhhh more talking about stupid detail crap.
I.. need to get a grip and go to my next class. It's funny, I'm typing like I'm just bouncing off the walls, but to be honest (MEEEP!) I am so god damn tired! I was up a little late last night.
Sorry for the out-of-nowhere "meep". From now on, I'm going to have a fucking red flag go off in my head everytime anyone (mostly I) say the words honest, honestly, confession, etc. I was just thinking about those words last night, that's all. You know, you get an abstract idea in your head and you just run with it?
But yeah. I have class. In which, I will fall asleep. Then I will work. Then home for food, Sarah-time, maybe a nap and homework. These are my days, seee how boring? Well, maybe not boring as... predictable. P.S. the nap won't happen, I'm an idiot.
posted by rachel
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april 26, 2003
Rachels storm: OMG WE'RE BOTH ONLINE AND IN THE SAME HOUSE! LOL!! AHAHHA
stimpson15: haha!
stimpson15: you weirdo
Rachels storm: no youuuu weirdo
I'm at home, leave a message at my starryeyedha s/n, email me or call me. Or email me. Because I like emails. That's why I say it twice.
A little advice: Don't eat at Olive Garden unless you 1) have a nice wad of money, and/or 2) are really really hungry. Yeah. Lot of food. Blergh.
posted by rachel
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april 25, 2003
Uggh I am so tired. Why in the world do I let myself stay up so late? I just end up doing weird things.. like the new webcam pictures.. although, I did get a new icon for livejournal and AIM. I was overdue, and I had a nice little picture from Easter Sunday when I made a Dunkin Donuts run before going to my Aunt's house.
Tired, and I have to pick up my timecard.. ohh, shit. Okay, here's the thing. I have to try and remember what hours I worked in the past two weeks so that I don't have to deal with trying to get back into the art center this weekend. I'll figure it out while I'm working for the next two hours. Hm.
But, I am very excited about tonight. I decided to bring both my cameras, so I have some actual physical pictures. I like having those because I can cover my room in them. And I like having pictures of my friends up, because it reminds me that I'm not truly alone.
I kind of miss getting to talk to certain people online, seeing as I'm always away now. Either with Sarah, or reading or working or something.
Reading Crime and Punishment makes me feel a little crazy, so I apologize for my lack of organization in my thoughts. I need to finish that book. So I can stop feeling crazy. Raskolnikov's speeches and inner monologues kind of suck me in. Maybe I'm just all too familiar with that feeling of being on the edge...
There's this song I've recently been obsessing over, by a band called Murder By Death. No, I'm not joking. They used to have a different name.. and I was all prepared for them to suck, because usually when I listen to a band based on them having a cool name, they do suck. But this one song they have, called I'm Afraid of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf.. it's in my head constantly. You'd have to hear it (which you can, @ http://www.eyeballrecords.com/multimedia.html).
It's very layered. I have two songs, and they use a cello and I think maybe a violin in one of the songs.. well, in any case, it's pretty good. I like the singer's voice too, and that's usually pretty important to me. But even just the rhythm and layering of instruments hooks me. I think the production of the songs could have been a little better, or at least different. The vocals need to be louder or clearer or something.
I just can't believe how energetic I was last night. I could have stayed up all night, I swear. So weird. Although I'm sure Nia would have a theory if I told her all about my day yesterday. Haha. She has a point, I'm just not sure what to make of how I feel about that point.
I kind of hate how my feelings can ebb and flow. And when I say my feelings, I mean how I feel regarding just about anything. I realize that there is an unmistakable truth to how I feel about any given subject, but sometimes it's hard to figure out what that truth is when things keep going back and forth. There are only a few things or people that I know that truth about.
I guess it's always good to question your feelings, because confronting the chance that you're lying to yourself can only benefit you. If you are, then you realize it and can move on from there. If you're not, your feelings are only strengthened and you feel much better about it.
Not to say that knowing your true feelings will bring you blissful happiness, or take away all of your pain. If it did, it wouldn't be so hard to confront yourself. I know, because I've asked myself time and time again if I'm lying to myself about how I feel on one specific subject. And the answer is always no. As a result, I've had to accept the pain that comes along with that. No doubt there's joy as well, but.. as the cliche goes, this particular subject brings both joy and pain.
I just have to learn to make it a part of my life, I suppose. Not let it disrupt everything else I'm striving for. Not let it interrupt my thoughts and concentration. Because all I have to control is myself, and I think I live better when I accept both the truth of it all and the fact that I have to control myself regarding that truth. I have felt guilty in a way for suppressing some of the wild emotions and expressions that try to force their way out. But, I'm also assimilating the idea that there is true feeling inside despite the control. That control doesn't make the feeling disappear. If it did, there would be no need for control.
But I think I'm going around in circles, and should leave this for another day.
posted by rachel
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Hahahaha...
http://www.industrialbeauty.com/webcam.html
I'm retarded.
posted by rachel
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SO! Tomorrow night is going to be rad. Rad, I tell you.
Sara had called me the other night, and she wanted to go to this coffeehouse around here, Fat Bean, because they have an open mic on Fridays. So, we set up some plans for that. I told downthehall Sarah, and invited her along if she could.
So today, Sarah said "Yes! I can go" and Sara said "I have to work and don't want to drive that much, but okay we're still on cause you're stubborn and bossy". Well, she didn't say that. But I'm sure she was thinking it :)
And it's going to be fun. Cause the two Sara's are going to meet and I think that may initiate Armageddon, but it will be fun. We're hitting up an open mic, and Sarah even has a poem she wants to read. And I'm going to take digital pictures because there's this requirement for her poetry class to do a public reading. Plus I like pictures. Pictures pictures pictures.
Might go home Saturday for a job-search. Lots of reading and homework to do, but it'll get done eventually. Rock. I have emails I want to write, so this is it from me.
And yes, yes... I am manic-depressive. Well... not really. But I'm sure it seems like it. In one day I have ran the gammut of emotions from utter depression to giddiness. This can not be normal.
I'm gonna fight 'em off
A seven nation army couldn't hold me back.
posted by rachel
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april 24, 2003
Lonely. Not going to post from my other journal. No point. Fuck you.
posted by rachel
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april 22, 2003
In one of the communities I stuck in my friends list (an occult one or something) someone posted an email a friend had sent them. Apparently, someone on a train had told her the forces of chaos were out to get Wiccans this week. So, someone responded with:
The forces of chaos aren't out to get wiccans this week.
They are out to get everybody.
And I'm sitting there thinking, "This WEEK? Try the entire past month"
I don't really know what to make of it, I can't take anything those types of people say too seriously. However, I'm not one to cast aside all claims of that nature. When you still have some sort of belief in fate, it's hard not to consider the possibility of certain forces acting out at particular times. Let's just live up to the phrase "take it with a grain of salt".
I'm so tired already. Bah. I have my class in about 40 minutes and have already freshened my memory regarding the discussion I have to lead today. I still feel very.. stressed, I suppose. On one hand, I keep thinking "This shouldn't be happening, I can't believe this is happening" etc. But on the other hand, I keep reminding myself that a month and a half ago the whole purpose of Kevin and I being apart was for him to go out and experience other things. And, well, he is. It had to happen. I just wasn't prepared for it to be so soon, and I wasn't prepared for all the feelings that would come along with it.
I've said it before, I'm just scared. Plus, when you know someone so well and when they're so important to you, their absence really takes its toll. And I think I'm not the only one feeling that regarding him. In fact, I'm sure I'm not.
I really am scared though, scared of things not working out the way I want them to. Scared that I'll never see him again after all this. That he'll never want a serious relationship or want it with someone else. I'm not surprised that I'm afraid of that, and it's completely normal and natural to feel that way.
But, let's move on to other subjects. I'm actually a tad excited about the subjects I'm going to get to write about in the future. I have a topic for my final paper in my Seminar class, it's going to be on the psychanalytic perspective of revenge violence, specifically violence done to women by men. And how violence to women becomes revenge through this perspective. And, even going so far as to discuss what psychanalysis suggests for solutions or ways of dealing with this violence.
I'm also doing a book report on an interesting book of Freud's, called Beyond the Pleasure Principle. The reason it's so interesting is that it's a later book of his, and he kind of modifies his theories on drives in it. And I'm not a huge fan of his cut and dry "sex and aggression" drive theory, so this should be good for me.
I can't wait to get my friends together to go bowling. I just think it would be a really fun time. Plus, I really do want Sara and Nia to meet Sarah.
Ugh, 4th week. Only 6 more weeks or so left. About 12 more days til I get to see Kevin. Granted, he won't be here for long. But, I'm looking forward to it nonetheless. Anything is better than nothing.
I guess that's all from me for now. Hell, it's plenty! I don't know how I always have so much to write about in here. Granted I do tend to repeat myself a bit.. but yeah. I guess it's all the complex emotions going on inside that prompts me to just write and write and write until I get sick of it. Even if I'm writing about other things in my head, at least it's making a bit of room in here. Let's face it, my head has been a little crowded these days and I always need to cram more stuff in there.
Oh, I do have a few pictures from Easter weekend. Nothing fascinating, just a few interesting pictures. I'll get them set up, maybe tonight. I have art dept website stuff to do tonight too, so yeah. Always something, eh? I also need to call Sara tonight, she left me a message last night and I promised I'd call her today since I was kind of in bed when she left the message. Okay okay that's it. No more typing.
posted by rachel
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Man. What a day.
I talked to Kevin online today, which I was a little emotional about. You know, getting to have an actual conversation with him as opposed to an email. I can't wait to see him in May.
Then, there was some other shit going down with a friend of Sarah's. There's really no need for me to get into what it was. It just sucks that she has so much stuff going on right now. And most of it isn't directly happening to her, it's her friends. The problem is that it's alll happening at the same time. Somehow she's staying sane about it, I have to give her credit for that.
I did get some reading done, and I feel good about that. I hate it when I just sit around reading or watching TV or ruminating about whatever new drama is going on, and then it hits me, "Hey, I had (insert homework) to do. Shit."
I'm thinking, Sara Nia and I need a bit of a drinking night again. Maybe not too soon, but before the end of the term. I could invite Sarah to come along if she'd like to, it would at least help to get her mind off of any stressful things going on. Hell, that's why I want it.
Crap crap crap. The most difficult situations are ones in which you're totally affected by everything, and it makes you miserable and stressed out, but you can't do anything about it. You can't change what happened, you can't fix everything and make it magically better, and you can't change how people feel about you. I think Sarah would totally agree with me on this, she's feeling that.
Mmph. "The Right Thing". I'm under the impression (however naive) that there is always a right thing to do, a right action to take. The thing that will help you along to "Happy", the thing that will make any current pain less sharp. The thing that will basically cushion and guide you along the path to What You Want. I have not found that thing.
I have found a few things that make me happy, though. A few people in this world that I genuinely enjoy being around. People I care about, even love. But it's hard to have that knowledge when you can't always have those things that make you happy. It's hard to find your way back to them when you get so lost.
I am lost and looking for a pair of open arms to guide me back home to a heart that loves me and always will.
posted by rachel
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april 21, 2003
I am really fucking bored right now. I don't really want to go to sleep, and I don't really want to start another week all over again, but I also don't really have a choice.
I have so many issues to deal with. They're just piling up. I don't want to talk about them right now, because they're extremely personal. Plus,.. how to explain this. They're kind of stupid to say. If I said them, people would have pre-memorized lines to say in response and I hate that. Just because they're common issues doesn't make it okay to give mindless advice.
Besides those things though, I keep going back and forth about school. Like, what am I doing after I graduate? And how is what I'm doing here going to help that? And how can I even create a connection between classes and careers when I don't know exactly what I'm going to be doing? Not that I don't know what I want necessarily. I just have a lot of options. I know that I want to really devote my time to developing my music, so in order to have that luxury I'm going to have to find a good, enjoyable job to support myself. I can work in a library, I can work as a counselor or something along that line, I can.. hell, I could assist a web design company maybe. I like having options. Because I can adapt easily.
That's really important to me. Because then if I want to up and move to a different state (or different country for that matter), I can without feeling like I have to completely change my life. Or, if I work in one area too long and start to get restless, I can get a job in a different area and feel that sense of excitement again.
But, like many other people, I have a hard time being motivated. I've never really been that ambitious I guess. And maybe that does tie in to some of my other issues, in the sense that I look at myself differently than I look at the rest of the world. I see other people as normal people who experience normal things. I see myself as "the other", as the odd one out who doesn't do the things normal people do, who doesn't.. I guess the word normal isn't right.
Let's put it this way. I see myself as bad. I have an image of good, but I can never live up to it. Good is having something you do well that gets you somewhere in life, being attractive, having fairly consistent behavior, not worrying about what other people are thinking all the time, saying the right things, being social, being healthy,.. there's a list. Not a physical, tangible list. But some sort of list that I've formed an image with. And.. like I said, I can never live up to it. No one really can, but by forcing myself into the role of "the seer", the observer, I see other people as that good image. Or I at least see parts of it in them and it bothers me. There's a conflict. Like, "This person can do that, why can't you?"
So I guess I rationalize it, and say, "You're bad, that's why. You're not normal. You will be miserable until you can act normal."
At least that's how I'm thinking about it right now. See, even just outlining the basics of it sounds stupid to me. I know it's wrong to create an unattainable ideal to compare myself to. I'm a goddamn psych major, I know this is not a good thing and that it's stupid to think that just because I don't see myself as a normal or good person, that no one else does either.
It's weird. I guess I do see myself as some sort of deformed person. Not normal. I'm always surprised when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror, or in a picture, and for a second I look normal. By that, I think I mean... I look like someone else. For a second I don't see me, I see a girl. I desperately try to look at myself as if I've never seen me before. But... it's as impossible as it sounds. It's fleeting. Maybe it doesn't even really exist.
I keep thinking of how many times I've told other people, "There is no normal". How can I say that and yet think the things I think? I'm being a goddamn hypocrite. Clearly, I somehow believe that there is, what kind of person am I for saying it doesn't exist when I expect myself to live up to it?
This is a lot to ponder in one night. And I've been thinking way too much this entire weekend.
I really wish a certain person was here, and that I had someone to sleep next to so I could feel like there's still something good in the world. I guess that's another thing I notice every single day. How fucked up our world is.
But, here goes 4th week. One day at a time. Because that's the only way to deal with this.
april 20, 2003
Saturday, April 19th, 2003: I found new meaning in the phrase "raging hormones". Yikes.
So I apologize for my very moody post. But, it is kind of funny in retrospect. I think driving around all day dealing with stupid drivers and crowded parking lots didn't really help matters much. That was some crazy shit.
The rest of the day was spent in pajamas watching TV and/or playing monopoly. My sister forfeited the game at like 12:30am.
Man, my allergies are kicking my ass.
P.S. I like hard boiled eggs.
april 19, 2003
This is me, pointing a gun to my head.
There will probably be no pictures. Bite me.
I am in a terrible mood today.
If I ever have to see anyone from high school with their (I'm assuming) significant other again, HEADS ARE GOING TO ROLL, PEOPLE. ROLLLLLL
In fact, heads might roll anyhow just because it sounds like a fucking brilliant idea.
Headline: Angry menstruating female with the worst luck ever massacres an entire county. Heads roll for miles. Details on pg 15.
ERRGH and of course, my other s/n isn't online anymore. Fucking hell, I get kicked off after one lousy day. I hate the internet.
I hate the internet so much, that I am getting off of it right now. I am going to go upstairs, sandwich my head between my two pillows, and see if I suffocate before Easter. I'll apologize in advance since I'm a goddamn pussy and couldn't really pull it off, no matter what I say. Ha.
Yeah, so whatever. Easter. Pff. Here I go to waste the rest of the day.
So, it's 2:30 in the morning here at the Hoover house. Sara just left about a half hour ago. We had a fun night. Barnes and Noble for books for school, IHOP for late night food, playing Xbox games and watching the end of Pet Sematary.
It sometimes sucks going to familiar places around here.. because I think about times when Kevin and I have gone here or there, things that happened at those places, etc. I feel like I want to say something more about my thoughts and emotions, but on the other hand it's private. And let's face it, this journal is anything but private. I think that's why I keep saying I miss him so many times. Because there are certain special details that are only for me and/or him to know.
But I am so tired right now. I just want to go to sleep. Tomorrow I plan on going to Kohl's for some summer clothes (since they're having a big sale), and then maybe out to get something for my family for Easter. I feel like a bum not getting them SOMETHING. Maybe I'm not as enthusiastic about Easter as I used to be when I was younger, but that doesn't mean I can't spend a bit of money on something nice for my family.
But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can't hear me
When I say softly, slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
I just had that song in my head for no reason. I don't really know where it came from, I didn't hear it today or anything. Hm.
I gotta go to bed. I'm just sitting here staring at the screen wondering, "If I even could type and explain what I'm thinking, should I?" I guess these are the things people like me have to think about sometimes. But I don't even think my mind is expressable at this point, so no need to worry about the shoulds.
april 18, 2003
That's the way that I wanted to stay
And I always wanted to be that way
For my Lola
La la la-la Lola
Anyways. It's Easter weekend. I'm going home at about 2pm today, so for anyone who reads this and wants to get a hold of me, here's how it's going to work.
1) I'm leaving my instant messenger up here at school (however long THAT will last...) but under the screenname: starryeyedha
2) My cell phone number will be where it usually is, just for that name. I think it might still be in my livejournal profile too..
3) email @ rachel@industrialbeauty.com
4) call my house if you have the number (which I think like two people in the world have)
With that said, I really can't think of much else to say. Today was a short day. I was up a tad late last night though. I went to visit Sarah at Ward's front desk at around 10 or so, hung out there for the rest of her shift, and then we watched TNT in her room. They were playing A Perfect Murder. It's an okay movie. Michael Dougl-- oh, wait, I was going to give away the ending. Hm.
But yeah, that ended at around 1am. Sarah lent me a copy of Bless the Child, she thinks I might like it. She brought it up because I had been talking about this special on Waco that was on TV while I was cleaning my room.
Oh, that reminds me of something odd that happened in class today. See, I was cleaning instead of reading an anarchist essay (I didn't get far enough to notice the whole anarcy part or I would have read the whole damn thing). Anyhow, a girl in my class said she was kind of shocked reading the essay. She was surprised and kind of put off by all the talk of god being made by man rather than the other way around.
Now... imagine me sitting there listening to this. I'm sure I had the strangest, funniest look on my face. Leaning forward, one eyebrow raised, mouth open in an attempt to comprehend what she just said. I couldn't believe it. It was as if she had never heard or read anything related to anarchy in her life! What the hell?
Of course, upon reflection, I considered the fact that I had done my time in the punk music scene. Er, genre. I'm never in "scenes". But, I mean you listen to enough punk (I'm not going to get into defining that right now) you get the gist (jist? ghhhjist?) of anarchy and all that. Granted it's not all genius philosophical stuff, but.. you get it. And plus, I'm much more comfortable reading anarchist literature than Christian literature for personal reasons. So... I still think she's a little weird and a little sheltered, but I guess I'm a special case.
Cue "Soon We'll Be Done" by Liz Janes on Winamp... yeah. Very religious song, and here I am talking about anarchy and how it suits me better than religion. But I LOVE this song, regardless of lyrics. It's perdy.
I'm considering mentioning something about my feelings on Blackboard. But I'm going to disguise it as a personal view on anarchist personality because someone mentioned that they just seem bitter and angry. I think it was sheltered-Christian-girl.
Haha. I have no idea what that girl's name is, but from now on... it's going to be my stereotype of her. Yeeeeeay.
Goddamn. I don't care how much of an atheist you are, if you love good music and good vocalists particularly... just listen to this song. The last line... her runs on the word 'home' in the line... she... powerful.. yeah. Gives me chills sometimes.
Anyhow, I have... shit.. to not do. Until 2pm. I plan on taking pictures while I'm at home. Slideshow: Easter Weekend. It's going to be boring, but maybe I can get a few neat pictures. If I'm feeling extra bold I'll take pictures of my family. Haha. HAHAHA. Sorry, the thought of my family just tickles my funny bone. What the fuck.
Yeah, we'll see guys. I'll at least have some pictures of my sister dying eggs as if she were performing brain surgery. Maybe I'll force her to make mad scientist faces. She'll never do it... sigh. Everyone needs to just play along with me! Just humor me! Sure it's stupid embarrassing crap, but what the hell else is going to entertain the internet generation?? Or me, for that matter. Humph.
april 17, 2003
HAHA OH CRAP
I was watching SNL reruns on Comedy Central and I SAW THE FUNNIEST DAMN THING EVER! I swear on my own life, Dave Attell made a cameo in the audience during the monologue... and he had HAIR! Hahaha wow. I was staring at him, like "Who the hell is that... he looks familiar..." and then the guy spoke and I practically bust. It HAD to be him. There's no way it wasn't.
Anyhow, just thought I'd share. I'm enjoying my first weekday that I got to actually sleep in! Yay!
I vacuumed out my head
Jumping from bed to bed my name is Gretel
A soul of metal...
Work soon. Ditching the Art Club meeting to take digital photos.
april 16, 2003
I think yogurt is one of those few things my stomach can handle really well in the morning. It's creamy and fruity and it doesn't make my digestive system feel like there's a tiny man inside trying to rip his way out with a tiny knife.
I heard from Kevin in an email yesterday! That makes me happy. He said he'd try to call me soon. Uh oh, I lied about that yogurt. Ouch.
But yes, he says he's fine.
My room is such a mess. I can't stand it, but I don't have time to clean it. Sarah and I were trying to fix this lockermate shelf thing last night. I just don't think it can be fixed.. it's a piece of crap from Office Max.
I'm in an odd mood this morning. I had this really odd dream last night. It was one of those where you are so absolutely sure that it's reality. Because when the dream was going on, I was thinking about whether I should post the happenings in here. Ha.
I gotta run to class though. It's going to be a long day. Ick.
april 15, 2003
I'm seriously struggling with my first program for my Web Programming class. And I decided, now is just not the time for this class. I have 4 classes this term, 3 of them honors courses. I'm just not ready to take this class. Besides, I plan on taking online courses in web design after I graduate anyhow. Javascript and all that will be covered.
The fact is, I just can't do this right now. And I feel kind of shitty for saying I could do it when I really didn't know. But, I have it all planned out. And I feel so relieved right now thinking about not having to deal with that class anymore. Because I have a LOT to do this week, and I just don't have time for everything.
I'm seeing my advisor tomorrow morning anyhow, so here's the plan. Get an add/drop slip from Old Main, see my advisor and tell her my plan, get my schedule for next year set, go to Residence Life and give them my housing deposit, then go back to my room, email my professor and do homework. Then, go to my class at 2, and come back here and do the rest of my homework and relax.
There is just too much crap going on right now for me to deal with 4 classes, one of them a class I don't really NEED to take right now.
I miss Kevin an incredible amount, and I'm crossing my fingers that things don't get more complicated than they already are for him. Let's just say there are a couple nutballs running around that Sarah and I would like to beat the crap out of. We've totally got his back, though.
So now, I'm going to relax and watch TV, then go to bed cause I have to get up early tomorrow. <3 <3
april 14, 2003
So finally, there is word from Kevin. He called Sarah today, and attempted to catch me online (but I wasn't on). Everything's fine, and he said they might come back earlier than May if they run out of money.
I did feel some sort of relief just knowing he was okay. Just knowing he did try to contact me. And that he contacted Sarah. And that he told her to tell me he was thinking about me too.
So with the stress of not knowing gone, I'm just missing him right now. I hope I get to talk to him soon, online. Granted I would love to just hear his voice again, but I know that he can't necessarily afford to call everyone he'd want to call.
I swear, when he comes back I'm probably going to hug him so tight he won't be able to breathe.
I have to calm down a bit, from being excited at hearing from him, though second hand.
My weekend was alright. I got to hang out with Sara two days in a row. I got to eat normal meals with my family. I dug out my sandals and went sockless for the day. I probably won't tomorrow, since I have all that walking to do and shoes are just so much better for that. But maybe I'll take a quick shower and go sockless for the rest of the day, just because I enjoy it. My toes feel free. Plus it airs your feet out, and that's a plus.
I bought Sara a little statue at Michaels and gave it to her when we went to get coffee. I knew she'd like it, it's a little statue of an angel with no pupils and a rose in its hand. She loves that kind of stuff. It's wings were really detailed too. She was so happy when I gave it to her, and that makes me happy. I love giving people stuff. One of my more positive traits.
I have a lot of shit to do this week. I have to bring money to Residence Life for next year, go see my advisor Tuesday morning, do some website work (that's every week, but I have to figure out WHAT work to do this week...) and.. I have a paper to write and a program to write. Oh, and I'm a discussion leader for Thursdays IDS490 class, I believe. Well, one of four. That's kind of good. It'll be Violence and Gender day. Fun fun fun.
I also may or may not go to the Student Employee lunch on Thursday. I usually don't, people think I'm retarded for it. But I just don't enjoy those kinds of things, I like smaller social events.
So yes. I can't wait to see Kevin when he comes back. I miss him tons. I know I've said that like 500 times already but it's one of the main thoughts in my head. So be prepared for 500 more.
Oh yeah, and Easter weekend is coming up this week. FUN. Not that Easter is particularly great, I mean it's nice and I enjoy being with my family. But the GREAT part is that for once, I actually get two days off from work because of it! I work Fridays and Saturdays this term, and after 12 on Friday, the college is closed. YES! Granted, that's four hours less on my check, but eh. I'll make up for it maybe. So after Wednesday this week, NO MORE WORK TIL NEXT MONDAY! WHOO!
I'm gonna get started on that bed thing.
april 11, 2003
Sorry I haven't written for a few days. You know how it is.
To be quite honest, if you're at all concerned about me, fucking call me or email me or something instead of being sneaky and reading my journal. It's not going to tell you everything anyhow, I decided on that a while ago.
Let's see, news.. well, I saw Spirited Away today with Michelle. I was surprised, I actually liked it. The scenes were beautifully drawn. I'm not an anime / japanese cartoon type of person, but the movie is interesting enough.
What else. OH, major thing. You know how I complain about my back hurting? Well, Tuesday I skipped classes to 1) go to the Wellness Center and 2) go home and see my family doctor. Result? A bottle of Naproxen, a sheet of back exercises and a lot less pain.
See, Monday night I hurt my back badly after trying to clean up a collision between some orange juice and my wireless keyboard. The keyboard didn't make it. This OJ was found guilty and sentenced to life in a pink garbage bag.
So, I hurt my back really bad and was in blinding pain and almost could NOT get up off my bed after lying down to try and calm the pain. I found myself wishing Kevin was here, because I was really freaked out about the whole thing. As we all know, wishing doesn't help whatsoever. So I suffered by myself. And the pain was less by the time I woke up, but I was tired of going through this shit so I did the all day nurse/doctor visits thing.
Oh, and my doctor nearly killed me when she was testing the movement of my legs and how it affected my back pain. I can't explain it here, it's a very visual thing. I can't even explain it well on the phone.
I also received my Babes In Toyland CD, my My Ruin CD, and my White Stripes CD. YAY! New White Stripes! I adore Seven Nation Army. The last song is pretty fun, too.
Anything else new? Um, not really. Planning classes for next year. MY LAST YEAR. Damn right.
Uh, oh yeah. And I need to sleep. It's late. Tomorrow's Friday. I'm looking for ways to distract myself this weekend. One of them involving going home Saturday. I'm a worrier and a fool, and someday I'll cross rivers for you.
GRETEL SAID, "I KNOW WHAT'S IN YOUR HEAD"
I VACUUMED OUT MY HEAD
I KNOW YOU'RE FEELING BAD YOU FUCKING BITCH
YOU CUNTHOLE BITCH
I just like saying, "you fucking bitch, you cunthole bitch". Wait, scratch that. Screaming it. It's fantastic. I love this riot grrl crap. I'm going to bed so visions of desire can dance in my head; I can wake up and groan and repress it again.
april 6, 2003
Today has been weird. Well, to be fair, the past week has been entirely too weird and dramatic for my taste, but today was the cherry on top of the "what the hell just happened" sundae.
I'm going to try to be somewhat brief and objective about this, I don't want to go on and on about it. Basically, today Kevin left. Apparently he woke up this morning, was late for work, had been thinking about just running away to live his life and decided to do it. He's been saying he wanted to for a long long time, and he just did. Beyond that, the girl he's been seeing went with him. Yeah.
So he's gone, at least for now. He doesn't really know where he's going. But, he said he'd call when he got where he was going. He stopped by the dorms today to pick up things and I asked him if I could see him before he left. So he came over and we talked and everything. It was really really hard. The transition from relationship to friendship was hard enough as it is, and now throw in the transition from him being here, to him being somewhere else.
I've been hanging out with my friend Sarah who lives down the hall all day. Well, since I found out. She's been very helpful and she's really one of the greatest friends I've found here. I was extremely upset earlier today. I couldn't stop crying for a while. I cried when Kevin came over, I cried harder when he left. I cried while I was talking to Sarah. I think I've gotten to the 'calm melancholy' stage.
I don't really know what's going to happen now. Kevin is supposed to call me when he gets wherever, so that's good. And I really hope we're going to keep in touch through all of this. I think I'm still in a bit of shock. It's just hard to imagine that he's gone.
It's... all very surreal. Like I said, I don't know what's going to happen. No one does. No one can tell how all of this is going to end up.
One thing that I want to say; Many many times Kevin wanted me to run away with him. I always said no. Because I had school and work and responsibilities. I don't think he'll ever know how badly I wanted to say yes. And when he came over here, he said, "You know, I always wanted you to come with me." But instead, she's going with him. That's really twisting the knife. Yes, maybe I did lose my chance.
But I have said that after graduation, I'd go anywhere. It doesn't matter to me. But, he was impatient and restless. I valued someday having a college degree. Kevin didn't care at all about it.
All I know is that no matter what he does, he's always going to be one of the most important people in the world to me. Maybe he doesn't understand that. Maybe he feels guilty or unworthy of that status. I don't know.
But I'm going to miss him terribly. And I hope he finds what he's looking for. Or if he doesn't, I hope he has enough sense to do the right thing. I know wherever he ends up, I'm going to try to visit him during the summer. And I hope he'll come and visit whenever he can. And I hope he'll keep in touch with me and let me know how things are, since we did agree to do that when we broke up the second time.
I don't really want to sit and ruminate about this for much longer, I've done enough of it today. All I know is that I love him and I'm going to miss him so much. I'm going to try and make the best of the situation, because I am not letting myself get to the low point I was at earlier in the week. I have dreams for myself, and this is only going to fuel them and push me that much closer.
Right now, I feel a bit stronger and more confident. I think I have more of a drive to reach out to some of the people that I've come to know around here. Maybe even.. that there's no obstacles in front of me right now? I mean, the only obstacles that exist are ones that I've created. They're all just in my head. And when I clear my mind and really center myself, they seem to disappear.
No more excuses. No more obstacles. No more letting other people's drama get to me. I'm a goddamn woman and I'm going to tear shit up. Hell yeah.
april 5, 2003
Untouchable dreams
Cringing as sleep leaves me
Memories unfolding,
And one more morning
On an empty stomach.
It wasn't perfection,
As much as it was wonderful,
And right.
But early air is forced down my throat;
My insides twist themselves
Into a multitude of uncomfortable positions.
Cuddle up to a voice,
Feed on old cards and letters.
To strangers who stare at my oddity:
"You don't know a thing about it."
Time dawdles, taunting me.
Once more a short rest is at my feet.
Kiss me just once, dear dream
And eternally I will be determined to sleep.
april 3, 2003
I have about an hour til my next class. And though I'm sure I have things I ought to do, I'm just sitting here at the computer. I don't have any of the books I need to be reading anyhow, so what's the point?
This'll be long, here's a cut..
So, Sara told me last night that she wants to get together and.. well, "jam" would be the right term I suppose. I think she's interested in my ideas on putting together music with few people. I was telling her that you don't need to get a bassist and drummer right away, you can make music without it, I even have a program that does that. Of course, it's going to sound more electronic, but it'll do. I told her all you have to do is create some music, maybe have one particular riff to use in a loop. Then play around with drum beats in the program, grab a bass loop or two even, and then just scream and sing over it.
Of course, I don't have all the resources available to me to do this. My room is small, and while she could bring an amp and her electric guitar and stuff, it would be too loud. Okay, well we could grab a room in Pfeiffer. But, my computer won't be there. Then again, we could always get the rhythms from my computer, connect my 4 track to my computer, and record it on a tape. Then go to Pfeiffer and record the guitar and vocals over it. Hopefully I have all the cables and equipment to do that.. Hm.
Well, in any case, I want to do that Friday. She's going to think about it. If she doesn't come over Friday, then forget it, I'm probably going to go home or something. Well, no, I shouldn't. Because I have to work Saturday morning. Ack.
Whatever, I'll just sit in my room for hours on end and be miserable just like I have every single day this week. How delightful. Not that I don't have work to do. I do. But we all know how much Rachel hates doing what she's supposed to be doing.
Not to say that I couldn't annoy the hell out of the few friends I have here until one of them gives in and does something with me. No, not at all. I could do that. And may do that. We'll see how things go.
But you know what? I think I'd rather have moments of utter misery than be ignorant and run away from everything. Sure, I can forget about things for a little while when I'm with people. But how the fuck would I learn anything by not thinking about it? By avoiding what I'm feeling? By being with people just for the sake of not being alone, instead of actually wanting to be with them? I think that would make me more pathetic. Everything I've learned in this life is due to having the time to be alone and think about what's happening around me. Or to me, for that matter.
Maybe some people don't value that, but that causes me to question their conscientiousness and awareness of.. just about everything. Themselves, other people, the world, misery, happiness, consequences of actions, etc. They may take classes on philosophy, read great books, have seemingly deep conversations about life with other people. But does it ever mean anything to them? Does it ever sink in? (Perhaps, this is why I'm still a psychology major.. obsessively interested in the human mind and human experience). I always have at least one moment in a class where something strikes me, and I don't let it just pass by. That's wasteful. And foolish. When you're fortunate enough to be slapped in the face by something that has incredible bearing on yourself and your life, you can't just push it aside. Even if it's painful.
Maybe I am strange in how I value pain and suffering (to a point, don't mistake me for masochist or something). Obviously, some people are forced to suffer entirely too much of it, and I wish that didn't have to happen. But for myself at least, I'll never be able to say that I really lived unless I've felt a very full range of emotions. Not only joy, pure love, innocent happiness, awe. Also rage, despair, betrayal, depression, violation, hopelessness. What is happiness if you've never tasted tragedy? What is rage if you've never known peace? Everything is relative for me, whether other people disagree or not.
I think that's a good average rant, don't you? When you spend as much time as I do chattering inside your own head, sometimes you need to flush some of it out. It gets a little crowded in there. Don't mistake me for always being depressing and sour. When I'm with people I generally am grateful and involved, the reason that I don't think about these things when I'm in someone's company. It's just I'm not happy with my life right now and since I know something's wrong, I'm searching for the right connection of thoughts to help me ease that.
Imagine me, sitting inside my brain, connecting millions of tiny wires trying to find the right combination? Hmm. That's a doozy.
I have to go to class now. Should be interesting. I like reading Greek plays, they go quickly for me and are fairly easy for me to understand. Plus all the drama and violence really gets you locked in. It's good stuff.
I just wanted to share this to those of you who enjoy seeing silly pieces of IM conversation.
smapwee: so have you talked to you know who at all since you know what?
Rachels storm: huh?
smapwee: hahahehe
Rachels storm: those two lines are so going in my profile.
smapwee: there are two ansers to that question so just pick one...the point is...
Rachels storm: DO YOU CONFESS??
smapwee: yyyyeeessss-excactly
I never did find out what she meant by that. Hmm.
april 1, 2003
I'm so completely.. affected right now. I'm bored, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, blah blah blah. I have about 1 1/2 hours til my next class, 1/2 hour til my Dad gets here with my cell adapter and my robe, and reading to do that I'm obviously not doing.
Tonight's going to be boring, too. Although I have a ton of reading to do, and that's something at least. But.. yeah. I guess I'm wondering if Kevin will want to get together, but I don't really know. I shouldn't even be thinking about getting together with anyone, because I have homework. But, we all know how terrible I am at doing things I should be doing.
Which reminds me, I have website work to start on. A few pictures to take, see if my Flash trial still works, otherwise make time to go to the web lab.. yeah. And updating the pages. Etc.
My web programming class was alright today. I learned some interesting things already. I was really scared to go in there actually, from what the teacher had been telling me about the class. Reason? Here I am, a psychology major/art minor who designs websites but cheats and uses Dreamweaver, who's taken only 2 programming classes. And I walk in, and everyone's talking about all these different computer languages, and about Windows programming, and all that. I felt very out of place.
But, hey, I'm there to learn. That's what matters. I just feel a little intimidated by my fellow classmates is all.
Sigh. It's so hard to focus on reading and homework sometimes, when all I can think about is other things that are eating away at me.
I now know for a fact that I can take a train to Wisconsin. That's an accomplishment. Thank you, metrarail.com.
I think that whenever I have extra time on the weekdays, I should totally take sub hours. Otherwise, I just sit in my room doing stupid shit on the computer, thinking about pathetic things. And the more I work, the more money I can save to put towards a new car. And the sooner I get a car, the sooner I can get away. Then again, I have conflicting feelings about getting away.
I have conflicting feelings about everything. I keep thinking, it's only March. Except, oops, it's April now. I think I'm stopped up, and maybe that's what's going on. I haven't been letting myself cry. But even when I was letting myself cry, I still felt.. kind of hollow and empty. But it was a painful emptiness. You'd think empty wouldn't feel like anything.
I think I'm going to go wait for my Dad. I'm so fucking sick of being online already. And it's certainly not helping my situation at all. Fuck.