may 30, 2002
So tonight, I saw Arachniphobia for the first time (did I spell that right? oh well).
First, some background. I'm terrified of spiders. I'm terrified of most insects, actually. Anything that bites, crawls, jumps, flies, stings... that's pretty much every insect. I have actually not slept in my room because there was a spider in there.
I also have seen a lot of horror movies in my day. Everything from psychological thrillers to campy movies with not so special effects. I do occasionally get grossed out from some of the not so good movies, once in a while to the point of being nauseous. Not often, though. I admit I will sometimes avert my gaze during particularly gross scenes, but it's not a big deal. I have jumped during a movie, though rarely. Once was during The Others.
However, never- I repeat NEVER- have I literally hid my eyes in my hands, OR screamed. I did both tonight. During most of the action with the spiders biting people and jumping on people, I hid my face in my hands and peeked through my fingers when I thought it was over. During the scene where the huge spider is attacking jeff daniels, I actually screamed in the midst of saying "Oh my god" one too many times. Immediately after I realized what I had done, I proclaimed that I should definitely not be watching that movie.
I'm kind of glad I saw it, but then again, I'm kind of mad at myself for letting that kind of movie get to me that way. It's just that it completely got to one of my greatest fears.
And now, I'm off to do work. Because it's the end of the term and I have a bunch still to do. But my two papers are out of the way, so that's good. Rock on.
may 25, 2002
So, tonight was kind of a bust. We were going to go to a restaurant, get something for me at Kinko's, and then watch bad animal horror movies on the sci fi channel. But no, it would not prove to be that simple.
We got to Kinko's at around 9pm or so. First, we had troubles printing my image the size I wanted it. It kept coming out square for some reason. Just when I was about to give up and go cry about how my art project wasn't going to happen the way I wanted it to, I had one more idea to try. That was at about 10:30. But someone else was using the computer. So Kevin and I decided to go eat and then come back, since the place is open 24 hours.
We got back at around midnight. After struggling with the printer for a while, and changing the size in photoshop, we finally got the picture to come out the right size. Then, the guy was going to mount it on foam-core. Well, the image I was printing was mostly black, so the ink was thick and still wet, so he smeared it, and said that he couldn't really mount it without messing it up a bit, besides that it would probably still be wet for 2-7 days. That was no good. So first we printed a new one. Then, he laminated it (I was very hesitant to do this, but I think it'll turn out fine). Then, he mounted it. And it looks nice just on its own, actually.
At that point, it was about 2am.
So I spent about 3 and a half hours total in Kinko's tonight. That's scary and so not cool. I paid $17 for the damn thing too.. Oh well. It's one of the neatest ideas I've had in a while, and I'm sure it'll be worth it. I haven't been so excited about an art project in a while. My computer image looks soooooo good too. Like I said earlier, it looks neat just on it's own on the foamcore. I'm going to have to remember that if I ever want to get one of my photos enlarged.. I can just go to Kinko's and get it blown up and stuff.... Yeah. OH! I know what photo I could do that with. Ohhhhh it's this one I took of a sunset in my rear view mirror. It's one of the coolest pictures I've ever taken. Yeah. But that's expensive, so maybe doing a smaller one would be a good idea. Or not getting it mounted, maybe not laminated, if the ink didn't take long to dry or something. Yeah.
Anyhow, I'm tired and I have to get up in 7 hours for work. Yay.
may 24, 2002
So... Kinko's never closes? Wow. I had no idea. That's incredible. And convenient. My mixed media art project is going to be so fun.
So, tonight Kevin and I will stop over there or something. And I'll ask them if they can do the thing I want. And they will. And it might be expensive, but I don't really care that much. It'll totally be worth it. And if it's not, I'll try my damndest to sell the thing and make a profit :D Hehe. But yeah, I think it'll be way neat. Rahr.
In you I see dirty
In you I count stars
In you I feel so pretty
In you I taste god
In you I feel so hungry
In you I crash cars
We must never be apart
Totally.
I got this off a Bikini Kill website, not a weblog, and I think it's extremely.. neat. It's enlightening and I've never thought about it before.
"My sister used to say that I'd marry the first person I fell in love with (which didn't turn out to be true) but her words rang true in that every person, I don't care who, is so beautiful once you get past their defenses and media-induced posturing (if any) that you can't help but love them, I mean once you sit down and talk about hopes and dreams, make that contact, well life could end right there and I'd be happy."
Yes! I think I feel the same way. The only time I don't like people is when they do things to me or things to other people that hurt, because I know they wouldn't want me doing it to them. I guess I'm not completely in that idea that guy just talked about, but I'm semi there. But every person that I've really really talked to, without any kind of pretenses or fake happiness and shit, is someone that I still value. Unless they hurt me, but it's not that I don't value them, it's that they hurt me and I'm trying to protect myself. So yeah. I mean, just look at how the internet supports that. You can meet people and totally be yourself (or totally not be yourself... another issue) and everyone can be wonderful.
Okay, anyhow. I have to finish breakfast and get ready for class. blech.
I'm fucking tired. But I decided not to go to my first class tomorrow, so I'm celebrating. I still have my noon class. Then work at 3. Then a shower after 5. Then going out with Kevin when he gets back.
I'm definitely going home on Monday. Bringing more stuff home. Yes.
So, things aren't too bad. My science paper is coming along alright. I'm not completely into my self portrait drawing, but eh, whatever. I'm more into what my mixed media is going to be. I originally did it as a sketch in my journal for something I could do later, but then I was looking at it while I was trying to kill time in class one day, and it just hit me. And it's perfect, because the background for it, I can get Kinko's to print for me and mount on a piece of Foam-core. Then I have my backing board, AND my background in one piece! Then I just draw out these two smaller square pictures, give them small white frames, and mount them with my photo corners I got for my scrapbook. YES. It will be sweet. My teacher and my classmates will admire my sudden burst of creativity. And I will be uber-happy. OH! That reminds me. I have to finish up my online art portfolio site, and make a page advertising my offering to do web page design or computer art for free. Blah!
I hope hope hope hope that I get that Administrative Assistant job at the Chicago Ridge Library. It's PERFECT for me, and I can TOTALLY do it. They're taking applications until May 31st. That's a week from now. I really really want that job. $8 an hour, 12-15 hours a week I think (something around there, under 20!) So... yeah. It's not a full time job, but it's a good good job. Better than I've had. I work 10 hours a week now, and get paid only $5.15 an hour. $8 and hour, 15 hours a week... that's... $120 a week. Almost $500 a month. Ooooh. That's a lot to me, I'm only had minimum wage jobs...
GOD I hope they'll hire me :\ I hope they don't reject me automatically because I can only work there during the summer. :( I can come back in the winter.... Well, no, they're not going to let me do that I'll bet. I'll have to find a new job. Maybe use that temporary job place, Staffmark, during the winter. Yeah.
Well, if nothing else, maybe I can get Lisa to make the Alsip library let me work in circulation or processing even though my sister works there in Youth Services. MAYBE. I don't really know. And my sister hasn't said anything yet, so I don't know if she's even talked to Lisa yet. Bah.
Okay, it's almost 1:30. I guess I should go to bed. If I wasn't so tired, I'd stay up here and write and write and listen to first grade crush and liz janes and the smashing pumpkins and other various mp3s I have aaaaaall night.
HAHA ninja mice. Ahhhh commercials.
HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD! IT'S GOTH LAUNDRY DETERGENT! HAHAHA! I swear on all that is sacred, there is a new kind of Woolite out there, specifically for dark laundry, and I JUST saw the commercial for it. It's GOTH LAUNDRY DETERGENT!! HAHAHA!
Ahh oh my. That's funny stuff. Whoo. Yeah, anyhow, bye for anyone who cares. After midnight, there's pretty much no chance of me believing that anyone honestly does care.
may 21, 2002
Yes, my last post was weird and scary, but the season finale just ended, and I have one thing to sum it up:
I cried like a baby.
No joke. I was crying like you wouldn't believe. And to top it off, one of the few spoiler rumors I heard came true: Spike got his soul back. Ohhhhh man Season 7 is going to be fucking GREAT!!! I so can't wait. AUGH.
I have two words to end this post that not many people will get:
Grrr! Argh.
If you've never believed me when I said I was a Buffy nerd before, check this out.
OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
EEEEE!
Yes, this is literally what I was doing just 5 seconds ago. Watch out if you haven't watched the season finale, because this will spoil it for you. Willow was all evil, and had just knocked out Buffy and Anya and was going to kill Andrew and whatsisname. She said something like, "Now no one can stop me" and then this ball of magic comes out of NO WHERE and they show GILES standing in the door.... HOLY CRAP! AHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! OHMYGOD
Okay I'll try to stop using caps. But fucking hell, you have NO idea how great this is!!! I'm squealing and trying to stifle myself but it's soooo hard. GAH season finales are so great. AUGH this is just... it's great and excrutiating at the same time because there's another hour to go still... and plus I mean, there's going to be something left hanging. RAHR.
I'm just so shocked that Giles is back. And I don't know how this is going to end, but it's... it's going to be great no matter what. Yeah, I'm such a huge dork. I guess I'm not as bad as I was in the past, but it's still pretty bad. Yeah, but I was definitely worse. That was when I wasn't entirely sure.. well, I don't know how to put it. I guess just that I let it become partially my life, partially my world. I let myself get really pulled in because lord knows I didn't really want to be here. And that was the first TV show in my generation with witchcraft, ghosts, vampires, the occult.. everything. Everything that I wanted to be a part of. How could I not have gotten pulled in so far? I always thought, at least if I lived in that world, I'd have somewhere to belong. Yeah, they may not have been the popular ones at their school, but they had something so much more important and much better than that. And that's all I wanted. To belong somewhere and have something important that I lived to do. Hm. Somehow it doesn't sound so different from where I am now in some ways. Maybe that's why it's affecting me in this way again? I don't know. Yeah I'm not entirely sure what this is all about. I guess I just have to let myself enjoy it while I can. In half an hour, no more new Buffy til fall. Although I'll always have the reruns.
Okay, I'll stop this madness now.
Aren't I supposed to look nice and refreshed after the weekend? Why do I feel like a zombie? Ugh. The power of Mondays.
So, now I'm going to sleep. After restarting my computer 3 times because of guitar.com. Which I can't apparently go to anymore. THANKS.
Oh, and I talked to Melisa a bit today and she said that the White Stripes are coming to the Metro in July. Sweet. I love summer. So far, my concert agenda:
Steven in June (!!!!)
White Stripes in July
And probably a couple other things Kevin asked me if I wanted to go to a while ago. Plus more more more when I hear about more.
Now, sleep. I quote Liz Janes:
"I wanna sleep but I just keep sitting here..."
So okay, I have a story. Don't worry, it's good. I was applying for jobs in the mall (yuck!) at department stores (eh). I was walking out of Carson's, and I saw this girl I went to high school with working at one of the makeup counters. This wasn't just any girl though, we were friends for a time, mostly sophomore year. That year, I knew nobody in my lunch and had to be adventurous and just sit by myself. Well, there were these two other girls who were sitting by themselves. One girl, Erica, I kinda knew from my art class freshman year so she came and sat by me. Then there was this other girl, Vanessa, who we started talking to and it turned out she had gone to my best friend's high school! Talk about a small world. Well, anyhow, the three of us had our own little thing going on at lunchtime. We even had names for eachother. I was Pinky Spice because I had pink streaks in my hair. Erica was Curly Spice because of her curly hair. Vanessa was Smiley Spice because.. well I guess because she smiled a lot and had a nice big smile :D So! We were our own alternative Spice Girls. Goofy huh? Erica was the first person I had ever heard of Limp Bizkit from, that was like.. back in the day.
So, I remember that time very fondly. Erica even came to my 16th birthday party.
So, I saw her working at Carson's. Wow! First of all, that's a trip in and of itself. I hadn't seen or talked to her for 2 years. So I said "Erica! Hi!" and she looks up and is like "Hey Rachel!" or something like that, and then she said- and this part i remember exactly- "I have a son!"
Well as you can imagine I was completely surprised. I mean... wow! Erica! Has a son! His name is Alexander. And she's engaged, and plans on moving to Florida and going to school to become a Nurse. Wow! That's just... that's so great. I'm so glad she's got stuff going for her. A family, a goal,.. That's so great. I was so shocked I didn't really talk very much, I just told her I'd been at college for 2 years majoring in Psychology and minoring in Art. Hehe I forgot about Kevin :D Well not that I FORGOT but.. yeah I kind of did. You have to understand, I was completely flabbergasted. All I could think was, "Oh my god, it's Erica! and... she has a son!" Haha I don't mean to overemphasize that. But you have to understand, that's a huge surprise. It's hard to get over.
So, this summer, I'm hoping I can go and visit her and maybe set up some time where we could get together and really catch up a bit more. See, she's one of those people from high school that I actually do want to see again and talk to again. Wow. Amazing.
Also, you can send me messages to my phone via the web. It's the neatest thing. Go here to do that. It's neat, I tried it. And lord knows I love getting little messages from people. And lord knows I probably won't get very many :D I only really have a cell phone for emergencies. Like when my car breaks down somewhere on Lagrange at 11pm by the forests. Where it's dark. And spooky. And there are creepy things.
Fun stuff.
Liz Janes is my new female musician hero. This girl is phenomenal.
And I'm also getting a bit more into the Smashing Pumpkins. You can tell by my Amazon wishlist. And I really like the song Stand Inside Your Love. What's cool, is back in the day, I asked for Melon Collie on cassette for Christmas, and I got it, and so I totally have that on tape. I'm glad I never got rid of it.
You and me, meant to be.
Immutable, Impossible.
It's destiny, pure lunacy.
Incalculable, Insufferable..
But for the last time, you're everything that I want and ask for;
You're all that I'd dreamed.
Who wouldn't be the one you love?
Who wouldn't stand inside your love?
Protected and the lover of..
A pure soul and beautiful you.
Don't understand, Don't feel me now;
I will breathe for the both of us.
Travel the world, traverse the skies;
Your home is here within my heart..
And for the first time I feel as though I am reborn in my mind
Recast as child and mystic sage.
Who wouldn't be the one you love?
Who wouldn't stand inside your love?
And for the first time I'm telling you how much I need and bleed for
Your every move and waking sound; In my time
I'll wrap my wire around your heart and your mind
You're mine forever now..
Who wouldn't be the one you love and live for?
Who wouldn't stand inside your love and die for?
Who wouldn't be the one you love?
End of transmission.
may 18, 2002
I feel FANTASTIC right now. I don't know if it was the coffee I had, or just the company or the conversation but I Feel Great. It's one of those times where the world looks beautiful and I feel pumped and energetic... it's the best.
I went home today for a while, and then afterwards one of my friends and I went out to dinner. Oh, and a friend of hers I haven't seen in a while came with too. So we sat there talking about music and school and all this stuff and it just felt really really good. I didn't want to leave, but surprisingly, when I did leave, I still felt great. Wow. I wish you could feel what I'm talking about. It's this amazing high without bad side effects. Without the drugs. Hot damn.
I guess I'll talk some more later, right now I have a couple of things to do. I hope this feelings lasts forever. Or at least for the rest of the night :) Hehe. Bye!
1) Name: Rachel Ann Hoover
2) Name Backwards: revooH nnA lehcaR
3) Were you named after anyone? Not that I know of. My parents basically wanted to name me an R name. My dad's name is Ronald, and my mom's name is Joyce, so... my sister and I are Rachel and Jodi. Silly, huh? :D
4) Does your name mean anything? It means "ewe" in Hebrew. Yes, female sheep.
5) Nick Name(s): stinker (thanks dad), rach, rachie/rachi-poo (thanks sara :D)
6) Screen Name(s): rachelsstorm
7) Date Of Birth: September 19, 1982
8) Place of Birth: Oak Lawn, IL
9) Nationality: Mostly Polish (Mom's side) and Swiss (Dad's side)
10) Current Location: Naperville/Alsip, IL
11) Sign: Virgo sun, Libra moon, Virgo rising
12)Religion: Well, kind of my own at this point. I've merged some different religious and spiritual philosophies to make something uniquely me. But I'm still Wiccan and pagan to some extent.
13) Height: 5'5"
14) I'm obliterating question 14.
15) Shoe Size: women's 9 and a half
16) Hair color: black and red. I noticed the other day how much my hair's grown... at the beginning of the year, it was a little past my ears. Now, it's a little below my shoulders. That's impressive.
17) Eye color: Depends on a lot of things. Sometimes blue, sometimes green.
18) What do you look like: A zombie? I dunno. A girl.
19) Innie or Outie? innie
20) Righty, Lefty, or Ambidexterous? Well, a little from column A, a little from column B... I'm technically left handed. But I do use my right hand for a bunch of stuff. I play guitar right handed. I throw and bat right handed, but I CAN bat left handed pretty well too. I can write with my right hand, but it looks like a Preschooler's writing :D
21) Gay, Straight, Bi, or Other?: Straight like an arrow. Or a straightedge. Or.. yeah :D
Do You Have...
38) Any sisters: yes, one.
39) Any brothers: nope!
40) Any pets: My family has a dog, Belle. I have a cat, Sabrina. Sabrina lives with my family though since I can't have pets here.
41) A Disease: Only mental ones. :D
42) A Pager: nope.
44) A Cell phone: I have an old one in my car right now, but I'll be getting a new one this weekend.... sweeeet.
45) A Lava lamp: no, but I used to.
46) A Pool or hot tub: At home we have a pool.
47) A Car: 198..4? Pontiac stationwagon. I forget all the extra details I'm supposed to know, like the number. It's great though.
Describe Your...
48) Personality: I'm strange and inconsistent in my personality traits. Generally quiet unless I'm really comfortable around you, and even then it's hard to say. But I'm friendly and helpful as long as you're a decent person. If you're someone I like a lot, I'll pretty much do anything for you. Good friends are worth it.
49) Driving: I'll quote my drivers ed instructor for Behind the Wheel... "You're not the worst driver I've ever seen, but you're not the best either." That's my driving in a nutshell. I've been in one accident, sometimes drive a little fast, have been really lost twice, don't brake very smoothly, sometimes change lanes without looking well enough, and have almost ran over some of the members of First Grade Crush. Nobody but Peggy and I remember that.. I was turning right into a parking lot, and I didn't see until the last second that there were people walking out of the entrance, and so I had to brake really quickly so i didn't hit them, and caused the cars behind me to honk their horns. Then Peggy yells out, "Hey, that's First Grade Crush!" Later that night when Peggy was talking to one of the members, I couldn't really look them in the eye because I was so embarrassed. Even though apparently no one else noticed that I almost hit them. Anyhow :D
50) Car or one you want: My car, just in better condition. I <3 stationwagons.
51) Room: Right now, kinda messy but not as bad. I have some of my artwork up, a couple posters, some books and videos thrown about, and I made a little shelf for my bigger stuff with the bunk beds. We moved the top bed up allll the way so now I have this kind of canopy thing going on. it's sweet. I put a plastic tablecloth I bought over it and it looks fabulous. I have some fake flowers scattered through the room as well. It's beautiful when it's clean :D
52) What's missing: Some of the people I care about the most :\ Stop being far away! Gahhh!
53) School: Don't get me started on my school. Let's just say all they care about is money. Yeah, most colleges are that way, but most colleges have it better than us and pay less. They get about $20-$25,000 per year per student. There should be no complaints.
54) Bed: Just a single bed. Kinda small. But I have that canopy thing going on now :D
55) Relationship with your parent(s): It's pretty good now. I guess I appreciate them more after living at college. I talk to my mom more, and my dad and I have more in common now that I've taken this large interest in computers. I still sometimes go crazy when I'm living at home, but what kid doesn't?
Do You
56) Believe in yourself: Not really. I guess that's my first problem, huh? I sometimes do, but mostly when I let other people convince me to believe in myself. Once in a while something nice happens and I think maybe I can do the things I really want to do.
57) Do you believe in love at first sight? That's a tricky question. I'd say no, though. There are so many other things that are involved with love, and I don't think you can get all of that in just the first look at someone. That's not love, that's attraction and infatuation. While I have always suffered from susceptibility to infatuation, I'm also big on romantic love. Platonic love. All that sort of thing. Mostly romantic though. I'm pretty soft, even though I seem so cynical and protected.. Yeah. There's something I'm protecting.
58) Consider yourself a good listener: Yeah, but after years of good listening, I sometimes slip up and want to talk for a while. I can be a little obnoxious once in a while :D
59) Consider yourself a good friend: Yes. I'm not perfect by an means, though. Like I said earlier, I would do just about anything for my good friends because I love them to death.
60) Get Along with your parents: yeah probably
61) Save your e-mail conversations: Hehe, sometimes. Most of the time. I also sometimes save IM conversations, though I've cut down tons on that.
62) Pray: Not in the typical Christian way, but sometimes. I don't pray like some people do, like "Goddess please get me a new car" or "Make something bad happen to so and so because they suck". I'm more intelligent about it than that. I mostly "pray" (hate that word) for the strength or inspiration to do things myself.
63) Believe in reincarnation: Sure, why the hell not?
64) Like to make fun of people: Yeaaaah I can be kinda mean in that way. But it's people that either deserve it, or will never know I'm making fun of them. I don't like to make fun of too many people to their face, unless they're someone I know really well and I know they won't take it to heart. I don't want to hurt people :\
65) Like to talk on the phone: Yeah, but I have issues. I have a hard time calling people, and have a phobia regarding prank calls.
67) Like to drive: Yeah, but to a point. Too much is bad.
68) Get motion sickness: If I read in the car I get kinda sick.
69) Eat the stems of broccoli: I have, but it's not that good. the top part is the best.
70) Eat Chicken fingers with a fork: No way, they're meant to be eaten with the hands.
71) Dream in color: I think so
72) Type with your fingers on home row: yes, and it drives me nuts when people don't type that way,.. probably because we were taught it in grade school so much it's been permanently stapled in my head.
73) Sleep with a stuffed animal: Nope. I used to though.
What Is/Are/Was...
74) Right next to you: garbage can. and no, that's not my pet name for my room. i mean the real garbage can.
75) On the walls of your room: posters, artwork, a STAR cardboard thing I cut from a Converse box, plastic fedoras, a star black and white thing i made... that's about it.
76) On your mouse pad: a cat in a net hammock. don't ask. it's not something i picked out, i think it's something my second roommate gave me. hm.
77) Your dream car: I don't know I don't really have one. Although I really like some old cars, but I don't know their names or anything.
78) Your dream date: nighttime walks are nice :D
79) Your dream honeymoon spot: hmmm i don't know i'll get back to you on that.
80) Your dream husband/wife: haha silly question. :D
81) Your bedtime: uh, when i feel like it?
82) Under your bed: dust. boxes. bags. etc.
83) The single most important question: you expect me to come up with that at this time of night?
84) Your bad time of the day: morning. ohhhhh boy is it morning.
85) Your worst fear(s): someone breaking into my house. snakes. spiders. falling. death.
86) The weather is like: coooold
87) The time? 11:30 pm
88) The date?: may 18th 2002
89) The best trick you ever played on someone: i've never played any tricks on anybody i don't think.
90) The weirdest food or drink that you like: I don't know.
91) Theme Song: I don't really have one.
92) The hardest thing about growing up: not being a child anymore i guess. finding out all the things you never knew and kinda wish you didn't know.
93) Your funnest experience: damn, i can't pick one.
94) Your scariest moment: Once when I thought someone might be lurking outside my house. Any time I've gotten prank phone calls. When I got in a car accident. I'm sure there's more.
95) The silliest thing you've said: I could give you a long list, if only I could remember them.
96) The funniest or most desperate thing you've done to get the attention of the opposite sex: Hm. Well, I guess you could say one of the funny/desperate things I've done is IMing the person every single time they were online. Bugging them non stop. But that's a bit of a stretch..
I do have one though. Back in my sophomore year of high school, I was kind of getting out of Reel Big Fish. I also had a crush on one of a set of twins at the time. I found out they were kinda into Reel Big Fish, and so I got a Guitar magazine with the tabs for Sell Out in it, and brought it to school so they might see. And I learned to play Sell Out. And that got me back into RBF. I'm such a silly girl. I do weird things for boys.
97) The scariest thing that's ever happened while with your friend(s): Probably the thing about almost hitting members of First Grade Crush. Oh, oh except the time where I thought someone was lurking around outside my house, and I made one of my friends drive over because I was alone at the time, and I searched the perimeter of my house with a butcher knife hidden in my jacket. Damn I was scared. Like I mentioned, I'm very afraid of that idea.
98) The worst feeling in the world: Feeling like you have no future. Also the feeling that someone you care about doesn't realize that you care about them, or that they don't care about you. Hm. Or that feeling you get when someone you care about is going to leave you. Yeah. That kinda sucks.
Okay, that's all for tonight. Later.
may 16, 2002
So, today hasn't been a great day. Last night, I was in a really good mood, and I was playing my music and stuff... then today just sucked.
First of all, I was way tired. Naturally. But it didn't start getting bad until it started raining. Yes, I found out it was raining and boy was I pissed. I HATE rain. Besides that, the Student Assistant Picnic for the library was today. I didn't go last year, and I sure as hell wasn't going to go this year. But people don't seem to like that. Everytime I say I'm not going, I get harassed. "You're not GOING??" It's not like I just told them that they suck and I hate them and I don't want to go because of that.
I have many reasons. One, on Thursdays my boyfriend and I usually go have lunch together. No, our schedules don't really allow for that during the rest of the week. We didn't end up going today anyhow, but I have other good reasons. Two, I don't see the point. Free food? So what? I have $200 on my ID for the Cage, I consider that free food in a way. I also have plenty of food at home to feed me. I don't value free food that much, and people LOVE to use that on college students. Free cookies! So what? Free dinner! What about my homework and people I talk to online while I'm in my room? Yeah, exactly. Three, nobody really wants me there, so why subject myself to that kind of social situation? Yeah, I know the bullshit they'll feed me if I say that. "We want you there! blahblahblah I'm full of crap." Every event that I'm required to go to, I get treated pretty shittily. I'm not talking about the regular library employees. Yeah I guess they'll talk to you, but there's that age gap thing. I don't take that very seriously anyhow. They're all nice, but it's a different situation. I'm talking about the Student employees. Bah! Why go? At the Orientation in the Fall, there was a thing with food. I just felt so isolated and crappy the whole time. I don't need to depress myself further by going to some stupid indoor picnic and getting ignored some more. I HATE when people bullshit me about that stuff. They'll tell me that they want me there, they'll patronize me, and they'll say "well I talk to you!" and all that, but when it comes right down to it, most people don't mean it. They'll do it that one time because they feel bad for you, but they don't really care. Not that I completely expect them to, I'm just saying that I don't see the point of spending time with a bunch of people who don't care as much as they pretend to sometimes. See, SOMETIMES. Not even all the time. I refuse to waste my time sitting there, feeling embarrassed and alone, or even worse, embarrassed and pitied. Fuck that.
Anyhow.
So, my boyfriend and I walked over to the Art Office because I had a drawing to pick up that didn't get in the competition. I go there, but there's NO one. My drawings weren't even there. So I thought to myself, maybe I should go next door to the Art Center and look in the room I left them in. I went in the Art Center, and saw one of my teachers in there, so I asked him where they were. He opened the room for me, and there my picture was. Stupid stupid people. The woman who called me told me to go to the secretary from 10-2 or something. Bullshit. I'm so sick of being lied to. At this school, that's basically what you're paying for. Being lied to. But in life in general, that's all I seem to get. Lies lies lies. You can tell me that they're little white lies, or they're lies that need to be told for some reason, but that doesn't change the fact that they're dirty rotten lies and it's an insult to be lied to.
The truth may have a sharper pain to it, but lies cause a pain that's much deeper and slower. It's fucking agony.
Gah, people. Although most of the time, I think that I'm no better than any of them and that's what's so sad.
There are a few people I legitimately love and care about, and there are a few other people that I think could be good people, but hell, this is a depressing world to live in.
I don't mean to sound so down all the time, I really don't. It's part of whatever sickness that's in my head I guess. As much as thinking like this hurts, I almost relish the emotional pain I put myself through. I can articulate bad things, and pain and depression and sadness. But I have a hard time describing the good things that I feel, and I don't really know why. Maybe the good things I feel are just inexpressable. Inexpressible? I don't know.
To anybody who thinks that it's sad that I talk this way all the time, or who pities me for living such a depressed life, I have something to say. For every moment that I experience pain, stress, anger or sadness, there's an equal and opposite moment where I just sit and think that some things are so completely beautiful. I've lied awake in bed staring out the window at a full moon, trying to wrap my mind around what it actually is, and trying to take it in as much as possible. I've stared out my living room window at the sunset, and drunk in every single color in the sky. I've almost gotten in accidents, being in awe of just how something outside the car looks, like sunsets and full moons, but like cemeteries and trees with blooming flowers. I'm in love with the way it feels to be floating on my back in the pool, at night, in the middle of summer, with my eyes closed. I don't think I could ever be more comfortable with my acoustic guitar than I am when I'm sitting out on our cement front porch during the summer with no shoes on, leaning on the brick... or sitting in the backyard on the picnic table, just watching the bushes and talking. I don't think I'll ever be happier that it's storming than when I'm at home, watching movies, or going to sleep with my windows open. Sometimes when I'm calm and content, I sit and think about how much I love the few friends I do have and how many good memories I have of them... or I think about how lucky I am to have the family I have, and to have Kevin, and that I can go to college and keep learning.
See? I'm not all bad. It just hurts that life can't consist of all those wonderful moments consecutively, repeatedly, forever. So when I can't be in those moments, I get depressed and think of how empty I feel, and then I start writing about it because I can't just hold it in. And when I do have a wonderful moment, it's unfortunate because I seem to usually not be able to get it out. Some things are just beyond words.
So I'm sorry if I'm depressing. I'm not really a bad person.
oh yeah, btw, in case you wanna see it....
You remember MASH right? The silly grade school game that determined your fate randomly? This was my result when I played it just now...
You live in a Mansion.
You're married to Kevin.
You drive a Pontiac Stationwagon.
Your car is the color Blue.
You live in the state Illinois.
Your honeymoon is London.
Your occupation is a Web Designer.
You have this many kids: 2 (1 male; 1 female).
That is eerily close to like... ideal for me. Except the Stationwagon would have to be like new but... yes. Mansion, Kevin, Blue car, live in Illinois, honeymoon in London would be neato, occupation = Cool, kids = perfect... That game has mystical powers. Wowee.
Hit me with some winter, and put this fire out.
I don't know how much longer I can stand to burn,
Can stand this early heat.
Throw some ice my way so I can just forget;
Shock me out of this lazy, painful place I am in.
Crazy heart in a summer way.
Never every say how I'd wait
For a little spark to fly my way.
Because all colors do fade, and I have gone from blue to grey.
You kill me in the sweetest way.
But spare me, spare me.
---------
I just thought I'd share that. It's one of my new songs. I like it. And the music I put to it already. It's fun.
I decided today that for the first time, I really do have a bunch of sincerely good songs that I like. That one, another called Ghosts, another called Getting By, and then I have like 3 older songs that I still really like (Dear Veruca, Video Game Heaven and Believe) and more lyrics that I want to put to music when I get home and have access to some drums and stuff.
Things are pretty good.
I was forced yesterday to put two of my pictures in a gallery the Art Club does for Cornerstone Day. They're pre-judging, and I got a call today saying one of my pieces did make it in, that they didn't have much space because of all the entries... yeah whatever. Anyhow, so there's a small chance I may win something. Although, I doubt it. But you know. The drawing that got in WAS the one I thought would get in. And it is expressive and not bad. Not perfect though. There's a couple things I should have fixed first. But I didn't want to put too much effort into this Competition bullshit. I hate competing with other artists because they always win. Well, not always. I used to hold my own a bit when I was younger, though not by the end of high school.
So anyhow. I'm going to play this song, and go to bed. Slow sun. And things will be great. And I will be tired tomorrow. But I do not care. :P
may 15, 2002
my subject lines for these posts are kind of going downhill. eh, whatever.
so yeah, i was bored and felt like posting i guess. it's the middle of the week and although it's come pretty fast, i'd also like the rest the of the week to go by fast. then saturday, i don't have to work and i can go home earlier and try and get jobs. go to that other bookstore in the mall. go back to one of the libraries to ask about that flyer. then... i dunno, look through the paper and fax my resume to anyone i can. trying to get a job is crazy. i hate it with a passion. i haven't gotten any calls back, and i've handed out 4 of my resumes. of course, i know i have to do more. but yargh.
i guess on saturday i'll find that other recording studio too and ask them if they have any job openings.
Summer Job Search 2002.... i have more experience, and i'm pickier about what i'll do. that's life i guess.
well, i have to go soon i guess. i don't know if i'll get any coffee today. i guess i could, i don't see why not. i could use a little bit of a caffeine jolt. surrre. but that means i have to leave real soon. so i am.
may 14, 2002
Sooo. I don't really have too much to say. Just that today is a really nice day. And I can't wait until this is all over with. And that I'm a messy messy person.
Oh and that I should be getting a new cell phone this Saturday :D Yay! I can be like all the other idiots around my campus now! Well not really. I'll be normal. I'll have it, but not like... leave it on during class for no good reason, or be on it all the fucking time. Because there really is nobody that would call me, or that I would call. It's mostly for emergencies. But who wants to place bets on me putting my cell number in my IM profile or something? nah, maybe not. I dont want any of you weirdos leaving me messages :D haha.
Yes, I'm a loser. But I will be a loser with a new cell phone. : P
may 13, 2002
Do you remember those summers we'd get together on the weekend? We'd run around outside all day, go swimming, barbecue. Food on plastic 3-compartment plates. Dripping wet from the pool and drying in 5 seconds because it was just that warm out. Then it got dark, and a fire replaced the pool. S'mores instead of food from the grill. Someone always poking at the fire, keeping it going.
And everyone talked and told stories. The air was beautiful and cool, and we started to get kind of tired. Sometimes games were in order, whether it be cards, ghost in the graveyard or late night basketball. Other times we'd just sit and laugh and rest. I had so much affection for those times, that it squeezes my insides just to think about it now. What happened?
We grew up and they got older. Everyone's tired now, and only fractions of the memories i have still remain. There's no running around. There's no swimming. Sometimes we still have that fire, and that's the time where i miss the old days the most. We all look sad, or cynical. We still have stories, and we still laugh together. And that's what I'm grateful for. But it's still not the same anymore. And I cry when I remember how it used to be, and how things are now. I repress what I know is going to happen soon, because I know it'll just break me to realize it.
may 12, 2002
this is a sad weekend. yesterday was nice though, i have to say. but today? crap. pure crap.
yes, it was raining this morning. i walked in the rain to work. worked for 2 hours. we were actually kind of busy. then i walked home in the rain. then i packed everything up and walked to my car in the rain. packed it in the rain. saw kevin before i left in the rain. drove home in the rain. i think you can guess the rest? yes and it is still raining. i didn't get back until after 11pm, so i don't know if i'm going to get much of my science paper done, but that's alright i guess. tomorrow i have to at least get up at... 11:30 am. hopefully before that so i can work on my paper at least a little. then i have to go to my grandma's house for mother's day. i told my mom, i'm not staying long. especially since we have to go grocery shopping... yeah. weekends. pfff.
well i guess i should get going on that paper.
but i did come back with brownies. that's something.
may 11, 2002
First off, I'd like to apologize to anyone on my email list who got a strange, random email from me. It wasn't me, it was Worm Klez. Yes, I had a virus (well, a Worm technically) on my computer. So... I hope everyone's okay. I'll make up for it if something bad happened to your computer. Buy you candy or something.
Anyhow. I'm really tired and this weekend isn't going to change that. Tomorrow, I have to work, then go home, try and look for a job, do laundry, shower probably, and maybe a couple other things. Then Sunday is Mother's Day and I have to go to my Grandma's at 1pm. In between all of this, I have to write a rough draft of a paper for Science, read whatever needs to be read for my classes, and finish my drawing for art. Monday, I have classes, then I have to run to the art store for mat board.
But, at least this will all stop soon. 3 and a half more weeks. 3 weeks til finals.
As tired as I am, I think I might have a Coke before bed. But then bed. Crikey.
may 10, 2002
So I was kind of productive today. I packed some stuff away to bring home on Saturday. It's going to rain Saturday. yuck.
I also started on my next drawing. It's coming along alright, I suppose. I also studied. Which... I kind of had to do, seeing as my test is tomorrow. Ugh. I'll probably be alright as long as I study enough tonight, but I'm always afraid I'll think I'm prepared, and he'll ask questions I totally can't bullshit my way through. So yeah. But this class isn't too tough. I should at least pass.
I didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night, but I wasn't too tired I guess. Hm. I felt like the end of the week happened on Wednesday, but then today came and my mind was like, "What the hell just happened? Did I miss a week or something?" Although I think I had some strange dreams. I know Kevin was in there somewhere, but I can't remember what was going on. The only thing I remember now is that some guy I knew gave me a bunch of stuff to look at. I don't remember why. It was for a reason though. Anyhow, I guess he gave me this.. book. Like a journal I guess. I don't know if he meant to or not. Anyhow, I read it, because I thought I was supposed to, and I kept seeing things about me in there. Good things. Things that gave me the distinct impression that he felt something more than a friendship for me. But I think I know why I had that dream, it was because Wednesday night Kevin and I were talking about how we sometimes think people like us, even for no good reason. So I had a dream about a friend having some sort of feelings for me. I also keep wanting to say in another part of the dream that Kevin, some other people and I were outside somewhere. But dammit, I can't remember.
Well, I guess I should go back to studying. I think I'm hungry though first. Sara hasn't come online tonight, maybe some other time. But we're trying to make plans for next weekend. This weekend will be busy busy busy. Going home, writing a rough draft of a paper, finishing my drawing, then Mother's Day... which reminds me, I have to finish getting my Mom's present ready.
Man, I can't believe this year is almost over. People are right; The older you get, the faster time goes by. It's crazy. I'm going to be a Junior soon. And then a Senior. Then I graduate. And then... who knows what. Hell, who knows what's going to happen Junior and Senior year for that matter. But after I graduate... I just don't know. Find another school wherever Kevin wants to live to get my Masters degree at. Get a job? I don't know.
Pressure's high, and I like to hyperventilate and pass out.
may 8, 2002
cosby show wins for now.
i miss her
i'm clean, yet slightly itchy
i know what i'm going to draw for my next art project
i drew a picture just because and got complimented on it at work
i'm also very happy with the picture.
we're going to see the new woody allen movie.
i'm working on my art portfolio site.
i have to write a rough draft of a paper for science for monday.
i have to go home saturday.
i have to go to my grandma's sunday.
we have about 3 more weeks to go til the end of the term.
man this guy on the cosby show is completely mooching off bill cosby's food. some people are terrible.
i am so buying an acoustic electric guitar this summer and recording my best songs.
and i will so someday play shows.
and now, time for homework.
may 4, 2002
I was looking at my counter details today, and I checked out the referrers first like always. To my surprise, somebody actually searched in google by "Rachel Hoover". Now, maybe it was just someone I know who wanted to see what would come up. But it made me wonder.
Today we're seeing Spiderman. Hopefully it won't be too crowded... considering it did open yesterday. Plus we're trying to go early. I don't think I'm going to get to take a shower after work and before the movie, because around 1pm, the cleaning people are usually in the bathroom. even though they're supposed to be out of there by noon... it's what it says on the sign on the door. But whatever.
I had a creepy creepy dream last night. Well, one part was about Kevin and me in a grocery store. But there was this other part where I was like... I guess some kind of prisoner or slave to someone. And either someone attacked her, or all the slaves rebelled or something. But she decided to free almost all her slaves. I didn't get to go, for whatever reason. But then like... things didn't turn out to be so bad in the end somehow. I wasn't doing stupid meaningless work, somehow she became the head of some kind of company? I dunno. But if I recall, she really had a temper.
So I have some newer songs. And I'll hopefully have more, because I just keep on writing more and more lyrics. I'm hoping this summer to save up and buy that acoustic electric guitar I was talking about not too long ago. But this summer, I'm also hoping to work on the few songs I do have ready, and maybe recording them using my four track, whenever I get it back from Sara. Because if I just take those few songs and work really hard on them, and either come up with drums for them myself, or have Jodi try and come up with something... then it'll be really worthwhile. I think Sara still has her bass, too... although I could always use my keyboard for that, I think it could be interesting. But I'll probably have her there anyhow when I'm doing some of it, since she's been using it more than I have, and probably knows how to use it better. Plus, whatever other musical instruments she has maybe I can use... I forget. I think she has a tambourine but I don't remember if that's it. Hell, maybe I can get her to play some guitar on a song or two for me. That would be neat. Ha, we'll just have a little recording studio set up somewhere. Hm. I don't know where though. Because my room's kind of small... but I guess I can make it work... speaking of work... I have to go to it. And I'm not completely ready yet, so I'd better cut this short for now.
I'll hammer out all the details later.
Speaking of hammer, I'm proud of myself. A screw came out of this part of the closet, the magnetic thing that holds the doors closed, and I went and fixed it myself. Screw maintenance, I can do it myself! Rahhh! It's fun when you have no boys in your family, but your Dad still needs someone to do stuff with, so you like... learn good things. My sister and I even put together this set of drawers she bought ourselves. And her and my Dad built her.. box or whatever it's called... you know, those rectangular boxes they use in skating, with some pipe or metal on the edge for grinding? Yeah. That.
Oops! Work! Going!
may 3, 2002
okay, so i've been thinking. maybe over the summer i should offer to do some website design for anyone who needs something done. not like i'll get anybody, but you know it's an idea. i'd have to develop a plan now though. like set up a webpage for it and get it on search engines.
i just want to do some random projects, but i don't really have the time or energy to do it right now. i did help out kevin with the new sooperfriends design. but i didn't have to do a whole lot... but yeah. i should think about that.
i did start designing a website for my art portfolio, maybe i can make it a page off of that? hmm yeah.
so if anyone out there needs any sort of artwork or design done for a website this summer, let me know. hell, if it's something small let me know now.
uh oh. it's that no doubt video. for "hella good". i know i'm lame, but... i kind of like this song. and the video has soom good imagery in it. i still don't like gwen all that much. but the video is all black and white, and some of the images are just really cool... ugh. i'm such a dork.
but i guess i should go to bed. i'm kinda tired i guess,... i dunno.
oh, and it was funny.. i got my latest drawing critiqued a bit today. i don't know if i talked about it in here, but it's chalk pastels on velour paper, and the picture has a glass of water and a few bluish pills in the foreground on a table, and then a bed behind them with a pinkish pillow and turqoise-ish blanket. anyhow, people did comment on the mood of the drawing, so i did kind of get that across. but they weren't clear on what the mood exactly was. someone guessed insomnia. not quite, although that's a good logical guess. it was actually characterizing my own personal depression. when i'm depressed, i just want to sleep. because when i'm asleep, i don't have to deal with the real world. surely you understand. anyhow, i have a bottle of tylenol pm. and the night i came up with the idea, i took one for some kind of pain before bed, i forget what it was. so yeah i was just sitting there looking at these blue pills. if i ever got incredibly, horribly depressed.. i might just take a bunch and sleep for a while. i wouldn't kill myself with them but... to not kill myself would take some prior knowledge of tylenol pm. but yeah, i don't think i'll ever get to quite that point. i'll probably just be a normal person and have a drink when i get depressed. ha. normal. a normal alcoholic. naw, i won't be an alcoholic. even though some people might think i would be. see, i have a limit. i don't believe in getting drunk. i think it's dumb. i don't want to drink so much that i get sick, or do something stupid, or feel horrible in the morning. that's just dumb. and i've done fine so far. even when i am 21, i have a feeling i'll be just fine.
so yeah. bedtime for me.
i wish i talked to melisa more. she's graduating at the end of this year. and i'm so socially retarded, i never really say much during the 5 minutes or so that i do see her... well usually anyhow. blah. i'm going to bed.
may 1, 2002
oh, you bastard. someone subtracted a karma point for my blues brothers entry.
don't even try to tell me that movie isn't cool.
so yeah um... sorry no posts. i guess i haven't really felt like writing anything lately. busy being depressed and trying to do homework. college is fun!
but seriously. you know, the people giving me karma points? say hi once in a while. i like comments too. i encourage any and all communication with me through my journal.
not that i'm complaining or anything. i'm just saying.
yeah my allergies are killing me today, and i have some more stuff to do... reading and that. so i guess i'd better go and do that.