june 30, 2002
So, there's this online tea leaf reading I tried, and here's what my reading was:
"Everyone understands that burning wood produces fire. But when fire feeds on fire, that is a rare condition that yields the greatest illumination. Two flames come together and yield light more magnificent than either could have given forth alone.
~ Deng Ming-Dao, "365 Tao"
Fire feeding on fire.
Once in awhile you meet someone who inspires you, who pushes you to greater heights, who helps you to accomplish things you may never have been able to accomplish alone.
Nourish the spark.
Cherish the partnership.
Fan the flame."
Hmm. I can think of a couple people who that could apply to. At least, in that they inspire/push/help me in regards to my music. Hm. Oh well. Fire on fire. I dig it.
june 29, 2002
Well I'll be a monkey's uncle. I was looking at my journal stats. I have 14 comments apparently. That's... kind of depressing. Considering I have like 130+ entries. Anyhow. I found the 14th! And it's from Lauren! High School Lauren! Wow. How did I not see that? I don't know. Well, it was on an entry from May. Hm.
On another subject, one I was speaking of in just the previous post, I think if I had a list of the hardest things to say to certain people, this would be one:
"Hey, we should hang out sometime."
Ha. It's times like these where I really feel like a super-nerd. :X
Okay, I'm going to go hide. Goodnight.
Oh yeah,
And the Steven show was great :D
I had such fun with Peggy, we got to talk a lot.
Oak Park seems nice.
I really like Suz Harrison's voice.
Everytime I listen to my Steven tape now, or one of the songs pop in my head,
I'm like,
Hey, I saw them play live finally! Wow!
So, now, I need to see them with their drummer,
Who is supposed to be going to my school in the fall.
Because I wonder how it sounds with drums.
Peggy said she had to stop herself from singing along, haha :D
I would have too, but I'm much too shy to even get the urge to sing along in public.
So, I have a wav I made through Acid Pro 3.0. sheesh it sounds worse than the way I did it before... oh well. I think it's the microphone. Sounds so tinny. It's just a computer microphone. Oh well.
I think I should just learn to use the four track better first.
Some of it is good I suppose, I'm just so critical of my own recordings. And my own songs. And my own voice. Ack. I'm not cut out to be a musician, yet I still want to be. What a predicament.
But yeah, I have mp3s of some of my songs, I think I said that already... I guess if anyone wants a listen, just ask. I was hesitant to let anyone listen because I want them to sound really good when I finally let anyone hear them... but oh well. That'll come in time. When Kevin gets back online I'll send them to him or something. Yeah. He can let me know what he thinks.
Okay, I'm done.
Okay, new topic, new entry. I was thinking about something a little more serious today too.
I was thinking about my social attitudes. I guess that's what you would call them. I'm a very Internet type of person. I like the idea of getting to talk to people without visual first impressions. I like feeling more comfortable saying whatever's on my mind. I feel more confident when I'm online, whether that's a false feeling or not. I just think, why worry about what I'm saying? What are they going to do to me? But in real life, it's completely different for me.. Anyhow, that's not my point.
So, I'm someone who benefits from the anonymity of the internet. I can be a little different than I really am. But, I realized something today. That I don't think you can ever REALLY know someone just from talking on the internet. I know, some people would argue that. That's fine. But for me, I just feel like I don't ever really know someone unless I get the chance to talk with someone face to face once in a while. And I think you drift away from people when you can't see them. Or at least that things don't feel as real. Like, that your friendship seems kind of.. well, fictional. Not as real. Whatever. I can really say I know my friend Sara for a couple reasons. First, we've known eachother a LONG time. We've had plenty of time to learn about eachother. Second, we didn't even start talking on the computer until just recently, so we've had to use phone contact and face to face contact. And I think that's the most important thing I need in friendships. And sometimes I don't get it. And when I think about it, I feel like the people I only know over the internet are the ones I feel I don't know well enough, or the ones that I feel like I drift away from more easily. It has nothing to do with how much I like them, so if any of them are reading this and are confused or something, just know that. I may like them tons and enjoy talking to them, but it just seems so... distant. Because it's like you're talking to the computer, not them I guess?
Well, anyhow. I started thinking about that, because I was thinking about how much.. of a right I guess I have to feeling certain things when it comes to friendships. Like, with certain people, should I or shouldn't I want the friendship to be a little different. Not different bad, I mean different good. Like... better. Argh, I'm not explaining this well, am I? Well, let's just say with some of my friendships, I want more out of them... I guess. That sounds selfish, but I don't mean it that way. The best way I can say it is that I want them to be better friendships. I've noticed that the more I see someone, the better the friendship seems.
But, I wonder if I should want that? Like, I don't want to force someone to be good friends with me and all that if.. if they don't really want to. Or if they can't. Or something. Part of it is I'm so shy about things like that. I don't usually make a move unless the person is already a good friend. Like I can ask Sara or Peggy to hang out because I totally know they'd want to, and I already know they're good friends. But with other people, it's like... well, I don't know if that's what they want out of the friendship. Or if they even think about it at all. Probably not, because I know I think too much about that sort of thing. Hell, I think too much about who exactly I could call a "friend" even. Ha. I'm such a dork. Socially retarded maybe? Haha. I don't know.
But, well, I do think about these things. And I think I have some right to some kind of answers to some of my questions. Right? Maybe. I hope I do, because it sure would be nice to have some kind of clue. Ha, that rhymes.
Man, being shy sucks sometimes. I have this tension in my stomach that seems to stop me from making moves and speaking up. Even online. But in person, there's just so much more I'd like to say or do, but I don't, or I don't get the chance even.. Hm.
I know I seem like such a bitch sometimes on here. But I tend to care a lot about certain people, sometimes a little more than maybe I should, or maybe more than they'd like, or maybe more than they do.. yeah. Ack. That's why I'm mean sometimes online, I get frustrated with things like this I guess.
Then again, I think, what more could I ask for from some people who just don't have the time or energy to deal with me? And then I just decide to be glad with what I have and try my hardest not to feel too bad.
Well, that's enough on this. It's tiring and somewhat confusing to think in circles. But,
Maybe I'm just being silly.
I admit it, I have road rage. I'm not the most fun person to be in a car with. Well... unless you find my road rage amusing. Or unless I'm not pissed off at anything. Although that's subjective.
Anyhow, I got sooo mad today on the way home because I was on this 2 way street, 1 lane each way. And I was doing the speed limit, which was like 55. And this asshole in some kind of SUV actually PASSED ME. Why? So I start at it, tailing him until he turned, swearing the whole way. By the way, I curse like a sailor when I'm mad. I try not to do it so much when someone else is in the car (especially my 16 year old sister) but I was alone, so there was no limit to my vulgar vocabulary.
Bah! I despise SUVs. And stupid drivers who don't think 55 is fast enough.
Luckily, I have a limit to my road rage. I won't actually endanger myself or my car. I just want to scare/piss off the person who pissed me off.
Another thing that really gets to me is when a lane is ending, and people speed up and take it right to the end JUST to get in front of everyone. And there are a bunch of places around here that happens at. You know these people are from here and that they know that lane is ending. And that they probably do this ALL the time. So, I try my hardest not to let them do what they're trying to do. I'd rather run them off the road. It's funny when they have the nerve to beep at you. I just give them the finger and keep driving, all the while calling them filthy names. Haha I'm making myself sound so bad.
Oh, and I'm also not one of those drivers who uses the car horn. I somehow forget it's there. I just yell. That's how my mom is too. One day, I hope I get to really lay on the horn at somebody. That would require me remembering it's right there to use.
Some friends and I were talking about how great it would be if you had a foghorn sound for a car horn. Like, you're in this regular car, and then when someone does something stupid, you blast it and they freak out. The look on their face would be priceless. Either that, or having a loudspeaker on top of your car, so you could really stick it to them.
Not that I'm a great driver who never makes mistakes. Wow, no. But some people are just assholes, and you know it. I'm just a little ditzy sometimes when I'm distracted.
june 27, 2002
Wow. Today has been soo odd.
Well, Peggy and me are hitting up the Steven show tomorrow!! Yay!! I get to give her her birthday present a few days early too :D I'm extremely happy. I'm so excited. It's going to be great, I just know it :)
Funniest thing in the world.. I was already in a great mood tonight. Then, I was playing Inklink on Shockwave. Usually I don't talk to anyone. Tonight I was just so happy I started talking... then all of a sudden I got like 820 points.. my highest. Then, I find out I'm in the room alone with 3 guys who all start hitting on me hardcore. One's like, "Do you have a boyfriend?" and I say yeah so he says "Want another one?" and then the rest of the guys say, "or a second? or a third?" It was fun. Nothing dirty. Nothing serious. They're all internet guys, I so don't take that seriously. I was just like, "ha... yeah that's nice". Then I had to leave and this one guy was like, "no wait I'll draw you a picture" and he drew "I <3 Rachel". That's cute. But I was all like, Hey I have a boyfriend. Even if i didn't... internet people are too creepy usually. I mean, it's different if you already know someone and you talk online. But yeah.
Hehe you have to understand, I don't get hit on a lot online. I don't get hit on ever in real life I don't think... except by Kevin :D That's so much fun. It's like, we've been together for a while now so he can say goofy pickup lines to me that everyone knows wouldn't work on a stranger. Hehe.
Anyhow. Haha Kevin, don't get scared, this doesn't ever happen to me except for tonight :D I know you already think every guy in the world is out to steal me from you, but don't worry. I won't fall for someone just because he can write out "I <3 Rachel" in Inklink. That's too easy. You can BEAT me at Inklink :D Now that's cool.
Yeah so I'm a nerd and someday I'm going to own the Buffy Xbox game, and tomorrow is a full day and it's going to rock,.. RAH I can't wait :D hehe. Peggy, Steven, Chris, acoustic guitars, my mom's car, a cafe,.. I think my head's going to explode. This is fantastic. WHOO!
june 25, 2002
So, there's this thing I saw in someone else's journal that I tried. You put your name and the word "is" in quotes. So like, "Rachel is". And there's this one thing that came up that's basically counseling through the Catholic church for people who have experienced abortions and need someone to talk to. It's called Project Rachel. Hm. Here's some other things that came up.
Rachel is... an open-source resource loading toolkit
Rachel is... programme co-ordinator for the MMus (Musicology) and PGDip programmes
Rachel is... a dork.
Rachel is... familiar with aliens
Rachel is... worth watching
Rachel is... an award winning international songwriter and performing artist. (HA!)
Rachel is... out tonight.
Rachel is... dull.
Rachel is... recommended
Rachel is... surely one of the prettiest actresses in the movie industry
Rachel is... enjoying a well-earned "overnight success."
Rachel is... 30 today.
Rachel is... just a scatter of mobile homes (So, there's a Rachel, Nevada near Area 51. Huh.)
Rachel is... on the "extraterrestrial highway" (Hahaha)
Rachel is... pretty sweet also
Ah well, This has gone on long enough. That's neat to do though.
Today wasn't incredibly productive. But it was alright.
Last night, I was up late trying to plan out a trip to the Art Institute for Kevin and me. I was going to get up at 9:30am, because my friend Sara was supposed to call me at 10 and then she'd come over here and pick me up, and we'd go to the temp agency. Hey, did I forget to tell Kevin about what I'm explaining now? Oh well, hopefully I'll remember tomorrow. Anyhow, I woke up for 5 seconds at 9:30, then woke up at 11:30. Thinking I'd missed Sara's call, (the phone in my room doesn't ring cause it's an old circle dial phone I got at a thrift store) I got up really quickly and ran downstairs to see the caller ID. She hadn't called. So, I called her, and she was still asleep. Needless to say, we didn't go to the temp agency today. We're going Wednesday. I have such a full week! I love it!
Anyhow, so I took my sister to see that Scooby Doo movie. We both knew it wasn't going to be great, but we had to see it. Well, it's wasn't GREAT. But I think some of the previews hurt me more than the movie itself. Youch. Anyhow, I think it was worth it to see Sugar Ray as the evil demon-possessed rock band on Spooky Island. Fucking Sugar Ray. Blech. Plus, I like Sarah Michelle Gellar. You'd think I'd only like her in Buffy, but I don't. I like her in her other movies too. So yeah.
Speaking of bad music, I went through my CDs today. ::shudder::. I was putting inserts back in, and putting CDs I don't really listen to often in their holders. And trying to figure out what CDs to get rid of. You wouldn't believe how much yucky music I still have. I'm determined to make a few bucks off of it.
But, I did find something interesting. I knew I had this CD called Dillinquents or something, that had an old Skallops (pre-First Grade Crush) song on it. But I had forgotten what the song was. Well, turns out, I probably look like dumb. One of the songs on their newest album is a remake of that old Skallops song. That's so funny. Well, in my defense, I hadn't listened to the Dilliquents CD in a while, plus I have a horrible memory. But that was kind of neat. I also listened to this other CD I have, Everything Offbeat, which has another Skallops song on it, a pre-FGC version of Traffic Light Eyes. It's actually pretty good, being an older recording and all. I was surprised.
So this week = fun stuff. Today, the Scooby Doo movie. Tomorrow, Kevin and I are going to hang out and rent a movie or something. Wednesday Sara and I are going to that temp agency, and I'm hoping I can convince Sara to come with me to at least Rossi Music so I can look at some acoustic electric guitars in person. Maybe the Guitar Center, if she feels up to it... There is that other place, I forget the name. Anyhow. The Guitar Center is a last resort, because of how they seem to treat female customers. Everytime we've been in there, they kind of ignore us. But if a guy walks in with you, the employees are like "hey, how's it going, can I help you, etc". To the guy. It's not fun. We have gotten talked to a couple times, but it's rare. So it's kind of awkward to go in there. But you know what, for how many years Sara and I have been saying "Fuck 'em, they're assholes" we still can't go in without being anxious. That bites.
Oh, anyhow. Ha. Then Thursday, is the Steven show. I'm getting very psyched. It's my first time seeing them live. Plus I get to see a couple other acoustic acts. I did tell Sara she could come with, I think I'll remind her on Wednesday. I really hope Peggy finds out if she can go or not too. Maybe if Steven plays that Shins show in Champaign, I'll kidnap Peggy and make her come with me and Kevin so she can see them, ha. Yeah, I dunno. But I'm very excited. I just can't seem to find out what time the show is at. I called the Cafe like 4 times today and every single time I got a recording saying they were on the other line. Sheesh! That's crazy. So,- Oh! I just remembered. I was thinking tomorrow about asking Kevin if he wanted to drive up there real quick tomorrow and just ask in person... but I guess I should just keep calling and calling. Damn people being on the phone.
So okay, that's it for now, I just thought I'd update.
Oh, then July 1st is this Monday. That's my uncle's, Peggy's and Sara's sister's birthday. I know my uncle's party is Saturday. Becky, (Sara's sister), I don't know if she's doing anything or what my sister is getting her. (They're friends). Peggy, well, I can't really talk about that just in case she reads this :D I don't know if she does, I doubt it actually, I don't even know if I've ever linked her to it. But I'm still not taking the risk!
Ack, my head hurts. I need sleep. Goodnight.
june 21, 2002
So yeah, I joined The Google Challenge. So if I have some weird entries in here, you'll have to understand, I'm doing all for that.
You all know that joke, right? About the elephant? Painting it's toenails?
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
I don't know, why?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree before.
Works well, doesn't it?
Har har. Anyhow, thinking about that joke also made me wonder what elephant's toes really looked like. I mean.. are there really toes? I know when you drew them as a kid, you drew the toenails, and the big circular elephant feet. But... do elephant toes look like our toes? Or like.. similar? Well, being an internet junkie, I decided to look for myself online.
Along the way, I found this cute string of jokes:
Q: How do you get an elephant to the top of an oak tree?
A: Plant an acorn under him and wait 50 years.
Q: What if I don't want to wait 50 years?
A: Put a parachute on the elephant and drop him from an elecopter.
Q: How do you get an elephant down from an oak tree?
A: Tell him to sit on a leaf and wait until autumn.
Q: Why are alligators long and flat?
A: They must have gotten too close to the oak tree.
So, on to discovering more about the elephant's anatomy. As with all animals, there are some strange facts you're bound to discover. We know some stuff about elephant's tusks. But on this webpage I found, it says "One of the elephant's tusks is often used more than the other (i.e. the parallel in humans is right handed and left handed people)". Now that's kind of weird. You know they have to look goofy when they're doing that.
Elephant's noses... not too much of a mystery. We've all seen Dumbo. But, check this out...
I now know how to tell the difference between an African elephant and an Asian elephant. The African elephant's trunk has two "fingers" while the Asian has one. Interesting. Apparently, it's also their most sensitive organ, and when they're in captivity, that's where people beat them. Fun. Those people deserve to be trampled on and squished between the elephant's toes. Speaking of, I'll do that next.
Here we learn the truth!
"The only evidence of an elephant's five toes buried within the flesh of the foot are the toe nails. Actually, the toe nails are cornified shields in the skin and are not attached to the fingers/digits. Interestingly, not all of the toes have nails either."
So they do have toes, but inside of their foot. That makes more sense.
More fun facts about elephants (I'm gonna learn you good!):
- The elephant´s foot is formed in such a way that it is essentially walking on tiptoe, with a tough and fatty part of connective tissue for the sole
- This spongy "shock absorber" helps an elephant to move silently
- Each elephant's ear is unique and is used as a a type of fingerprint for identification
- Ears are used to regulate body temperature
- The natural skin colour is greyish black, but the apparent colour is determined by the soil of the land (this is caused by the elephant throwing mud over its back.
- The elephant is among the more intelligent animals
- The brain of the elephant is larger than any other land mammal and it is located in the back of the skull well away from the forehead
- The African elephant´s ears act as a heat radiator. Similar to a human sweating and a dog panting the elephant´s ears have large arteries and veins near the skin on the back of the ear that pump blood through a filter of networked capillaries as the ears fan.
See? You learn a lot when you sign up for The Google Challenge. Well, you can. If you do it my way. I prefer my way. Because at least I feel like I'm doing something instead of just sitting around waiting to get a job.
But, tomorrow I'm going with one of my friends to a temp agency, so THEY can find us jobs. Yep. So things should be all good soon. Hopefully. I need to find my White Stripes tickets...
june 19, 2002
Jessica,
I'd throw it all away
Just for the chance
To see you today
To see you smile
To gaze into your eyes,
Your Traffic Light Eyes
That's not an insult,
That's just a name
For the raddest green eyes
I've ever seen
I waited 5 months to meet you there
I'd wait 5 million years to meet you anywhere
Jessica
You may be Less Than Jake
But the things you bring out in me
I just can't fake
One smile, that's enough for me to say
Who was that t-shirt girl anyway?
-----------
Sometimes memories are the only things that make me happy. Depression + A couple really good memories can usually = Feeling better.
Spring/Summer before College;
The end of an era
Stuck in education limbo for a couple months
My swing dance partner and I
Learning short hair doesn't look good on me.
First Grade Crush
Various shows/concerts
Bad experience with one person
Meeting two of the coolest people, cancelling out the bad vibes.
People finally learning I could sing/write songs.
My English teacher hearing my first demo tape
And liking it.
Other tape exchanges.
Leaving my high school and not being sad about it for one fucking second.
Yeah, there's a lot of good stuff. Crazy heart in a summer way. I'm out of here.
june 15, 2002
My toes are a little cold. That's probably because the air is on and I just took a shower. It's nice. My room's been warm all day.
I got all my clothes off the floor. I need more hangers. That's first on my list for next week. More bobby pins is second. I lost the thing I had full of them. Bah.
No job yet.
I'm kind of hungry. I only had two pieces of pizza for dinner. I was stressed out, so I wasn't that hungry. Maybe I'll have some of this new ice cream I got. I forget what it's called, but it has vanilla ice cream swirled with raspberry sorbet. It's my new favorite. I love stuff like that.
But, back upstairs for me I guess. Gotta keep trying to make everything I own fit.
So.. I don't know. You people out there, who don't talk to me that often (you know who you are).. You should email me or something. Or call. Or whatever.
I'll be back later, I'm sure.
So, today I recorded.. I think 4 of my songs on the computer. Just cause I can. I also tried covering this one Veruca Salt song, but it was the first time I'd ever played it, so it kinda sucked. Eh, whatever. I have a bunch of songs I'd want to cover. But, the other 4 songs came out good. Except one of them, kind of puts a cramp in my fingers, so that one probably doesn't sound as good, but the quality is good I'd say.
Crap. Why am I even talking about this, huh? What the hell do you care? What the hell do I care? I don't know, but I must care if I'm bothering with this. Or else I'm just completely empty inside and I convince myself this fills that void.
I waited all of Spring term for summer. I thought, it'll be great. No dorm. No class. No walking everywhere. Air conditioning. Hanging out with Sara. While all that may be true, I forgot that I get just as depressed at home as I do at school. Especially when I don't have a job. I feel so completely useless. I'm bored. I'm restless. I'm stagnant. The only things I can do are clean my room and do things online. And sleep.
Effort? Who's ever heard of that? Yeah. Well, I don't know what else to say. I can't solve this right now. There are no answers here. I can't say, "Well! I'll motivate myself and blah blah blah and tomorrow I'll do this and this and this, etc etc". I just don't feel it. I feel like shit. I feel like I don't have a whole lot going for me right now, and that maybe tomorrow I shouldn't do anything. I should just sleep all fucking day and cry in my bed and make myself sick. But then again, that makes me sound pathetic and sad, maybe I shouldn't describe how depressed I get. No one will want to talk to me. Not that many do now anyhow, but you know.
Aaaand there goes my boyfriend, off to bed. I should go too, before I sink lower and get suicidal I suppose.
I just want to go to bed at night feeling like something is going right. But I rarely feel that way. Last night was an exception I think.
Maybe if I could at least throw out more of that shit in my room, I could feel better. Get my room clean. I'd feel like I can actually do something. But no. I can't get a job, I can't write more than 4 songs, I have like 2 friends I actually can see whenever our schedules allow, I have like one or two other friends I don't see nearly enough. Because of distance. I can't make myself feel happy about any decisions I make, when I can clear my mind enough to make them. I don't feel proud of majoring in psychology. I feel like a fucking heel. I feel worthless and bored and meaningless. My life is a broken record, and it's driving me insane. I can't stand repetition like that.
Okay, so whatever. If anyone has any advice, feel free to leave it here. Or just tell it right to me. Or, just ignore me and maybe the problem will go away and you won't have to pity me anymore.
june 14, 2002
I think I'm more excited because now it's officially up on the Steven website, but I can't wait for June 27. I finally get to see them live and hear new songs and stuff. I've been listening to this tape Chris gave me for 2 years now! It's so great that they're playing more shows up here. Everyone should like them. It's beautiful acoustic music. With drums now, although they won't be there the 27th. But it's some good stuff. Right, Peggy?
Peggy may not be able to go. We'll see. Maybe I'll kidnap her anyways. Maybe she should bring her godson with her, haha. He'll like it.
But yeah, I'm hungry and I've been advised to get some sleep sometime. I think that sounds good. I have to get up and bring back another application tomorrow before bringing my sister to work and then going all the way down to Lockport to visit Kevin. Busy Friday! But in a good way. Then Saturday maybe I'll relax and Sunday is Father's Day. More craziness.
I also just found out Sara has a Smoothie machine. I don't know how different it is from just a blender, but who cares! It's an excuse to leave my house AND make Smoothies. Fantastic. I think I like Smoothies better than shakes. Yes, definitely. Mmmm. I wish I had one now. Maybe I'll make one tomorrow. Mmmm.
I am in a pretty good mood though. Sara and I used my four track (She was giving it back to me, but I went over there so we played with it) and we recorded one of my songs and she helped with it by adding a sort of melody to it, and some background vocals. I think I'd like to play with it a bit more, and change the sound of the rhythm guitar, (I didn't have my acoustic with me) but it was cool. I really like the melody/solo/whatever she made up. It's very good. See Sara, it's very good! :D And I actually didn't cringe too much when I heard my own voice! Not that it's that bad, it's just that thing, you know. How you hear your own voice from inside your head all day, then when you hear it recorded, you think it doesn't sound like you or that it sounds weird because you're hearing it differently. It's all in your head.
I also got a Heathers DVD for $10 today. I'm such a dork, but it's a good movie.
ACK! Sleep.
june 10, 2002
Like most summers, I am already miserable. When I'm at home, I don't do a whole lot. So I feel like shit. That makes me do less. And then I end up places like this, writing bullshit in journals and all that.
I do have things to do. How much I want to do them comes into question, and all of a sudden it's 10pm on a monday night and I haven't decided anything yet.
I could be writing articles for my website. I could be getting rock goddess' files and fixing them up. I could be working on my portfolio site. I could be looking for band websites to redesign. I could be out with someone. I could be cleaning my room, for real. Oh well. Once I have a job, maybe I'll be able to kick myself a little harder to get going on things.
Cleaning my room is such a complex process, that it makes me sick and excited at the same time. I have so much SHIT and I have to go through all of it every time to try and make just a little more room for all the new things I've acquired. I am a pack rat. I'm messy. I'm disorganized. It's disgusting and I hate it. Cause then I go to other people's houses and other people's rooms, and see how nice and clean or at least organized everything is. They don't have a lot, so even if it isn't organized it still doesn't look HALF as bad as my room. I'm a sick sick individual. I keep anything that I have significant memories attached to. I only use half the clothes I own, if even that. I can't organize anything I have for my life. If I ever do organize it, it doesn't stay that way. Why am I even bothering to complain about this? Because I suck.
Plain and simple, I make myself sick sometimes, and I think in times like these going to bed early is always a good idea. So I'll take that into consideration.
Summer's the time where we're supposed to be lazy. But I feel dirty and disgusting when I'm lazy. Why anyone wants to be friends with me and talk to me, I have no idea... all I do is complain and whine and talk about how bad of a person I am. Right? Yeah whatever.
I need to stay away from the internet more. Maybe it's a good thing that all the people I wrote emails to didn't write me back. Then I won't expect anything waiting for me here, and I won't want to be on the computer at all and I'll actually get other things done.
Thanks a lot, FRIENDS. The few, the cherished, who act like I'm not here and thereby help me to not want to be here anymore. I guess I should be grateful.
june 9, 2002
So it's been a few days since I last posted. Updates? Well I moved back home Wednesday afternoon. Did stuff. Thursday I got up at 9am (was supposed to be 8am) to go out to breakfast with my family before they went to Wisconsin. Then Thursday night.. I don't remember. I may have set up my music stuff downstairs. My acoustic guitar, stereo, microphone, etc. Practiced a bit. Oh, went out for a little while and got myself 2 new items of clothing and hair dye. Not that you care about that, but.. yeah.
Friday I spent recording some of my songs, playing video games, and hanging out with my pretty much best friend in the whole world, Sara. We don't see a lot of eachother because of school, but it's summer now and hopefully we'll get to hang out tons. So she came over and stayed the night. We jammed and used the karaoke feature on my stereo. I tried to play drums to this song she wanted to karaoke to and record, by Drain STH. Strangely, Sara said I sounded better than the girl in the band... whatever :D I'm not good at drums at all. I can keep a beat, and I have fair coordination, but I don't really know anything about it. I just fool around. It's my sister's kit. She has drum tabs for Weezer's "Buddy Holly". That's neat.
Then, we watched this HORRIBLE movie called Lady of the Lake Friday night (very late). It wasn't one of those GOOD bad horror movies, it was legitimately bad. We seem to have that kind of luck. This movie was a horror movie/romance trying to be a soft porn. Very strange and very bad. Horrid effects. Ridiculous story... I'm still not entirely sure what went on, to be honest.
Then, I woke up at about 9am this morning and started doing things, and Kevin came over about noon, and Sara left when he came. Then we went and saw this guy, (I forget his name) talk at a Borders allll the way up in Norridge (which is more than 47 minutes away Yahoo!, you fucking whore). The guy talked about haunted places in Chicago, some of which I'd never heard about before. It was neat. There's this building downtown that kind of looks like an armchair (it's an opera house or something) and apparently it was made to purposely look like an armchair. And it's like... facing away from these certain businesses and city hall or something, because the guy who had it built didn't like how crooked the businessmen and politicians were in Chicago at the time, and he respected the working man and stuff, so he made it face.. West maybe? I forget. Anyhow. It's a neat story.
Kevin and I hung out the rest of the night, playing card games and shit like that. Tomorrow I'm going to Sara's youngest sister's 8th grade graduation. Full weekend huh? Yup. Then Monday, I have to call this library here that I applied to and see if they made a decision yet. If they did and it's not me, I'm going over to Staffmark. Yes, a temp agency. I don't care, I like meaningless office jobs to a point. I just need a job really badly. I want to save money up for an acoustic electric this summer.
I think that's about it. I'm exhausted from taking allergy medicine earlier, my throat is dry from only drinking coffee at the restaurant I was just at, and... like I said I'm exhausted and I have more stuff to do tomorrow. But first, I have to clean off my bed so I can sleep on it. Goddamn.
Goodnight everyone, hope you're all having fun.
june 5, 2002
So, I'm watching Family Ties, as usual. And this particular episode is about racism. The Keaton's friends, the Thompsons, are a black family who move into the neighborhood. And of course, there are those in their neighborhood who are racist. Well, I won't get into the details, because it's a typical "racism is bad" show. Not that that's bad! I think it's great.
However!
I noticed something very hypocritical. At the same time that they were spouting out lines about fighting for certain rights and how bad racists are, Elise Keaton was wearing a Cleveland Indians shirt with that cartoon Indian on the sleeve. Meanwhile, I'm writing my Native American Religion final. That's fucked up. Indian mascots like that are just as bad as racism towards African Americans. We're so focused on black/white issues that many people forget that Native Americans (and other nationalities!) are still discriminated against. In fact, there are few people in our country that couldn't be discriminated against. Most people more than once. For example, I'm Polish. I'm also of a non-Christian religion. There are two things that I can be discriminated against for. There are more, I'm sure. Like just being a girl.
But the point is people, I can discriminate against you the same way you discriminate against other people; probably multiple times. Then you can see how fun it is.
I'm out. I'm tired. I'm finishing my final about how modernity and the adoption of Native American religious practices by non-Natives, and how this affects Indians. I'm kicking ass.