july 31, 2002
New haircut. Yeehaw. More photos in the future maybe, I still have some left over from before that I didn't show.
You know it's just for those times where I don't have anything else to say, right? right.
july 30, 2002
I've come to the conclusion that I'm so incredibly unclever that it depresses me.
Maybe that's why I like funny people so much. They make up for my lack of purposeful funny.
I'm not counting stupid things I do and say that are funny because that's funny in a bad way. That's like, "God, you poor dumb clutzy airheaded girl" funny. Yeah.
I feel like I should be happier. I refuse to ever believe I need my brain chemistry remixed, but once in a while I feel some way that I know I shouldn't feel. I don't know.
I am so freaking tired right now.
Yeah.. yeah I'm working on a new website idea. I'm not sure if this is good or bad. Let's see, one new website... a new design for my journal.. and now this. All in one summer. One long, jobless summer. Sigh.
I cut my lip on an envelope the other day. That's so not cool. I didn't think I actually did but now there's a cut wound on my upper lip. It doesn't hurt too much though.
I went to the bestest temp agency in the world today. They may not get me a job, but they were nice and quick and didn't jerk me around. Plus I got to take a typing test, and so I found out how fast I type, do alphanumeric entry and numeric data entry. Well, I've got a couple more numbers to add on to my "I'm proud to have this attributed to me" list of numbers. Which includes my college GPA and my ACT score.
I type 87 words a minute with a 1% error. Surprised? Maybe not.. look at my super long entries. Hm.
I also type 10,000+ keystrokes per hour for alphanumeric data entry which is apparently really good. I also do a little under 6,000 keystrokes per hour for numeric data entry. So I file well, I have above average skills at putting numbers and words/letters in order from shelving books, I'm mega-comfortable with computers, I type like there's no tomorrow, I love data entry, I can handle monotonous repetitive tasks like I almost love them, I learn quickly, I never complain... Kick ass. I'm an office manager's wet dream.
Yikes, did I say that?
Anyhow, I also took tests on Microsoft Word and Excel. I did okay, considering I didn't know Word and Excel could do half the things that I was asked to make them do. Yeesh! But the woman I talked to said that I did really well and she was impressed. I haven't felt that in a while. The older I get, I find the less I impress people.
Except one of the first nights I spent at North Central.. I was sitting outside with this girl I met, and these people she knew came up and talked to us. And they started talking ACT scores (because we were dorky stupid freshman) and this one guy was acting a little cocky about his, saying it was probably the highest in.. the freshman class maybe? Yeah. And I was like "Nuh-uh" and boy did I show him.
Funniest thing, is I hated talking about my ACT score in high school. I was a little embarrassed. Plus I hated the stigma that you get when a number like that is attached to you. I am proud of it, but it's still like.. "I don't want to talk about it because then people will think I'm self-centered, that I'm rubbing it in their faces, or that I'm trying to put them down by building myself up". Yeah. I hate thinking people are going to feel that way by knowing something like that :\ Not that they should, by any means. No. They shouldn't. I mean.. all they have to do is listen to me talk and they'll feel better than they did in the first place. I'm just a complete nut.
Haha. This guy in my art class that I had a crush on even had a name for me that involved my ACT score. It was cute. Not really mean, I don't think. Just to kind of tease me. But then stuff happened and I didn't like him anymore... oh well.
So okay, bed. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeed. Shit. I have to stop staying up late.
july 28, 2002
The sky looks like a grey piece of construction paper.
I wish someone would paint some ink clouds on it.
I don't know if the dye worked yet. Hair's still wet.
Wadded up balls of paper on the floor,
For every boy I thought I loved before.
Random rimshot, star wipe and out.
Well, I did it today. I went and got my hair cut. And... it's not what I thought it would be, but it's.. very.. neat! I know I like it, I just am a little surprised at how things worked out.
The woman at the salon was great, she wrestled with my thick hair to put layers in it. So, I have a bunch of hair weight lifted off my head which is nice for summer. Also, something interesting happened. I did pull my hair back when I got home so it would dry straighter/smoother, but it didn't really take. And it didn't really matter, because this cut actually makes my hair look really nice when it's doing it's wavy thing. So... I'm thinking about letting my hair air dry tomorrow. At least a little bit. I'll see if it works out right. Maybe that pulling back did do a little something... Anyhow. It's just very interesting that I actually like the way it looks right now. Because for the past..... year maybe? More? I've been obsessed with smoothing it down and keeping it straight.
The problem with that, is my hair is a) thick and b) wavy. So it's hard. Ha, I think some people will be a little surprised, because not many people have seen how wavy my hair can get. When I was younger it wasn't too bad. Then it went crazy. My mom did perm my hair when I was a kid a couple times, but that's not the same thing... Well. So yes, this is interesting :) I'm sorry I'm being so boring and going on and on about it, but you have to understand this is a new thing to me.
I'm also trying out the semi permanent dye I bought when I shower tomorrow. So we'll just see how well it works on already red hair. Hopefully it'll do SOMETHING. At LEAST cover my roots.
Hm. I was just thinking about something someone said to me today that kind of bothered me. I can't decide which side to take on it. Although I think I know which one I will take.
My cousin's wife told me the dentist's office in the building she works in (which is my dentist's office) is hiring receptionists. So, I'm going to go this week to apply. She also mentioned to me that I shouldn't wear black when I go either for the interview, or even for the application... whatever. Anyways, the point is she told me I shouldn't wear black because they'd think I was goth. Now... this bothers me for a couple different reasons.
1) That's a stereotype. Just because someone wears black, doesn't make them a goth. It makes them someone who wears black. No, that doesn't = goth because I'm NOT goth.
2) WHO CARES IF I WAS? They can't refuse to hire me just because of that. I understand that dressing nicely is part of certain jobs, and that's fine. But now the COLOR of your nice clothes matters too?? What the hell has gone wrong with this world?
You know, I know why she said that. Because I have black and red hair. It's such bull though.
I am an excellent employee. I work quickly and efficiently, I ask questions, I'm a fast learner, I'm eager to do my job as well I can and I never ever lie, cheat or steal to/from my job. I make myself really EARN that fucking paycheck. But somehow, that's all cancelled out if they don't like the way I LOOK? What the fuck is that? Oh, are they going to toss my application out right away just because I'm not some twig-like blonde girl with a huge rack? Or maybe because my eyes aren't the right shade of blue or green or whatever? Or maybe because I put stripes in my hair, or because I wear a Hello Kitty watch or because I'm only 19 and in college and I probably do drugs and party on the weekends. Yeah, BULLSHIT. They can shove it, I'll come in there however I damn well please and if they have a problem with it, it's their loss. I can find a job fine. I don't need to cater to someone else's idea of what a good worker looks like.
So yeah. A big fuck you going out to Grove Dental and any other potential employers out there who have a problem with the way I look.
july 27, 2002
Pigs, they tend to wiggle when they walk
The infrastructure rots
And the owners hate the jocks
With their agents and their dates
If the signatures are checked
You'll just have to wait
And we're counting up the instants that we save
Tired nation so depraved
From the cheap seats see us
Wave to the camera
It took a giant ramrod
To raze the demon settlement
But high-ho silver, ride
High-ho silver, ride
Take another ride to see me HOME!
LISTEN to MEEE!
I'M ON THE STEREO, STEREOOO
OH MY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABE
Gave me MALARIA, HYSTERIA!!
What about the voice of Geddy Lee
How did it get so high?
I wonder if he speaks like an ordinary guy?
(I know him and he does!)
And you're my fact-checkin' cuz
(Aww...)
Well focus on the quasar in the mist
The kaiser has a cyst
And I'm a blank want list
The qualms you have and if they stick
They will drown you in a crick
In the neck of a woods
That was populated by
Tired nation on the fly
Everybody knows advice
That was give out for free
Lots of details to discern
Lots of details
But high-ho silver ride
High-ho silver ride
Takes another ride to make me
OHH, GET OFF the AIR!!
I'M ON THE STEREO, STEREOOO
OH MY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABE
Gave me MALARIA, HYSTERIA!
Oh yeah. That felt good. It's going to feel even better when I'm screaming it out in my car tomorrow on the way to get my hair cut. DAMN RIGHT! WHOO!
I love being in good moods before bed :) And yet at the same time it sucks because I can just be all crazy, but that's alright. I'll do that tomorrow.
I think I finally realized how much I don't like people who are super obsessed with bands. It's pretty.. silly if you look at it a certain way. I used to do that, and I may still do that.. hopefully not. But it's pretty embarrassing. You can sincerely love a band that much, but don't say those gay things. You know what I'm talking about. Pretty much anything with the words "Rock your ___ off", "Dude", or things like "kewl" or "rawk"... yeah. Things like that. I can't think of excellent examples at the moment since I'm a little tired. But the feeling's there.
Like, I love Liz Janes. Tons. But hopefully it won't get to the point where I act... stupidly about it. I keep thinking of ways to say it, but they don't apply all the time and they don't say it the way I really want to say it. So, fuck it. My final word on the matter is for all people who are in whatever category I'm trying to describe, Grow Up.
Anyhow. Tomorrow will be fun. First, hair cut. Then, get hammered for the rest of the day and hope I don't do anything stupid. Well.. not quite. But I hopefully won't be doing any driving for the rest of the day. Hey, if it helps me deal with my relatives, more power to that Hard Lemonade. That hard hard lemonade. I.. think I really need to sleep, I'm saying incredibly stupid things.
Hm maybe I'll try the Hard Iced Tea tomorrow too. My mom said it was good.
I swear I'm not an alcoholic, I drink responsibly and intelligently. I even make sure I eat something before I drink now, because the last time I had a wine cooler on an empty stomach, let's just say I was a little surprised at how quickly it took effect. I never get too far beyond buzzed, it's just that it happened fast and it was informative and a good learning experience.
I was wrong to put you up there
With a ton of dead heroes
And a ton of dead songs
But you came to me like a casual dream
Slow to begin, put a smile on my skin
Got a head full of new ideas
I got music bleeding from my ears
And people who believe in me
I got miles and miles of things to see
And nothing relates to you and me
Yeah, I can't help it I actually like that one Leona Naess song. It's very... not something you'd think I would like and probably something Kevin would definitely not like. But then again, I also semi like that one No Doubt song and still have some slightly embarrassing CDs that I still occasionally listen to (i.e. Powerman 5000.. yeah.) But I like those lyrics that I posted.
Then, of course, I listen to something like Huggy Bear. Have you heard of Huggy Bear? They're great. I thought they were something no one had heard of. But oh I was wrong. They toured with Bikini Kill in the early 90's and were kind of doing the riot grrl / art rock thing overseas. I love bands from England. I guess it's that whole accent thing. The English accent may or may not be my favorite. I haven't decided. I like casual Southern accents too though. Southern and English are maybe my two favorite. Well, anyhow. My point was, Huggy Bear is great. They even toured with bands like Sonic Youth, Pavement and Blur. Who all supposedly loved Huggy Bear as well.
So it's the riot grrl music and the accents that really make me like them. I'm getting one of their albums. And I'm trying to get one of their out of print older ones that has a bunch of songs I like on it. Damn I want it. I can get it off Ebay on a 10" but I'd much rather have a CD. Damn me not being born like a decade earlier. Course, then I'd be almost 30 now. Hmm. But my statement stands. I really wish I was older during the late 80's / early 90's to REALLY get into the whole grunge, indie and riot grrl periods. My god I would explode with joy. Instead, I was into stupid pop music :( Do you know how cool I would have been if I were like 10 years old and buying Pixies, Huggy Bear, Bikini Kill, Nirvana, Pavement, etc etc. Of course, I did get into Nirvana when I was... well, around 11 or 12. It was right around the time that Kurt committed suicide. So, yeah, 11 or 12. And I started listening to Hole around.. 13 maybe. 12 or 13. I was only a fraction cool. Otherwise I was listening to more popular shit, B96, etc. I started listening to alternative music though mid-junior high. And I had been listening to loads of classic rock and oldies and I'm grateful for that, although I don't know how cool it makes me.
But I have weaknesses for Creedence Clearwater Revival, Fleetwood Mac, and Peter Gabriel. That = semi cool, right? Maybe.
Uh... anyways, this has gone on long enough. I'm hurting and I want to stop and go to bed. So I'm going to do that.
july 24, 2002
I forgot.
For anyone who wants to write me a message to cheer me up ever, here's how:
Go to cingular.com and then put in my number as I have it here:
7082128734
Thanks.
So okay. Those newer mp3s of mine are now hidden somewhere on the site. Not that I want you to go looking around in my folders or anything. I'm just saying.
But I just proved to myself that I CAN still code basic html by hand with minimal help. YES! I mostly just needed help with the hex chart, I can't remember the numbers for all those colors.
So, I think that partially justifies my use of Dreamweaver. Yeehaw.
Also, I'm a little sick of how I live my life. Every day, I sit waiting for other people to talk to. Not that they aren't worth talking to, quite the contrary. They're very worth it and that's why I sit. But I don't get email, I don't do a whole lot that's productive while I'm online, and I'm not guaranteed those people will be online when I am. Bah.
At least I have music. Although that's starting to grate on me a bit too. I hate using headphones. I wish this computer was like... up in my room.
july 23, 2002
I don't remember writing about this in here, so I guess I'll write about it now. If I'm repeating myself, too damn bad.
I heard back from that girl, Jayme, that I emailed a while back about redesigning her website. I was surprised, I thought maybe she just didn't want to redesign it but it turns out she just hadn't checked the email address that I wrote to. So, we talked a bit and I got some ideas/questions and emailed the questions to her. Still waiting for a reply, then I'll really start getting into solid ideas. I have a few I sketched out in Paint so far, but they were mostly to try out things that I was seeing in my head.
Also, I found out how to fill this Blues Brothers lighter I won off Ebay. It's a vintage lighter (supposedly) but you have to refill it and all, and I had no clue how. Because it pulls out into two parts. The top part, on the bottom, has a small space with this sort of spongey soft material with a hole, and a screw going through it. The screw is to adjust the amount of fluid lighting the wick. But I wasn't sure how to get the fluid in there, until my dad explained. You put it in the hole, but it kinda soaks into the soft stuff. So you can't put too much or else it'll leak. But that's interesting. It's really neat looking, I'm glad I have it.
I was outside a bunch today. It was in the upper 70's, so it was beautiful. A little warm when you're in the car and not moving with only one window down. But when you're just outside, there's this really nice breeze. I love weather like that, even if the sun is out. So I drove to walgreens earlier and then drove around a little bit just for the hell of it. And because I don't do that often. Just drive around without any destination in mind. Then I sat outside for a while, just kind of thinking. I sat in my thinking spot. Well, my nice weather thinking spot. We have this picnic table in the very back of our yard, behind the pool. We don't use it much anymore, except to put towels on or to sit down and dry off at. But when it was nice enough out, I used to go back there and just sit for a while, thinking. Talking to myself. Sometimes I brought my guitar out. I hadn't done it in a while, but I went out there today because of the weather, and because I kind of just needed to sit in some quiet.
My other thinking spot, although a rarer one, is by our front door. We have this little cement and brick porch and it's great during the summer because the cement is nice and cool. I used to take my guitar out there too. Although then people could see me, but not often. Whatever.
I still hope there's a nice big storm sometime soon. But I hope it's not on Saturday because that's my dad's family birthday party. It would suck to have everyone stuck indoors. It's just such a nice summer celebration. Actually, we're celebrating 3 birthdays: My dad's, my cousin's and my uncle's. We like to kill multiple birds with one big stone. My dad's actual birthday is today.
Speaking of birthdays, mine's coming up in a couple months. Well, less than 2 months. 1 month and 27 days. I don't know when we're having the party though. If we do in fact go back to school on September 16th, or that weekend, then we'll have it in September probably. I kind of hope that I do go back right on the 16th, cause then at least I'd be here for my sister's birthday. Although I might come home for that anyhow even if I do go earlier. I don't know.
Chris is supposed to email me, sometime. I wonder what he's been up to. He came online a couple days ago, but said he had to go and couldn't talk, but that he'd write me back. Hmm. Mystery. Intrigue.
So Kevin and I are going to see They Might Be Giants August 2nd. It's at Chicago's Navy Pier Skyline Stage. That place is really nice. I went there the first time I saw the them, with one of my friends. I emailed her about it and she said she's definitely going to go. Awesome. Should be a good time. Plus, at least it won't be during the Taste or the fireworks. So hopefully it won't be too crowded.
Oh well, that's about it for now.
july 22, 2002
YAY STORM!
Well, sort of. It's raining. Heavily. And it started like... 2 seconds ago. All of a sudden we heard this big wind and then BAM it's raining. I love thunderstorms, they're what I live for. I've been waiting for a while for a great big storm and I saw on the weather channel that today there were supposed to be some. And a couple more later this week :D
I just saw a girl I went to high school with at Sally Beauty Supply. I was kind of disappointed we didn't get to talk more, but that's okay I guess. Not that I have much to talk about. I'm pretty boring. People ask me what's new? what's up? how's it going? And I'm just like.. "Nothing. I'm fine." Because that's pretty much it. Besides:
"I don't have a job, I think I have some sort of sleep disorder, I'm a lazy bum, I'm obsessed with Microsoft Money, I bought a new guitar, I'm great at Inklink and OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO BE 20 IN TWO MONTHS."
Yeah, not fun things to hear from someone...
It makes me wonder why I still post in here when I don't have anything interesting to say. Hm.
july 21, 2002
The funniest thing I've ever done, possibly funnier than that time I knocked my sister off a bucket with a snowball. HAHAHA. Ah, memories.
A post in a thread about depression in an online forum:
"Sometimes in winter, when all the trees are dead, I take solitary walks and meditate on the ruined fragments of antiquity. Then I weep copiously, go home, make a painting out of it, and weep copiously again. Is this a problem?"
My reply:
"Yes, you're emo."
july 20, 2002
I'm writing an entry out of boredom. That can never be good. I hate when I want to be online but I have nothing to really do. I know there are plenty of things to just look through online, but I get sick of that so fast. I want to have something to actually do.
God forbid I should actually just go to bed and be able to get up earlier than 1:30pm.
So, my dad's birthday is Tuesday. And then we're having the family party on Saturday. I think on Saturday. That = Mike's Hard Lemonade. My mom likes it too. No one else really does. That means more for her and me. Mwuhahaha.
I just remembered, I have some strawberry smoothie downstairs in my fridge. My dad uses it for beer in our basement/family room. I use it for the blender pitcher because it can't fit in the kitchen fridge what with all the stuff in there.
You'd think I'd use my time wisely. The thing is I can't force myself to clean or write or play music when I really don't feel like it. Bah.
Well, no use in making more people suffer.
july 19, 2002
OH Kill me now.
Well, here it is. My new design. I'm very happy with it, so far. And it's 3:30am.. not good. But at least I did something productive.
In case you're wondering/noticing, yeah those pictures on the left ARE of me. That's what I was doing last night. Having my own little fashion show in our bathroom.
I was making some minor changes on the other informative pages I have on here, and man did my eyes burn from that!
Also, thank you Noah Grey for that file rebuilding feature of Greymatter. I overwrote my journal file TWICE with some stupid file I didn't even need. Thankfully, I was able to fix it.
So now I get to burn your retinas with red for a while. Fun!
Maybe tomorrow I'll finally get some more done on my room? Not likely, but we'll see. I mean what else have I got to do on a Friday? (Tomorrow is Friday right? Let's see... Yes.) I've lost track of the days without anything to do.
july 18, 2002
I got an idea. Oh the things I go through for website design.
You'll see what I mean when I make the new layout and everything.. it was fun. I'm proud of it so far, but it's not done at all. I still need to really figure out the color scheme and finish the images and.. oh! I have to do the splash page too. Gosh. I didn't think of that. I'm sure I'll come up with something tomorrow. It's late, I need sleep, otherwise I'll stay up all night doing this!
I hope I stop having weird dreams. I've been dreaming about people I haven't seen in like... 2 years, people I haven't even talked to recently, and David Byrne. Yes, that David Byrne. No I have no clue why. It was... I don't even know where to begin.
I think I want the red part of my hair to be like... REALLY red. I don't quite know how I'd do that. Because in order to get it really red, I'd have to bleach it and then dye it. And... that's hard. BUT,... maybe I can try out some of that semipermanent stuff just on the red I have now, and see, maybe it'll work okay?
Trouble in transit, Got through the road block
We blended in with the crowd.
We got computers, We're tapping phone lines
Know that that ain't allowed.
We dress like students, We dress like housewives
Or in a suit and a tie..
Changed my hairstyle so many times now
Don't know WHAT I look like
Maybe that's why I'm dreaming about David Byrne? Hm. It's entirely possible.
I need to get up tomorrow to mail something. I think there was something else I was supposed to do early tomorrow but I forgot what. Meh.
My eye's starting to twitch... time to go. After I check Sexynerds once more :D I'm such a post whore. Oh well. I like them just too much.
I think I need to redesign this journal. It's very not me anymore.
I also need to clean my room more and more until it hurts.
Me me me. That's all anything is ever about, isn't it?
So I'm egotistical and self-centered.
I wonder what Chris has been up to.
I wonder if any of my friends ever remember I'm here.
I wonder if one day I'll actually get over myself and stop being such an antisocial bitch.
You're not the only one who has the low self-esteem / high ego problem.
But yeah I need a new design for this site. Maybe I'll do something about that.
july 16, 2002
Well, last night, I found one of my two Talking Heads CDs. It was the one that was easier to find, because I just bought it this summer.
Now, I have to find the other one. The one I've had since last Christmas. The one I'm not sure what I did with. I don't think I sent it back to Amazon. But I don't know where it is... It's bugging the crap out of me :(
Guess I'd better go get started, huh?
Um.. This is really scary so I'm not going to explain too much...
Just know that I discovered AIM Express tonight. And, well, I really am this lonely sometimes.
starryeyedha: this is sooooooooooo weird
rachels storm: i knooooooooooooow
rachels storm: i'm so fucked up
starryeyedha: hahahaha
rachels storm: Haha it's like there are two of me
starryeyedha: haha yeah you're suck a fucking weirdo
rachels storm: Okay I'm starting to get way too into this for my own good, I'd better stop...
For some strange reason, my hands look very hard and unreal in this light. Like they were carved.
I think tomorrow will be the first day I have nothing planned. Let's look over the last few days, shall we?
Starting with July 4th. Yes, July 4th. I can go back that far, only thanks to my journal. I have a HORRIBLE memory.
Thursday: Fourth of July. Went to Sara's house for a while, then my family came back here to do some gay fireworks. At least we roasted marshmallows and hot dogs.
Friday: Went to Kevin's house for a while. Went downtown with Kevin to see Steven play, ate curry mayonnaise on chicken tenders, got called "Stereo girl".
Saturday: Drove out to Hinsdale to apply for a job at the Hinsdale library. Also tried to apply for a job at a cleaners around here. I think I went with my family to the grocery store so that they wouldn't only buy junk food, and I'd have something decent to eat around here. I drove. Bah.
Sunday: Kevin and I went downtown to the Art Institute and to meet a friend of his he met online. We did lots of walking. It was hot. We saw the gay neighborhood. I was dehydrating and we went home.
Monday: Went running around applying for jobs all day.
Tuesday: Went to bank, bought acoustic electric guitar, played it lots.
Wednesday: Not much during the day, went out at 9pm for the scariest drive of my life down Archer to Willow Springs to see Kevin's friend Bob play at a coffeehouse's open mike night.
Thursday: White Stripes concert, my first time driving downtown. We got dinner afterwards.
Friday: This took me about 20 minutes to remember, but I went out with Kevin, his friend and his friend's new girlfriend. We got dinner, then dessert at a different place because the restaurant kinda sucked.
Saturday: Party for Sara's relatives/parents friends. Sara and I ditched and hung out at my house.
Yesterday: Kevin came over here. Went to Borders, bought books. Dinner at my house. Rented movies, watched The Royal Tenenbaums on DVD.
Today: Went to Kevin's; TV, food, rented movie from last night, coffee, bowling, video games. We did lots and it was fun.
I HAVE HAD MAJOR THINGS TO DO EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST WEEK AND A HALF! AHHHHH!
But, that's good. At least I've done things. The problem with this is, I've been out late most of those days. That's not good. Screws up my sleep schedule even more.
But.. that's just crazy. I feel like I should be insane or something.
Oh, and only a couple days before all this began, I got a new car. That's major. AND I drove out to Oak Park the Friday before all that to see Steven with Peggy. Rahr.
But I am glad. I've also been meeting/talking to a couple interesting people lately. Although I think I scared off a couple of them. Hmm.
I REALLY need to find that Talking Heads CD I have. It's not even opened. I'm such a dork.
If you need a reason to love the Talking Heads besides every other song you should already know (Once in a Lifetime, And She Was, Burning Down the House), download or listen to "Life During Wartime". It's so wonderful, and I never heard it until I saw them play it live when I watched the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Eeek.
I saw a quote in one of my friend's AIM profiles, and I love it to death for two reasons. Guess the two and you.. are smart. I'm not giving out any prizes, I don't have a job. :P
"Any problem in the world can be solved by dancing."
-James Brown
july 14, 2002
I started listening to my Liz Janes CD earlier but didn't get to finish. I think that will be what I listen to tonight. Her songs are so beautiful and layered.
I wish I knew exactly what I was supposed to do. I just keep trying out different things, hoping I find the right genre or sound. I think I need to be willing to be more experimental. I love noises in music.
So, I'm incredibly bored. But, I rarely leave when I know certain people are online. Like, I sit here just in case they want to talk to me. Well, plus right now Kevin's online and I usually am the last one to leave at night. Because I'm fucking crazy.
Tonight was okay. We went over to Sara's aunt's house at about 5pm. My sister and I sat there for the longest time. I had a Mike's Hard Lemonade, which was nice. My mom said she'd buy them when we have my dad's birthday party. Then Sara came a while later after we ate.
Her exboyfriend was at the party, because he's odd like that. Her family loved him. And he said hi to me and did that thing where they shake your hand and then sorta half hug you. I don't know why he did that, he's strange. Just very friendly I guess. But I almost couldn't stop laughing. I'm sorry, but that really is hilarious that he still comes to their family parties after all this time. Sara was afraid he saw me laughing at him, but I don't care.
Then, at 8:30pm Sara, her older brother and I left the party. We dropped him off at her house and proceeded to her boyfriend's house, Dunkin' Donuts for coffee and then my house. We sat there talking for a long time, and then my younger sister and Sara's two younger sisters came to my house. So Sara and I played Simpson's Road Rage and then the 5 of us were sitting around talking about our weirdo parents. It's nice to do that now that our sisters are older. Then my parents came home like after midnight (I'm sure them and all their friends were getting hammered, ha). And Sara and her sisters left. Fun night. Well, it was boring for a while there, but it got better.
Not like ANYBODY cares about ANY of those details. But there they are for my own personal record. So screw you.
Sorta kinda looking forward to school a little bit too. At least I'll have a job there. Heh.
july 13, 2002
So I promised some photos once, and I'll put a few up. I have a bunch more where this came from.
This first one is kind of old, I did it back at school I think. I wanted some pictures with my glasses on. So here's Nerd picture #1:
This is what marked me as paid for that Steven show I went to with Peggy.. it's kind of cute, I give the girl who did it a tiny bit of credit for not just putting an X on my hand, as I don't want to look straightedge or something.
And this is one of my new favorite pictures that I've ever taken. I'm going to submit it into the Mirror Project some day. I have a couple with my face in them, but I think this looks just so artsy and cool. That's a big accomplishment for me, because I don't think anything about me ever really looks artsy or cool. Although I guess sometimes I do try. Oh well, whatever.
Hope you had fun. I have to sleep. I have things to do tomorrow. Bah.
Hopefully, this will work.
These are a few photos I took with my digital camera before my old car got traded in. I loved it so much, it's really too bad it was just getting run down. But it was beautiful til the day it went away. Sniff.
So I made a simple mini-slide show with the pictures. Enjoy.
Goodbye 1984 Blue Pontiac Stationwagon, aka The Hoovermobile.
july 11, 2002
Forest Preserves, or Reserves? I don't know.
So I had a little driving experience today. Driving experience for me, involves driving on roads I haven't driven on before, lots of worrying if I passed the place up, PASSING the place up at least once, lots of turning around, and some scary.
I drove out to Willowbrook or Willow Springs or somewhere with a lot of trees.
DROVE BY the Willowbrook Ballroom. Drove by a cemetery, but I don't think it was THE cemetery. By THE cemetery, I mean the cemetery you would know I was talking about if you knew the stories.
Okay, here's a shortened version. There's this Polish girl, Mary, who got killed by a hit and run driver on Archer a long time ago trying to get home from a dance at the Willowbrook Ballroom after a fight with her boyfriend. The story goes, that if you're driving on Archer (or anywhere in the area actually,) late at night, you might see a girl standing there in a white dress trying to hitch a ride. If you pick her up, she'll do one of a few different things. All of them involve her disappearing. She'll either make you stop at the cemetery, direct you somewhere else on Archer, and then either jump out of the car and disappear before she gets in or disappears IN the car.
I'm very into ghosts, so I've heard stories about her a million times. They're all a little different, but there's a basic theme to them. And seeing Willowbrook Ballroom for myself was quite unnerving. Like I said I did pass a cemetery, and I think that was enough to get my mind going. But it was neat to see that place for myself, after learning about Archer and Willowbrook in ghost stories for so long.
But the deer just plain scared the shit out of me. I've lived in a fairly unwooded suburb all my life. I've NEVER had any animal bigger than a possum (okay, an opossum so I don't sound like a hick,) cross the road in front of me. Not even a raccoon actually. So when TWO, yes TWO deer ran across Archer tonight, I screamed. I would have hit the first one if it wasn't quicker and if I hadn't slammed on the brakes. The second one thank god paused long enough for me to fly by. Fucking deer!
But, I made it there and home.
OH and I don't know if you've ever been at 95th and Archer if you live where I live, but FUCK is that scary. At night at least. I had to TURN AROUND there. See, for those who don't know, 95th street is a pretty main street everywhere else. Especially by my house. It ends at Archer Road, which is where I was driving tonight. Well, before it ends, it goes through Forest Preserves and goes by lakes and shit. 1 lane each way, dark as fuck, trees all around, twisting winding roads... I made the fastest three point turn I have ever made in my life after turning on 95th. Scary shit.
Otherwise, it was all misunderstandings and misdirection and my own lack of knowing which way I should be going. My dad likes to ask me when he's driving with me which way I'm going. My answer? Straight. I get turned around so easily. I can do basic ones, like North and South if I'm on a major road I know goes straight N and S. But after that, things get fuzzy.
So anyhow. I'm tired of typing, and I need to get some sleep tonight. White Stripes show tomorrow, damn right.
Melisa, if you by chance read this, are you going to be there tomorrow night? Email me back or else call my cell phone (708-212-8734). We gotta hang out a little bit, I haven't heard from you in a while.
Later.
july 10, 2002
I'm bored now, so I'm writing another entry.
So I did in fact break down and buy that guitar earlier this week. What can I say? But it's nice. I forgot what it sounded like to have a 6 stringed acoustic guitar! Well, electric-acoustic. It's battery compartment is a bitch though. It's tight. But I devised a surefire method for getting it out. It involves patience and a pen cap, one of which I always have on me. You guess which one.
Right now, I'm waiting to hear from Kevin. We're supposed to go see this friend of his do an open mike, but we don't know what time. And Kevin doesn't want to go if his friend doesn't call him and let him know. I haven't met said friend yet. I hear about him a bunch, so you know, I'm curious.
But right now, everyone's gone, I'm cold and I'd like to just go up in my room and listen to a CD. Or watch TV. Right now I could stay down here for hours and hours with this certain playlist I have on Winamp. It's very weird. I really honestly haven't gotten sick of it yet.
Speaking of weird, I'm hooked on Ebay again and I'm getting a Twilight Zone pin. Sweeeet. Maybe that'll keep the emo kids away. Haha.
Oh, and I used my new guitar to record on my four track already. Because I just had to redo the vocals, and I figured I might as well try it out with the new guitar. I've gotten to the point where just playing a song right one time through isn't enough. I have to do it WELL now. Haha. But it's fun. I have... 6 songs. I think. Well, 7 if you include the one on my computer that I need to practice more. 8 if you include one I had written before but decided I didn't like as much. 9 if you count one that's unfinished. Haha but that would be silly to count that one huh? Yeah.
Now I need to start being creative, and think up some neat experimental things I can do to make my songs sound unique and flesh out. Yargh. That's gonna be hard. Any suggestions? Oh wait, no one has heard them except Sara. OH! That reminds me. I have to send Kevin the mp3s. Then he can give suggestions.
I'd like to clear something up here, about my own opinions and one of the many many things about Americans, and people in general, that I despise so deeply it's impossible to describe.
I am literally sick of hearing "God Bless America". I just saw someone on Ebay who fucking wrote under that, "one nation 'UNDER GOD'". I didn't capitalize that on purpose, that was her.
WE ARE NOT ONE NATION UNDER GOD PEOPLE! Look around you! Not everyone in the whole fucking world believes in God! Not everyone in this nation believes in God! Hell, not everyone within a 5 mile radius around YOU believes in God! GROW UP! You and your Christian friends are not the only people who live in America. There are atheists, agnostics, pagans, satanists, hindu, buddhist, jewish, muslim and I'm sure many more that I can't name. Are all those people less than human for that? Do they not deserve recognition because they don't believe what you do? That's fucking selfish. We don't all buy into this idea of a Christian God caring for America. Hell, not all of us believe there's ANY sort of god. Just because you fucking live somewhere doesn't mean you have to believe in any religion whatsoever. It is NOT, I repeat NOT essential to living a full life. I don't have to believe in some abstract notion to be happy, to fall in love, to laugh, to see the world, to do everything I dream of doing, to be successful.. Do you see my point?
So fuck you. I really mean it. Stop trying to force the entire rest of the world into believing the same things you do. There's a separation of Church and state for a reason; I personally think it's because the government is corrupt enough without an establishment like the Church influencing it. But that's my own prejudice.
And I really hate when people say they want to save other people's souls... FUCK that's annoying. You're ruining other people's lives, not saving them. Whether or not you're right. I seriously doubt you are. In fact, I will go so far as to say I know it. And don't turn around and tell me, "Oh really, well How you do KNOW?" because I fucking invented that question.
But is it SO incomprehensible that someone BESIDES YOU should know something about this fucking world? Maybe I don't REALLY know. It doesn't matter either way. But think about it.. what are the chances that The truth, The ultimate reality, conforms itself to this incredibly detailed fantasy world you built inside your head? Even if there was some type of god, who's to say he gives a flying fuck about you, or your greedy, nationalistic country?
When I feel this wonderful excited feeling in my stomach, I don't feel God. When I look at art that blows me away, I don't see God. He's not there when I'm looking into my boyfriend's eyes, and he's not there when I'm playing my heart out on my guitar. When I watch a sunset, I see colors and light and composition; not the work of a god. When I'm listening to music, I hear rhythms and melodies and emotion; not God. I don't see God in any joy this world can give me, and I'm not a bad person for that. There isn't anything wrong with me because of that.
All I know, is you see what you believe. And I think aside from specific attacks against religion, doesn't it make SENSE that we should respect eachother's beliefs? How much respect are you giving the people who DON'T believe the same thing as you when you force the US under some petty label?
Nevermind a couple of fun facts: I believe I heard that that whole "under God" part wasn't written into the pledge until the 1950's. And, you keep saying "God bless America" which means you're including Canada, Mexico, and all of Central/South America. God bless Chile? God bless Panama? God bless Brazil. Hm okay.
Although, I'm against the entire pledge even prior to the under God part. I think it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. It makes you think: Does our country suck so much that they have to brainwash us into patriotism?
Yeah, pretty much.
I still never found out who that "forever friend" was, from a while ago.
And I was just reading that entry with that comment again.
That's kind of depressing that they wouldn't want to tell me who they are. And yet they're calling themselves a friend.
Unless, they think I should just know who they are. And maybe I should. Maybe I'm just slow.
But, I sure wish I knew. The mystery is killing me.
Come on, be a pal. Let me know who you are.
Oh well, I have things to do, I guess I'd better go. Bye! I'll write more some other time, I guess I have a few things to talk about.
july 9, 2002
Today, I went to about 6 places to apply for jobs. One place said the position was filled, another said they wanted someone more temporary and may call me back if they need someone right away while searching for someone more permanent, and the other places haven't told me yet that they don't want me. Ha!
Scarily enough, I even applied at 2 Great American Bagels. I had to. I'm desperate. It did smell really good in there though. And it was air conditioned. Not like the video store and cleaners. Yuck.
I also applied to Walgreens because a new one is springing up on Lagrange. That means they're hiring lots of people, and that means a better chance for me to get a job there.
OH! And I have big news. I made myself a promise not too long ago. I would buy myself that electric-acoustic guitar I saw at Rossi Music either when I got a job and got my first paycheck, or saved up $100 in change. Well... sad as it may be, I saved up $100 in change first. I've been saving it for a long time, and I knew I had to cash it in at some point. I just gave myself a reason to cash it in. So! I have $100, and then I'll take out $120 from my savings account, and I'll buy myself that guitar. I'm so anxious, but I don't want to do it RIGHT away. I'll probably go to the bank tomorrow. But I'm going to try not to go to Rossi Music. I'll go later this week or something, try out the guitar again, and make SURE it's really the one I want. Maybe I'll make someone go with me and I'll try out other ones there. There weren't too many other ones, but that's okay. I just always feel like I'm an impulse buyer. When I'm looking for something, the first thing I see that's what I want, I buy. Then again, maybe I just have a good eye, and I find exactly what I was thinking of and buy it because I know it's perfect. I don't know.
But, I do know that the guitar I tried was nice. I'm not one of those people that's majorly concerned with brand name or great sound. I think if you're good enough, you can make a cheaper guitar sound great. I'm not going to pay $500+ for a guitar when a $200 one is fine for me. Plus, I think it's good to work with the sound your guitar has instead of trying to change it. Like I love the acoustic guitar I have, even though I sometimes have trouble playing it, it's missing the 6th string, and it's older. I think that makes it better.
I'm rationalizing too much I think. Bah!
Well, I guess I could go to bed now. Well, after I do the couple things I have to do.
july 8, 2002
I only wish I was kidding about this...
Yes, that does say what you think it says. No, I didn't make this in Photoshop. This is an honest screen capture. Of course, I figured out what exactly they meant, but that doesn't stop it from sounding incredibly retarded on your first inspection. And your second inspection.
I just sat there, praying I read that wrong. "It couldn't have said FREE $5 Reading... there's no way".
Yahoo, you're almost as ridiculous as Fox News. And that's an accomplishment.
My lower legs hurt and feel like they're not getting any blood into them. I think I'm going to stand up. I've been walking all day, you'd think a couple hours at the ol' computer wouldn't hurt? Pf.
july 7, 2002
3
2
1
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
(deep breath)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hm. I guess it doesn't help as much online as when you really do it. Too bad.
I have a headache, and I have to go to bed, so goodnight people that I'm not going to talk to online that probably wouldn't have talked to me anyway!
I STILL haven't listened to the songs I recorded on my four track the other day. I have no idea how it sounds! Bah. Gotta mix them down anyhow. Do I have anymore blank tapes?
aawoej;glakj.
july 6, 2002
Gosh, why do I feel like I could write a chapter of a book on just today? Well, maybe I could if I tried to. I think it's just a fleeting feeling of exhaustedness that's overtaking me.
So, I decided to sit here, Nilla cookies in hand, to tell you all about my day.
First, I woke up at 9am. AM. NINE. That's early. Then, in a 3 hour span of time, I ate breakfast, did some things (okay, Tae Bo.. so kill me); then I showered and got things ready to leave my house in my new car. Which, ONLY has a CD player. Gah! I'm so dependent on tapes, this is going to be tough.
Then at noon, I went over to Kevin's house. We hung out all day, watched TV, got food, etc. A usual day for us, pretty much. Then at about 7pm, we left for Chicago. See, there was this Steven show tonight up there. It was at 9pm, but we wanted to get there early 1) because something always happens that makes you wish you had left earlier and 2) because Kevin planned on eating at the place we were going to. It's T's Restaurant/Bar, if you live around Chicago. We got there a little after 8pm and were walking towards the door, when we hear this girl and guy behind us yelling at someone. We didn't think it was us, because.. well, we didn't know them. But, then when one of them yelled "Hey, girl with The Stereo sticker on her bag" I kind of knew it was me. They just wanted to ask us if we were going to the show. And they asked how we found out about it. So that was neat. Then, we go in, and this place is actually pretty neat looking. They played some scary music, but we'll get to that later.
Well, the food was kind of expensive, to say the least. We got chicken tenders for $8, and then $2 Cokes. Yeah. BUT- You can kind of say it was worth it. Because they served this sauce with it, Curry Mayonnaise. I know what you're thinking- or, might be thinking. But trust me when I say this stuff was good. It looked a little weird, but you know, you can't judge food by the book you found it in. Or.. hm.
Well, anyhow. Kevin had some, then got me to try it (I didn't mind, I was curious). Then Chris got there, and Kevin's like "Hey, you have to try this, it's Curry Mayonnaise". He was a little hesitant because of the name, but he did try a bit of it, and did in fact like it. So, I rest my case. 3 people on this Earth like Curry Mayonnaise, therefore you will too.
And they served it up real pretty and artsy like. Cute.
The show, or the two bands I saw, were of course good. The only thing was where I was sitting. I was just a little too close to the band. I know, some of you are thinking, how is that possible? Well, it is. Ever hear of the phrase "way too loud"? Well, it wasn't way too loud, but a little loud. Especially Steven, because most of what I heard was the drums. The vocals just weren't getting to my ears very well. But, from what I did hear, it sounded good with drums. I'd really like to hear them recorded some day that way, with the drums and everything.
Oh! That's right, I was going to talk about the music in that place. Well, they were playing Third Eye Blind when we got in there. They did play "While My Guitar Gently Weeps". But, then they played TLC twice.. and it was "Waterfalls". Twice. Hm.
I don't remember what else they played. Sorry, guys, my mind is burning out!
Let's see, what else? Oh, okay, well then when Kevin and I were leaving, we heard someone yelling once again, although this time I knew it was for me since they were yelling "Hey Stereo-Girl!" and running after us. It was that guy from earlier, and he wanted to tell us about this fest in Arlington Heights that's going on in August. The Stereo is headlining, that's why he was telling me. He said there's gonna be a bunch of hardcore bands there the second day.. that's just not my cup of tea. But, I said thanks anyhow. I guess it would be kind of nice to see The Stereo again, I only saw them once. Maybe, if Peggy wants to go or something... Yeah. Kevin said I was attracting all the emo kids tonight. Haha. They don't scare me, so I don't mind. I'm just not really an emo scenester. I'm not really into emo. In fact, I don't listen to emo hardly at all. Well, not things that I think of as emo anyhow. But I hate to disappoint those kids. Haha kids, they're fucking my age. Whatever. I'm being dumb.
Aaaand, oh yeah, the grand finale. So, I have my new car. It doesn't have a whole lot of gas in it apparently, because my dad called me to warn me. When I looked, it was almost on empty. Yeah. So, I asked Kevin and his mom if they knew if the Shell station near their house was 24 hours. They thought it was. Hell, I thought it was too, everytime I go by there it's open. So, I waited until midnight when we got back to get gas. Lo and behold, the Shell was closed. BASTARDS! They couldn't stay open just a little past midnight. Luckily, there was another gas station right on the opposite corner. But since I couldn't use my Shell card, I had to pay in cash. No big deal, I did have some money on me for emergencies. Then, I PULLED UP TO THE PUMP ON THE WRONG SIDE. How was I supposed to know my car was backwards? I'm used to the gas.. thingy (sorry, tired, not thinking) being on the left side of the car. On my new car, it's on the right. GAH! So I had to turn around. Blech. Then, as I'm driving home, I see another Shell station farther away that WAS still open. But I wouldn't have made it to that one anyhow.
There. I think that was my day. I spent 13 hours out for the day. MAN. I did have fun though. Well, until the headache set in. And I did stay awake in the car long enough to get home... having to go to the bathroom kind of helps in that.
Well.. here's to another magical day in the neighborhood. I think I'm going to have to go to Hinsdale tomorrow to apply for a job. They're doing interviews next week, and I need to do it. And I have to say I want the job as year round. Hm. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I also have a list of other jobs to look into this next week.
Oh, and Sunday Kevin and I are going back into the city for a trip to the Art Institute. At least we're taking the train... fucking hell. I need some sleep.
july 4, 2002
Rachels storm, hell yeah. You know it.
Haha, it's storming on the fourth of July. This kicks so much ass.
I'm sorry, but I don't care for the holiday. It's loud, and people thinks it gives them an excuse to act like assholes. Plus, well, it celebrates America. And right now, I don't think we have anything to celebrate. I think we should be ashamed of the state of our country. So, why should we shoot off bottle rockets for a good 2 week period? Yay, we're badly educated. Yay, we're overpopulated. Yay, we're corrupt. Yay, look at the dimwit we got for a President. Yay, our national religion is Capitalism.
Is that something to be proud of?
I'm not anti-America per se. I'm anti-nationalism, greed, corruption, stupidity, etc. And, it seems like whenever you get a government and a group of people together, lies and moral depravity break out.
Is having a Queen any better? Out of curiousity? I don't know. Maybe I should just move to England.
My own mother said that if people don't like our country or government, they should move out of the country.
Okay mom, you just remember that while I'm packing my bags and heading to the airport.
If you're good, maybe I'll put up some digital pictures tomorrow. Not just of me. I'm not that narcissistic haha. I have other fun pictures to put up.
Hmmmmm.
july 3, 2002
When I opened up my browser just now, the homepage (attbi.com) had some little box that said something about Britney Spears in regard to her fashion statement, basically saying that she was moving on teenybopper fashion. I was naturally curious as I hate that girl with a passion.
So, they showed this picture of her wearing some black dress that looked like it didn't quite fit right (as most fashion does these days). And they mentioned something about her breaking up with her boyfriend. Now, this is where this gets kind of weird.. and I'm not sure if it's good or not.
Basically, they were implying that when a girl is with a guy, she's immature and childish. When she breaks up with that guy and tosses off the proverbial shackles of a relationship, she's a mature woman.
WHAT?
Not that I want people to have the mindset that a woman is nothing without a man. God, no. I think my problem is people saying there's some great change that occurs when you break up with someone. There's a change, but it doesn't make you better than you were, and it doesn't make you better than anyone else. It makes you feel like shit for a while, and then makes you move on and live your life. For crying out loud.. this is why I hate the media SO much now. Everything's pure bullshit! They don't know what the hell they're saying, and they don't care either. As long as it sounds like they're being witty, who cares right? Because the American public is stupid anyhow, and can't tell bullshit when they're standing in a pile of it.
Aside from the ridiculous media, Britney Spears is such a stupid person to be focusing on. Her little thing is over now. We all had fun making fun of her when she first came out, and even up til not long ago. But now? Come on. Pff.
Alright I'm going to do something more productive now. I don't know what, but I will.
Steven in 2 days, by the way! :D
I'm a little bored.. so I'm going to the bank. Yes.
Yay for short posts?
Haha Peggy put in her journal that the BEST lyrics of the summer were "I see London I see France I wish I'd seen your underpants" or however they actually went. Haha yeah. I'll be getting to hear that again this Friday, since Jared Grabb is also playing.
I haven't heard back from "Just Jayme". I emailed her asking about her website, and if she was thinking about redesigning it. Hmm. Maybe I made her mad. Ha, yeah right.
Okay bank time. I don't get to take my new car cause my dad had to take it today for.. something. To pay for it and do some other things... Oh well. I got to use it last night. That's nice at least. Now instead of fiddling around with tapes, I can just use CDs all the time.
Yikes, I still can't get First Grade Crush out of my head. I got into this streak of listening to it recently and now it's like.. permanently glued to one of the working parts of my brain. Not that that's bad or anything, it's just one of those strange things is all.
Okay, bank. Money. Things. Rah.
It's 5AM. I'm still up. Why?
Because there are no Liz Janes websites out there and that's not right.
So I made one. See?
Now, I sleep. Zzzzz.
july 1, 2002
I used to hate what my first name meant.. I'm not entirely sure why. Well, in case you didn't know, my first name is Rachel. It's a Hebrew name that means "ewe", as in the female sheep. I guess I didn't like the whole sheep idea. But, it's a fun name. Most language have their own version of it. The Polish version is Rachela. Hehe. The Russian form is Rahil.. I don't think I like that. The Swedish form is Rakel. Hawaiian, Lahela.. that's kind of odd. German, it's just Rachel. In Hebrew, I guess there are a couple different forms, Rachele and Rakel. I dunno, I just think it's fun to look at all this.
And for some strange reason, I like reading things that talk about my name biblically. You know, that Rachel in there who was Joseph's mother? Joseph and his damn technicolor dreamcoat. Anyhow, yeah. I like it because Jacob worked for Rachel's father for 7 years just to marry her, and then when her father made Jacob marry her older sister, Jacob worked for 7 more years to still get Rachel. That's really cool.
But, Rachel only had two kids, and she died while giving birth to the second. His name was Benjamin. It's a nice name. But that wasn't what she really named him, she named him a name that meant "son of my pain" but Jacob renamed him. There's also something about Rachel crying over a lost baby somewhere? I don't know. It's been years since I can handle being near a Bible, let alone reading anything in it. But, I like that story. Because you know, it has my name in it. And because that Rachel was supposed to really be something. I wish I was really something. Not that I'm nothing necessarily, she was supposedly really beautiful and desirable for a wife. Then again, I don't want that necessarily... I mean I want to be known for something, but not just for being beautiful or something. Though I don't have to worry about that, ha. But yeah.
But I feel bad saying stuff like that because Kevin obviously doesn't think I'm ugly or anything. But, you know, I'm a human being, and a girl at that. I don't feel like I'm anything to get excited about. I'd go on about why it's hard for me to believe I look anything more than average, but I'd just be making excuses instead of trying to change my mentality. Excuses excuses excuses.
Oh, but hey, I have a new car. Well, a used car. But it's a 1997 and my other car was a 1984. So ha. It's a Dodge Intrepid, like my mom's. It's kind of silver-grey or something. Nice. No goofy colors. Has a bigger engine than either of my parent's cars :D Mwuhahaha.
Hmmmmm so, there's another Steven show coming up this Friday. I'll have to ask Kevin if he wants to go, but I think we had some other kinds of plans... but then again, those plans were going to be in effect if he got off of work. So, in other words, probably a little earlier. And, it would be a trip downtown. Maybe I can get Sara to go with. Then she can drive, haha. I know I don't want to, and if Kevin drives up here, he's not going to want to drive to Chicago too. And, I do have to learn someday. And, I will have my new car.
We'll see though. I, of course, wouldn't mind at all :D If you read this journal at least semi regularly, you'd gather sooner or later that that particular event happening twice in the span of about a week is fantastic. Besides that, I'd get to see Steven with drums this time.
This is Steven's first Chicago show, too, and it would be really nice to be there for that. Since I'm not THAT far away from Chicago.
Hm. I wonder. It will be in Chicago, and I know Eric lives in Chicago. I wonder if he might be there? Haha Peggy said she saw him not too long ago when she went to Rock N Bowl (I think that's the right name). That's funny.
Wow, haha, if I go both to this Friday show and that Champaign thing, that'll be a whole lot of Steven this summer. I'm crazy. But I have no happenings or jobs that would stop me from doing these things, and I do want to do them.
Mmmm yeah.
I need to go to sleep though. Not that I have anything to get up for tomorrow. Just that I hate this whole pattern I've gotten into. Because the later I'm up, the more my mood goes down. And then I start thinking too much. And I get myself into mental and emotional trouble when I do that. And then I wake up late in the day, and I'm in a crummy mood, and then things just don't really get better until I have something to get up for or be somewhere else for.
I wrote a new song too. Well, I had the lyrics in this journal, and I found them last night. Then I picked out some chords for it last night, and then today I wrote the song. It's neat. And it's different than how my usual songs are. I think. Well... not really. Just that it doesn't sound like some really bad love song. I have an amazing ability to consistently write sad songs. This one isn't that bad...
Haha I just went to go get the lyrics, and there was one of those CD commercials on my TV, and it was playing The Grassroots, Midnight Confessions.. In my midnight confessions, when I tell all the world that I love you... Haha. It's a nice song. Yeah, that's me, midnight confessions. Or, more like 1am or 2am. Bah!
Anyhow, here's the lyrics for MY song (even though it's here in the archives):
Go ahead and ask me why I don't ever call
Why I don't ever try
I'm just watching my life start to crumble,
Waiting for the right time.
Yeah you can hear me playing with this rotary phone
That I bought because I'm crazy.
Maybe in a month or two
We can just rummage through good times and vintage
Looking for another memory,
Or just another shirt for the weekend.
So go ahead and ask me why we never get the time
I can only assume the fault is mine
Let's get lost and make everything right
Grab a memory and recapture lost times
And I'm singing Je t'aime, Je t'aime
But you don't even know that one
Go ahead and tell me, do you understand?
I can't pick up this phone for fear
It might fall apart in my hands.
I really like that. Because it talks about something else besides people who don't seem to really care about me that much and how much it hurts me. Although, I'd rather write about that than... well about what I used to write about in the peak of my ska phase and the valley of my songwriting career. Eek.
Although, I do have one okay song out of that time.
For anyone who feels like reading so much of my ramblings, and is curious, I'll explain my song. I don't remember what it was specifically about, but I feel like it's about a couple friends of mine. Because I never called them or anything, even though I could have, and I didn't really know why. I guess because I felt like I'd lost them or something, even though I obviously haven't. They're two of the very few people who really do care about me and who have always been there and will always be there. And I guess it's about memories too, like wanting to remember and repeat those memories. Anyhow.
The two people it isn't hard to say that one sentence to, that I've brought up.
Hey, we should hang out sometime. What do you think? Bah. I keep thinking, "That'll never happen" but then I think that maybe I should shut up sometimes and just wait for the right time, because it might come while I'm moping about how I don't have any guts.
Although, I have had the guts to one person I didn't think I had the guts to ask, and it worked out fine. If that made sense. Argh.
Okay, bedtime. I'll practice more another day.
OH! And I really like the ending of that song I wrote, I'm really happy with it. It's nothing so original or so hard to play. It's just fun and different than what I usually do. So's parts in the middle, but I wrote the ending first. IT HELPED! See, do things differently, and you get a new perspective.
I <3 music.
God, Liz Janes' voice is so fantastic. I really wish I sounded more like her, but then again, I have to think that I'd rather be more unique than to sound exactly like her. I think the devices I use to record myself just aren't that great and that's the problem. Plus that I don't use my lower ranges enough. I was always worried about getting high, but for a while now I've been more into using the lower half of whatever my range really is. The best song I can think of, that really shows Liz Janes in all her songwriting/singing glory is Honeybee, because it's not as traditional of a song as you'd think, and she moves from a slow tempo to a faster more rhythmic one, and it's just really good.
Wow! This entry has gotten loooong. I need to stop saying I'm going to bed when I don't mean it.
I get goosebumps when I hear that last line of the chorus in Liz Phair's song Polyester Bride. Hmm. I never noticed before.
I also really like the line,
"You're lucky to be drinking here for free cause I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes"
In fact, I get goosebumps during other parts of the song. It's gooood. She has a neat voice too.
ARGH! Okay, I'm going, really.
Now I play Talking Heads.
So, in summary of this crazy long entry, I think, that I need to stop focusing on other people and what they think so much. I've known that for forever. But the thing is, I'm better at stopping myself when I'm putting myself down, now. Because I know people aren't going to want to deal with me if I'm just a self-pity machine. I'm doing it to be happier. Although I still identify with people who also are more negative, like me, I don't know if I want that so much anymore. Because I look at the people I know that I think are more positive, and I think, that would be nice to have the intrapersonal skills to keep my head above water even when I feel like just drowning.
I also want that so that I can make other people happier, even when they're depressed. I don't want to drag other people down with me. I don't like carrying on about my whiny personal feelings all the time. Sometimes it's fun, and good, and there's nothing wrong with it once in a while. But I do it way too much.
AHHH I have to go! Okay! Bye!
One last side note: I need more higher quality hugs. A lot of people in my family give kind of real quick run-out-the-door hugs (extended family, I'm talking about). My one cousin always gives the best hugs, and he's not even the one blood related! He's related by marriage. He's just one of those people, you know? They're like "RAHHH!" and I love that. His son usually hugs good too. Hm. Haha maybe it's something only guys have? Haha. No, I don't think so. I know it's not, that was just funny.
That just reminded me of this story I have, but I won't tell it. But I once got hugged by this one guy that I didn't really know that well, I think before I left my job at the library.. Or something. Oh well.