august 31, 2002
My college campus will forever be tainted. It wasn't fantastic in the first place, but now there will be a stain of evil spreading across it like.. like.. chocolate milk on a white couch.
Oh, that was horrible. I can't believe I said that. Yuck. I could have likened it to something so much more evil.
Well, my point stands. Pure evil will be corrupting a corner of my adequate college campus tomorrow, while I'm enjoying pre-birthday fun. Yes, it's true...
Penny and the Loafers are going to be at NCC's radio station.
AUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!! WHY?? WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!?!
Well, I guess that's a little too dramatic. But I am thoroughly disgusted. Shouldn't they be dead or something? I mean, that's what happens to the mean / stupid / snobby people at your high school. They die. Or become horribly disfigured and are never the same. I'd be alright with either I suppose, but I somehow feel like I'm settling if the end result isn't death.
It's bad enough that they're all still alive, but WHY do they have to come to MY school's radio station?? WTF? It's like they're following me, determined to make my life hell.
Mostly, it just bothers me that a bunch of stuck up chorus boy idiots throw a band together and people actually like them. Well, just goes to show what a lot of sheep and equally moronic people the general public is. Actually, their only fans used to just be all the teeny bopper girly girls in high school who wouldn't know musical talent or good character if it bit them in their skanky asses. Their brains are pretty limited. That whole, "boy; boy in band; boy = cute; cute = band is good" mentality. It's not really based on anything but their flawed logic.
Regardless of all these things that should make me feel better, I don't. Because they're still running around doing things. Being idiots. Stupid preps who jumped on the ska bandwagon back in the day. Sigh.
Well, at least I can console myself with the fact that even though the specific music I write may not be that good, at least the STYLE I'm trying to write in is 20 times better than whatever mix of punk and ska and pop they're trying to pull off.
STUPID CAMPUS RADIO STATION! STOP SUCKING!! Let Kevin back in so he can make it a REAL college station! RAHR!
august 30, 2002
I knew the SciFi channel was doing a Labor Day movie thing this weekend, but I only know decided to check out the full schedule. Tonight there's a couple Puppetmaster movies, and then It. Tomorrow there's House, House 2, Stigmata... and something that made me squeal. "William Shatner's Full Moon Fright Night". Showing... HORRORVISION. I don't know what that movie is, or what it's about, but it doesn't matter. Why? Because it's a FULL MOON PICTURES PRODUCTION. Full Moon makes the most horrible horror movies ever, and they're pretty infamous I guess you could say. I personally love them. It's one of those kitsch/camp things I guess. The movies are campy, stupid and easy to make fun of. I can like it without really LIKING it.
So, I looked at SciFi's schedule for every Saturday night.... and apparently this show, that William Shatner hosts, runs EVERY SATURDAY AT 10PM!!! I think I'm in love.
Like so many other times in my life, I'm sitting here late at night thinking about many things. Every subject I lend my mind to is a small piece of the large mosaic that is my world, and it's quite difficult to keep everything straight in my head. So, writing it all out comes in handy.
Sitting here next to me at the computer is a copy of my dad's resume. I don't have the capability or the will to give a full summary of what's been going on with his workplace. It's a plant that deals with metals or something. It used to be a Reynolds Metals facility, then got bought by someone else. That company went under, and it was bought once again by some French company. They're shutting it down soon because it's losing money like another plant they have in the US. So, my dad's looking for a new job. I suppose we're all at least a little nervous about it. I think I just don't have the capacity to comprehend the thought of my dad not having a job, so it hasn't quite hit me. On the other hand, you could say I just have faith that he'll find a new job. I'd call me naive either way.
The job market is tough, no matter who you are. It took me all summer to find a job, although I wasn't always looking so actively. Regardless, other people are having trouble. One of my friends hasn't found one yet. I think I was lucky.
Aside from all this, reading through my dad's resume made me hope that someday I have that kind of history to write down. My resume right now isn't terribly impressive, I'm sure. My dad's has so many things that I don't even understand on it, and so I'm naturally impressed. He knows a lot about computers. And I never had the ambition to want to know that much about them until just this past year or so.
But, this brings me around to a popular and yet discomforting topic. What exactly I want out of my life. Every time I think about it, I just start pushing it away. There are so many other things to think about, most of which are more pleasant. I get anxious and uncertain, and start to worry that I'm doing something wrong. But if I don't think about it, maybe I won't notice the mistakes and then no one can blame me right? They can't say, "You knew you were doing this wrong and didn't stop it. So it's your fault. You deserve whatever happens as a result". Am I doing something wrong? I always feel like I am. But I can't back out now.
I just don't know what I want. There are a few things that I can say I know I want, but they aren't so much goals as they are selfish fantasies. Dreams of getting to say everything I ever wanted to say and have people really listen to me. Dreams of being known for eccentricity, abstract thought and my questioning nature. Fame and fortune only interest me in terms of experience, not lifestyle. I don't care to live my life that way. I always tell myself: There's a difference between being famous and being known. There's something cheap and embarrassing about being famous. But being known for something, being recognized and respected.. it's so much more real. I'd rather be poor than be another Jennifer Love Hewitt or Britney Spears.
The few things I know I want though, aren't enough. They're mostly generic ideas that can be applied anywhere. The even fewer specific desires just make things more confusing. I don't know how I'd ever be able to work something out. I think maybe one ultimate goal I can actually pinpoint is that I like the idea of lifelong learning. I want to always be a student, and never stop learning. Because the day I stop is the day that I either believe I know everything, or the day I give up living. Both are gruesome outcomes.
You know, everytime I think about how I have all these things inside me I want to say... I wonder to myself if I have any right to express them? Everyone has something to say. It's selfish of me to think my certain things are more important than the next person's. But then again, if the next person has the same irresistable and consuming urges to communicate their ideas the way I do, then I invite them to step forward with me. If we can't find people to listen to us, then we can at least listen to eachother. Just as I was typing that out, I thought maybe that's part of why I love Kevin so much. He is that next person. And we're both determined to communicate something within ourselves to the world. Even if no one else will listen, I know he'll always listen to me and I'll always listen to him.
But, the problem becomes this: How do I express myself? There are so many ways, and I have trouble picking one. I feel like I'm in an Uno game, but I can't put down any of my cards. I suppose that's an odd comparison, considering the goal of Uno is to get rid of ALL your cards. But, it'll have to do.
So I have this music card, and I never know what to do with it. I know I love singing and I love coming up with good music. It's so rare though, and even rarer that I follow through with good songs. They lay around, unfinished. Half baked ideas. Etc. I feel like I need someone else to collaborate with, but I don't know who that person would/should/could be. I would say it could be Sara, but sometimes I think our tastes are just a little too different. While she IS good, and she comes up with good music and has good ideas, it's just the STYLE of her ideas is just a little too different from mine. I suppose that's a good thing, in a way. Maybe I need someone who's more different. Someone who's more experimental. Who listens to some of the same things I do.
There's these two cards I've had since the beginning of the game, one for art and one for writing. And they are both on thin ice. I don't know what it is, but I have enough trouble coming up with ideas, and even more trouble getting it to look/sound the way it did in my head. They both seem to be on the back burner at the moment, although hopefully not for good. But, I'm pretty sure they won't ever be important, money-making parts of my life. Just hobbies that perhaps could earn me some small recognition. I've always wanted to write a book. A good one. I wrote one story in my 20 years of life that lasted about 150 pages.. maybe more. But it was horrible and no one will ever see it.
So, there's this web design card that I'm eyeing. I like computers. I like art. I like the internet. I suppose this would push together a few of my interests, and be a good combination that has some potential to make me some money (if I'm good enough). But, I need more education and more experience first. I'm sort of working on that.
That brings me to psychology. I know what you're thinking. You wish this post was over, because this is more boring than just idly staring at a blank computer screen. To you I say, "Yeah, maybe". You may also be wondering how psychology is a way for me to express myself. Well, it gives me the ability to help other people, and also learn from them. It's kind of a two way street. You give a little, you get a little. This topic however is one that causes me the most worry. I wonder if perhaps I was a little hasty in deciding it for a major. No matter, I think it's the one interest that can support me the best. Psychology majors can do a lot of different things. Hopefully I'll get some sort of counseling job once I'm done with school.
I suppose that might not be all of the things in my head, but it's a good percentage. I'm exhausted right now, and I think going to sleep is probably the best idea I've had yet.
Although, there is one thought that I'd like to leave you with. I want so badly to communicate ideas to people. Maybe the best way to start off with that is by being direct and specific. I just get the idea that most people I care about (even a little bit) don't know it at all. I think I send out subtle messages that they'll understand, but you know what? I don't see what would make me believe that. I think I'm just too scared to make sure they understand. Because I'm too scared that they don't care if I care or not. Not that they should or have to, I mean I'm just me. But if someone I barely talked to suddenly emailed me or told me that I mean a lot, or mean just something to them, I would be really flattered and feel really good about myself. And I like the idea of being on either end of that.
Of course, there's a limit to what one should say to another I suppose. There is such a thing as saying too much. But, if there's one little thing you want to say to someone that you're kind of afraid to be blatant about, I think you should say it. But know this: You can tell someone how much they mean a hundred times. But if you don't show them you care through you're actions, they'll never believe you. This is something I struggle with because I unfortunately tend to neglect certain parts of my life when big things come up. Like this job I have. Other parts of my life are lacking attention and it bothers me.
Well, this is the latest I've been up in a while, and I want to get to sleep. Maybe tomorrow night I'll get philosophic and thoughtful and self-conscious once again. Or just post whatever news I have since my last post. We'll see.
august 25, 2002
Bang bang bang...
Okay, so here's a few updates before I do my last few pre-bed things.
Right now, I feel clean and smell pretty (if I do say so myself).
Today I got some nice insoles for my shoes. I will find out how well they work tomorrow. If they don't, I plan on getting my money back, because it says I can on the package. If they do work, I'm going to attempt to send them back anyhow and get replacements so I don't have to buy new ones in 6 months (if I like them that much). If I don't, I'll return them anyways after my run at the bookstore is over and get my money back. Bwahaha.
Sara and I hung out today. Food, shopping for craft/jewelry things and watching my sister play Super Mario Bros 3 on our dusty Super Nintendo. Nifty.
Saturday Kevin and I watched Evil Dead, and I stole a Coke from Blockbuster unintentionally. I had it out on the counter, but the girl never rang it up. She was too busy wondering how in the world Kevin and I could watch that gross movie, and trying to sell me on Blockbuster Rewards as an incredibly bored and probably smarter coworker just stood there ignoring her and us. I hope he made fun of her for not ringing up the Coke, if he saw.
Friday, we watched Murder By Death. That movie and Clue are a couple of the few movies I can watch over and over and over.
In one week, we're having me/my sister's family birthday party. My parents/sister are giving me their gifts the weekend after though. I wanted it that way, I don't remember why. Doesn't matter.
Sara wants to take a roadtrip during my Spring Break. Hmm. I have to think about it more, but I have plenty of time.
Still trying to get Chris to confirm a Steven visit to my school's coffee house. :D I am so stubborn.
Uhh.. I think that's it. Work begins again tomorrow morning, and these insoles are officially going to be tested. Sara might visit me on Tuesday. I hope so, I need a familiar face or two that actually gives a flying fuck about me. Too many people that I know I know; but they just don't care. :\
I need a French Kicks CD. Mmm.
I'm thinking about trying out one of my songs in a new style. Well, a new style for me. Not anything groundbreaking. But, different. I'll let you know how that turns out. I'm not entirely confident about it, although if I do it the right way, I suppose it could be at least interesting.
Okay, bedtime. Maybe I'll have some more news tomorrow. I'm sure I'll at least have a story or two. The days at work seem to pass a tiny bit quicker every day, even though those last couple hours sometimes almost break me. Yikes, I think my feet are hurting just thinking about it. Stupid psychosomatic pains.
Okay, goodnight.
I've been pretty busy lately, what with work and all. When I get home, I'm just too tired to sit at the computer and write in here, or update any of my websites, so things are slow right now.
But, Friday I left at 3pm instead of 5pm, and today I didn't have to work. That's good. Because I worked a LOT this week. So, I get to rest and do normal things this weekend. I slept til like noon today, and all of a sudden I'm so grateful for that. Whereas, a couple weeks ago I might have though having to get up before noon was an inconvenience to my brilliantly unhealthy sleeping schedule.
But, my feet/legs get the weekend to mend. And I get to prepare for another week at the ol' bookstore. This could be my last week, I don't really know how much longer they'll need me. I guess I'll have to wait and see on Monday how many people are still coming in. If it's slowed down quite a bit, then they probably won't need me for a third week. That's alright I suppose. It's good because I won't have to work anymore: no more waking up early, no more aching feet, no more crabby customers, etc. But, then again, that means no more making money until school starts, no more getting out and talking to people, no more getting to see the few people at work I do talk to and like. So, neither way is really that much better than the other. Although at the moment, it sounds awfully good to not have to work anymore, I have to admit.
I think I'm going to look into some of those Dr. Scholl's insoles or something. Maybe they'll help my feet not ache so much.
But, for now, I have at least one more week to dread/look forward to. I suppose if I keep that in mind, it might help me get through the most boring/painful hours.
Damn, I should have told my supervisor I only wanted to work until like... 4pm instead of 5. He asked me on Friday if there were any changes to my availability for next week, and I said no, that I can work the same as this past week. Ugh. Well, I'm sure it'll seem worth it when I get that check.
Then, when I go back to school and work at the library, I'll totally appreciate it more. I've been really thinking about how much I miss working there, and how I miss the people I know there. I've been there for 2 years now, so obviously it feels like a third home to me. First being here, second being on campus in general. I can't wait to see my room this year, hopefully it'll be nice and big. I'll be right by the coffee house, maybe I'll make a couple trips a week there. It's a nice thought, at least.
10 hours a week will seem like nothing after I'm done with all this at the bookstore.
Also! I was thinking, that at the beginning/end of any terms, I can apply to work at my school's bookstore now and get some extra money. Because I'll have experience in the same basic environment. Except I've never done anything at the register, but that's okay. I now know about a bunch of other stuff that I can do. Like make popcorn. Hahaha.
Okay, I'm super tired, and I need to go to bed. My eyes are just closing on their own.
august 20, 2002
"Upperclassmen said they wanted to read the book, too. "I don't believe that intolerance of other religions is the guide that Christ set before us to follow," said Maggy Lampley, a junior, who was sitting behind a table encouraging students to join Campus Crusade for Christ. "He wanted us to show that he was the way and the truth, but not through ignorance and intolerance. I think reading books like this is a good way to make people more open-minded.""
Sorry to go valley girl, but gag me with a spoon. Ms. Lampley, I'm sure people of other religions don't want you PATRONIZING them in the name of tolerance.
"I'm right, you're wrong, but that doesn't mean I can't tolerate you and your religion."
Oh whoop-de-doo. You tolerate them! You don't respect them, or enocourage them, but the least that your little Christian mind can do is TOLERATE them. Well gee Miss Lampley, I can't tolerate you, I'm anti-stupidity.
As great as this may have sounded to some of you, "Oh good! Christians are finally being more open-minded!" I read a bit more into it. Notice where she says she's still right, other religions are still wrong. But that doesn't mean she can't treat them like a 3 year old and say "Yes other-religion, that's what things are really like" in the most sickening voice I can imagine.
More later, I have to go.
Psssst 1 month til my 20th birthday. Screw presents, I'll be happy enough just to get a "happy birthday" from someone besides like... my family. No one remembers my birthday, because it's close to the beginning of the school year. They all have things on their minds. Eh, oh well.
I don't have much time to write, but I felt I should say something. So, I worked today. 9 hours, give or take. Half hour lunch. Too much time on my feet, and so my legs feel like they want to die. And guess what? I get to do it again tomorrow! And the next day! And any day I can (which is every day, because I have nothing to do). Not Saturday though. Nooo. But, consolation, at least I'll be getting a lot of money. Like... 4 times the amount I make in a week at school. That's good.
So, I'm off to sleep as much as possible before my next big book running marathon tomorrow morning. Blech. Keep thinking of the money, as capitalistic and shallow as that may be. Think of the money.
More tomorrow, possibly.
august 18, 2002
Today's horoscope:
"It's going to be a good day! Implement new ideas and projects, particularly if they involve some form of creativity. Your routine can be exciting if you love what you do. A solid business decision comes from knowledge of your subject. Good luck may follow, but you have to be the one who leads it. Romance is also in the air -- someone new longs to sweep you into an embrace. If you don't get out there and socialize, you could miss a rare opportunity."
What? It's Sunday! I have nothing going on! As good as this all sounds, it really doesn't make any sense. Why am I reading this?
"Romance
Your lover is the most gifted person in the world. Through rose-colored glasses, everything is new or better than last time. People that have no patience for romance are probably secretly envious of your happiness."
Once again, I'm not sure what this is exactly supposed to mean. Though I think it sounds good. I don't think it's actually predicting anything though. Hm.
"Technical
You could be addicted to clothes ... you wear them every day! Lounge around in your favorite pajamas. Bring your laptop into bed with you to catch up on email. It's important to feel snuggly and loved while you correspond, or you could end up writing some testy email."
PAJAMAS ARE CLOTHES TOO!! And I don't even have a laptop!! What is this? Why do I do this?? AGGH!
So, anyhow. I'm thinking, of going to Jewel for a few things soon. Might as well. Otherwise I'll take a shower and just lie around all day. Not that that's bad, considering I have to work on Monday for the first time in a couple months, and for 9 hours. Hmph. What was I talking about? Oh, right.
Well, I guess I'll go then. Bye!
I didn't post this yesterday, although it is big news.
I got an interview at Moraine Valley (local community college) for a job at their bookstore, and went for it at 10am this morning. So I dressed nicely and put makeup on (not because I think it'll affect my chances, I don't really know why I do that... makes me feel like I have more control maybe?). I didn't really know where the bookstore exactly was, though I had a campus map with me. It was pretty easy to find, I found a parking lot by two buildings, and one of them had the bookstore in it. Awesome.
So I go in, and asked for the guy I had talked to. Basically, we stood there talking for about a minute or less. He said,
"Well it's only a temporary job, maybe about 2 or 3 weeks. Do you still want the job, despite that?"
And I of course explained that it was perfect, as I was going back to school September 15th.
He told me it only paid minimum wage, and I said that was fine. I'm in no position to be picky.
Then he said,.. "Can you come in Monday from 8-5?"
Yeah, he really grilled me, huh? Tough questions. I was overprepared. Because I was nervous. Ha. I really wanted that job. So, I'm going in on Monday at 8am (and I thought 10am was bad today... yeesh). I have to bring my SS card and driver's license and then fill out some paperwork on campus, and then I officially work at their bookstore! Awesome. He said I'll be helping customers and stuff, and then also probably putting out books and stuff. All things I can totally handle. I'm not bad at customer service, I maintain a fairly cheerful attitude and try not too look too incompetent. I'm nervous about it, but eh. I do it at school all the time at the library. It's just something you learn over time. Answering phones still makes me nervous, but I'm alright with it. No biggie.
You know, I was just thinking. Maybe I'll see some people I know there? I mean, I WILL be working at the bookstore. They all have to go there at one time or another, right? Yeah. That would be interesting. Seeing some of the people I went to school with, maybe. I know of a couple people who went there. OH! Sara still goes there. Haha. I can't wait to tell her. She can come visit and buy books. Ha, I can't believe I forgot that one of my best friends goes to school there. I'm such a nerd! That's awesome. At least I'm pretty sure she still does. Hmm. Oh well, I'll ask her the next time I see her online.
But, there's a couple other people I know that at least used to go there that I wouldn't mind seeing. Nice people, that would occasionally talk to me. Yeah. And one of Peggy's friends goes there (or, like I said, at least used to). Hm, although, I don't know if that school has a four year program, some of them might have just gotten associates degrees and skipped off somewhere? I don't know.
Yeah, now that I think about it, that's probably right. Oh well. There still might be some people I know there. Sara's working on her second year, I believe. Some other people might have started late too. There's always the kids that were a year behind me that might still be going there. Yup. In fact, I wonder if that one girl I saw at Sally Beauty Supply goes there? Maybe? Or maybe she's just working. I don't know. Hm. We'll see.
Haha! I got a job! Whee! It all happened so quickly, I don't think I had time to enjoy it, hehe. I don't think I need to really dress TOO nicely, everyone I saw seemed to be casually dressed. Course some of them were working with shipments and boxes and shit. But, I can just wear nice pants and a plain shirt or something. Maybe get away with nice jeans and a shirt.
Okay, so I was just looking at the bookstores hours online. I won't ever have to work late, which is good. I'll have time at night to go out and shit. They're only open on the next two saturdays for 6 hours, and not open on Sundays. Good good good. I like this. They're open til 8pm Monday-Thursday. I'll probably end up working days like Monday, although I don't know for sure. The other thing is that the ad said it was "on call". So I might not have a set schedule. That's okay, I like spontaneity (to a point). It'll only be for like 3 weeks anyhow. So I figure, Maybe $100 a week? At least. That's all money to go towards books and my bank account at school and stuff. Although I paid for my books with my credit card online, but I'll use whatever money I get from my job to pay off that money on my card. Yes.
Which reminds me, I have to call Monday (or have my mom call for me if I'm at work...) and find out if they're sending me a new card, because mine expires this month. Bastards. Cutting it too close for comfort. Not that I absolutely need the card, but it's weird that they wouldn't send me a new one. They WANT me to spend more with it, cause they know I'll pay it. Whatever.
So, I hope to have some more details on Monday to wow you all with. This is as exciting as my life gets, so soak it in now, kids.
Oh, I took another look at my schedule for school. Yeah, it's going to be a little crazy. I have it all typed up on my computer upstairs, including my work schedule. Short summary, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays will all suck. That's when all my classes are. 3 classes each day. With a lab on Wed and Fri. So, I pretty much will be out of my room from 9am til 3pm all of those days. Mondays, I'll be out of my room from 9am til 5pm, actually. Because I work from 3-5pm, and although my class ends at 2:30, that's not enough time to go back to my room because it's going to be at the other end of campus. I'm glad, because I'll use up more of my Cage dollars this year. I wasted so much money not eating at the Cage last year. Yikes.
But yeah, I work 3-5 Monday and Tuesday (in Acquisitions), Wednesday from 4-6 (Circulation desk... well, at least I get an hour back home before I have to trek out again..) Thursday from 5-7 working the new position, the Periodicals Desk, then Sunday from 12-2 in Circulation (yuck, I open). Tuesday and Thursday rock, because I work later in the day, I can sleep in. Though I have to do homework those days. Eh. But! I can take extra hours on those days. And I have time to go home or something Friday and Saturday. Saturday will be my favorite day in the world, because I'll get to relax.
Okay I have to go look for information on how to beat this Jet Set Radio Future game. Maybe I'll post more tomorrow.
august 14, 2002
Lately I've been a part of a rather heated discussion in an online forum. All about religion and christianity and all that bullshit. It started with some girl asking about our interpretations of the first amendment in regards to not allowing people to display religious symbols in public view in government buildings. I of course, fully support this idea. They shouldn't be allowed to show that sort of thing in a government building, the government is supposed to remain secular.
As much as I'm trying to keep it a discussion, it sure as hell seems to be turning into an argument. Probably because I'm getting frustrated. People keep misinterpreting, twisting or ignoring things that I say, so that I have to repeat them a dozen times. They keep crying about repressing religion. Religions have been repressed for centuries, I think it's about damn time we do some more.
It's so frustrating how people try to defend their religion, by saying "Well, it's what I believe, you should respect that". I really don't see why. I don't give many people respect, why should a bunch of people I don't know get any of it? It's not like it's illegal to be disrespectful towards someone because of their beliefs. Hell, I don't even think it's against any morals. Oh, except that do unto others thing. But that's stupid. Because I don't like sucking up to people just cause it's nice. I'm a pretty nasty person, truth be told, especially when it comes to religion.
You know why I don't care about making everyone else feel like shit? Because I've put up with it for a long long time. Hell, I still have to put up with getting bombarded by religion every single day.
I'm so sick of everyone acting like atheists don't have any rights just because they don't believe in god. Oh, what I fucking love are people who respond to statements that god doesn't exist with "You don't know that for sure". That's the most retarded thing I've ever heard. Apparently people who believe no gods exist don't get their beliefs respected, so why bother respecting pro-god beliefs?
But if someone says "I know god is real", they're some sort of fucking saint. That's so hypocritical.
I'm glad I didn't waste too much of my life involved in all that. I mean, I wish I could have been at this stage during high school, but I suppose being this aware by 20 is pretty damn good.
AUUGGGHH!
I don't to post something menial and pointless, but AUGH!
Blockbuster pushed back the Buffy Xbox game's release date to AUGUST 20TH.
Fucking bastards.
Well! What a day.
So, I went to jury duty, and was nervous as all hell on the way over. It's the whole "new situation" thing. Well, when I finally got in the building and everything, I had to ask where to go, and then I went and sat in a room for a while. About 9:15am, they showed this really dumbed down video about being a juror. I swear on the spiders that may or may not live on my car, they actually felt the need to explain who everyone in the courtroom is, and the trial process.
Like:
"This is the judge. They sit at the front of the room."
"This is the bailiff. He's there to keep order." [bailiff stands with arms crossed]
"This is the court reporter. They type everything that's said"
"These are the attorneys." Etc etc.
And in explaining the trial, (as if everyone hasn't seen one on TV at one time or another) they actually felt it was necessary to point out that the attorneys might be (shock! :gasp:) LYING. What? Yes.
"Remember, the attorney is not actually testifying, and is not a witness (a term they explain earlier, for those who live in a cave). They are trying to convince you of their view of the case."
NO! Really?
Anyhow, it was a hoot and a half.
I sat around for about an hour and a half reading/staring into space. Then I decided to get coffee. Now, I have never used a coffee vending machine before, so I was a little confused. It said two things on it: You can use your own cup, or one of theirs; And that you had to put the cup in before selecting. I was confused, because there were no cups lying around by the machine. So, I temporarily gave up and let this older man in back of me go ahead. I explained to him I didn't know how they worked. He turned out to have a delightful Irish accent, and explained that the cups did in fact drop down from INSIDE the machine. Ha, duh. So that was nice.
Then at 11am, the woman who announces everything announced that the two cases they had lined up for today had been settled and that we all got to go home with our checks for $17.20. Sweet. That's more than I've ever made for two hours of anything in my life. Yay.
So, it wasn't all bad. I left early and hung out with Kevin all the rest of the day. Awesome.
august 13, 2002
Horoscope #1:
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
"A closed book reopens for an unexpected epilogue. Relationships are endlessly surprising. Last week's predictions and ultimatums have no effect under the present conditions."
Title of book: The Summer I Wished the World Would End.
And what predictions/ultimatums? Huh?
Horoscope #2:
"August 23 - September 22
Consumer madness descends before you realize what's hit you. Your quest for material possessions has you running all over town in order to get the best bargains. Be sure to do your shopping in the company of someone who retains a shred of objectivity. You shouldn't trust yourself with credit cards today, Virgo. If you can't pay cash for it, perhaps you don't need it after all. Don't be fooled by appearances. Expect to get exactly what you pay for."
Okay, they really are trying to drive home this whole shopping problem in this. I went shopping YESTERDAY. It's too late now, you bastards.
Tarot card for today:
"Ten of Cups - Satiety: Pursuit of pleasure crowned with perfect success but incomplete. Matters arranged and settled as wished. Lasting success. Peacemaking and generosity. Success and security are reached after many hard times. Fulfillment and joy in life."
Huh?? They are WAY off on this one. Sheesh. Stupid online fortune telling.
Oh well. Gotta get ready I guess.
Among various other things this summer that I'm not very happy about, I never thought in a million years that I'd be on jury duty. Not me. I'm not really a citizen, I just live here. I'm still a kid, they can't ask me to sit on a jury. Nuh-uh.
So it's 7:39am and I have to leave in about a half hour or so. I'll be spending, at the most, about 7 and a half hours at the courthouse. I'm only a sub-juror at the moment, and hopefully it'll stay that way. If I don't get called into a courtroom at some point during the day, I get to go home at 4:30, and then that's it. No more. But, chances are, I will get picked to at least be interviewed to be on a jury. And I'll have to go back like every day this week, probably. I hate this so much. I don't want to do this. And no, the prospect of assisting American justice doesn't entice me. Because even if I'm picked to be on a jury, it'd be me and 11 other yahoos. What good would that do?
Basically, I'm being forced to spend the majority of my day in a courthouse in a town I really would rather not be in, supposedly "helping" a government I don't care about, and have no trust in. Fantastic. My jobless, boring, spider infested, depressing summer is finally complete. I think I'm going to flip out.
That's reason enough to send me home. The risk that I very well may freak out and at least scare, if not injure/kill, people in the vicinity.
I wonder if my horoscope says anything about this.
august 10, 2002
I have this friend, who has a group journal website. I read it occasionally, and sometimes I do find things I don't agree with but despite that I make minimal comments. Because disagreeing isn't anything to really care about in most situations.
But today, well, I am just appalled.
He was talking about that damn Anna Nicole Show. I agreed with him about everything else, I think she's ridiculous and so's the fact that she has a show. This whole reality thing is getting a little crazy. Anyhow, he started going on and on about how she was fat and shouldn't be a sex symbol because of how big she is. Wow. He didn't say it the way I did, he was a lot meaner about it.
I'm just shocked. I always am when people make fun of other people's size or weight. It makes me sick. It's like, are you 12 years old or something? Most people grow out of that shit.
Anna Nicole Smith may not be some skinny or super toned model, but I'd MUCH rather have someone with her type of body on TV. I may not particularly like her, but it's not because of her body. It's the way she acts.
Granted healthier bodies tend to be more attractive due to things Nature instilled in us. However, you can be a bit bigger and still be well within a healthy range.
I rank discrimination against those types of people right up there with racism and sexism. It's just so immature and stupid to care so much about a person's weight/size.
I hate saying things like,
I hate the world
I want to die
My life sucks
I'm a horrible person
Why does anyone put up with me?
Why do I put up with me?
Etc, etc, etc. Understand? I hate saying those things, in my head or outside. Because it sounds emo and petty and shallow. It sounds like I just have nothing else to do so I decided to feel sorry for myself. Like I want pity or something.
Well, I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but I'm sure some people will be glad to hear this. I don't want your fucking pity. Your dirty guilty pity sure as hell doesn't make me feel better. In fact, it makes me feel just as shitty as you ignoring me or putting me down. Why bother making you do extra work?
So, I want to talk. I'm not purposely feeling sorry for myself. I'm not looking for anyone to say "Oh poor Rachel, she's depressed" because you know what, I really don't give a fuck. You don't really care, I'm sure.
I really do hate this world. And I hate myself for being a part of it. For letting things get to me, and never ever doing anything about it. I'm the typical person who doesn't deserve pity or sympathy because I don't even try. I have very little internal motivation to do anything. External motivation is mostly what works, but sometimes the little amount of internal motivation overrides the external and I suddenly don't want to do what someone else wants me to do and it's like this battle inside.
But I never try to make things better. I don't make plans- good plans- and stick to them. Something always changes. I just give up. No motivation to continue. I have so little energy these days that I feel like I don't want to waste it on making plans and doing things to make life better. I mean, how can you make life better? It's going to be terrible no matter what. Right? Or is it just me? Probably just me. Boring, predictable, no-will-of-my-own me. Mean, uncaring, cold.. me. Is that how I am? Well, sometimes, yes. Yes. If I believed in some sort of personified deity, I'd say they were punishing me for something. But I don't, so I'm going to chalk it up to my lack of involvement in my own life.
I get so completely miserable. Every year it seems like I have more and more uncontrollable fits of crying and sobbing. That feeling of my chest imploding. Is that what your heart breaking feels like? Yuck, I hate that idea. It's so emo and pathetic. But I wonder sometimes.
Maybe our hearts don't break so much as they cave in on themselves in some sort of slow internal attempt at suicide.
That's another thing. This whole lack of motivation/will makes me incapable of comitting suicide. Well, besides the whole fear of death thing. That helps.
So, man have I got myself stuck in a tight spot.
My life feels empty and boring most of the time, but I can't muster up the will to do anything about it. I feel like shit all the time but can't bring myself to change my lifestyles. I'm depressed and crying like every other day (sometimes a more than one day in a row) because of all this, but I just can't kill myself, thereby ending that emotional pain.
I'm so afraid that I'm never going to be anything, and that I'll be like this for the rest of my life.
But that fear just makes me freeze up, unable to do anything to stop it.
I can't stand this. Something's gotta change, because this stress and intense emotion is going to either kill me or drive me crazy.
Maybe, just maybe, I'll go see my school's psychologist this year. Although I have a feeling that would be one of the strangest visits they've ever had.
I'll walk in, say hi, sit down. They'll ask me why I'm there. I'll try to start explaining, start crying, be incoherent and then just run out before they know it. I can't talk to people about this without crying. Hell, I'm half crying right now. Not in that there are tears running down one side of my face but not the other. I mean I keep almost crying but I stop myself because I'm downstairs and my dad and sister are right in the next room.
I hate crying in front of people. I hate talking directly to people about how I feel. I can sort of do it online, but still not well. The few people who talk to me ask how I am, and I do the obligatory "Okay" because that's what you have to do. Because mostly, people aren't really looking to hear "I'm doing horribly, I want to die, I'm sobbing uncontrollably. How about YOU?"
Well, I think that's enough of that for tonight at least. I hate talking this way but sometimes there's nothing left inside of me, and this is all that will come out.
august 8, 2002
Okay, I never talked about what happened after TMBG, did I? Well, it involves spiders. Many spiders.
First of all, I'm really afraid of spiders. ARACHNIPHOBIA. When I see spiders (or bees or snakes) I run and scream. Although spiders I will kill, if I have to. Kill them dead. But I'm so incredibly afraid of them.
Well, that night after the concert Kevin and I went to a restaurant. There are two main places to park.. right by the entrance there are like 8 or so spots, and then a slightly bigger lot farther back, near houses or something. Well we brought a little something back with us, I think. Because as I was pulling out, we noticed a couple of spiders on my car. One on the windshield which I promptly killed with wipers, then one I saw by my OPEN window (immediately closed it) and one ON Kevin's window which disappeared, and ended up INSIDE the car later. When we got back to my house, Kevin got out of the car and killed a couple more. He thought maybe they came from the tree in front of my house, I thought they came from whatever yard we parked by. In any case, some got on his car. Yay.
Since then, I've found a bunch more. We killed at least 5 more in an IHOP parking lot Monday night. I just killed two tonight before I left Kevin's house. This is NOT cool. I'm hoping there isn't some sort of nest somewhere... Because I'd probably just throw my car off a cliff to be honest.
Although, they don't seem to get INSIDE the car. Mostly outside.
Which is why as soon as I can, I'm getting a hose and spraying every inch of my car. Probably tomorrow during the day. They don't come out during the day. Just at night. So maybe I'll wash them away?
My dad says he knows the kind of spiders though. They're harmless. Probably just garden spiders or something. He said we get them in the house, mostly in the summer. Not a whole lot, but enough to notice I guess. Well, I told him, they apparently really like my car.
Funny thing is, neither of my parents have noticed said spiders on/in their cars. Strange.
But, I'm no longer parking underneath that tree.
And in trying to learn more about what to do about spiders, I started reading all this stuff about Brown Recluses and Black Widows. Not that they're common around here. Mostly in Southern Illinois I think. But they can live around here I suppose.
People rarely die from getting bit by one of those, but it seems like a rather nasty experience.
Now I keep feeling itchy and sensitive all over. I keep thinking, what if a spider is right here and I don't see it? What if one's in my hair? What if one's in my clothes? Or crawling on me at night? Questions only an arachniphobe would ask.
Thank milton the spiders on my car are relatively small and stupid. They seem to not do anything but mill around and secrete web stuff. But they still, must go. They can live wherever they want, just as long as it's not anywhere near me or anywhere I might ever go. Because if they do, squash squash squash. I hate hate hate bugs. Crawling things. Flying things. Biting things.
I even hate ladybugs, because at school we get crazy aggressive Ninja ladybugs that BITE. And are all over the fucking place. Which reminds me, I have that to go back to. Oh yay. They fucking swarm around doorways. And bite. Oh, I said that. Well, it's annoying. And hurts.
Okay I have to go to bed. I'm getting up in 6 hours to go eat breakfast with my family before they go to the zoo. And before I flood out all spiders living on my car. Please please please let this work. Or else I'll have to write a letter to John Goodman begging him to come and kill all the spiders.
august 5, 2002
This moving message in the status bar of Moraine Valley's home page makes me feel like a serial killer. Like a psychotic, murderous fiend.
Or maybe like a coward, too scared to take others lives so he plunges the knife into his own gut just to make everything stop.
My head feels too tight, and having headphones on feels like I'm forcing the music into my ears and this only makes my muscles tense up more and more. Still, I'm somehow not taking them off.
I know I'm not like them, but I feel like every girl who has ever screamed out incoherently in the middle of a loud fast song. Maybe just because I feel all those screams stopped up inside of me, and it really wouldn't matter if it were these girls, or those girls or any girls and maybe even screaming like screeching, like sirens, like breaking would feel good too.
Not doing anything makes me want to leave the house less and less, even when I'm so fed up with everyone inside and even myself inside. Maybe I'm the one who needs to just leave for a couple days. A few days. A week. Longer. But then the question becomes, am I taking a much needed break, or just running away from myself once again?
So I've heard that a good way to organize your mind is to first organize your environment. Your office. Your room. Your house. Apartment. I keep trying and I keep losing. Does that say anything about my mind? And what exactly does it say about my mind?
At least, that I'm confused about a lot and I don't really know what's going on inside my head. Except hurt. Lots of hurt. Pain. Red. Inflammation. Something anti-aspirin. And anti-contentment. It just eats contentment.
All I know is I'm going upstairs to relieve some of this pressure and pain, by any means possible. I have three in mind at the moment.
God, what I wouldn't give for a good massage, at the very least. If I can get nothing else I need right now, I would appreciate just a little bit of that.
MOD are you out there?
I can't see your face
But you left a trace
On a data back road
That I almost erased.
Not even God takes this long to get back.
So get back.
Cause I hit a fork in the road,
Lost my way home,
Cut off from the main line,
Like a disconnected modem.
Hello?
Tap in a code,
I'll reach you below.
No one should brave the underworld alone.
Hello, how do I reach you?
Hello hello hello, how do I reach you?
Word has it on the wire
That you don't know who you are,
Well if you could jack into my brain
You'd know exactly what you mean here.
Fathers are trails on stars in the night,
Mothers are black holes that suck up the light.
That's the memory I filed on the fringe
Along with the memory of the pain you lived in
Hello?
I don't have the password
But the path is chain linked,
So if you have the time
Set that tone to sync.
Hello Hello, Hey are you out there
Hello Hello Hello, Hey are you out there?
Yeah, I switched the Fathers-Mothers in that part. It just didn't feel right saying it the other way.
august 4, 2002
I think I've decided that in my 20 years of living on this planet, of all the songs I've ever heard, the Talking Heads song "Life During Wartime" has to have the best lyrics ever. I mean, the entire entity that is the song is great, but the lyrics are probably the best I've ever heard.
Everytime I listen to it, I just sit and imagine what things would be like if some huge, destructive war broke out where we couldn't really go on living the way we do anymore. At least, a huge war that didn't involve nuclear weapons. And like... it would be different than other US wars, because we wouldn't be protected, it would pretty much be every man for himself... Yeah. I don't know, I would have to go into great detail to explain everything.
But for some strange reason I'm incredibly attracted to the idea of survival being priority number one. I don't look at our world and see that. Most people's first priorities are things like money, family, friends, love, a good job,.. themselves. That's so different than survival.
I guess maybe the reason this all sounds so good to me is because I think that's the only thing that would actually motivate me to do something. If my survival required me to leave home, drive fast, drop out of school, leave my material possessions behind if they can't help me in that survival,.. you find out what's really important to you when you think about that. And it's true, some of the things I find out about myself I don't necessarily like. But not all of them. I don't know.
I just hate how materialistic and capitalistic I am. I can say, "Well it's hard not to be in this country" and maybe it is, but I'm sure I could be doing things differently than I do. So yeah.
Mad props to the Talking Heads for writing my favorite lyrics ever in the world.
Oh yeah... here's a link to the review of my journal...
http://www.theweblogreview.com/review.php?id=1396
About 2 seconds after I wrote that last entry, I got an email saying this journal had been reviewed for The Weblog Review. I was kind of nervous to see what would be said, but I read it right away anyhow.
I actually got a very good review. Yeah, I guess I am surprised.. I generally don't think I do many things well. So.. getting a good review on my journal is great. Although apparently I typed in my title wrong or something :x But that's okay, the reviewer didn't seem to mind.
I also am surprised that they liked my songs. I feel bad sometimes that I rip on them so much. It's only because I don't listen to the same music I listened to when I wrote those songs. Plus, I never really think anything I do is that good.. So it's hard for me to sit and listen to them without thinking about how different I am now, how much further (or how not-so-much further) I've come in songwriting and without criticizing them to pieces. I should just be proud I suppose, at least in that I can say, "Hey I wrote these songs when I was about 16, that's not bad for that age".
So now, I'm remembering things that happened when I wrote these songs and recorded them. First of all, I remember when Sara and I were both into writing music and we'd talk about it a lot, and jam. And she'd always be so surprised at how many songs I had written. I always did work a bit faster than her, I suppose. Although, I think they'd be better if I hadn't written them so fast, but that's okay. And I'm thinking about how I made tapes of my songs and gave them to my friends, and they really liked it. And how this one girl I knew played my tape for my English teacher, and she was so surprised that I was a musician (Hell, I'm sure she barely knew what my voice sounded like). And I'm thinking about how I gave Chris my tape. And I'm thinking about how I actually never gave Peggy one, and so she doesn't know how I sound I don't think.
I do want people to hear my songs, and I do want my closest friends to hear them. I do want to promote myself and just do something instead of nothing. But I always wonder if maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I have no right to ask people to listen. Maybe I'm not good enough, and they'll say "oh yeah, that's good" even if they don't mean it. Or non-friends will say "that's not so good, go away". Maybe it would be too self-centered and obnoxious. Maybe.
Well, for now I won't force it on anyone. If someone asks to hear my music, I'll totally let them. That's not an issue. In fact, I'll be ecstatic. Yeah.
Okay, bedtime soon. I want to be up at a decent time tomorrow. I think sometimes that I don't have many reasons for wanting to get up before like 1pm. One is so I don't feel so run-down/depressed, another I suppose is getting to talk to people in other time zones if I'm online early enough, and also so maybe I'll make myself do some of the random errands I seem to let pile up.
OOH! I just saw that Sleater Kinney is coming to the Metro in October... I've never seen them live!! Eek! That's so great! We HAVE to go!
That reminds me, I can't find the one CD of theirs that I have :\ I can't imagine where I could have left it. It's not in either of my CD books. It isn't in my boombox. It can't be in my stereo. I don't see it around my computer. Unless it's in one of my parents' cars. Hmm... that's right. I'll have to check that sometime soon. It's entirely possible.
Otherwise, I dunno where else it could be.
Well, I just thought I'd mention the show. I'll totally have to go. AWESOME.
august 3, 2002
Toooo much weird stuff going on. I need to go to bed before something else strange happens to me.
Maybe more details about the TMBG show and post-show freakout tomorrow.
august 2, 2002
I just found out that one of my old friends is a born-again Christian, now. That's so weird. I mean it has been a while since I've talked to her, and I know I've changed a bunch too. But wow.
I don't care if my friends are Christian, really, as long as they aren't blatant about it. For example, as long as they don't mention God in every other sentence, don't try to convert me or "save my soul" (I HATE that) and all those other things that raging Christians love to do. It's their personal choice, whatever.
It's just that I think them being Christian or Catholic or whatever sometimes affects how much we have in common. Most of my views are pretty against what the Catholic Church and Christianity believe in general. Not to say Christians don't mold their beliefs to their own ideas.
For example, I'm pro-choice. I don't think there's anything wrong with abortion as long as it's done by a doctor, in a hospital, in a clean place, with clean instruments, etc. I have no moral issues with that. Because frankly, why put a woman through the discomfort and pain of childbirth just for adoption or something like that? Yes, put another child on this Earth to suffer. Wonderful plan. Sorry, but I don't think we should be in any hurry to have as many kids as we can. We've got enough idiots, babies, leeches, criminals, etc. Fuck that.
Also, I believe in independence. No one should use God or Jesus as their crutch.
post more later
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
I HATE THE FUCKING INTERNET! I HATE COMPUTERS! WHAT THE FUCK! WHYYYYY?
::throws computer on floor and beats it with a hammer::
Okay so maybe I didn't. But I could. I'm pissed. My computer always has problems with the internet late at night and it drives me NUTS!! I fucking hate these machines sometimes.
august 1, 2002
Poor me, I stayed in alllll day and just did website/internet things. Boohoo.
So yeah, that website I thought up is like... up.
The Screenname Game
Yeah, I'm such a nerd.
Okay well... I'm going to go finish off the day by playing video games. Rock.
Yeah, I'm working on that website idea I mentioned the other day. I have to say, I'm really proud of the design so far. The font may not be working, but I'm sure it'll be fine. But it's one of my finest pieces of web design, I think.
I keep thinking, "Hey maybe this'll be one of those things that really takes off." Even though I know it won't. It's mostly to give me something to do. I know I have things I COULD do. For other websites. But, this is easier to update and will hopefully be more entertaining.
Anyways, it's late, and I need to go to bed. Got a full day of laziness ahead.
By the way, I posted in my livejournal earlier... here
Bye.