september 26, 2002
My new at-least-once-a-week ritual:
Going to the campus coffeehouse,
Leaving up an away message for people to come visit if so inclined,
Getting Chocolate Vanilla coffee (or a suitable substitute),
Sitting outside for a couple hours (unless it's too cold),
Watching cars, people and the moon go by.
And writing. Writing kind of comes with that package.
It'd be hard to avoid that part of it..
So, if you read this, and you live in the area, I highly suggest you come visit me when you see that away message up. No one did tonight, but it was only the first time. I would love a visitor or two to share my down-time with.
That includes you. <3
september 25, 2002
Sorry for the lack of updates, but... things have been a bit busy over here. So much reading. So much homework. But I'm determined to make everything work and still make time for website things. So bear with me.
I'm also incredibly tired. That's my fault, I was up late studying in unnecessarily complicated ways for a mere quiz. I'm a little crazy, to boot.
All I keep thinking about is making it through to Friday night. Friday I'll still have to go through all this class shit, but at least I don't have to work and I don't have anything to do Saturday. Maybe I'll ask Sara if she wants to practice on Saturday then? Yeah. Depending on how many various things I have to do.
I also have to email the art department secretary again. To ask about what I'm supposed to do with my timecard on Friday... bring it to her, I think? Or maybe she meant bring it to Human Resources... ugh...
More, later. Hopefully.
Still trying to decide if it's better to be busy and feel like I'm accomplishing something, or to have less to do and have more time to relax and enjoy the few parts of life that I can.
september 20, 2002
Today ended my streak of great days. I'm still doing good, because it's not like the things that happened this past week just stopped happening or ended. It's just that today, it rained. And apparently my backpack doesn't keep it out very well. My things didn't get too wet, but enough wet to piss me off. Despite my umbrella, my pants and sweatshirt got pretty wet. Yuck.
But, I'm here to talk about my birthday and everything. It began Wednesday night at midnight, which I was thoroughly surprised about. Michael came online and gave me a wonderful IM version of Happy Birthday. I got a couple emails from my parents. Sara came over and we hit up Bennigans for some food. Their baked potato soup is the best soup I've ever had. Seriously. Peggy also surprised me by leaving me a text message on my cell phone! Fun stuff. Then later, Kevin and I got together to celebrate the whole anniversary thing.
Oh! And Sara and I "practiced" for about 10 minutes. She had this song she was working on, but no lyrics. So I grabbed a couple sheets of lyrics, and tried to improvise some sort of melody to go along with her song.. it worked alright I suppose, but it would have been better if we had more time. So, we're hopefully going to get together sometime soon to do that.
Lisa left me a message last night, too.. it was really nice to get. I don't hear that kind of stuff from people very often. In the past 5 days, I've gotten to hear somewhat similar things from 3 of my friends (each a little different, but all special in their own ways). Well, 3 including her. I think that's part of what made it so good.
As wonderful as things have been, a feeling like that can't last forever. Today pretty much cut off my supply to the happiness hose. It's just the little things. I had class all day. I was still really tired this morning. It was raining really hard and it got into my backpack. I've been wet all day. I have so much homework to do. I haven't started my web design job yet. This chair I have for my desk sucks and my back hurts. But, I'm complaining too much. I should be reading. Or working on homework.
Although I've been kind of working with very very simple programs and editing things, I get to write my first program for a homework assignment. Yesss. This is going to be fun.
See? Still good things. And everytime I read something nice someone said to me, I'll remember how I felt these past days. But, it's just one of those things. Can't last forever, as much as I try.
september 17, 2002
I just wanted to come on here and say that I feel the best I ever remember feeling in my whole life. You have no idea how much I just want to cherish this exact moment forever. Because I don't know if anything will ever come close to it.
I just feel so fulfilled and happy. Like everything is finally doing something right. Hell, I can't even do this justice. It's like I could live in right now for the rest of my life and have no problems ever. I feel good physically (at least better than I usually do in the morning). I feel great emotionally, which is such a rare thing for me. And I feel challenged and mentally/intellectually stimulated. College is way better than high school. I think I'm finally getting that for once.
These past couple days have been good, and last night it got great. This morning is the best morning I've had in a long time. I can't even go into all the little details that make it great, because there's a bunch and I'm sure I'd be longwinded and I can't do that because I have reading to do today. So, this will just have to do.
And you know, it feels that much better to know that I got here on my own. I'm not relying on some abstract, invisible deity to run my life and help me out. My hard work got me here. How great is that?
I can't remember the last time I had something so great to report in here, so I'm a little unclear on what I should do.
Remember that job I told you about? The web design one? Well, as you've probably already guessed, I GOT IT! I am the NCC art department's super duper web page designer / assistant. Yes!
I would love to write some more in here, but I have soup waiting for me in the microwave. I'll be back later, maybe. I don't have anything to get up early for tomorrow.
september 16, 2002
So here I am, in the library's computer lab. Because I had an hour break between my computer science class and my community psych class. I got lunch and got my books, but I still had tons of time. So I came here to be online. I considered reading one of my textbooks to get started. Then I thought: Computers! Internet! Things I don't have to think about to do! And well, here I am. Like I said.
So far things have been fine. My room is nice and big. My roommate has been working out well. Aside from getting woken up a couple times, I slept fine. I'm not too annoyed by being woken up by someone else, because I don't get REALLY woken up. I'm conscious, but my eyes are still shut and I'm still half sleeping. So I roll over and ignore them and it's all good.
Plus, she left the TV on when she went to bed. She just turned down the volume. That's cool with me, I don't mind. It's just that I need something to look at for a while til my eyes get tired enough. Noise helps, but I hear enough of it from having the window open. That reminds me, I couldn't close the window this morning. I think we have to move a couple more things around before that can happen.
Well, I don't have much more time here. I'll probably leave in a few minutes to get to my next class. Psychologyyyy. My computer class was great, because I'm so eager to learn everything. Psych is usually good too. My last class should be the best, it's going to be Math music and art. Rock. Bye.
september 15, 2002
I don't have much time to sit here and write, but today's the day. Most of my stuff is down here in the living room. It's depressing, because every year I try and bring less stuff, or get more stuff into less boxes. And it never seems to work. So who am I kidding?
On the other hand, if I WAS able to throw my life into only a few boxes, I'm not sure I'd be so quick to celebrate. I mean, that's kind of depressing in and of itself. That your life can fit into a few boxes. Mine can't, I mean you should see my room. It looks like a normal room now, not an overstocked one.
So, I heard about the room last night. Michelle got to move in early apparently, because she's a part of Campus Ministry (not what you think guys, just chill). That's... I want to say not fair, but then again do I WANT to move in earlier? Not really. Plus, I got all the info on the room from her. I hear it's pretty nice, new furniture, nice closets.. but, she said they had a little trouble with the layout and the only thing they could do was bunk the beds. Hm. I talked to her and told her I kinda need the lower bunk.. I just know if I was on top, I'd fall out and kill myself. I've fallen out of regular beds before, and that hurt enough.
Anyhow, so she's okay with sleeping on top. But, when we get there, my parents and I will take a look at the room and see if we can think of something else to do with it. Probably not, but it's worth a try. Because I was really looking forward to just a single bed like I had freshman year. Oh well.
It's about time for me to go. I haven't eaten yet, and I don't know if I will... we'll see. But I have to get dressed and pack a few last minute things. Then pack the car. We gotta leave before 11am, because I'm too freaked out about it being too crowded. Although, if like 75% of the campus is moved in already... yeah.
I'll update later on tonight, let you know how it's going. If my stomach exploded yet. (I swear, one day I'm going to find out I have 200 ulcers in my stomach...)
september 14, 2002
If you're bored, try taking this. Yeah, I jumped on the bandwagon. What can I say?
Goodnight.
So, tomorrow's my last day at home. And I have SO much to do. I knew this would happen, but did I plan better? Noooo.
I'll make a list though. I always get things done faster when I have a list.
I'm already getting nervous about the move. I'm wondering how many people are going to be there when I get there. If there'll be enough room to park somewhere near the door. There were already a ton of people parked in the parking lots today. But,.. I dunno, maybe a bunch of them were people who were just at the campus, or just at the stadium. Or, if they were students, at least they're already moved in and won't be parked in the circle... if they let us park there. Which they should. I don't care if it is a fire lane, to be honest.
Well, no sense in worrying about it now, because I don't know how things are going to actually be.
Of course, that never stopped me in the past.
Gahhh. See, this is why I get all upset about having to move. All these things to think about. I hate it. They should just make it easier to move back in. More parking spaces. Larger driveway. I dunno. I also have NO clue what my dorm looks like yet. But, when I get there the first thing I'm going to do is go to my room. See if Michelle is there yet. Find my RA. THEN do all the unpacking. Uggh.
I gotta stop this, I'm making myself sick and probably boring you.
september 13, 2002
I was thinking about writing something really stupid about patriotism in here. Let's just say I don't understand it. Why waste my breath on something I'll never say enough about?
Okay, so 3 more days. Well, less than 3 days. Then back to school. I still have so much to do. I always put it off til the weekend I move back.
Funny, in this song I was listening to, just as I was thinking about that, the lyrics were:
48 more hours to go
"48 more hours" that's all they say
in two more nights
I hear a sound
A shrill from one thin wall away
Hm.
Sigh. Today was alright. I went out with Sara, she filled out applications while I kept her company. We got food. Talked a lot. Then I came home and went right back out again with my mom and sister, because they were going to the store. And my mom offered to buy me whatever else I need for school. I took her up on that, naturally. I got a new pillow, some more food/things I need. I hoard. I hoard things like you wouldn't believe. Just because I know it'll save me money later on.
I know I should do more in the way of packing tonight. I may or may not, depending on how awake I feel after all this. But tomorrow I have to get up semi-early, because Kevin and I are going to Naperville to deposit checks, buy parking permits and he's getting his books.
I hope I get to talk to Michelle again before school starts. I don't really have any questions or anything for her,.. well, I do have one. I'm wondering if she knows her definite schedule already. But, aside from that, I just kind of want to talk. Because we're going to be living together starting Sunday and it would kind of suck to start it off cold. That's how living with Cathy started. It was a bad sign. At least we've already worked out a bunch of things. She uses a loft, I just use the regular bed. She has a TV with a VCR built in, I have a fridge and microwave. So things are fitting together well. I told her I have a big fridge and that she can use it if she wants, but she said she doesn't use it that much. Well, the offer stands. But yeah... I just keep going over things in my head. I don't want to make any mistakes and I don't want things to get too weird or anything. She reminded me a lot of Lindsey, and I want it to stay that way because Lindsey was such a great person to live with. Damn, I miss her. I wish she still went here. It's weird to say that because we haven't talked in a while, but when you live with someone for 10 weeks or so, there's some kind of connection there.
I shouldn't think about this too much. It's just not a good idea.
But, I have a couple more days to get everything together. Saturday my parents might go to one of their friends' parties. I'll just be here, waiting for it to be Sunday. I swear, I'm taking 2 Tylenol PMs that night, because otherwise I just WON'T sleep. I hate that. Or, I'll just take allergy medicine. Ahaha. That'll put me out faster.
Okay, time to try and do something productive.
september 12, 2002
I guess it was silly of me to expect them to write me back tonight. But I keep compulsively checking my email, thinking maybe a message will be there. I have to remember, they have to wait til tomorrow anyhow to get in all the other applications.
Ha.. I just remembered, my journal was one of the sites I listed for them to look at. Hmm. Well, maybe my enthusiasm and excitement will give me an advantage over the other applicants? :D
Well, since I have this thing about being really honest in my journal, I'll just forget about someone accidentally seeing me being so human and not hiring me when they find out. I really want this job. There aren't many things I've really truly wanted in life. Well,.. let's not ever count to see how accurate my estimation is. But, I've never wanted a job like this before EVER. The bookstore job this summer was all about money. I wouldn't have cared too much if they rejected me. The job at the library at school I did sort of want, and I would have been a bit upset if they hadn't hired me. But I would have found a job somewhere else probably and things would have been fine. My job at the library at home? I couldn't get anything else. I did sort of want it, but it wasn't my lifelong dream.
This, I really want. I think it's going to be a hard blow if I don't get hired. Although, that's life for you right? One hard blow after another. Not that it would devastate me (give me a little credit!) but you know, I'd be disappointed. I've tried to get two non-paying website "jobs" and the two people just kind of blew me off. Shows what kind of people they are. Both, musicians. That figures.
So, we wait. Cross your fingers for me, guys.
september 11, 2002
Hey! So I have some potential good news. I got an email today from the Art Department saying that there's three job openings in the department. One of them is for a web designer (!!!!). Naturally, I applied. They're actually accepting applications at the student job fair tomorrow, but they said if you can't make it you can just send them an email with all your information. So I totally did.
And since it'd be an actual JOB, I'd get PAID for it. Do you know how great that'll look on my resume? I'd only need to work 5 hours a week, but that'd be about.. an extra $25 a week. Hell, that would basically take care of my groceries for the week, and then I'd have the other $50 or so a week to save away or use (sparingly) on other things. Yuck, it's depressing how much schools pay their student employees. But, it's nice. It's not like I'm doing anything too difficult for the minimum work-study wage I'm earning.
Hell yes. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I haven't gotten the job yet. I have 31 other emailed art students plus a variety of other students at the job fair to compete with. But it's not like I don't have experience, and I have all their requirements. They require that you have experience in web design and with using a digital camera. I have both! I have both times 20! This would be the perfect opportunity for me. I'm a little pessimistic because I just GOT one job this summer, and good luck tends to not stick around. But, you never know. Maybe it travels in threes. Yes, threes.
Well, I have to go. I thought I'd update everyone.
Speaking of updates, I have an explanation for why I haven't updated industrial beauty in a while. I'm working on a special Halloween edition up until Oct 24 (a week before). It's going to be super. And, a cover up for the possibility of more redesigning? Eh, I dunno. We'll see.
september 9, 2002
You know, about this time of night is when I start to feel like living is a constant struggle. Whether it is or isn't is kind of unimportant for me. If it is, then I'm being too obvious. If it isn't, I'm whining. Right? Either way, it really only matters to you.
So I do this thing and that errand and this action and that phone call, and at the end of the day it still feels like I haven't done much at all. Like I need to do more. As tired as I am, as frustrated as I feel, I still think, "I'm not really doing anything at all". I know that's what's wrong with my life. I have the potential to be doing a lot of things, but I always end up here, in this frame of mind.
I keep having these thoughts about abandoning what little music I have written. I get a couple good ideas, but I never seem to have the resources to try these ideas. I am just so stubborn. I'm stubborn in my belief that it's possible to write something really good by yourself. Well, something that I consider really good. I look at what I have, and it seems so bland and boring compared to some things I hear.
Is it me, or do I sound like a broken record? There's true irony for you.
I realize the Scream movies aren't necessarily... "good". But, I really like them. I can't really pinpoint what it is. I watched all 3 in the past few days, and found myself wishing there was another one. Even though I know it would be the worst of the 3, and pointless.
So, I am stuck. If someone would like to help me, by all means. Because if things continue the way they've been going, there won't be a whole lot I can do. Give up on trying to record something I can legitimately be proud of, or keep trying even though I don't feel it anymore. Even if I know I'll never get to that point. I guess it depends on what happens in the near future.
The thing is, without a band, you have a lot more you have to do. And I don't think I was prepared for it. Though I'd like to think I can rise to the challenge, eventually. But I have to be better than this. I just feel like I'm not quite there yet.
I just keep thinking of all the people I listen to that have done things more or less on their own. I mean, other people contributed but it's still their music. Tracy and the Plastics. Poe. Liz Janes. Fiona Apple. All female, coincidentally.
Even other people, full bands. I think about people and how their voices make the music distinct. The singers voice is the fucking personality of the music. Besides the people I've named already,.. The Shins. Modest Mouse. Talking Heads. Huggy Bear. Clinic. Bikini Kill. Nirvana. CCR.
Shit. This is what I hate about listening to such good music. I look at them, look at me.. and there's no comparison. I just can't get there. I can't even imagine getting there. I'm stuck at the bottom fucking rung. I don't see any personality to my voice, it's just kind of blah. Boring. Average. Yeah, I guess that's because I hear it all the time, so of course I'd hear it that way. I don't know.
september 6, 2002
One of my favorite things about my house is that we have a TV in just about every room. And I like having two TVs on at the same time on the same show when I'm home by myself, I don't miss things then. But this leads to one of my absolute favorite things about not only my house, but my family.
Come to my house between about 4:30 and 6:30. I guarantee you at least three TVs in the house will be on, ALL on the same channel: Fox. Not because I put them on, because my family just likes the Simpsons THAT much. Everybody. So I'll be doing something, going from the kitchen, to the living room to my room, and I never miss a thing. It's beautiful. Stupid, maybe. But that's the way we live and by gum that's how we like it.
I get more birthday presents today/tomorrow. Yay! Hopefully today. I'm so impatient.
I also have to start packing for school. Yuck. But, I'll start this weekend and hopefully I won't have to run around next weekend doing tons of shit.
september 3, 2002
I found out Sleater Kinney is letting people vote on their favorite pre-One Beat songs for their tour's setlist. That's super cool. But besides that, there's a kind of fun poll for what song you'd love to hear them cover. They aren't going to actually play the covers that you suggest, but I think I came up with something I genuinely would love to hear: Sleater Kinney covering the Talking Heads' "Psycho Killer". Just think about that for a second. Super, n'est-ce pas? Oui, d'accord. I have few random french phrases left in me.
I think Sleater Kinney covering ANY Talking Heads song would be great though.
I'm sure everyone has heard of this, but in case you're bored and here, I highly recommend T'inating my journal webpage ( http://www.industrialbeauty.com/journal/journal.htm ) at this site...
http://firefly.sparse.org/~mrt/
Mr. T is super neat.
In other news... one more day at the bookstore. I get birthday presents from my immediate family this weekend. Then in a little over a week, it's back to school. Whee. Fun times ahead.
Oh.. I got out of work early today! As much as it bothers me that I don't find out most things until it's too late, I loved how I walked in this morning, looked at this week's schedule, and found out I only have to work for 4 hours today, and 4 hours tomorrow. Best feeling ever. Then, after that, I believe that's it. I'm going to make sure with my supervisor tomorrow. There's a chance that he'll say, "Well, yeah unless you want to work next week". But, I don't. I always need a week off before I move back to regroup. Otherwise I'd be even more stressed out.
Aaaand... that's it. I think I want to watch Scream tonight for some reason. I'm so terrible.
september 2, 2002
I was fending off a random IM from someone looking for a fight, or to be entertained. I took a look at one of my friend's journals to see if she was back at school and how things were going. I haven't seen her online in a while, and was wondering. So I read her newest entry, and it's talking about how she gets sick a lot, but lets it get out of hand until it gets bad. And she's talking about how no one cares about her enough, that they're all wrapped up in their own problems. And she's talking about how no one but her family would miss her if something really bad ever happened. And she's talking about visions she had, and how she's scared and how there's a lot of things she never tells anyone about herself..
And I literally felt dizzy. I felt shocked and blown away and scared. I felt like I didn't know her anymore. I kept checking to make sure it was her, because for all I knew, it could have been some random stranger.
Now, I'm sitting here trying to think of what to say. I wrote a comment in her journal, told her basically that I was worried and wanted her to talk to me. Said I was surprised at what I read. But I didn't want to write everything I was feeling and thinking because it all should really just be between her and me. But I needed to say something. Although, here I am writing about it all in my own journal. Hm. Well, I doubt anyone who knows her reads this. I don't know. I just still have a lot to get out.
So now I'm scared, because one of the most wonderful people I know, that I feel so lucky to have met, is apparently sick, and has been sick numerous times. And she has visions, but she's never mentioned them to me. I mean the sickness is really what shocked me, but.. it's just everything. That there's so much that I don't know about her.
And that's the other reason I'm scared. I've known for a little while now that I'm not a very good friend. And I keep telling myself I have to change that, that I can change it. That I can start being better and start actually showing people that I care rather than acting like an apathetic asshole as I keep trying to convince them that I do care with just my words. But,.. I haven't. For whatever reasons. That I'm lazy, selfish, set in my ways. It doesn't matter what excuses I have. The fact is, I didn't and now it's coming back to kick me in the ass.
I think I need a day to think. To decide what I'm going to say to Peggy. I have to go to bed, because I have to get up early tomorrow. But after work, I'll email her. I'll tell her everything, I'll apologize, I'll do anything I can. Sheesh, I just hope I can sleep tonight.
september 1, 2002
So okay, today is that family birthday party thingee. It should be nice. Although I found out last night that one of my cousins isn't coming because he got Aerosmith tickets on Friday. There are so many things wrong with that. First of all, Aerosmith isn't THAT good. And he kept telling my mom apparently that it was going to be so good blahblahblah. It's not, because they suck. And he sucks for liking them. Second, he is such a selfish baby. He knew about the party, and still took the tickets. I would understand a bit more if he had gotten them like a month ago before we knew when the party was going to be. But he got them 2 DAYS AGO. He could have said "No, I can't, I have something else I'm doind that day". But no. Because he would rather see AEROSMITH than be here for my sister and I's birthdays, he took the damn tickets. Well fine, I don't want some selfish retarded Aerosmith fan coming anyhow. He never talked to me that much anyhow, I always had this feeling that he didn't really like me that much. Whatever.
In the middle of last night, I got up and started writing something else that I'm sure I'll never finish. I can't write. Not unless it's all in one sitting.
And now Jesus Christ Superstar is on. Ew. Today had better get good fast.