october 31, 2002
For crying out loud, I said I'd be up late, but it's after 11:30pm already.
My back really hurts. I think it was from the way I was lying down earlier. Fucking hell.
Okay, not such a good night so far.
I want some goddamn coffee and possibly a breakfast sandwich from dunkin donuts. Yeah, those things are as bad as McDonalds and Burger King. I can't explain my strange attraction to them.
SARAAAA WHERE ARE YOUUUUU?? CARVING PUMPKINS WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND YOU SAY? Ha.
Yeah, I didn't carve a pumpkin this year. If I did though, I think I might do it the Strong Mad way. Just fucking punch in a couple eyes and a mouth.
Tomorrow's Halloween. I wish I could be just a tiny bit more excited, but it's tough. But, maybe experience it tomorrow will make it better.
Yuck, I have to take digital photos of two studio classes tomorrow. Well, not yuck about taking pictures... yuck because I'm nervous because people are going to be staring at me because I have a camera. I used 'because' WAY too many times in that sentence.
But, I'll just snap a few quick shots, and be out of there in time to have some dinner before work. And fine out exactly what I'm doing tomorrow night. Yes.
I hope Alex doesn't mind if we don't go to that coffeehouse Friday... maybe me and her can for a little while, but I'm sure I'll end up wanting to hang out with Sara and Nia, whatever they're doing. I think Sara mentioned shopping for Vic. It's not high-quality entertainment- well, wait, Sara is pretty entertaining to be honest. Okay well it's not exactly a wonderful cultural activity that's going to enrich our minds, but that's what school is for. And I've had plenty of that already anyhow.
What's your take on Cassavettes?
So, I leave you with a quote from an email from my mother, and a statement that my patience is wearing thin and I may end up calling Sara and yelling at her in about half an hour or so.
"Be happy. I love to see you smile. You have such a beautiful smile. "
Geez, I even sound depressed in my emails. How come I can never tell what emotions I'm conveying to people? And how in the hell did my mom know I wasn't smiling when I wrote her back? Goddamn.
october 30, 2002
Yuck. I feel shitty. I don't know, it's just thinking about stuff.
Like, there's good, and that's good, but then there's the bad thinking. About everything I miss.
I don't think I should feel ashamed to write them in here, because honestly who can blame me?
It's just, I'm trying to only show me being okay, and it's hard when I'm not always okay.
I miss your kisses, and the way you looked at me in Applebee's, and you playing my guitar, and being over at eachother's houses, and driving to your house knowing you're waiting for me there, and being so so close to you, and the holding and your face and the hands and your eyes and the way you always looked at me. And tons of other things I somehow can't put into words right now.
Yeah. I swear, I'll never take someone I love for granted again. Because if I did, I'd be more of a terrible person than I was to have taken someone for granted in the first place. I keep thinking about the hundreds of things I would do and say if I could go back in time. If I had some sort of second chance. I want to say, life doesn't give second chances. I guess it kind of does. Just not the exact second chance you want.
I have way too much shit. I really need to get rid of some of this. My living space is just so cluttered and I'm getting really sick of it.
I had a couple ideas for some artwork, and I really think it would be a good idea for me to do it.
You know, just so I don't make this seem like a terribly sad post, I'm not all "I miss this" and "This is hard" and "I can't handle school right now". No, last night I actually was doing pretty well. Because, as I was drifting off to sleep, I was thinking about how happy he makes me. Because when you look at this without at least the context of the past month, it's not as bad. It's not incredibly wonderful (as anyone who has had feelings towards someone who was just a friend knows) but it's not as bad. It's just me knowing that he makes me happy, and that I love him. And there's some kind of strange confidence and strength in being able to say you know that about someone. Even if they don't feel the exact same way.
You don't become weak from being able to say you love someone that way. You become weak when you start inwardly demanding that they should love you too. Or, that because they don't love you, there must be something wrong with you. That you're not good enough, or attractive enough, or interesting enough. And yeah, sometimes all that comes along with unrequited love (hate that phrase, but it'll do). But, if you can defeat all those bad thoughts, it's amazing how strong you can feel in the midst of all that love. Despite not being on the receiving end of it.
Waiting for lab assignments.. and there's my teacher. Ha. Well, here's a short entry then.
Things are going okay so far.
Looking forward to Thursday.
Not looking forward to taking digital photos this week, but have to.
Bye.
I seem to be in a rather good mood tonight, despite my challenging homework. Maybe, because I pretty much finished it for once. Usually there's at least one question that I don't get and can't answer. This time, I think I did pretty well.
Don't get me wrong, I've still got other things on my mind that aren't so good, but for some reason when I was studying for my quiz and listening to music, I just got in this good mood.
Crush crush crush.
Okay, I should try and get to sleep, I have to get up early tomorrow. I may skip my last class tomorrow to catch up on reading. I mean, lecture is fine and helps, but I just gotta catch up on the book. It's crazy.
Goodnight!
(and <3)
october 29, 2002
I feel kinda sick. I don't know, I have been feeling a little shitty the past couple days. Last night I felt really sick when I went to bed. Today I still don't feel 100% better. I hope I'm not getting really sick. I can handle colds, but I don't want the flu or something.. Hell no. No flus for me. I can't handle the nausea (sp?? what the fuck) and the.. well the getting sick.
I don't know, maybe it's just the weather.. but I don't know. I feel pretty out of it. I'm going to blame the fluorescent light..
You know, I just remembered something from a looong time ago. My dad had a laptop back in the day before everyone had one (because he's worked with computers for a long long time) and he brought it home and had this Win Lose or Draw game on it. And I remember the screen having this weird color to it, and I remember playing the game for a while and then getting really sick and feeling nauseous and out of it. Maybe it's radiation from the computer... Hmmmmm.....
I really do have to get away from this damn thing. I'll try to stay away for the rest of today, except for homework I guess. There's no reason to sit here and wait for someone to talk to me. I can sit and do nothing on my bed. At least that's more comfy!
Okay, later everyone. Yes, I'm doing a bit better since my last depressing post. I always get at least a little better. I have that to rely on.
I feel kinda sick. I don't know, I have been feeling a little shitty the past couple days. Last night I felt really sick when I went to bed. Today I still don't feel 100% better. I hope I'm not getting really sick. I can handle colds, but I don't want the flu or something.. Hell no. No flus for me. I can't handle the nausea (sp?? what the fuck) and the.. well the getting sick.
I don't know, maybe it's just the weather.. but I don't know. I feel pretty out of it. I'm going to blame the fluorescent light..
You know, I just remembered something from a looong time ago. My dad had a laptop back in the day before everyone had one (because he's worked with computers for a long long time) and he brought it home and had this Win Lose or Draw game on it. And I remember the screen having this weird color to it, and I remember playing the game for a while and then getting really sick and feeling nauseous and out of it. Maybe it's radiation from the computer... Hmmmmm.....
I really do have to get away from this damn thing. I'll try to stay away for the rest of today, except for homework I guess. There's no reason to sit here and wait for someone to talk to me. I can sit and do nothing on my bed. At least that's more comfy!
Okay, later everyone. Yes, I'm doing a bit better since my last depressing post. I always get at least a little better. I have that to rely on.
Hilarious thing of today #1:
Watching an old episode of SNL, including a Wayne's World skit, where they mention Naperville for some random reason. Hahahaha. They said Naperville. That's hilarious.
Hilarious thing of today #2 (that was really more like yesterday):
Go to homestarrunner.com and watch things. I highly recommend all the Halloween cartoons (the new isn't hilarious, but is still funny thanks to the King dressing up as Mario), the latest regular cartoon called Parsnips O'Plenty or something like that, and these two Strong Bad emails: Techno, and Guitar.
And now, back to not understanding my Math, Music and Art homework. I hate abstract math theorems and number theory. Bah.
I've got a rumbly in my tumbly.
(Posted just because it's hilarious that I thought of that when my stomach was gurgling. I used to love Winnie the Pooh when I was a kid. I suppose I still have a soft spot for it.)
Yes'm. I love hugs.
Okay, now I'm really done. Like, done done. Like, stick a fork in me done.
Except, don't stick a fork in me. Cause that would kind of hurt.
Well, it's about that time of night where I start thinking a bit too much, and it tends to get my spirits down. I keep thinking about everything that's been going on in the past month. And, thinking about all that could go on in the coming months. Good and bad.
I still have tons of emotions going on inside of me that I want to express, but I promised I wouldn't get too into them on here. I've gone into them plenty of times, there's no need to say it all again.
I think the main thing is, that it's so hard to believe. It feels unreal and unnatural. For me, anyhow. I can't speak for Kevin in all of this, obviously. He's moved on, I suppose. Me? I'm kind of stuck halfway. Just when I n-- no, I'm not going to do this.
I can think of a bunch of homework things to be doing, but I think my day has wound down enough for me to not even care about doing them. I did get a lot of reading done today though. Which is good.
I'm almost done with that Carson McCullers book you bought me for our anniversary.....
Yeah, that's about it. I'll talk some more tomorrow or later tonight maybe about what's been going on with the web design thing. There's a bit to report, I may as well.
october 28, 2002
So, Monday so far hasn't been too bad. Even though I was a little mad about my program for computer science not working. And, now I think I know what at least part of the problem was.. oh well.
But, I'm doing okay. Just frustrated at how long of a day Monday always seems to be. 3 classes, then work, then... exhaustion. But hey, tomorrow I get to sleep in. Which means, I get to sleep til at least.. 10 or 11. Because I want to get up a bit before work to go and get a package from the mailroom. I don't like getting things on M/W/F because then I have to lug it around to classes and work.. no good.
But hey, it's Halloween week. Not that I have anything special planned for the big day, but maybe I'll just wander around a bit and take pictures. Maybe I can get someone to go to a haunted house with me. I don't know if Sara and Nia already have something to do, but maybe I can meet up with them at some point that night.
Weird, I have to work from 5-7pm that day. I doubt anyone will be in here... well, if they are, they shouldn't be. They should be doing Halloween things. Like contacting dead presidents on Ouija boards. Haha, Grover Cleveland. Mr. Cleveland is a nice man. Said he wouldn't have voted for Bush if he had been alive.. fantastic ;).
Busy busy busy. I need to see Peggy sometime before the end of the term. I have no clue what that girl has been up to, but she seems busy. I'm sure I'll see her over winter break, though. I always do. Usually get her a Christmas present.
That reminds me, I have to start thinking about gifts for people. That's one reason I really like Christmas, I love planning out gifts and going shopping for them. Yeah, of course I like getting things too, who doesn't? But, me and Sara are the same way, we like going out of our way for people's gifts. I like to try and do something a little different, make the gift personal. At least for friends and immediate family. I try to do that with extended family, but I don't know them well enough I don't think.
Well, it's almost time to go to class, I'm just going to finish chatting with Michael (! finally get to talk to him) and then it's off to learn about community things. Ugh, my stomach's feeling a bit weird again. Probably those damn chicken fingers I ate at the Cage... I swear, there really is no decent food on this campus. It all gets to you in one way or another.
I'm in the sky when I'm on the floor
The world's a mess and you're my only cure
There's no time for me to act mature,
The only words I know are "more, more" and "more"..
PS, Saturday night was super fun. I haven't had so much fun since.. the last time the three of us got together, haha. No seriously, scary + friends = fun fun fun.
october 27, 2002
So, I woke up kind of in a bad mood today, I apologize for my kind of depressing post. You have to understand though, it comes with the territory that is me. And, that I'm usually only like that when I'm by myself. When I'm with people, I'm generally positive.. just in case you don't really know me, and just read all this, and thought "Hey, what a depressing girl. She always seems down. She must not have any fun."
So, although I never thought I'd do it again, I was driving up and down Archer tonight. Yup, Sara, Nia and I got together late tonight and went for coffee, then decided to drive up and down Archer from the Willowbrook to Resurrection Cemetery. Nia really wanted to see a ghost. Well, sort of wanted.. she was more into the idea than the reality I think :)
So we were driving through those scary ass woods, me screaming everytime the two of them tried to freak me out. We were going to drive to Downer's Grove to find this supposedly haunted restaurant (even though it was sure to be close) but then a funny thing happened, the Check Engine light on my car went on. Nothing seemed wrong, but now I have to go get my car checked to see if there really is anything wrong or if it's just a fluke.
It was late anyhow, I'm glad we went back when we did. I'm fucking tired. I love staying out late, but I think I reached my limit tonight.
I was looking in a JCPenney Gift Book we got in the mail, and I saw this small digital camera that can a) store both lo-res and high-res pictures (not many, but enough) b) stores 16-second pieces of video c) can be used as a webcam. For only $50. That's not bad, actually. I'm hoping I can get it. Then I can record 16-second videos of our escapades down Archer and show you what Sara and Nia are like.. fucking crazy, but I like my friends that way. I'm just a little fucking crazy myself... just a little :)
I also was being stalked by my mother tonight.. when I left my house at 10:30pm, my parents said to call when I got back here, even if it was late. Well, I was out until about 2:15, and I got back here at about 3am. When I got back from parking my car, I looked at my phone and saw that someone had called at some point, and I assumed it was my mom. So, I listened to her message and then called her back. She said she had also called my room like a minute before, and wondered why no one answered. I explained that my roommate was ASLEEP and I was parking my car. I told them I'd be out late..
Anyhow, then I got back in the room and Sara had just come online. My mom ALSO called her cell phone to see if she knew where I was. Crazy. I understand she was just worried, but you know, I said I would call, and I was going to call no matter what time it was.
I dyed my hair today.. but the red that I bought, I think it was too dark. You can't tell the color difference as well in my hair anymore.. dammit. I mean, I like having all dark hair kind of, but I loved how I had it. Now I have to wait another month before I can try and fix it with a lighter shade. Damn Target.
I should get to bed, I have to get up in about... 8 hours. That's enough sleep. I guess.
Hey Kevin, if you read this still, I don't know how you've decided you feel about me at this point, but I still hope we can get to the point of being able to hang out in the future. It just feels kind of silly to not do things with someone you know so well.. but I know we're both still transitioning and have our own things going on. I just thought I'd throw that out there.
october 26, 2002
NO NO NO This is not the way it's supposed to be. I am not supposed to be feeling this way this morning, I am not supposed to do this, because I'm supposed to be better.
I had more dreams last night. He was in at least one part.. but he pretty much ignored me and didn't even acknowledge my presence and didn't say goodbye when he left.
I need to find some masking tape, my heart just fell out onto the keyboard.. Scuse me..
Okay. I almost don't want to go home today. I don't feel like dying my hair. I don't feel like taking a shower. I don't feel like doing laundry. Speaking of, I have to get it ready. I don't feel like eating yet today.
I don't know if this is what happens to everyone, or if it's just me, but when you cry a lot, like sobbing and everything, do you start coughing and feel like your guts are going to eject themselves? Hm. I've always wondered about that, because I've been like that my whole life.
Modest Mouse - Neverending Math Equations.
If this is the way I'm doomed to live the rest of my time here, I don't want it. I want to just get up and leave. But that would be running away. And I'd be a hypocrite because of all the times I've said running away doesn't solve anything. But I've never really ever ran away. I had dreams about running away from home, when I was younger. I kind of ran away from high school when I came here. Well, which was worse, that or this? I guess that. It's just hard to say under the circumstances. There, I endured a lot for 4 years. I'm convinced I developed some sort of strange stomach condition freshman year, because my stomach hurt every single day that year, and now I constantly have problems.
It's stress, I know it is. I've said it before, but I'm sure I already have like 200 ulcers.
Well, I've put off going as long as I can. I have to go.
Here's to living in the past and wondering why.
Okay, correction. Daylight savings starts tomorrow night (or, Sunday morning,) at 2am. I got my days mixed up. Whatever. Fucking fucking fucking whatever.
Just one more thing to add to my list. Good-fucking-night.
I was really looking forward to today. It didn't turn out how I expected, but that's business as usual.
We ended up just going back to our respective homes after sitting in the coffeehouse til 11pm.
I really don't know what they expected, I guess no one believes me when I explain how the western suburbs are?
Not that I'd expect any downtown coffeehouses to be that much different, to be honest. Slightly different. Maybe more pretentious. Definitely more people there. Maybe more pretentious people there.. I hate people who think they're better than you are for being more "artsy" or "indie" or whatever scene they're trying to be a part of. Fuck that shit.
I don't know how much of an impact this will have on me, but I thought today that a good ideal in life to have is instead of avoiding environments you don't like, and running away from things, it's better to try and change them so that you do fit in them. Not completely change them, because that's selfish and ridiculous. Just, change it enough so that you feel a part of it.
Anyhow, I have a semi-headache right now, and I am tired, so I'm going to stop waiting up for Sara and go to bed. She's probably in bed anyhow.
We've fallen back one hour, officially. Yay, an extra hour of sleep. Fingers crossed that I a) have good dream or b) don't remember my dreams.
Oh yeah, I did get my coat. I'll post a picture up here some day if I remember to take one of it.
Tomorrow, home. Tonight, trying not to think about certain things that keep popping up in my mind that are stupid to think about since all they do is torture me. Sometimes I wonder if I want to be more miserable. Most of the time, I think that when I'm already doing not-so-great, I'm just more susceptible to this stuff.
This is my favorite disease
I am sleeping in his dreams.
And the TV is on,
It is seeping into me.
It is only 3,
So it's Jeopardy.
You can go and burst my tiny bubble,
Blow me off without a care,
But I am sleeping where I want to.
This is my favorite time.
I can sleep until the phone rings,
And I doubt that it will.
You can go and burst my tiny bubble,
Blow me off without a care,
But I am sleeping where I want to.
october 25, 2002
Today was alright I suppose, at least as alright as it can be given the circumstances.
Between classes, I was sitting outside in the back of Godlspohn, where my psych class is. It strangely enough had this big effect on me, even though it wasn't necessarily some incredible act I performed. It was important, because.. well okay, there are these two concrete slabs on each side of the door, and they slope down, so you can sit on them at the high end, and put your feet on the lower end. It's comfy. Anyhow, while I was sitting there, I remembered how last year I used to once in a while hang out with Melisa back there, and she'd be sitting there like that. I don't really know how to explain it, it just had this.. connection for me.
I have been thinking recently about how I miss her being there on campus.
Kevin still seems a little bit distant, not necessarily when he's talking to me, but.. I don't know, when he leaves I guess. But, I just keep thinking, I can't expect him to be able to act the way he was at the beginning of last week, before I acted out senselessly. And, it's at least nice to have someone to talk to between classes, even moreso because it's him.
Bridge of nose still twitching. Not good. Although, it would be worse if I were Samantha from Bewitched. Shit would be happening every 3 seconds. Well... except it kind of does anyhow on that show. Hm.
So, very very soon, I am leaving for the thrift store. And I think, maybe Target. I may or may not buy hair dye, but I'm thinking of looking at some clothing items that I would never trust to get at a thrift store... if you're an average thrifter, I think you know what I mean.
Yes, and then tonight, it's open mic night. Fantastic. Looks like Sara and Nia will be meeting me there though. That's okay. I'll bring my guitar too just in case one of them wants to break out with a song. Not me! I'm not ready. I'm a wuss.
You know, I saw somewhere that the World Inferno Friendship Society and the Cougars are playing a show together in Chicago at some time in the future. Fucking hell, that's going to be one crazy show... the Cougars being Hot Stove Jimmy's new incarnation. And they're like... if there is any true satanic, evil ska, they did it. They turned less ska as time went on, which is fine with me because I did too. And the WIFS... they're just plain insane. I saw them... I think with Hot Stove Jimmy, actually. Hmm. But they kinda scared me, but yet I was mesmerized. Fun stuff.
Okay, I think I'm rested enough, and I have to get going so I have enough time. Rahhhh. I'll write about our fun at the coffee place later tonight. Bye!
I've been doing alright in terms of dreams. I've had a couple with Kevin in them, but nothing that really got to me yet.
Last night, I had a dream that we were together again. But, that he broke up with me. Twice. For two different girls.
Let me explain, a bit. In my dream, the reason he had to break up with me twice, is because there seemed to be more than one girlfriend function that I was performing, and he decided to break it up between a couple girls. Yeah.
Although, when we were together, it was neat because we were talking about.. books or movies or something. Maybe both together. Oh well.
I still miss him a lot. It's funny, pretty much anything I do I can think of a story related to it that involves him. And, I still bring him up when talking to someone, like saying "Oh yeah, Kevin mentioned that, he said ----". Sometimes, when other things in my life aren't quite going right, I think about how just lying somewhere in his arms would make me feel so much better. He is the kind of person that can do that.. yeah.
So, yeah I slept kind of crappily last night. But today's Friday, so I at least have that to look forward to.
Though, it's raining. Yuck.
But, I have to try and be positive. I don't want to seem too down today. It just wouldn't do any good.
The Cosby show is so weird and cute sometimes. Bill Cosby was sitting in their kitchen with Claire (I don't remember the actress' name, and this is easier). And he had bows stuck on his head for SOME reason that I must have missed. Well, they were sitting there talking about college. And how they used to talk about getting married and having children. And you know, general stuff about how much they love eachother.
Oh sigh.
It's kind of depressing.
So's the fact that my twitching eye muscles have passed it on to the bridge of my nose. I swear on Bill Cosby's bows that the bridge of my nose has been twitching allll day.
And, I forgot to fill out my time card for the art department. God dammit. I have to get up or leave slightly earlier tomorrow so I'm not screwed out of about 5 hours of work. Ugh.
Tomorrow, after class, I'm going thrift shopping. I kind of want a coat. I know I have a winter coat at home, but I want something different so I have a choice. Plus I haven't thrifted in a while. And, I can always use more shirts and/or pants (if I'm lucky enough to find some I like).
Hmm. I wonder where Michelle is. She's probably okay, I just wonder sometimes. I'm like my mom, seriously...
Seasons come, seasons go
And the next thing you know
You're right back where you started
But a whole lot smarter
All that matters is right now
So breathe in and breathe out
All that matters is right now
So come on and get down
To the feel good hit of the fall.
How true, how true.
october 24, 2002
Ha, my "forever friend" has posted yet again.
Damn, I suppose I will never know your identities, "someone who cares" and "forever friend" but I guess it's meant to be that way.
You know, I do once in a while tell my friends how I really feel about them. And, I did have this great connection with someone when they told me what they thought of me, and you know, I don't remember if I actually said what I thought about them... I think I was caught off guard?
I know being shy is no real excuse, and it is kind of immature. It's just a matter of breaking certain habits, I suppose.
I don't mean to put people on pedestals. And, I don't want to. Because it gives me the false impression that I can never reach them.
I'm not very good at talking through feelings, which is kind of the reason I write in here. But.. yeah. Haha, now I'm at a loss for words. Bwuhahaha. I contradict myself, once again.
Well, it's nice to see comments again. I know I will always at least have one friend :) Though I may never know their identity, hehe.
In regards to my insecurities and not feeling so good about myself, I can only explain it as some sort of vicious circle that I let myself fall into. I get in a mood, then don't feel like doing anything I would normally do, then I feel bad because I'm not doing anything important, etc. Sara and I both kind of have that problem. And, I try my hardest to get her out of it because she could do some amazing things once she's motivated and ready. I suppose I could very well say that to myself, that I could do some amazing things once I learn how to keep myself interested and up. True shameless self promotion just doesn't seem to be in my nature. But, you know what they say, if you don't promote yourself, who's going to do it for you? Or something like that.
Ugh, I have the hiccups and they hurt. And it's late. I'm way tired.
I guess, I am working at the problems I have. Slowly. I don't mean to misrepresent myself and say that I'm not doing anything, and that I expect it all to just happen to me. I don't really. It's just when I get in moods like the one I was in (maybe am? Hmm. Not really, I'm okay right now), I feel like I could really use a push in the right direction. And, I guess that's what you two have done, pushed me just a little bit. So, thank you.
You know, I have my moments. Sometimes when I'm with someone, or see someone, or in class, I just get this rush of nerve that kind of tosses me over the first hurdle. Tonight, I felt a bit of that, when I was hanging out in my room with Sara and my roommate. Michelle was showing us some poetry out of a couple books she had, and I read them out loud so Sara could hear. And, a couple of them I couldn't keep a straight face while reading :) But, it's like I felt this rush of ability, and so I just started reading the poetry. Partly because I felt comfortable and safe doing it in the company I was in. Partly because I felt this urge to do something others wouldn't necessarily think of me as doing.
Well, I think I've ran out of steam for tonight. I have to go to sleep so I can wake up at a decent hour and do lots of homework before I work tomorrow night. Speaking of work, I'm thinking of applying for a part time position that's open during winter break. Only for 3 weeks. Sure, it's a long drive, but I doubt I'd get a job at the mall or whatever for the holidays. Besides that I'm sure I'd get sick of that reaaaal quick. Plus, this way, I don't have to learn anything new. So! I guess it's just a sacrifice I'd have to make. Awesome. Okay, bedtime!
october 23, 2002
Note to self: Jewel Vanilla Wafers suck;
Only buy if you are near broke and/or store is out of Nilla wafers.
Only eat if desperate.
I feel a little physically better. Mentally, eh, I'm getting there I suppose. It was just one of those days.
Sara is on her way here, so I best go down and meet her. Otherwise she'll call me, screaming
"RACHEL YOU JACKASS, WHERE ARE YOUUUU??"
Haha. My friends are the best.
If you are "the best" also, and would like to be my friend like most best people, you know where to reach me.
.. If you don't though,
email rachel@industrialbeauty.com
Haha. Shameless self promotion. Well, brief shameless self promotion. I don't think I'm up for the big stuff.
Later!
I skipped my third class, because I just felt horrible. Mostly because I was feeling physically terrible. I was starving from skipping lunch, and I had other things bothering me. I just couldn't do it.
I don't know, I guess I'm just so disappointed in myself. You'd think that in two years, I would have learned some sort of social skills to keep my head above water when times were bad. Truth is, I'm right back where I started. I have this uncanny inability to make friends. Maybe I just expect too much too soon from people.
I need more people here that I can be friends with. Because, it's when I'm here that I need it the most. I love the friends I have that are farther away, and I'm very glad to have them. I am lucky in that I at least have somebody.
But when I'm walking around campus, I just feel so lost. I know it's all due to my raging insecurities. And my lack of social skills. I just don't know how to go about.. making friends.. you know? It's like, where do you go to socialize? How do you let people know you're interested in taking your acquaintance outside of its normal setting? WHY CAN'T I TALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON???
Jesus fucking christ, I'm talking about socializing as if I were doing a goddamn experiment.
That's how I live my life though, like it's a fucking experiment. Watch people, see what they do, manipulate certain variables and see if it changes anything,.. but don't rock the boat. Never ever rock the boat. Don't freak them out. Don't do anything weird. Don't say anything unless you're sure it'll have the result you want. Don't let them see how pathetic you really are or they'll run away......
Some life, huh? You can surely understand why I get in these moods so often. Or if you can't, you at least have the ability to pass judgement on me. "Hey, she's a nerd, what a moron, she can't even make friends har har har". Yeaaaaah well fuck you.
It's my quiet nature. I was a good baby/kid, because I never caused trouble. Most kids run around screaming and playing when they're in the store with their mom, or in church. Me? No. I sat there. Or walked with my mom. Didn't do a thing. Don't rock the boat.
I was a good kid in school. I did all my homework, did well on the tests, learned everything fine. I read books, I wrote, I was artistic. I didn't talk when I was supposed to,.. I didn't even talk when I was supposed to. I didn't bother the teacher. I didn't fidget. I didn't complain. I was too busy being interested in everyone in the room. What were they doing? What were they saying? How did they act? Hey that boy's cute... You know.
Truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of rejection and being labeled a misfit. I'm afraid of people not caring. But I'm also too afraid of being alone to put up with myself for much longer.
If anyone has any suggestions, I'd welcome them.. I just have no clue where to even begin. It's so frustrating.
I'm sure if I had more people to care about and talk to, my moods wouldn't affect me as bad. Things wouldn't get to me at so deep a place.
But, I'm going to chat online for a bit. Maybe I'll post again later.
I don't have much time before my next class, but I feel like absolute shit right now and I dunno, I guess I felt like writing something would help me.
I keep wanting to say I don't know exactly why, and I guess I don't know EXACTLY. I have an idea, but.. it doesn't- no, it makes sense, but.. I don't know, I guess I shouldn't.
I know that's vague but I'd rather not get too into it.
I don't want to be in classes. I want to be done, and I want to be somewhere with someone who gives a shit about me.
I really could use a hug about now :(
Sometimes I think I'm okay, and sometimes I say I'm okay. But then all of a sudden I'm not so okay and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. I should be eating at the Cage but I'm not because although my stomach says it's hungry, my throat is threatening to close up, or chuck up anything thrown into it.
I guess I'll eat after classes.
I guess it's... it's all this love I have bottled up inside me that I can't let out. It turns my insides against me. I have no outlet for it most of the time. And there's no chance that I'll find a way to let it out if all I'm thinking about is how awful it feels and how doomed I seem.
I need about a teaspoon of reassurance and whole gallon of affection right about now, I'm not sure I even care where it comes from. Although everyone knows I have preferences, but that's besides the point. You can't be picky when you're in a state such as this.
Well, it's time for class. I think I'm going to be sick.
Where are all the friends I'm supposed to have? Where are the better days?
Holy crap I am so into Liz Janes. It's amazing. She's totally my newest female musician idol. I wish I could play and sing like her.. well, I guess that would be dumb because then she wouldn't be so unique. But, I just wish I had her talent. And hell, I want to see her live some day. Soooo badly. I would freak out so much. Uggh.
I guess I feel better. I had kind of a crappy morning, but I'm alright now I suppose. It was just one of those moods. I didn't talk to Sara though, I was hoping we'd get some plans for tomorrow or Thursday. Hmm.
Well, I don't have much more to say really, I'm just waiting on something (when I should be in bed) and I thought I'd write just a little bit. About how listening to Liz Janes makes my heart explode. Seriously.
I need to be physically stronger. If I were to almost fall off a bridge, but would live if I was able to pull myself back up... I'd die. Let's face it. The things I start thinking about after watching Haunted on UPN...
So... yes. Goodnight.
october 22, 2002
Hahaha I just heard the funniest thing in the world...
Tom Jones.. AND The Cardigans... covering..
BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE.
Yes, I'm unbelievably serious.
But now, I'm listening to riot grrl music. It makes me feel better, I'm kinda in a crappy mood right now. Just tired from today. Blech. I was going to take a nap, but then I get here, and I sit here, and it just kind of escaped me. I have things to do. I just don't want to. Abolutely no fucking motivation.
AHHHHHH I HATE POP-UPS!!!!
Oh we could rock
Or we could bomb
Or we could try
Like super hard
Or we could come
Or we could lose
Or we could totally totally totally
Freak you
I wanna spread my dementia
I wanna knock it off the line
Give me attention
Every day and every niiiiight
october 21, 2002
So, this morning has been alright so far. I talked to Kevin after class. He seems like he's doing alright, and that's good. I think I'm doing quite alright myself.
Thoughts have taken on English accent again, a result of reading Bridget Jones' Diary.
I'm almost done with it, so I'll be able to give it to Nia later this week, when the 3 of us get together. Sara said she'd call her sometime today, so we'll have a day planned soon, hopefully. She always says she's going to email me, but never does... hmmmm... busy girl.
Who knows, maybe I'll buy my own copy. Or rent the movie just to see what it's like. That reminds me, I wanted to rent Jane Eyre sometime. Though I haven't finished the book. I was at the part right after Mr. Rochester proposed to her, and then Nia gave me this book. I don't mind, Bridget Jones is easier to read. And it makes me think with a candid accent.
I want to go see some movies soon. There's some that actually looked good. Definitely want to see Punch Drunk Love. May be the only good Adam Sandler movie, ever. Have to see Ghost Ship, because well.. that's my thing. Horror movies. It's inescapable, really. But I enjoy it and therefore it's great.
Mmmm I wonder how Michael is doing. I haven't talked to him in a while. Maybe I'll email him sometime soon. I was going to from here, but I didn't realize this entry would be that long. I always have tons of shit to say.
You know, I wonder if my typing ability has gone up since I took that test this summer? I feel like it might have, but then again I guess it's hard to tell. I'm such a super typer. 80+ words a minute. Looks great on a resume for a job where you have to type a lot.
Well, I'm going to do some website hopping. Speaking of, I don't have much to do for the art dept website at the moment, I'm waiting on a couple people to get some digital images of artwork from them. Waiting to get Debora Rindge's resume. Waiting to get something from Barry and Aurora as well, though they haven't said what they wanted. Maybe I should email all of them, since I don't have anything else, and that's easy to work on.
Now I understand my dad more. I remember in the past, he's come home from work complaining about the people he works with, because it's so hard to get information for the website from them. I completely get that now. They're all very nice people and I'm not complaining about them, it just sucks that when you're doing a website, you have to depend on all these other people for information before you can really do anything.
Okay, website hopping. Bye!
OH MY...
At.. Borders? In... Oak Park?? AHH!
I wanna go!!! ACK! But I might go downtown with Sara that day... awwwwwwwww but it's.. it's TMBG! And it's in Oak Park! Oh my freaking god I wanna go. Soooo bad. Although driving there would suck.. maybe I'd be able to take the train? Or just get there really really early. I don't know. AH! I probably won't go but... wow. I wish I could so badly.
Tonight, I was finally able to say to myself,
"Yeah, I will find somebody else who can love me for who I am. And at least all of this has made me a better person."
And you know that Simpsons episode, where Homer does the Christmas parade after giving all his dirty dirty money to the toy store? Marge tells Bart and Lisa they can hold their heads high, and when they straighten their necks, they're cracking and whatnot. The two of them are marveling at how they can see the sky and how they never knew what it was like to hold their heads up. Well, I had my own reality based version, I kind of straightened up because I noticed I was slouching, and my back cracked. It was funny in that context.
I also remarked to myself, "Hey tomorrow's Friday.." and then realized it was Monday instead. Ugh. Mondays suck. But, at least I have a couple things to look forward to this week.
I just kind of don't want to work in Acquisitions tomorrow. I always hope they're going to need me at the circulation desk.. it's so strange, how I used to absolutely hate working that desk, and loved working downstairs. Working downstairs is still cool in its own way, but it's not as fantastic as it used to be. Maybe I'm just a little bored because I do the same things all the time. Eh, oh well.
Sara and I were talking today about Europe. She was going to go on this trip to Italy one of her classes was doing, this coming summer. But she might not have the money by then, and I told her, you know you can always go there with friends once you do have the money. And so, she said "so will you go to Europe with me darling? some day?" and I of course said yes. So, maybe in a year or two I'll be able to regale you all with tales of the Sara and Rachel Adventures: Taking Europe with Us. That would be pretty rad. Of course, I'd absolutely have to stop in London and see Michael :) I told him someday I would end up in Europe and that I'd visit. Plus, then we'd have an insider that could tell us all the neat places to go. Not just touristy places, places that the two of us would actually be really interested in seeing or experiencing. We can get drinks or something, somewhere :) It would be fun.
Well, my night has almost drawn to a close. I'm going to scope out some upcoming concerts that I can maybe rope Chris into going to. Or, that he can rope me into going to :) Whatever the case may be. I generally don't like going to shows in winter, but maybe before the snow sets in we can get something together. That's another rad thing I'm looking forward to.
Gah, the term is half over. I just realized that. Where did it all go? I have no clue.
Okay, end transmission.
october 20, 2002
Time management escapes me. No wonder I'm always so stressed out..
Yeah, so I just spent a couple hours fruitlessly searching for something that I realized doesn't exist. Bah. Course, if the site I was looking at made it easier to find what you're looking for, maybe...
Anyhow. So Friday, I ended up once again going out by MYSELF. I actually found that coffeehouse, and I stayed there til close actually. It was neat. Not completely ideal, but then again nothing is. The people who played didn't exactly blow me away, but a couple of them were actually really good guitar players. And this one guy covered Salisbury Hill and if I wasn't such a stonefaced wallflower in situations like that, I would have squealed, just a little bit. I love that song. For a while I didn't know it was Peter Gabriel, but then I was listening to it one time and I figured it out. Makes it that much better.
Saturday I went home, and then went to Sara's until like midnight. Well, we were out in the Countryside Dunkin Donuts parking lot for most of that time. We now have tentative plans in the works. We're calling a girls night sometime this week, to hang out at my house and play stupid girly games we still have and watch Ren and Stimpy tapes. Of course, every time we get together it's a girls night... but yeah. So, it'll be Sara, Nia and me. And, Sara said to invite my roommate too (so Miss Roommate, we don't have a day set yet, but i'll let you know... ).
Then this coming Friday, we're going to the cafe again, except the three of us are all going and Sara wants me to bring my acoustic guitar just in case they get the urge to play. And, sometime before the end of the term, we're doing the same girls night idea, except hardcore. Haha, excuse me, I have to go give myself 40 lashes for saying hardcore..
Well, it's just instead of hanging out at my house for a while, we're actually going to stay overnight. And drink. Well, if my parents don't mind... which they shouldn't, since the remote control will be the most complicated piece of machinery we would touch all night. And as I recall, you can't kill anybody with a remote control.
So, it'll be like we're 13 again. Except that we're 20, cynical, and will be under the influence. I can hear the guy-bashing already, haha. Yes, totally.
I have absolutely no Halloween plans. That really bites. It'll be a Thursday night. I'll have to get up early the next day, anyways. I'm sure I'll spend it doing homework. Though, if it's nice enough out, maybe I'll go for a walk and watch all the kids being crazy. Oh wait, this is Naperville... ummm.. nevermind. There won't be anything entertaining. Everyone will be home before dark. There will be no shaving cream on the sidewalks. No litter in the streets. Creepy atmosphere, maybe. But it's just not the same at all.
Alright, my neck hurts, my head hurts, I'm tired, I have work to do, I still have to go to the store, etc etc etc. Sundays suck.
october 18, 2002
My teeth are hurting again. Hm. This happens every once in a while, I think I'm going to brush my teeth again before I go out... I do it every morning, yet they start to hurt once in a while anyhow.
Well, in an hour or so, I will hopefully be out of here, at least for a little while. I have Alex's number, and so if Sara can't go, she'll come with if she can. Awesome. I'm still waiting to hear from Sara. She should be home by now, but I'll wait a few minutes more. She knows she's supposed to call me. And, she might be on the phone with Vic or something... I just hate to keep Alex waiting, if she is.
I started writing something earlier today before my Community Psychology class, and I really hope it turns into something good. I don't want to get too into it right now, but it's about how certain things in my life seem to happen at the right time, or at least that no matter what happens to me, there always seems to be something that makes it easier to get through. Even when I feel like things couldn't get worse, there will be something that makes me feel like I'm strong enough to keep going. But I want to save all this talk for the actual piece of writing!
So, I'm going to go. Wait for Sara to call. I already did work on the art department website, although mostly for the Impressions page, because I got a ton more information from the meeting on Thursday. Our next meeting is actually on Halloween, that should be neat. I actually don't mind going there as much. Maybe because it's at least somewhere to go. Maybe because I feel more important, now that I'm doing the website for the art department. I guess that would make sense, considering what I've been learning in my Community Psychology class.
Oh! Speaking of classes, I just remembered. My Math Music and Art test didn't go as badly as I thought. I kicked some ass in identifying what part of a piece of music my teacher stopped the CD at. I followed it reaaally well. I definitely know Sonata-Allegro form.
The one good thing about some honors classes, is that you freak out because you think you don't understand certain things, and then on tests, you figure out that you don't need to know every little detail. Because on some of the questions, all you need is to be intelligent enough to form a proper response, regardless of how much you understood when you read. It's nice to be given that kind of trust. I guess it works for me, because I continue to study my ass off despite the fact that I know I may not necessarily need to.
It reminds me of one episode of Family Ties, actually. Where Mallory was doing really bad in her history class, and her teacher knew she could do better and pushed her really hard. And she had this oral exam that she studies like mad for, and the teacher asked her a question and she gave some stupid answer. Then, the teacher started kind of insulting her, and got her riled up, and so she starts yelling the right answer, because she knew it, she just didn't know she did. I kind of feel like that sometimes on those tests... if that made any sense at all. Even though I'm nothing like Mallory. Eh, oh well.
If you're bored:
Which Homestar Runner character are you?
Haha. One of my new favorite quizzes.
I don't know what prompts me to stay up so late, when I know I have to get up at 8am for class. It's like, I get all these ideas for things to do online... but only at like 12:30. Weird.
There's a bit of trouble with the art department website, I'll post the link once it's officially up. But, the thing is, they don't give students access to the drive that actually has the pages, it's some policy. I guess it makes sense, since I would be extremely tempted to mess with the site. However, it's kind of inconvenient, as I have to upload the pages to one network drive, and then ask someone in the department with access to the real web drive to bring the files there from the other one. Ugh!
I don't know if that whole Columbia thing is going to fly. Unless I found someone else to go with. Because Sara and Nia are kind of not in a place to be spending money on stuff like that. Sara owes her parents money, and is trying to save some for a trip next summer to Italy.
Maybe I'll ask someone else. I can't see anyone else wanting to go at short notice. I could ask Alex, but I don't know if she would want to, or maybe she has other things to do... I wish it was warmer out though. It's so fucking cold, and I'm sure I'd be more motivated to ask people and set something up if it were warmer. Maybe I should just save my money like crazy, so when the weather gets better and Sara has some of her debt paid off, we can go somewhere. I remember Nia saying she wanted to go somewhere during spring break, that would be fun. Although where, I don't know. I have a feeling she and Sara would want to go to some big city or something... which, I guess is fine, I mean it's a place. A place is a place.
Well, I have some labs to do today, and some homework to start on, so I'll write later. Tonight Sara and I are supposed to go to this cafe, but I don't know exactly what's going on, because Vic was kind of pressuring her to go to a movie with him.. well, it's a story, and one that doesn't really need to be told here. But, if she can't go, I'll try and call someone else. I guess. Then I'll make her come with me tomorrow night bwahahaha... maybe I can catch up on my homework. I really won't feel like it, but you know. It has to be done. Bah.
PS I have a test in two classes... blech. Gonna suck.
october 17, 2002
I have so much stuff to do today,.. well, it at least feels like it.
I did get my computer science homework done though, which is good. I finally figured out exactly what to do. I think that's why I enjoy programming, because of the whole problem-solving aspect. I'm good at that when I have solid facts and rules to deal with.
But, I have work, and reading to do at work, and then website stuff to work on tonight, and a shower to take at some point, and... yeah. I was thinking about getting someone to do something with me tonight, but I don't think I'll really have time. I have a lot of reading to catch up on. Tomorrow night though, Sara and I (and Nia, if she wants,) are totally going to that one coffeehouse around here, to see what their open mic nights are like. I can't imagine it being anything spectacular (I mean... this is Naperville). But, it could be interesting.
Well, I should start getting ready for work. Almost 4:30. Rahhh.
My mom wanted me to come home this Saturday for dinner or something, so I said sure. I think I'm going to hit up my sister for some board game action. I haven't played a board game since summer. I do have my Ouija board, haha. God, I'm so lame. All my life I've been obsessed with having paranormal experiences, and yet nothing that big ever happens when I do stuff. Sure, I think I'm pretty sensitive to that sort of thing just out of awareness. But, Nia and my roommate were talking about all the stuff they've experienced, and I'm just sitting there like "Um... I have no stories. Nothing ever happens to me, really." Not that you could get a word in edgewise ;) Hehe, just kidding.
But yeah, I feel lame, for wanting to experience what they have. Then again, I mean I know it's scary, but... I don't know. It's just one of those things, the grass is always greener.. maybe? Hm.
Okay, getting ready for work! I swear!
THIS AIN'T NO FOOLING AROUUUUUND!
So, I've been looking over the two journal entries (that I closed, yes Sara) that started all this trouble yesterday. Because I wanted to try and look at them from my perspective of Kevin's perspective.
Obviously, there are things that I said that I KNOW I shouldn't have said and didn't mean, and that those are the parts that probably hurt him the most. Then, there are a few parts that I think, may have been misinterpreted? I wouldn't doubt it, since when I write, I'm not usually thinking about the reader's perspective. So, I sometimes say things that only I understand. Which, is bad when your sole purpose is for somebody to read this thing, right?
Anyhow, I'm really not angry about what he told me. And, like I've said, I know I was being ungrateful about how great he was to comfort me the night before. But I really did appreciate it and it meant a lot to me. The only thing I can say about it, is that I wasn't thinking when I wrote what I wrote. I wasn't thinking about him reading it, or how it would affect him, or how it would really affect anybody. That's just the mood I get in when I'm writing in here sometimes.
A point I was trying to get across that actually wasn't for him, but that he may have thought was, is that when people are trying to give me advice, they keep saying "Believe me" at the start and end of their sentences. And, I'm not the type of person to really take that to heart. I don't believe anything til I see it. I may trust their judgement, and I may appreciate what they're trying to do, but it's just really hard for me to be on the end of a "Believe me" sentence. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel, I don't mean it to be. It has no effect on my judgement of them as a person.
Well, I have to go to an art club meeting. They're going to talk about the website. Rahrrr. Should be interesting.
october 16, 2002
By the way, I've decided that I put a little too much into my journal. I've known for a while now that I disclose more information in here than I actually do with people. That was actually one of the problems Kevin and I had. I always said too much in here, and he would be upset because I wasn't telling him.
So, I think I'm going to cool it a bit on the personal information. If you really care to hear it all, you know where to reach me.
Not to say I'm going to go all cold and never describe emotion in here. But I tend to take things a little too far, and I'd like to change that.
Tonight, Sara and I are getting together. Maybe we can get dinner. Hmm.. well, if we both have money.. I'm not sure that I do! Oh, wait, I have some. Yes. Food. I'm hungry now. I haven't eaten all day, save a bowl of cereal and a couple Nilla cookies.
Yes, I'd like to change things. And, I think I'm finally figuring out how.
1) Always give myself time to work through emotions before I start explaining things! Giving a situation or experience a day or two can make things much clearer, and I usually have arrived at some final idea or feeling about it all.
2) Stop being so open and intimate in my journal about things that I shouldn't be. Intimate details are only for friends and loved ones. Only in rare cases will I succumb to that state. Because it just seems to bring about more and more trouble as time goes on.
Last thing,.. Kevin, I hope by Monday you feel better, because I am truly sorry that I said what I said, where I said it. I think this was the final situation to really make me change what I'm doing. I never meant to hurt you, no matter how the situation seems to you. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I was just venting and ranting and running my mouth off when I shouldn't have been. I've learned my lesson, really. So I hope you can trust me and be comfortable around me again in the near future.
I skipped my second class. I just couldn't go. I could barely focus on my labs, I can't imagine being in that other class when I'm like this.
I just feel so sick and stupid. Fuck, what is wrong with me? I'm sure anyone who knows about all this is wondering why I said the things I did, myself included. I wanted to come back here and try and figure it all out.
The number one thing, I think, is jealousy. I wish I wasn't so susceptible to it, but I am. I'm jealous that Kevin is doing well and has someone else he's seeing. I felt like I was right in saying everything I did, when really, I wasn't.
What convinced me that I was? Probably this backwards, unproductive notion that all men suck. When you're in a situation like I am, that's a bulk of what you hear, especially if you're going to your female friends with everything. I thought I was stronger than that. I thought I was smart enough to think things out on my own, but instead I just subscribed to this ridiculous notion. Like, hey that fits my anger and jealousy and gives me the right to say whatever I want, so I'll believe it. That's such bullshit.
I think I'm also lacking some tiny piece of innocence that I used to have, even as recent as a week ago. I just let it slip away.
When I was writing the past two entries, I knew there were some things that I probably shouldn't say. It didn't consciously occur to me that Kevin would read them. I guess somewhere I knew it, but I was so caught up in what I was doing that I didn't let that thought come out.
Even if I had thought of that, I would still have no right to seek out any sort of emotional revenge.
I just can't believe I got myself into this mess. I am such an ungrateful, sick person.
Kevin was being so incredibly nice to me last night, and in his own words, I threw it back in his face. That was the last thing I wanted to do, but I apparently did it anyhow. He knew it would hurt me, and that he didn't have to tell me about him and this girl, but he did it anyhow because I should know. And then he hung around and tried to make me feel better, telling me all these wonderful things.. I told him how I felt like I wouldn't be able to find anyone else, that I couldn't see anyone loving me the way he did. And he sat there with me and comforted me, telling me he couldn't be the only person that saw that I was beautiful and wonderful (or whatever the words he used were).
How could I have possibly thought that I had some sort of right to act the way I did?
I can't understand how I could let myself do something that would hurt him so much. For god's sake, I think he's the greatest person in the world and I love him so much, why the fuck would I say the things I did? Even if this journal wasn't online, how could I think those things? Why did they come into my head?
Out of irrational thinking and letting bad emotions get to me. Things like jealousy and betrayal, which are terrible things to let rule your head and heart. They're frivolous emotional states that serve no purpose in a situation like this. If, at all.
So, Kevin told me today that he doesn't want to talk to me for the rest of the week. That he might say something on Monday, but he doesn't know. He's really angry with me, and I deserve it. I deserve it.
I am just so disappointed in myself. He's right, I'm not showing him that I really want to be friends and still keep in touch if I keep saying the things that I've said in here. And, if that's what I really want, why would I let my actions be so counterproductive? Like I said, influenced by bad things that I shouldn't let get to me.
I can't change the fact that I said them. I can be sorry all I want, and that won't necessarily change his mind. I just desperately want to try and show him that I didn't really mean the things I said. I was frustrated at the time, but I realized today that there were a lot of things that I really shouldn't have said. That I really didn't mean.
The thing that makes me feel the worst is that he was nothing but nice to me last night. He was nicer than most people would be to the person they broke up with. He has been that way in general. And now, he thinks that it meant nothing to me.
It means a whole hell of a lot to me. I adore the fact that he still cares. I admire him for handling things the way he has. I don't even know if I can put it into more words than that. What he did last night for me is something that I treasure. And I treated his behavior and therefore him, like shit. I didn't treat him like that when I was with him last night, but my journal entries did it enough for me.
Why don't I think before I do things like this?
I.. can't even think of what else to say right now. I wish I could be saying all this directly to him, but he doesn't want to talk about it with me. He doesn't want to talk to me at all.
Kevin, if you read this, (I'm not sure you will, for a while) I feel absolutely terrible about everything. I wouldn't treat any of my friends this way, and I don't know why I did it to you. I don't know why I thought my words on here had no consequences. That if I said something I didn't mean, I wouldn't have to pay for it later. Well, I am paying for it. I just hope you can forgive me for what I said. I was being stupid, and it hurts me so much that I hurt you with it.
I swear, I will never do anything like this again. Whenever I get taken over by some stupid, harmful emotion, I just have to learn to step back and let it run its course. No more writing about it online until I've had enough time to think about it. Because, more often than not, I end up saying a lot of things that I regret.
The one thing I did genuinely mean, was that part about wanting you to be a part of my life. I know the things I said contradicted that, but those other things weren't true, and I shouldn't have written them. They were born out of a need to purge whatever bad, controlling emotions that were in me. Not one of those emotions was hate, or dislike, or anything of that sort. I was still a little mad, but mostly jealous. And still hurting from the entire situation. And that's a bad combination.
Unfortunately, my dramatic nature rarely lets the good emotions take control when there are others like that. What I should have been writing about, was how comforting and nice you were. About how, I knew that someone would snag you, because you were just that great of a person. And, I did write that, I believe. But I'm sure it didn't change the other things I wrote. They don't really balance eachother out.
To make an awful analogy that won't make sense to anyone but you, it wasn't what it seemed. The few good things I said in my posts look light, meaningless, like a feather in relation to the worse things, from a distance. But in reality, it was a feather painted on a rock. And the rock holds more weight with me than temporary, ridiculous, false, hurtful statements that I regret soon after saying them. I hope it'll hold more weight with you, too. I have said many times in the past couple weeks that the one thing that I know is true, is how much I love you and care about you. That I took you for granted. If nothing else I've felt stays the same, at least that will. If there are no other truths to be known to human beings, at least the truth of how we feel about others is real.
And, I don't know how else to prove to you that what I said was a mistake. But it was. I don't want us to end up this way, forced apart because I made a huge mistake. I am genuinely sorry, and if you want to know for sure that what I'm saying is the truth, just ask me. I can guarantee that my facial expressions will prove it. Most likely, I'll start crying out of being overcome with guilt and regret, and love and care. But ask me if I wanted to hurt you, if I really am so pissed off or hateful or whatever. I know I didn't, and that I'm not. And I'd say it a million times if I was guaranteed to convince you of that.
So, I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me.
"I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless with a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy just because she can.
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins.
I've come to you cause I need guidance to be true
And I just don't know where I can begin..
What I need is a good defense, cause I'm feeling like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love.
Heaven help me for the way I am
Save me from these evil deeds before I get them done.
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep living this day like the next will never come
Oh, help me but don't tell me to deny it.
I've gotta cleanse myself of all these lies
Til I'm good enough for him.
I've got a lot to lose
And I'm betting high
So I'm begging you
Before it ends, just tell me where to begin.
What I need is a good defense, cause I'm feeling like a criminal.
And I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against
Because he's all I ever knew of love."
I really have to learn to not write certain things until I've calmed down. I've been so bad at that for my whole life. I get wrapped up in the moment and in what I'm feeling and it just.. gets out of hand.
I was being really unfair last night, and this morning. I wasn't thinking, as usual.
So, I'm using a few minutes of my lab time to point out my mistakes.
I am so unbelievably sorry about what I wrote. Everything I say contradicts itself, and I know that. It's because so much of what I'm feeling contradicts itself. It's all very confusing.
I was being ungrateful, and unnecessarily hurtful.
I hope to write more later, and I probably almost definitely will. But I can't sit here for the hour and do this.
I just feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. There was no reason for me to say all the things I did in here. I do that a lot. But that's no excuse. So, now I'm paying for it. And it hurts.
I just sorry. So incredibly sorry. I hope you can forgive me by next week.
october 14, 2002
A friend of Sara's, (Nia) wanted to lend me this book, Bridget Jones' Diary, because she thought I'd enjoy it. Sara just finished reading it, so now we all will be able to talk about it... it's no Carson McCullers, but it's a good book for a girl to read.
The funniest thing about it, is that after reading enough of it, my thoughts take on an English accent... well, a slight one anyhow. It's very funny.
But, I don't know, things are okay I suppose. I keep thinking, I know I'm still somebody after all this. It's not like I have to start from scratch. It's not as if Kevin took all of me with him. He doesn't own any part of me. Even if it sometimes feels like it, or even if I sometimes want him to.
It is very intimidating to be out on your own in the world. And, I did depend on him a lot. He was like this crutch I had, you know? Like, hey, I'm not alone in the world and I have him to depend on and so everything will be okay because of that. That's bullshit though. I am alone, maybe not all the time, and maybe not in spirit. But physically, I am one lone person. Nothing is going to change that. Even if Kevin and I were still attached at the hip, even married. I'd still be one single person. With or without him.
I don't know, it seems very silly to believe that being independent and self-reliant will bring him or anyone else to me. I'll only end up disappointed. I have to want to be independent for the sake of being independent and able to go on in this world without a partner to depend on. Like I said, it's a very intimidating prospect. Life seems very meaningless if you don't have someone to share it with. I guess, I'd still agree with that. At least in that it's how I feel, though it may not be the truth.
But, do you need one single person to share everything with? I don't know. Maybe it's enough to have a few close people to share different parts of it with.
You always hear that people are much more interested in you when you're not so interested in them. Or, at least seemingly too busy to bother with anyone else. I guess, maybe it's true. But there's a thin line between being independent and being ignorant and neglective.
I've also thought about what it would be like to bring someone else home someday. That would be interesting. But, it's not an altogether unrealistic idea. It could happen. It's sad to think that for the rest of my life, I'm going to remember Kevin as the naive relationship I had when I was in college. But, if that's how things are going to work it, than so be it.
The world will not crumble just because he doesn't love me the way he used to.
And, I'm not going to crumble just because I don't have someone to latch on to.
And now, a warm classroom and possibly boring/tiring class. Sigh. I want to go out tonight. After I do homework. Yeah Sara, I'll talk to you later. Maybe we'll plan out your website.
I've asked myself many times what I wanted out of life. The one thing that I wanted the most, I took for granted. I didn't explicitly say, "I want this thing that I already have, and I realize I may not always have it". That was one of my mistakes.
So, what do you do when the one thing you wanted the most disappears? I hope you understand that it's hard to be motivated about any other desires when there's one you had and lost. I may distract myself, and I may do alright sometimes. But thinking about losing makes me sick, makes me feel hopeless and immediately decreases the value I put on human life.
I suppose my problem would be that I depend on other people too much. I just don't know any other way. When I do things on my own, I think, what value does this have for me? How much can I enjoy this when there isn't someone to share it with? Is that wrong? I don't know. It can't be right, because of how it makes me feel. Not that I know how to change it.
I think everyone depends on everyone else. If it's not a significant other, it's your friends. Or your family. Or, hell just the other people in the same general area as you. You depend on them.
I know depending on one person too much is a bad thing. But, having someone commit to you and having them want to share their life with you is so important too. I guess what I've wanted my entire life is to have someone like that. Someone to always be there for you. Someone who loves who you are, not just what you are at one point in time. Someone you meet up with at the end of the day to share stories, feelings, hopes, fears and deep thoughts. You can trust them, and you're comfortable with them, and you feel like you've known them your whole life and neither of you can fathom not having the other person in your life. You look forward to meeting back up after each of you has done your own things. And then there's the holding and hugging and kissing and other intimate physical affections.
So, while I'm thinking about all this, Cheers is on Nick at Nite next to me. And it's an unusually deep episode. At the end, Norm is talking to Sam in the bar. And he confesses that he thinks the most important thing in life is love. And he says,
"It doesn't matter what you love. It could be a person, a thing.. As long as you love it totally, completely and without judgement."
And, he says that you always come back to your one true love. That's an awfully nice set of thoughts. Nothing that hasn't been said before, but it was said at just the right time that it means a lot to me.
The question I have for myself, is if my one true love isn't a person, what would it be? I'm not sure.
Kevin's true love, I think, is the thrill of life experience and adventure. Having stories to tell, and telling them. His love is taking a very active role in life. He seems to enjoy change.
I suppose at one point it may have been me, but I don't think it's my place to really determine that. It's up to him to decide if he ever felt that way.
I have another question for myself. Am I, or will I be, anybody's one true love? There's a lot of people out there. It's not impossible, but it certainly isn't a sure thing. It would be conceited of anyone to claim that they are definitely somebody's one true love. Well, I guess, unless they were with the person and they knew everything was for sure. But, you don't ever know. And that's a sad sad thought. It's even more heartbreaking because it came out of the mouth of the one person I thought (and, I still think,) was my one true love. And, I thought he felt the same.
But, I suppose this is enough of this talk for tonight. It's getting late.
But, that last question I brought up is still preying on my mind. Some people might follow up that question with another: "Should you bother wondering about that?"
Well, given my situation, it's not a question I can easily cast aside. Sure, there are many abstract and interesting notions I could busy my mind with, that also have no definite guarantee of ever being answered. But, I'm letting my heart get the best of me for now. As I often do late at night.
I guess one reason I question my ability to truly be loved, is that I feel like I don't have much to offer anyone. I'm not very informed about many things. I haven't read most of the great books that I should have read. Though, I have a great passion for expressing myself. And for art and music. And for learning about myself and the world around me.
And, I have a lot of love to give to somebody. Yes, I still have tons even after 2 years. (I guess two years isn't that long, compared to 5, or 10...)
But, these are thoughts to expand upon at a later date. If, at all.
I know I will.
Whoa. Diane, on Cheers, just had this guy leave her that she was going to marry. And, she just said that this guy was the most brilliant man she'd ever known. And that for the past 2 years, he was the most important thing in her life. And that now, she might lose him (insert emotional breakdown and crying).
I feel your pain Diane.
But, yes, to bed for me. I have possible futures to create and encourage. And new self esteem to build.
And when my plans once again fall apart, I want to someday be able to jump right into the darkness of the unknown, enjoying the free fall.
As promised (ha) here's what my new glasses look like.
I have very little to say tonight, I think, just that I hate homework. And I don't want tomorrow to be Monday. And, I have to go to bed soon. And... and... haha and Reel Big Fish almost died in a fire in Columbia, MO. Sorry, but in light of my recent plans, I couldn't help laughing when I heard about it. Hahaha. Spooky.
Okay, bedtime. Maybe I'll have something more to post tomorrow...
october 13, 2002
Another Sunday, another week.
So today I got new glasses. I only wanted new frames, but that's another story... basically, I had to get a new prescription because I hadn't had an eye exam in about 3 years. Though, it's good that I got a new one because it turns out my old one was too high for me... stupid Sears Optical...
Maybe I'll post a picture of my new glasses or something. In the near future.
Sara wants a website, and I think it's a great idea. She's such a riot, you guys have no idea. She wants to do a journal thing, and then also have links to stories she writes, and some extra little fun ideas. So, hopefully I'll get to work on that with her. We should probably get together some day this week and plan it out. Instead of just sitting around drinking coffee like we usually do! Not that that's bad, but when there's work to be done, we just gotta do it, you know?
I don't have the energy to really post much tonight, so I think I'll leave it at that. Looks like Sara (and maybe Nia) might want to go to Columbia with me. I know it would be a blast with those two around. When we go (not if, if leads to maybe not, and then no) I'll try to take bunches of pictures.
Okay, I think I'm losing my perception of space (my body feels like it's in a different position than it is... it's a little abstract I guess). So, that means I should sleep. Goodnight everyone, have a pleasant Sunday if you can.
october 12, 2002
Long story short, I didn't end up going to Sleater Kinney. I've been here all night, except for a walk and a trip to Coffee Dregs.
A few more details for the curious.. Chris called me a little after 4pm, to say that something came up at work, he had to stay til 4pm and then go back at 7pm. So, no Sleater Kinney for him. I tried calling Melisa, on her cell phone and her home phone. No answer. I called Alex, but also no answer there. So, I just stayed home. I really didn't want to go by myself. If it were at some place in the suburbs, yeah I would have. But it was at the Metro. Rahr.
Well, it's no one's fault, and things like that happen.
So I have an idea. And a proposition to make for any interested parties. I am becoming increasingly annoyed at and sick of this bastard city of Naperville. So that I don't freak out and become the town lunatic who lunges at all preppy, rich suburbanites and tries to crush their skulls, I have an idea.
I keep feeling like, "I have to figure out where I want to be. I don't want to be here for the rest of my life. I want to actually do something!"
So, I got an idea. And I'd much rather do this with at least one other person.
Sometime this term, before the weather gets too cold, I am going away for a weekend. Somewhere that has a bunch of local coffeehouses/music venues, and seems interesting enough. I leave soon after my last class on Friday, which ends at 2:30pm. I get back, sometime Sunday night. That's two wonderful fun-filled days to live (ideally) as if they were the last two days you'd ever see. Or, just the last two days before you have to go back to work/school/other not fun things.
So far, I'm leaning towards Columbia, Missouri. I saw some news article in a local paper about this town, and they mentioned how they're really into keeping a good music scene alive and I think that's cool. There seems to be enough places to keep one busy, and I haven't even investigated restaurants and bookstores and the like.
So, I am recruiting traveling companions. The tentative plan is to drive there, get a room in a local hotel, then immediately start checking things out. No time to waste. Yes, if you work sometime between 2pm Friday and Sunday night, you will have to take time off work. I work on Sunday mornings, and I'm putting in a sub-card the second I get one confirmed partner-in-crime. The first person who agrees to go gets to help plan which weekend.
I don't know how much it's going to cost, that's kind of something that we just have to wait to find out.
If more than one person wants to come with, I say Great! The more the merrier.
So! If you're interested in the trip, email me or IM me or call me or whatever!
And hey, if this trip goes well, I'm sure there will be many more in the future! Though winter will be pretty limited... I mean... it's COLD. Unless we go a little south, seeking weather a few degrees warmer. Hmm. Anyhow. This is very exciting. I just hope someone wants to come with :x I'm sure Sara and Nia will, if they can....
Oh, let me mention real quick that like... if I don't really know you, and you just read my journal randomly, this kind of doesn't apply... I don't want to be like "NO! You can't go!" but, I kind of am referring to my friends... because some read my journal.
I'm really tired. I have to go to bed. But, I thought I'd update everyone. Rahh.
october 11, 2002
Soooo much to go on about. But mostly, I wanted to vent in here about how this morning, right before I left my room to drop off my timecard at the art center, I realized that today we had a TEST in my computer science class. Gah! I'm sure I got a D. Maybe an F. Sheesh.
And, I forgot to print out my homework assignment. It was DONE and everything, but we have to print out our source code.. and, I forgot to make a test plan. But a lot of people apparently did, so that's okay... well, not okay, but less stupid of me.
I am dumb, and in pain. Wheee. There must be some way I can blame my absentmindedness on cramps, right? Ha, no. I am not dumb because I'm a girl or because of any physiological symptoms. I am just forgetful. I get involved in other things, and then everything else I'm supposed to do goes Poof! Gone!
So. I would really like to just go home right now and go back to sleep, but I have a lab and two more classes to go to. Fun! I hate school sometimes.
Yikes, my journal looks ugly on these computers. What with them having a higher resolution. Dammit.
But, yes, Chris and I are going to Sleater-Kinney tonight. We've discussed getting-there plans, and I still don't know exactly what we're doing because it's up to him if he wants to drive to me first. Otherwise, I'm trainbound.
A group of you should get start placing bets on the chances of me getting lost, being late or just not making it to the train. I swear, I don't trust myself travelling alone most places.
But, I'm off. I'll post more later tonight, I suppose.
october 10, 2002
I'm just waiting for Sara to call me back, so I thought I'd write an entry while I'm home for the moment. I may or may not go somewhere. We'll see.
But, Sleater-Kinney is happening tomorrow! Melisa never called me back, so I told Chris if she didn't call back by today, that me and him would just go. So, we are! And I think it's the first time the two of us have ever actually done something together. We've met eachother at shows when we were going with other people. So, this will be new. And fun! Although we still have to figure out exactly how we're going to do this.. Hmm. And he signed off at about 5pm, so I guess I'll just have to see if he's online later. So, if I hang out with Sara for a while tonight, I can't be back too late.
Eww. I have to take out some garbage. It's starting to smell..
Okay, well, here's hoping the rest of my night is as interesting as my day has been.
For any lurking journal-readers who have nothing better to do or like doing this sort of thing, I present a survey/questionnaire I stole from Ruby (cutoutxmyheart)
Cut 'n' paste into the comment box when it appears.
01. When did we meet?
02. How did we meet?
03. Have we ever met in person?
04. Have we ever talked on the phone?
05. Have you ever seen me cry?
06. Have you ever seen me dance?
07. Describe me using three or less words.
08. If you could spend a day with me, what would we do?
09. Have we ever gotten in a fight?
10. Have you ever dreamt of me? If so, tell me about it.
11. If you could give me a present, what would it be?
12. Would you hug me?
13. Would you kiss me?
14. What do you REALLY think of me?
15. Do you trust me?
16. Do you know something about me that no one else knows?
17. Do you even know how old I am (without looking at my LJ profile! Don't cheat!)?
18. Anything you wanted to tell me but never got a chance to?
19. Have you ever taken a picture with me?
20. Will you miss me when I'm gone?
I don't know Ruby that well, but I did it anyhow just because. So, acquaintances and people who don't know me that well are plenty welcome to have a hand at this.
Me, I'm tired. I have a lot of work to do yet tomorrow. So, this is goodnight for us.
This is all bringing me back to the past. It's almost a nice feeling, as most recollections and perceptions of all things done and gone are. Especially when I'm sitting here listening to Veruca Salt.
I remember freshman year, at the beginning of winter I think. I was really depressed. You didn't know how to help, or I was just too stubborn. I left my computer and sat on my bed right by the window, opened it a bit. And I listened to this very Veruca Salt CD, and my Hole CD. And I cried and cried. And spoke emotional words that weren't true, but that felt true. About being "stuck in my ways". I don't know, maybe I am and don't know it. But I've changed since then.
I'm almost wistful for that time. Maybe because at least then.. well, then things weren't now.
I'm craving cold winter air, listening to this CD. I want to be back in that bed, crying and singing,
"Twice bitten, twice baked.
Twice led down the same mistake.
Try me on a Saturday, try me, try me.
Fine fool for a holiday
Slow sun in a Spanish way.
One heart for one week of May...
Why me? Why me?"
I was so afraid. Maybe that's why I want to be back there. Because in all my fear, there is some kind of comfort I suppose. The comfort of deja vu, of remembering. Of feeling the same things I've felt before.
I remember being miserable. I remember pining for you; hoping for reciprocation, and yet condemning myself to a solitary life at the same time. I was so lonely here. I thought I had made a huge mistake by being independent and going off on my own. Where no one I knew was.
When I was a senior in high school, I was slightly bolder. Mostly from being sick of the same sick, neglectful faces I saw every day. Being sick of being abandoned. I wanted to abandon everyone else. Yes, I chose a college where none of those faces were going, just to spite them. I believed I would be great at college, and news would get back to them, and they would wish they had been nicer to me. That's pretty horrible, I guess. But, if you knew what some of them put me through...
But I digress. In high school I was bolder, and then when I got here I was not as bold. I was afraid. I was alone. By my birthday, I still felt like things weren't going the way I expected at college. I slept during most of my birthday, I think. Slept out of depression and emotional exhaustion. And then,... suddenly, things were different. You made them different. You made me different.
I guess I always knew my heart would be (truly) broken some day. Sure, some people had dented it. But I always was fine soon after. After all, I am the type that gets their heart broken. So innocent and naive, trying to please and yet unaware of how selfish I am being. I write everything down as if it's the first time anyone has ever felt what I'm feeling. I write prose and poems and songs about everything in my head. I'm one of those characters that says what other people are feeling. And they go, "Yeah, that's it."
I never knew I could hurt this deep, and yet I always knew I would someday. People are such amazing creatures. So many mind games, even just with themselves. Going around in circles.
I'm afraid I will never change.
It's okay, I am not ashamed.
I can say that my bed is made.
You can,
Bend me, shape me
Anyway you can.
Bend me, shape me
Anyway you want me.
I think if I were outside right now, listening to this, I would be so immersed in the past that I wouldn't even notice what was going on around me. Just close my eyes and drift backwards. It sounds wonderful right about now. I wish I could remember what kind of perfume I used to wear back then. That would just about knock me out cold. Scents always do that to me. I smell certain things and I just have these incredibly vivid memories stapled to them. It's incredible... depending on the memory I suppose.
But the good ones... the good ones are so... so.. wonderful and perfect and mind-altering. I almost feel the phrase, "Better than sex" is appropriate here, though I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that. But, it's almost there. It could be better. I think it depends on the sex you're having. And since that's what it depends on, I guess I could say, "Better than sex". Considering my incredible lack of it.
That was a hard sentence to put together. I'm still such a little girl. I'm 20 years old and squeamish about saying certain things in my journal. Incredible.
I wish I could go back to freshman year's winter. Or, near winter. Stay in my bed just like I was for a couple days, maybe a week. Listening to mood-appropriate music. Feeling the chill of winter blowing on me and my quilt, though I'm mostly stuck under it, face wet with tears. Or stained with tears long gone. Not that it's a wonderful way to feel, but the environment feels appropriate to me. I want to go back there.
I think I'm too tired to be doing this. I'm going to drop off in the computer lab. Time for bed.
october 9, 2002
Another major funny courtesy of Homestar Runner, although it requires a tiny bit of effort on your part...
go here and then set the following:
head: 3rd bar
left arm: 4th bar
right arm: 5th bar
legs: 4th bar
background: 4th bar
music: 2nd bar.
When I first put this all together I was giggling like mad because it looks so silly. I love it.