november 29, 2002
Eyes burning...
Body slowing....
Need comfy and soft and lack of pants.....
Too much information.
I am so freaking tired. Why the hell did I stay up this late online?? Because I can, I guess. I'm so pathetic, sometimes.
Who dares me to go out tomorrow to a couple stores?
Better yet, who'd like to gamble on how many times I'm almost killed by crazy shoppers?
november 27, 2002
So uhh.. I'm back home. And... it's been.. boring. Kind of.
I organized my room a bit more. I cleared off my desk (since my computer was left at school) and decided I needed to do something interesting with it so I'd have something to do there. So, I ran to the basement to see what glorious treasures I could find. Lo and behold, I found two really cool things that my parents still have: an old typewriter, and an old record player. The kind of record player that is in this thing, that looks like a suitcase. Yeah. So I grabbed both of those and I've been upstairs typing and listening to records for a little while.
I also found this old, pretty candleholder my mom has. And.. I found something else inside. Something very disturbing and gross. I don't know how many bugs there were, and what all of them were, but there were more than 3, one being a really weird looking centipede and the other two looking like spiders. With spider webbing kind of in the bottom, with the spiders/centipede. I don't know what exactly happened, or how it happened, but I have a working theory that they were attempting to have some sort of bug orgy, overdosed on heroin and suffocated in spider silk.
Or.. maybe the were all just really really stupid. Or they were trying to eat eachother. Who knows.
My point is, these bugs were in there, all dead. My mom cleaned them out (because, I admit, I'm a big wuss and I can't touch anything insect-like) but I dusted off this candleholder and now it's in my room. It's kind of brassy gold, like dirty antiqued- brassy gold, and then it has clearish green parts. It's very pretty. I'll have to take pictures and show you guys. Though, I think my digital camera can't hook up to this computer... yeah. Maybe I'll take real pictures and then scan them in? Hm. Either way. I'll try.
Well, I'm really hungry and my mom is making me soup. I'm hoping Sara will want to do something tonight, because I mean tomorrow IS thanksgiving, she can't be working then. And I don't start work til Monday. And, well, I'm lonely here. Though my entire family is here, it's not the same. I need peers. PEERS!! And, well, I miss Kevin too obviously. He's included in that peer group, but he's in his very own special little peer group. I'm trying to think of a clever name for his group, but everything I can think of isn't subtle enough. Not that I'm above (or below) saying possibly embarrassing, provocative and dirty things in my journal. Oh, no.
However, I have to go and eat. So, that's it from me. I don't know how much I'll actually post while I'm at home, I don't even know how often I'll be online to be honest.
I have baking to do tonight too. Hmm. Caramel Apple Bars, here I come. Will somebody please sound excited about my baking these things? Please?? I know I suck at it usually, but I'm really going to try not to this time.
november 24, 2002
Oh HELL no. I am not having that.
No -1 karmas for entries with poems. That's just not cool. Especially one I put a piece of myself into. I realize, you people are going to do whatever you want regardless, but I'm also going to say whatever I want. And I say, hell no.
4 more days at school.
Kind of not looking forward to going home, cause of.. certain things that will be lacking. I will most likely be very lonely.
But, also looking forward to classes being over and getting to shop for christmas presents. I'm masochistic, I know. I may or may not end up going shopping right after thanksgiving. They sometimes have good sales. But it's insane. I don't know. Depends on a lot of things I guess.
My throat is dry.
And.. that's about it. Because I don't feel like putting anything else in here. And I need to go to sleep.
So darling I just wanna say,
Just in case I don't come through
I was on to every play,
I just wanted you.
november 19, 2002
My mom is so weird sometimes. She just told me about another dream she had. Here's how it goes:
"Hi Rachel! Oh, yeah. I had another dream about you and Kevin the other night. It went something like this: Kevin came over and then we all went somewhere and when we got out of the car, Kevin said to me that he got mad at you and then you got mad at him and then you wouldn't talk to him so he wanted me to tell you that it was all a mistake, that he loved you and cared about you and wanted to get back together. Or something like that. Love, Mom"
Psychic, or wishful thinking? Only time will tell, but being cynical of most psychics I would put my money on wishful thinking. But thanks, mom.
<3 <3 <3
Telephones are better than instant messengers.
I know, blasphemy, right? Ahh,
The IM is good for certain things.
But the telephone is better, cause you can hear the person.
And being there is even better cause you get the whole sensory package.
And for certain people, when you get that whole sensory package, it feels like Christmas.
<3 <3 <3
Got a map on the wall
Full of the sharpest darts
Pointing out places
I've never seen or ever will.
Though every day,
I say I will.
The orange strips in Vegas, pink fields of the midwest.
Blue southern comfort running down the Mississippi
Green skylines of the cities diminish
Yellow western hills and the bays and the bridges.
But, I never will.
When I close my eyes
I am running like a wild one.
Afraid of what I've left behind,
But of what lies ahead, I am terrified.
You inspire me to leave this place,
But organs inspire me to stay.
Throwing darts at the wall, such a waste.
Cause this is it, game over
Let's run away together... ..
Possibly still a work in progress. I like most of it thought. So copyright: Rachel Hoover - 2002, bitch.
november 18, 2002
I wanted to type in this poem from a book I recently bought. It's by this woman, Marge Piercy, and she's really good. I'm thoroughly enjoying this book.
How beautiful to be let
to stare into your eyes
from inches away, eyes of a shallow
sea with rock on the bottom
volcanic and jagged, rocks that slide
from the pass of scarlet poppies.
How beautiful to be permitted hours
of parentheses inside parentheses,
stories begun with so many details
they cannot end till three A.M.,
the talk stitching with fine silken
embroidery, the questioning with a child's
insistent thump, the angry mind
rooting up assumptions, the quick
pop to a different layer that leaves
me with my breath caught
in my throat like a kite in a tree.
How beautiful to hold you all
of a night, hour after hour,
tides of velvet splashing over,
under, pools of tawny feather,
flesh that holds sunlight
caught under the skin, to be given
you in me, to move with you, with
you out into the hot
rapids twisting and bobbing
till the river explodes.
How costly to be let into the halls
of your obsessions, buffeted by the moods
that shake you, the floors that
collapse in splinters, the stairways
that run backwards, the afternoons you will
do nothing but stare in th emirror
making faces, the doubts you swing,
bullwhips that threaten to
behead me, the times you walk through
me like fog, the times when you measure
each drop of affection like
an intravenous feeding solution.
What dance is this permitted
by the bearded gnomes of your fears,
two steps backward for each
step forward or is it
the other way round? Hopes
with rosy breast plumage still
build nests in my hair. Pain
puckers you yet I see the strength
there, the woman riding the crimson
lion through a field of flowers
and danger. My friend, of course
I will dance with you, how beautiful
that so much is permitted
when so much is feared.
That's so beautiful. I dunno, when I read it today it just really spoke to me. Such great imagery. But, in general, such a great set of emotions for a poem. I think my favorite stanza (am I using that right? I don't remember anymore.) is my favorite part of the poem.
I know I should work on some more things, since I am skipping two of my classes today. So I'll try my damnedest.
So I sort of said I'd write later, and here's later, and I really have to go to bed soon.
I don't really know what I'd say anyhow. I'm trying to think of something to say.
Breakdown? Ok.
Friday: Non-stop rollercoaster ride of fun, including lots of class and lots of Kevin.
Saturday: Continuation of ride, plus going home for a whole new class of rollercoaster involving me sitting awkwardly at my keyboard trying to write music someone else's way. Hm.
Then, there was the drinking. That was cool, I got to try some stuff I'd never had. The Strawberry Daiquiri wine coolers my mom bought were good. Mm. Didn't get drunk, no hangover. I am a champ. Haha. Either I drink slower than other people, or it just takes more of it to get me drunk. Not to say I wasn't at all affected. My body felt most of it. But I could still walk fine.
Sunday: After a painful night of sleeping on the floor, I awoke, my mom made us breakfast (so nice) and we went to Best Buy and Dunkin Donuts. I got 3 super-great CDs... Depeche Mode, Singles 81-85, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs EP and Le Tigre: Remix. Yes. Fantastic.
I also have been listening to Elvis Costello since Saturday and I must say, he's permanently fixed in my head. Good stuff.
Mhm. Fun weekend. Not a whole lot of homework done, though I've gotten a couple things done in the past couple hours. I have a quiz tomorrow morning. Yuck. But I usually do well on them. She pulls the questions right from questions in the book, all you have to do is memorize them. Or at least be familiar with them. It's a piece of cake.
Well, here's to 10th week. It's almost over, folks. Yessss winter break. Fun shit. Christmas is coming. Sara's birthday is coming. I actually have a job this winter term. Fantastic.
It's not so hard to be positive when you have someone adorable to stare at. That sounds kind of shallow.. well, I didn't mean it that way. Let me add on to that... someone adorable and amazing. Yeah.
Oh, and me and Sara are going to be independent film makers. Haha. We also have to go to some open mic poetry thing somewhere that's not here (I forget where). So, we plan on killing two birds with one stone and making an independent film about our trip there. Oh, and another one about Sara's dad. Because he would make such an awesome subject. He's fucking hilarious, to be honest. Sometimes a little scary, given he's tall and just plain intimidating, but funny too. We could get him to do some stand up comedy for us. Rocknroll.
The title of the film about our trip will be called, "SWIFT KICK IN THE ASS: The Rachel and Sara story". Or, something to that effect. But we will go. And we will videotape it. Or, figure out something else to videotape. I'll give Sara a role to act out the entire time. Create a basic plot for her to go off of. It'll be great, really.
I have too many interests for my own good.
november 17, 2002
Hm, sorry to have not written in a few days.
There have been things going on. Yes, *things*.
Maybe I'll post an entry tonight, I will sincerely try.
Goodbye for now!
november 13, 2002
Gosh, I really felt the need to sit here and write in my journal, though I mean.. the things I want to say, I don't want to say to my journal. I kind of feel tense with thoughts left unsaid, and I did say to myself at some point that I was going to start saying things more often.
So I think I'm going to end up writing an email.
Today's a busy day. Work, then seeing if I can take pictures, then going home for a couple things, then probably going out with Sara for a little while. I don't have to get up early tomorrow, so I'll be around later tonight at some point should you want to hang out for a bit.
You know, it's just this feeling of having certain things stuck in my throat, and being wonderfully glad I can say them, yet at the same time tense that I haven't said them, and not knowing if I should or not. I suppose I should at least mention them.
Hm. Maybe I'll write a bit more in a few minutes. We'll see.
november 12, 2002
What a day. I feel really exhausted and possibly cold-infested right now. Maybe it's just from being up since 7:30am, but anything's possible.
I didn't get to take pictures today, because the professor figured we wanted photos of students working at easels, so she's going to email me when she knows when I should come in. That's fine. I have to call that other professor tonight or something, because I don't really want to just walk in to the class tomorrow night.
So, yeah, I'm just kind of here waiting for it to be time for work. Maybe if I start feeling REALLY sick, they'll let me go early. It's possible.
Worse part is, I don't think I'll get to take any naps today. At least no time soon. I work from 3-5, then I have a group project meeting at 6:30pm, then I'll probably take a shower and do homework for a while (I have plenty of it). Then... then, it'll be late and bedtime. And I am not staying up late tonight. Not unless I get a nap in and I feel more energized.
Once again, things get a little crazy round here. It always does at the end of the term, but there's other stuff too. Life's kind of like getting ready to go down a flight of stairs, and then finding out the second step is a little lower than you thought and so you lose your balance and sometimes end up falling. Other times you hang on to the railing for dear life so you don't die.
I think I've had too many bad stair experiences. When I was younger, I used to do this weird thing where I'd kind of crawl up stairs. Lean forward, hands stepping up the stairs while my feet were. And then I'd lose my footing and end up sliding down the stairs. Or how about my foot landing halfway on the edge of a stair, and almost losing my balance? Or actually losing my balance and falling? Only half the time I grabbed the railing in time. So, I used to walk down stairs kind of oddly. I'd turn my feet to one side (usually the right) and kind of go down slightly sideways. I had some very strange habits as a child.
There was one time when I swore I couldn't walk for a day. I just woke up one day, and I felt like I couldn't walk. And so I crawled around. And then suddenly I was okay.. I don't know what that was all about.
And of course, the least strange thing, the lightswitch game. We have 3 lightswitches going from the top of a flight of stairs, to the family room. Reach around the door frame, turn one on, go to the bottom of the stairs. Reach around the wall, turn that light on, run to the bar. Turn last switch on. Reverse for leaving the room. Yeah, I was really afraid of the dark. Still kind of am, I suppose. It's compatible with my fear of criminals breaking into my house and killing my family. You can't see anything in the dark, so who knows if someone is already in the house. I guess you would kind of know, but regardless..
I'm rambling here, I think. I wish I could wrap things up but to be honest, I don't really have anything else to do. I guess I could study for my quiz tomorrow (if it is, in fact tomorrow.. I don't really know. I can only assume.)
I want to be in my rooooooooom. In my beeeeeeeeed. Where sleeeeeeep lives. But nooo I have to work. Well, at least the rest of the week I just work at desks during my 2 hour shifts. That's a good thing to look forward to.
So tired. So many things to do.
Oh, Kevin's going to the Peter Gabriel concert tonight. That's awesome. That would be a great thing to see, but I'm not a big fan of expensive shows. I mean yes, I realize, it's Peter fucking Gabriel and he's great and that would be a really neat thing to do. However, I'm kind of glad I'm not going considering how icky I feel today.
I should have napped earlier instead of doing homework. Dammit.
I'm almost tempted to leave myself a message on my other SN. Such a nerd. So not thinking clearly. So tired. Maybe Nancy has a new project for me, testing pillows.. for some reason. I would welcome it with open arms. I don't discriminate against tasks unless they involve me standing a lot. I stood for about 2 and a half weeks this summer. That's exaggerating, but let's see... I worked about seventy something hours during that time. So, I was standing for about three days if you look at it that way.
So, yeah. 19 minutes left. Someone give me something to do.
But then she said, "I plead the fifth."
And it was so.
I have to go take pictures in a few minutes, and I don't even know if it's okay with the professor. Whee! I hate doing things like this when the professor doesn't know or doesn't respond. Bah. But I have to. It's work. I don't mind the actual photography, it's the asking and the intruding that bothers me. But I'll run in, run out and then... well, I thought about getting some sleep. I have a meeting with my partner for my Computer Science class at 1pm. Eep. I was supposed to think about design stuff... Hm. Well, then I have to work from 3-5pm. Then I have a meeting with my group for Community Psychology at 6:30pm. Then,.. aww, I'm going to miss Buffy tonight. Maybe I'll ask my parents to tape it for me. Unless I can figure out how to use this VCR.. and find a blank tape.. Hm.
Anyhow, regardless of missing anything, I have a lot of homework to do. I FINALLY understand my Student Composition Project for Music Math and Art. And it's fairly easy, though I should go home to use my keyboard to write it on. I also have to work on my paper for that class, though that should be easy. Dr. Wilders is very lenient when it comes to papers. He gives you a lot of freedom and for me, that makes it easier in some ways. I also have to study for a quiz I believe... Hm. And read my Rules for Radicals book, because the paper/critique for it is due Friday. I'll definitely get it done. Well, if I'm not out all night again... not that being out all night was bad, it really really wasn't. It was fun and nice and lovely. But, homework once again rears its ugly head.
Ugh. I have to finish eating so I can go invade Drawing I. Here we go.
november 11, 2002
Haha.. this made me laugh this morning... it's my horoscope from bust.com for the week:
"Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open this week. Keen observation, Sherlock style, may lead you to discover something new about your romantic interest — perhaps something dark and mysterious, like a dangerous past or a penchant for retarded hats and pipes. "
Very nice. It's time to get ready for class, and I can't think of anything to say ("When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed; Say something once, why say it again?") so I think I'll just leave things at that.
Except, I brought my Multimedia French program from home because I want to refresh my French skills. YES. I'm finally doing it.
november 10, 2002
It's about that time of the day where I explain how my day has been and what fun things have been going on this weekend. To say the least, things have been interesting. Today was quite a unique day.
Most of it, I'm not going to really explain here in my journal. Because it's personal and there's no reason for you to really know. I just wouldn't be comfortable explaining it.
Basically, today I was doing all sorts of things. I woke up this morning and saw Kevin had left me a message on the IM, saying he was going to be around here (instead of at home) to cash a check, and that if I wanted to hang out to call him. So I did, and we went for food and talked a lot. About stuff. It was nice, and I had fun. Though, he's had some not-so-good stuff going on lately, and of course that's not good. I hope those things get better. But, we always have a bit of fun, at least stuff we can laugh at.
Sooo, then I went home for a while. My mom's such a nut sometimes. See, when I was out with Kevin, it took longer than I thought so I had to call home and let them know I was going to be later than I expected. When I got there, my mom was like, "You had a four hour lunch? What's going onnn?"
Then she proceeded to tell me about this dream she had, with me and Kevin in it. I'll tell the whole story she told me, because it's not long. She said our family was going to the airport for some reason. Something about Georgia I think she said, but I could be wrong. Well we saw Kevin and some other guy there, and my mom said she hugged both of them, and said to Kevin "Oh, you know this guy?" because I guess in her dream she knew him. And Kevin said he sort of did, he was talking to him about a job. Then later in the dream, all of us were sitting at a table, watching some sort of show on a stage. And on one side of the table, was my mom, me and my sister. On the other side, was my dad and Kevin. And my mom said she was watching the stage, and then turned back to see what the rest of us were doing, and she saw Kevin and I lean over the table and kiss eachother. I thought that was really funny. She said she just guesses that she's had him and me on her mind. She's still hopeful that things between me and him will work out, I guess. She told me once, "I never saw anyone look at anyone else the way he looks at you". I didn't know she noticed any of that stuff.. yeah, I dunno.
Well, then I went out with Sara later on in the night. And, her and her boyfriend had a rough phone conversation.. I don't know what's going to happen, but I think they're on the verge of breaking up. It's sad, but I've seen it coming. And I think her boyfriend doesn't treat her very well, and she knows that.
Ugh, I'm incredibly tired. One last thing, about decisions.
At some point in your life, you have to make Important Decisions about certain things you do. I have a theory that you always know what the answer is, you just spend the decision making time looking for a loophole. Like, maybe there's something else you didn't think of. Although, that mostly applies to situations where the answer is something you don't really want to do. But you know you should do it. And it is always the hardest decision you will ever make, because you know it's "Do what I want" or "Do what I should". If you do what you want, there will most likely be consequences. If you do what you should, you know you're missing out on the thing you want.
But, the desire is only a desire under certain conditions. The thing you should do is only what you should do under those same conditions. So, the built in loophole is change. If a certain thing happens that makes the desire consequences less harmful, or not harmful at all, then the desire just becomes.. what you will do. What you can do. The should is eliminated because the original situational conditions disappear. Those conditions are what made it a should.
I'm philosophizing about Important Decisions because it makes me feel a bit better.
It was sooooooooooo hard. Uggh.
Bedtime. Gotta work tomorrow. The way this weekend has been makes me wonder what tomorrow will bring? If anything? Anything is possible. I'm convinced of that at this point. And, in a way, that's a good thing.
Goodnight, hope everyone had a nice day (I wasn't here at all to really talk to anyone online, so I hope things were as fun for you as they were for me). Or if they weren't, I hope things get better. And... yes. Bye.
(<3)
november 8, 2002
I don't know how it got to be Friday again, but here we are.
My day was just "eh". Nothing wonderful, nothing terrible. Or, if there was anything good or bad, it cancelled eachother out and so it left me in this "I just want to go home" mood. Yes, I'm pretty tired. But not too tired. Not tired enough for it to prevent me from staying out very late tonight and tomorrow night.
Sigh! Yes, I hope Sara gets to talk to Nia, so we can have our fun night at my house. Mmmm. I can imagine the drunken fun that awaits us. (Assuming of course, my mom is nice as she usually is and would let us have a little something.. :D)
It would be fun to do it here, but I really wouldn't want to get in trouble for it. After I had an incident freshman year (that had nothing to do with alcohol!) I'm scared of having residence life on my case again, because my hall director told me that I'd have to deal with the consequences if I was caught doing anything else. Me being a goodie-two-shoes, you can imagine that I'm a little intimidated by that.
Anyhow. I'm kind of just waiting for 4pm to roll around, because Alex should be in her room by then, and I'm going to make sure we're still doing something.
Maybe I'll post more later, I dunno. For now, I hope everyone has a good weekend. And that if you've had a bad past couple days, that things get better. Because things always get better. I just hope that it happens sooner for you than later.
<3
Raindrops keep falling on my head.. but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red, la la la la la, la...
So, tonight was interesting. Sara and I just went to the 24 hour IHOP by my house for a while. There were some local teenagers in there, nothing too annoying but nothing too interesting either.
Ohh boy. Then, later on, two guys came in and sat at the table next to us.. I was facing it, Sara's back was to it. Then I saw a girl come and sit with them and I'll be damned if it wasn't this girl I went to school with.. not high school. Grade school and junior high. A girl that I have quite a spotted past with, to say the least. I didn't say anything to her, she didn't say anything to me, if she saw me. I just talked about it to Sara.. I hope she didn't hear. When we got up to leave, she didn't look at me or anything, she was leaning on her hand kind of facing towards the other people at the table, away from me.. Whether that was on purpose or not, I have no clue.
I'm not going to get into the details of my past with this girl, but let's just say I don't remember ending on terribly good terms in 8th grade. So, I had a weird reaction to this.. when I saw her, my body immediately reacted. I was incredibly tense in my stomach and chest. My hands started shaking. I immediately craved certain chemicals to soothe my nervousness. So, though I didn't want any more coffee, I instantly poured myself another cup and gulped down a bunch. It was so weird. Like.. I don't think I felt anything really emotional connected to her. It wasn't emotional tension or nervousness. It's not like I think she's going to do anything to me, or hurt me anymore, or whatever. And if she did, I know that I would just pass it off as her being a bitch. It was more like a physiological response that my body had. I know I always have physical responses when I'm very emotional, but this was more mechanical. No emotion, just reaction to a physical stimulus. It was strange, and I was taken aback. I had a bit of an emotional response, but only because of the shaking and the tension.. not the other way around. Like it usually is. It's curious, and I'd like to think about it some more, but I'm really tired and I have to get up at 8am tomorrow. Ick.
Oh yeah-- I did get those batteries for my mouse. And some cheap AA batteries for my digital camera. I mean, they're Energizer, but I go them for a good price. 2.99. Yup.
I also got a bunch of soda so I don't have to get it Sunday and lug it AND other groceries upstairs. Yuck.
Well, I hope everyone else had a fun Thursday. Now, here comes the weekend... where I get absolutely nothing done.
I think Saturday Sara and I are going downtown. With whoever else wants to come. Unless we go tomorrow. No, Saturday's better for her. Maybe Alex will want to go if we doesn't have anything else, but I'm sure she's probably busy. That's okay. She's welcome to come though. So's anyone else who's interested. I imagine we'll be around the alley, unless I can convince Sara and whoever else to look for a couple cafes I've heard about. Uncommon Ground is supposed to be great, with the best open mics in Chicago. There are a couple others that seem popular. No Exit? Or Exit? Or something like that. And.. I forget the other one. Chase Cafe? Does that sound right? Hm.
But that's it for tonight kids. Have good weekends if you don't read this / I don't post (Ha!) before tomorrow night. Find some fun, be safe and if you see me around somewhere give me a hug cause I always can use one. <3
november 7, 2002
If you have a cordless mouse and keyboard like I do, and the computer ever tells you the mouse's batteries are low.. you'd better go and get new ones. Because mine just ran out and I don't have any new batteries for it. And I have to go to work in an hour and don't feel like running out to my car again just yet. Blah.
I haven't seen or talked to Kevin since Tuesday night. So, yeah I miss him and all that. I still worry. I'm start thinking, maybe he got in an accident, maybe he's sick, etc etc. But I also just plain miss seeing him.
I'm pretty bored, and now I can't work on the art department website at all, and I'm sure Kevin's gone to do whatever he does on Thursdays, and I probably won't see him til tomorrow because I'm sure he'll be out all night.. yeah. Maybe I can get Sara to do something with me tonight. Tomorrow, Alex and I are supposed to hang out. So, yeah.
Well Kevin, if you read this sometime tonight, and if you want to do something, or just meet outside or something, I'm at work from 5-7pm and you can leave a message on my cell phone or something. Or online, but I never see you online ever.
Hey, Peggy... remember when we went to see the Stereo a long time ago?
Hell yeah, I just remembered that. The three of us were in the car, and you blasted "She Would Never" and I remember how great it felt when the song burst out of the speaker's with Jamie singing "I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH!"
Man, I miss that. I don't know, I don't really listen to the Stereo anymore. But I miss that feeling. I got in the mood to listen to them anyhow tonight, so I'm listening to Three Hundred because it has some of my favorite songs on it. Devotion (the word that reminded me of the CD), She Would Never and the title track. Fantastic.
I know I should go to bed soon. I have to go and take more pictures tomorrow.. I should get up at 9:30 so I can go to the earlier Ceramics class too. Get more people. Better pictures. Blah.
Damn, I feel kinda sick now. I all of a sudden felt really hungry so I had some chips and I don't think that was a good idea.
I did do some reading tonight. I'm proud of myself for actually doing something. Maybe tomorrow during work I can actually get more done instead of sitting there doing bullshit things. Although, if I'm writing something good, I guess that's not bullshit. But, you know, I shouldn't waste my time like that.
Haha, I just remembered, I talked to Jamie from the Stereo once online. It was amazing, because I never expected him to talk to me. But he sort of did. I don't remember much about the conversation, but I do remember he was testing out the website and had me look at a page and tell him what I saw. Haha. Fuck. I talked to Jamie online.
Goodness. I also briefly met Dicky Barrett and got his autograph. I could have met Aaron Barrett from Reel Big Fish once, but I was too chicken to go over to him at the time because I was such a big fan. Hahahaha. Actually, I know people who knew/know members of the band, it's not a huge deal, even if I was still into them.
That reminds me, I haven't talked to Ryan in a really long time. Except for the one time we played a brief game of away message tag. I listened in to his radio show and laughed because I finally heard his voice, and commented on the playlist, and he responded later when I wasn't there. It was fun.
Hey Ryan, (as if he reads this.. but nonetheless..) remember when I told you about the crush I used to have on you back in the day, and we joked about how funny it would have been if we had had some kind of online relationship? I forgot about that temporarily. It would have been funny. But I was too intimidated by you at that time. Then I got to know you, and well, haha-- Yeah. Hey, I told you eventually.. just after I was already with Kevin and I didn't see you that way anymore.
If you have a moment to spare for me
If you need a friend that I will be
If you need some company then call me
If you want to see a bad movie
If you still believe you can trust me
If you need a hand to hold, there look down by your knee
No matter what you're going through
No matter what you did or said you'd do
No matter what it is, I will help you
Best line out of this song, though: If you need another dying wish, then you can kill me.
Yeah. Um, I think I'm done for tonight. I don't have anything else interesting to say. Not that anything before this was "interesting" but, you know.
Right.
november 6, 2002
Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Okay, that's it, I'm going to fail because I'm a huge dope. God-fucking-dammit.
So, I forgot to send in my homework for my Math Music and Art class today. I had it (mostly) done, and I was all set to send it in, but I forgot. FORGOT.
Because I'm such a fucking girl, and I'm being all dopey and lovesick and so wrapped up in how I fucking feel, and my schoolwork has been suffering lately. I never want to go to class, I skip a class at least once a week, I never feel like reading all my books (2 out of 3 of them are terrible, but that's besides the point), I never do homework, I usually study a little for tests, everything I actually do, I do at the last minute, I never want to work, I'm not motivated to do much of anything, I don't care about fucking ANYTHING. Well, one thing. The same thing I've cared about for a long time. Not to say it's bad for me to care. It's not. I don't hate the fact that I still care so much about Kevin and about us being on good terms. It is a good thing. The problem is, it's so powerful that it can completely take over my mind sometimes. And I hate feeling like I have no control over my life. And that's how I feel sometimes.
And I hate feeling isolated and alone. I was alone for a long time. Yeah, maybe I did have a couple of good friends during the course of my life. But really, I was alone. I convinced myself that it was impossible for anyone to love me, for anyone to even like me, for anyone to ever be interested in me, for anyone to ever want to be friends with me, etc. Carry that as far as you want.
And people don't want to hear about that. That's why I talk about it here. Because when people get the idea that you have all these terrible thoughts and that you have low self esteem, they just aren't as interested. They don't want to be brought down with you.
Then again, I don't want anyone who reads this to also get a bad impression of me. So, I'm sorry. But I don't know what would happen to me if I kept it all inside.
Anyhow, the whole point of all this is that if I don't watch it, this is all just going to destroy me. Every day,.. it's the same thing. I'm really really sick of being listless, of the confusion, of constantly having to face the grim future that lies ahead of me if I don't fucking kick myself in the ass.
One thing I learned about 2 and a half years ago, is that if you don't extract yourself from a bad situation, something worse is going to happen that will eject you from it. It'll be for your own good, but it'll hurt like fuck. And unlike people and death, life does give you second chances. And in my experience, you get a warning, and then you get a small window of opportunity to get yourself out of the bad situation you're in. Once it's shut, you can pretty much bet your ass that you're in for it. It may not happen right away, but it will happen, and it'll be bad. Let's review. Bad situation, something happens that warns you to get out of it, and you get that extra chance to back out. If you don't, you're getting the fucking boot whether you like it or not.
What's my bad situation? Moping. Moping, feeling sorry for myself, putting myself down, paying too much attention to things that don't really matter,... for a while now I've known that I don't want to be such a depressing, negative person. That I want to be more positive, that I need more positive people around me. But it is fucking hard to pull that out of yourself when all you know is cynicism, pessimism and depression.
I don't know. I'm so confused. On one hand, I can't deny my nature and I shouldn't feel ashamed for it. On the other hand, I want to present myself as someone who has their shit together. Someone who's doing okay and can make it through the tough times. Someone who other people would want to have friendships or relationships with. And, I feel like I can't do both somehow. Is that true?
Well, I think I'm going to make myself do some homework right now. And then treat myself to coffee at Coffee Dregs after I do it. Because,... well, there's no one else who's going to do it for me. The treating, not the homework.
Right. To work then.
Sorry for all the crappy posts today. I know I'm not saying anything particularly intellectual, inspiring, reflective or deep.
I can only write how I feel.
So,
:( :( :( :( :(
Lots of missing and longing and wishing I had a second chance to do certain things I know I'd do now. To do things better. It sucks that the only way you learn what you want and how to express yourself to someone is through loss.
I have to stop brooding through and try to cheer up before work. Just try to think about the good things. What the future holds. I wish the Cosby show was on right now, I could sure use it...
But for the last time
You're everything that I want and ask for
You're all that I'd dreamed
Who wouldn't be the one you love
Who wouldn't stand inside your love
Protected and the lover of
A pure soul and beautiful you
Don't understand
Don't feel me now
I will breathe
For the both of us
Travel the world
Traverse the skies
Your home is here
Within my heart
Sigh.
This whole cold weather thing is making me reminisce. The layers of clothes. The heater in the room.
I'd give it all up, the heater- the computer- the phones- the TV- just to have a pair of arms tonight. With a person attached to them. Not just any person.
I have this strange urge to be riding along in your car in the dead of winter.
"Take me away, I know I could use the rest."
Today was such a crappy day, mostly. I didn't really do much. I worked, I studied for a test.. all that stuff.
Although, there were a couple highlights. I saw Kevin a couple times, we even went over to The Cage for some food. That was nice. I love picking up the phone and hearing him on the other end. We both had kind of crappy days and weren't in the best of moods, but you know, we relaxed and talked and laughed at some of the oddballs that he has to deal with at work.
Then, I was just outside a few moments ago and there were some people out there, Kevin, this girl Sarah that I talk to when I see her and a couple of her friends. Everyone else went inside, so me and her were shooting the breeze and all that. Now she knows my last name and can look up my number in the directory, so I'm sure I'll get to see her a bit more. That's cool, I love getting to know people I wouldn't get to know normally. Because, her and I don't have any classes together, I can't remember ever seeing her randomly on campus, usually it's just outside the building or something. She's nice, and we have certain things in common.
I got a hug from Kevin today too. That helped my day be better. (she says, sighing and smiling a bit) Haha. I'm such a dork when it comes to stuff like that, I always have been. Though sometimes it was in regards to guys who didn't deserve it.. stupid asshole meanies who I really hope I never see again. But, that's something different and not so related, I'll move on.
The Cosby's were just on too, that always makes me happy when I catch it.
Well, I'm pretty exhausted from today. I didn't really DO much, but just the overall crappiness is tiring to deal with.
Goddamn, I really have to try and get a hold of Melisa sometime. It's weird how rarely I see certain people on campus, (people that she knows, that's where the connection comes in). I've seen Coffee Dregs Eric like, once. I saw Chris Carpenter the other day. Well, maybe he'll be in one of my classes next term. We'll see. He's one of those people I think I'd like to talk to more, but I rarely get the chance.
Aaaanyhow. Bed soon. Tomorrow's the middle of the week. Yesss. Goodnight everybody, hugs all around if you also had kind of a crappy day.
november 5, 2002
So, look.. I don't think this is going to be a good day. I'm just warning everyone. I feel like shit. I wish I hadn't woken up this morning. I don't want to go to work, I want to just go to bed and sleep for the rest of my life.
So, don't expect me to put on a happy face for anybody. I'll do it if I feel like it, but trust me when I say that inside I feel like I'm dying.
Oh yeah, I said I'd post more. Bwuhaha.
Okay, so like... I got hired for that job during winter term, at the library, part time. Yesssss. I knew there was no reason I wouldn't, unless too many other people applied.
Also, my mom emailed me and apparently I got a phone call to see if I was still interested in this other part time job, a.. mystery shopper, or whatever. I'm sure you've heard of it. Well, it does exist. Not exactly how you hear from all the scam sites and ads, but it exists. So, I think I have to have an interview and then I may or may not have a third job. Rock.
If it requires too much extra time, then I won't.. but, it would be fun.
Uhhh... have you seen this Beauty and the Beast sequel commercial? What the fuck? In it, the Beast is still the Beast. Didn't she turn him back into a person at the end of the first one? Shit. And now they're already showing Christmas commercials. Motherfucker.
So, I was on my way home from Sara's tonight, and I accidentally took I55 North when I should have taken I55 South. But, luckily, one of the next exits was Harlem, and it was way easy to get back on, going the right way. I am great, because it's becoming harder and harder to really get lost. I can always find my way back to where I was supposed to be. Yeaaaaaaah.
So, Sara and I were talking tonight about motivation, and accomplishing things, etc. And, she said that she was proud of me because she felt like I was really doing all the things I wanted. I was going to school, I've somehow kept writing tons of songs, I'm an officially paid web designer (no matter how low the pay) and you know, I don't think I should feel too conceited in saying she has a point. At least, in that I am making some of my desires come to life. Sure, lately I've felt pretty terrible at times. No one can blame me for that. It's like, right when I get a bunch of things I wanted, one very important thing I adored already having slipped away. Anyhow, my point is despite the fact that I'm sometimes too busy missing Kevin, I really am lucky to have certain things going on in my life.
I really think Sara and I should get together more often to work on music. I mean, there's something to be said for doing things on your own, but I really do think you need another perspective sometimes.
Uh, okay, I'm really tired now. I can't think of anything else to really say. And, I don't want to go to bed toooo late tonight. Tomorrow has to be a homework day, or else I'll be far behind.
Mm, I wish I had Someone to fall asleep next to tonight.
(<3)
november 4, 2002
I'll post more in a sec, but I felt like posting this first... it's old.. real old.. and I apologize for the lowercase letters, I was dumb then... but..... I dunno, I think it's not bad considering some of the shit I've written. At least it was honest.
giving in is weak, but so am i
so i shouldn't be afraid to cry
and all these feelings i'd rather hide
seem to creep their way to the outside
i can't help wanting things this way
i can't help my feelings or else i'd break
but i'd rather keep them locked away
i am afraid of what you'd say
what you'd say
i bring my heart wherever i go
it comes right through people always know
and now i can't help feeling low
i didn't want to stay but didn't want to go
but i feel relieved i hope you see
how much this has been bothering me
so i sit here and write away
cause i'm still afraid of what you'd say
what you'd say
my heart likes to hide me from the truth
so i wonder if somehow i've hurt you
tell me i'm crazy it's nothing new
tear me up i'll withstand the abuse
but please don't take what i said to heart
to say that to you was really hard
i want everything to be the same
but i still wonder what you'll say
what you'll say hey
what you'll say hey
I love the way you lay on me
I love the electricity,
Please let me stay
I wont look you in the eye
I wont give you away,
Today.
- - - - - - - - - - -
That's someone else's, not mine. I just liked the way it sounded. But,... don't ask about this one, I give no answers. It just sort of happened. Poems are best when they just happen. And yes, this is my idea of a poem. Don't knock it.
Sweet and dirty, how I like it
I imagine whispering in a curious ear
And you take it all in
Cause it's what you wanted to hear.
So now I've hidden this facet away
And I will slide pieces of the labyrinth
Conceal myself and lie in wait
Sweet and dirty, how you like it;
And it'll be worth it when you find it.
Soft touch, right place
Long thoughts of the best way
Murmured love, steady gaze
I open up the labyrinth gates
Sweet and dirty, some day
If you decide you want to play.
november 3, 2002
Wow, so this weekend was odd. Yesterday I felt like absolute shit, but I showered and went out to dinner with my family anyhow. It was alright. Then, I went out with Sara later last night because my other plans fell through. We just talked and got coffee, but we made plans for her website and her potential business. So, she was pumped up and excited, and so am I. Tomorrow I hope to make a trip to her house to take pictures, and then go to Kinko's to find out some stuff.
Today's been terrible so far. For one thing, I have homework for Computer Science. And, I've felt like shit alll day. Actually, all weekend, but especially today. My neck has been stiff, and I've been getting headaches, and of course the variety of female problems that come along with our special little gift. But then at work, I was sitting there and I was thinking about shit I shouldn't be thinking. I don't want to get into it too much here, but it was just like.. basically me having low self esteem and thinking "Yeah, why would anyone want to be with me when they could be with certain other girls who are more attractive and better".. yeah, not good. I hate that stuff. When you start thinking it, you think maybe telling someone can get you pity, or will get them to say what you want to hear, and that's bad bad thinking. At least I realize it, lots of people don't. Because even if you did tell someone, they wouldn't respond the way you want them to. You have to just push it away as quickly as possible.
But, right after that, I got really really sick. Like, I was afraid I was going to really throw up all over the desk.. I didn't, but it was terrible. I thought I was going to pass out/vomit/die/find out I had some horrible disease that was slowly killing me. Actually, I was afraid I had meningitis.. you know, stiff neck, headaches, nausea... I feel better now. It might have just been because I was hungry. And, I probably get stiff necks because I sleep with my headphones on and that's kind of limiting. And, it's cold out. I'm sure that doesn't help. And the headaches were probably sinus headaches (as I have been kind of congested and yucky in that area lately) or else they were stress headaches. Something. Whatever.
My point is, that sucked.
Anyhow I took a break from my homework to do my grocery shopping, but now it's back to that. It's hard, but I'm working on it piece by piece. I WILL get it done, and I will get at least a decent grade on it.
Plus, Alex and I are definitely doing something this Friday. No doubt about it. Because she said so :) I saw her today before work and she's like, "Okay no more of this! We are doing something this Friday!" because it seems like everytime we try and make plans, she has something that comes up. She's just a busy girl. That's okay though.
I cannot wait for this term to be over. At least because my Math Music and Art class will be done. That reminds me, I have to get a copy of my schedule tomorrow so I can fill out my work schedule this week. Hmm.
Haha. I was just having an interesting little daydream in my head. No, it's none of your business. It's my own personal fun.
Okay, back to programming. I'll post later maybe, I dunno...
november 2, 2002
So, I found this comment today in one of my entries...
"I think your website is great.Your picture is great. Your writing is great. I admire you. You inspire me."
Picture me blushing :D
Gosh, that's.. amazing. I really appreciate all those comments, and well, I'm glad I inspire somebody.. Thanks :)
In other news.. I'll bet you were all waiting to hear about my Halloween, huh? After I've been going on about it? Well, I don't have much to say about my Halloween. Except, that it's the first one I've spent alone, I think. I had an art club meeting, worked, ended up going for a walk by myself late at night. Which, probably wasn't the safest idea I've ever had, even in Naperville. But, hey I'm here and in one piece. I actually saw silly string on the ground too. Maybe there are some normal people out here... Oh, and Kevin and I actually didn't end up getting together, but it was because he ended up going out with a friend (which was a good thing, if you understood the context), and he did have some homework to do.. so, we'll plan it for another time. It's alright, I know he has a lot of things going on. I mean granted, I was disappointed, but you know these things happen. I can wait, it's worth it :)
Anyhow, today was an interesting day. I actually cleaned. Not completely, but enough to make a difference. You should see my desk.. I should have done before and after shots.
Then, I went to pick up Sara and we had a fun little video store adventure. I'll try to make this not so boring...
Like the vibrant, intelligent and independent women we are, Sara Marie and I whisked ourselves away to the local Blockbuster for some Friday night entertainment. We neglected to remember that the town of Naperville harbors evil, fun-destroying forces that influence every establishment and business in the area. So needless to say, Blockbuster did not have any Faces of Death, or Absolutely Fabulous tapes. Oh, woe is me. We were denied our cultural enrichment (Hahahaha. Sorry.)
However, the courteous jeune fille behind the counter pointed out to us a store called Family Video that was sure to have at least the Faces of Death series. Being quite amused at this paradox, (NC-17 movies in a place called Family Video?) we continued on our way down East Ogden.
At the store, we were delighted to find out that first, one Faces of Death was left. Two, it was only a dollar for a week. Three, I would receive half off for being a first time customer, and this deal lasts for 30 days. Oh, will wonders never cease? 50 cents for a movie. Delightful.
Crap, it's hard to talk like that for too long. Anyhow, we got a pizza, watched the damn movie (it was.. well... it was death alright. I can't call it good... but it was a new experience for me.)
And so now, I sit here, burned out already.
But tomorrow I have a bunch of things to do. Dinner with family and grandparents. Potential things happening with a friend on campus (yes, I have one.. haha), and most likely, seeing Sara again. At least for coffee.
Well, I should sleep. No other news really.. well, Sara and I are plotting out ways for her to make a little extra money through her creativity. By that, I mean she wants to make purses and sell them. She has one already, and when I first saw it I didn't know she had made it. She is good. So if you're interested in seeing a picture, let me know and I'll show you one when I get one taken. She said she'll even customize fabrics/colors if you want.
I've been finding a lot of inspiration for writing in books I've been reading. Maybe this will lead to something.. I doubt it, but anything's possible. Oh.. I have to think about that piece of artwork I wanted to make too.. Hmm. Yes. But, bed now.
Sorry for the long entry though, it's been a while.. Damn, I have a bunch of homework to do this weekend. Damn damn damn.
Ahhhhh bed!#%!