december 31, 2002
My girl, my girl
Don't lie to me
Tell me where did you sleep last night?
In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun don't ever shine
I will shiver the whole night through.
My girl, my girl
Where will you go?
I'm going where the cold wind blows.
In the pines, in the pines
Where the sun don't ever shine
I will shiver the whole night through.
---
I don't care if the lyric is "I would". I'm saying I will. I will shiver. The whole fucking night through.
Jesus fucking christ that song makes me want to die that way. Walk out into a forest of pines and just freeze myself to death.
I was going to say something else, but I don't want to curse myself. If I say it, it'll happen. I know it. That's my luck.
posted by rachel
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I have a fun story.
I was leaving Kevin's house tonight, and I thought I saw some movement in the street. Having inherited a paranoia gene from my mother's side, I naturally stare in that direction to see if it was a cat, a trick of light, or a horrific monster. Being also half Polish, from (guess where?) my mother's side of the family, I try to get into the car while doing this.
Recipe For Disaster with a capital "OH FUCK!"
So naturally, I hit my head on the top of the car. In fact, scratch that. I didn't hit it. I WHACKED it. I PLOWED it into the car. It was something that would only happen in a movie-- sound effect included. It actually made that WHACK sound.
So allll the way home, I'm thinking "Oh shit, I'm going to have a concussion.. I can't go to sleep if I have one, right? Cause I could die? Ohhhh shit."
I researched symptoms though. Here's an excerpt of a conversation discussing said symptoms...
Rachels storm: haha one of the symptoms is persistent confusion. i guess they mean abnormal persistent confusion, caaaause i could apply that to myself
tomato hazing: yeah, in that case, you're just in permanent concussion.
Rachels storm: haha
tomato hazing: i should get you a t-shirt made that says that.
Rachels storm: haha yeah
tomato hazing: hell, let's start a band just so we can call ourselves that.
Rachels storm: haha alright!
Rachels storm: okay, i'm not in a coma, i'm not having convulsions, i'm not vomiting, i have some muscle weakness and drowsiness but i'm pretty sure that's just from being tired.
There you go. Nobody worry, I should be fine.
However.... if I should ever die suddenly, I would want someone to go on my journal and post what happened. Everything. Details. What the funeral was like. Etc. And I would want my sites and journal to stay up forever. Well, until the internet dies. I think if I died suddenly, it would be my only way of still kind of existing to the world.
I haven't had a good New Year's Eve for... a while. I've stayed home the past two years, I believe. But this year, I think I'll have a good one. Kevin's coming over. It'll be nice. <3
Okay, bedtime soon. Later. Cross your fingers.
posted by rachel
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december 30, 2002
Is it just us, or have other areas been seeing things like this?
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-0212300114dec30,1,4573349.story?coll=chi%2Dnews%2Dhed
Not that car accidents are unusual. But there have been a lot of them lately, since Christmas. Tis the season, I guess.
Strange how you don't notice things like this when you're younger, even just a year or two younger.
posted by rachel
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I didn't get the chance to mention it, but tonight I saw Lewis Black at Zanies in Vernon Hills. Very very cool. It was a very last minute decision, I just bought the tickets Saturday. I saw it, said "Hey Kevin, you wanna go?" and then there was a lot of scrambling around with the phone. I won't get into all of it, but it was worth it.
So we drove about an hour north. A little scary, it was very wooded and spooky. But then everything opened up and it was very West-suburbian. Big stores, big strip malls, etc. Meanwhile, I had just been to my bank earlier in the day, which is on Kedzie between 111th and 115th. I'm sure if you're reading this, you have no idea what I'm talking about at all, so I'll explain.
When I say "West suburbian", I mean preppy, retarded-posh, rich person town. Every store is huge, every strip mall is huge, lots and lots of lights, big streets, way too many SUVs and many more expensive stores.
Where my bank is, which is really only 5-10 minutes from my house, it's completely different. It's kind of "Outskirts of the outskirts of the city". Tiny streets, moderate to crappy automobiles, small houses, small local/independent stores, more interesting scenery, less brightly lit, etc. And once in a while, downtown-style streets. By that, I mean stores CRAMMED in together RIGHT alongside the street. Think of a strip mall, but with all the stores SHOVED right to the curb. I love that. Cause the stores are all locally owned.
So of course you can see the dichotomy in which I live. My home is near more double-outskirts style towns/streets. My school is at the heart of the capital of Conceited West Suburbia. It's sick.
But, the club was nice, the other two comics weren't bad, and of course Lewis Black was great. Haha yeah. You know what I love though? Lewis Black is one of those comics who puts on their angry, serious front. It's part of what makes him so funny. But what I absolutely love, is when a comic like that lets themselves break through that once in a while. Like, they'll just say something so funny or so SOMETHING to them, that they crack a smile and try to smother a short laugh. I don't think it's unprofessional, I think it's great to get to see that.
Anyways, so it was Kevin, Mike and.. Mike's girlfriend. Haha I forgot her name. I suck at names. Fucking hell. Well, the four of us went. And we got our required 2 beverages/food. And you know how much the bill was? $43.25. I remember it because I stared at it for a good 5 minutes trying to figure out how. Well, the cheapest things to get are Cokes and fries. Cokes are $4, fries are $3.55. Kevin and I both got that. Mike and his girlfriend got other things, one of which cost 7.00 I think. Well regardless, it kind of made sense. That and they charge you a bunch of taxes. Blah. Yeah that's something we'll only do once in a while. It was fun, and worth it though. Even if they do rape you for more money once you're there.
But like I said, it was fun. I really enjoyed my night. It was something different, and of course we got to see a wonderful wonderful comic. And hell, we didn't even get lost on the way there. Granted it was a straight shot up north on 294, but still. If there's any such things as perfect nights, I think we got really really really really close.
REALLY close. :)
posted by rachel
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december 28, 2002
Well, I guess I should make some sort of comment on the new design. I was up late last night doing it, and so.. here it is. Not too different from the old one in terms of layout, but eh. I like my iframe.
You might also notice that I replaced the "Past" section with a "Sketchbook" section. No more rehashing old journal entries. Now I'm going through my sketchbooks looking for interesting pictures I've done. Maybe it'll help me be more inspired in certain ways.
And yes, that picture is of me. No, it is not recent.
It's from my sophomore year of high school. Our teacher took photos of us to use as a guide for our self-portrait. This was mine. I actually drew it very accurately; Our finished drawings were hung out in the hallway, and everyone said when they saw my drawing (without knowing it was mine beforehand) they immediately recognized that it was me. That's a great compliment. I was good. No more, though. I guess.. anyhow, I'm sure I have things to do today.
posted by rachel
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december 27, 2002
OH OH OH OH OH WAIT WAIT WAIT I HAVE NEWS
I just read that Rainer Maria and Mates of State are headlining some Polyvinyl tour... and on February 7, they'll be at the Metro!!! Eeek! I'm such a nerd, but I really want to see that now. Holy crap.
Erm, carry on. I'm done.
posted by rachel
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So okay, I was really tired last night and I thought up this seemingly genius plan.
Then when I woke up this morning, I said "Shit, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That won't work."
However, I told my sister and my mom and they seem to think it's at least somewhat plausible.
So, if I can convince my dad, and if I can get a bunch of people to help out, we're going to build a practice room.
Did you hear that Sara? You're helping. Because it'll be a practice room. And you can use it too.
Okay. So we're thinking it can be on the back of the house, where we used to have a screenhouse in the summer. RocknRoll. If we can extend it all the way to the pool, it'll be great because it'll be nice and big. Then Jodi's drum set can go in there, my guitars/amps can go in there, my keyboard can go in there... and we'll have somewhere private to practice. It'll be rad. Trust me.
Catch: Jodi and I have to save up our money from now til June, if we can get the permits and get my dad to say "okay" and get a couple relatives, Sara, Nia, maybe Jeremy and Vic to help us. Mwuhahaha. They will help. Because I said so.
Hmm Peggy did Habitat for Humanity once I believe, maybe if she's around this next summer I can ask her to come over and help out a bit.
Most of it would be a weekend thing. Like, Jodi and I can do little things whenever we're home during the week, and maybe at night with a couple other people. But most of the work would be done on weekends and when people have vacations. The fun part would be getting to fix it up once it was built. I get so excited thinking about it, but I know I shouldn't in case it doesn't happen.
Because then there'd be no excuse for Sara, Nia and I. We'd have somewhere to go. In my wildest dreams, the three of us start playing together, get a makeshift temporary band set up, and have mini-shows back there in the summer, when we can have the door open. Sigh.
If our backyard was big enough, this addition could be huge and we really could have mini-shows. And have friends bands play in there. Have open mics. Hahahaha. Oh crap this is going too far. Somebody stop me.
If nothing else, I'd get my equipment out of my room and would have more room for everything. And I'd be happier if my room was less cluttered.
Plus... then if Sara needed somewhere to go when I'm at school, or if she needed to borrow something of mine, she wouldn't have to bother my parents. She would just have a key to the room. Because although it would be an addition, it wouldn't be connected to the house at all. We'd just have to have a door on the outside, and a window or something, and then the door would HAVE to be locked. We'd totally set it up real nice.
I'm getting so ridiculously happy just thinking about this.
And we could make signs to hang on the door... like if I'm recording, I can have a sign that says "Recording, come back later" so I'm not disturbed. Or, if we're practicing, we can just have a sign that says "Practicing, please knock". Yes.
Mmmmmmm I really really really hope we get to do this. Ohhh boy.
posted by rachel
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december 25, 2002
::Breaks everything in her head into a million pieces because if she broke everything here she would feel bad because it belongs to her parents.::
I need to break something. But I always feel really guilty and awful when I break something. Or hit something. I'm such a terrible person. God. Motherfucking son of a bitch.
So, yes or no
Are you in or are you out?
I didn’t get all dressed up
Just to fight your self-doubt.
Fool yourself and you can
Fool anyone you choose.
There’s no way you can lose
Whoa-oh whoa-oh YEAAAAH
MANIPULATE ME OH YEAH C'MON
Manipulate me oh yeah c'mon
MANIPULATE ME OH YEAH C'MON
Manipulate me oh yeah c'mon
WHAT'S A LINE IF YOU DONT' TOE IT??
What’s the lead if you don’t blow it?
I think losing everything could be so THERAPEUTIIIIIC!!
What’s a horn if you don’t toot it?
What’s a gun if you don’t shoot it?
Just because you fucked it up doesn’t mean we KNEW IT, YEAH!!
posted by rachel
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We suffer everyday,
What is it for,
These crimes of illusion
Are fooling us all,
And now I am weary,
And I feel like I do.
It's only you,
Who can tell me apart,
And it's only you,
Who can turn my wooden heart.
The size of our fight,
It's just a dream,
We've crushed everything,
I can see, in this morning selfishly,
How we've failed,
And I feel like I do.
It's only you,
Who can tell me apart,
And it's only you,
Who can turn my wooden heart.
Now that we've chosen to take all we can,
This shade of autumn, a stale bitter end,
Years of frustration lay down side by side.
And It's only you,
Who can tell me apart,
And it's only you,
Who can turn my wooden heart.
It's only you,
Who can tell me apart,
And it's only you,
Who can turn my wooden heart.
posted by rachel
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My mouth is really dry, and I know I'm tired but I dread sleeping. I feel so tense. Afraid? This is no time to be afraid and cautious.
Is the floor really vibrating, or is it just me? It seems to be vibrating to the music. But that's impossible, because the music is playing in my headphones. Besides that the speakers / computer are on a desk, not on the floor. Maybe I'm just imagining things.
Thinking about all the things I saw tonight makes me sick. I wanted to hurt them. I wanted to do terrible things to them. I wanted the earth to crush them with its miserable, intolerable weight. I wanted hell to open up right under their feet and suck them into its scarring, fatal fumes. To me, they don't deserve anything. They certainly don't deserve that.
But then again, maybe I'm the one who doesn't deserve it and therefore doesn't have it. Maybe it doesn't even exist. Maybe I'm just being the dense, stupid girl I've always been.
I want to inflict pain upon the entire rest of the world. I want to burn them and bleed them and hurt them. I want to break their hearts and pick at them with guilt. I want to torture them. That's what this feels like, like I want to hurt everyone in the world.
But I'm suffocating myself with this god damn pillow and I can't move or act at all. All I can do is think about how much I want to bring extreme pain to all of existence, and how it still feels like the floor is vibrating to the music.
posted by rachel
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P.S.
Like, fucking OUCH man. The holidays can suck it.
posted by rachel
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So, I don't know what you want me to say? Something about Christmas? Eh, fuck Christmas. I'm sorry but I have been in a horrible mood today. And, I still am. Mostly because of getting together with my family I guess, though I know that sounds horrible. I just really didn't want to be there.
I have on thing to say. You idiots out there, Christmas doesn't make your problems go away. When you're a kid, you feel like it does. Well this Christmas I realized it doesn't mean shit in that way. Problems don't go away. They're not only going to be there afterwards, they're there the whole fucking time.
Yeah, I like giving people stuff. Yeah, I like the presents part. But it all feels worthless after it's all said and done.
So, anyhow. I saw a bunch of It's a Wonderful Life today for the first time. Very depressing. Yeah, that was the last thing I needed to see.
I don't care if they had no honeymoon, were usually broke and had to live in a condemned house. It still pissed me off because it's a movie and I knew everything would be fine in the end. Because at least... well, the at least doesn't matter. Fuck it. Fuck everything.
Yeah Merry fucking Christmas. I'm going upstairs to find some way to relieve all this tension and anger and depression.
posted by rachel
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december 23, 2002
I'd just like to point out that Kevin got a story published by McSweeneys. So, go read it because it's really good.
My mom should stop slamming silverware into the drawer. It's not going to make me feel more guilty for my offhand and pointless comment. Because I know I shouldn't have said anything in the first place, but I did because I wasn't thinking and had other things on my mind.
Yay, Christmas. I'm so grouchy and touchy that my jaw is clenched. God fucking dammit.
posted by rachel
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december 22, 2002
Rachels storm: i wish she'd make up my mind, i don't know if i should be happy or mad about this
Rachels storm: er
Rachels storm: for crying out loud...
Rachels storm: make up HER mind
Rachels storm: maybe i am tired
Rachels storm: maybe that was just a freudian slip or something
tomato hazing: kind of a dull one, wouldn't you say?
Rachels storm: yeah
tomato hazing: i'm mostly interested in the ones where you say like "i wish she could make up SEX mind"
Rachels storm: hahaha yeah
Rachels storm: so was freud
ZING!
posted by rachel
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december 21, 2002
Some links for anyone else who's bored...
http://www.democracymeansyou.com/
http://sfgate.com/columnists/morford/archive/#about
Here's my last Saturday working at the library. Ugh.
Still 3 hours left.. that's not bad. Halfway done.
So, I tend to look at a lot of websites since I'm bored. And I actually think I found something really worth all the boredom. It's another online journal, sorry, but it's a really good one. At least I think it is. I mean, the author talks about a lot of relevant, real world, important things. Among personal stuff too, but that's a given. And the design is great. Nothing fruitily artistic like I tend to be, but I love that she used really bright colors... bright colors that work together, too. It's pretty.
She's a journalist, which I suppose contributes to her discussion of important things. You kind of have to know about stuff like that when you're a journalist... I of course, don't know those things because a) I'm not a journalist and b) most of it bores me to tears.
I don't really "get" politics. I don't understand governments. Laws, policies and politicians baffle me because most of the time I don't know what they're talking about. At least with the politicians, I can be relatively sure they don't know what the hell they're saying either.
Now art,.. art I can talk about. I can go on for hours. Not just visual art either, when I say art, I mean all of it. Philosophy I understand. Parapsychology is a beloved topic of conversation. I love ghost stories. Music is broad enough a topic that you can talk about it with anyone, even if your tastes are completely different.
Well, anyhow.
I don't see myself getting much rest over the next few days. Today, my agenda involves a shower, dying my hair, baking brownies, making pudding and starting to clean my room. Tomorrow, I have to finish cleaning my room, finish making those Cherry Trifles (the brownies and pudding are for them), and finish cleaning my room. Sara's family is supposed to be at our house around 3pm. It's rumored that we may break out our new Simpsons trivia game-- however I think my mom overestimates the Aurichs' Simpsons related knowledge. Nonetheless, it could work out.
You know what we should do? Play Rummy. It's a long tradition. We have this special Rummy paper mat and we always play with pennies. Yes.
Anyways, then Monday is the 23rd. I have to finish getting Christmas presents ready, maybe bake something, and then we open our presents on Christmas Eve morning, so we kind of have our Christmas Eve a day ahead of time. Y'dig? Yes, I get my presents earlier than you. Ha ha.
THEN, the 24th is Christmas Eve, and we're going to my Aunt's house this year for that. There, we exchange gifts with the rest of my relatives and have food and all that. Then, we're having Christmas Day. So I have to make a dessert for that and clean the house (cause it will be messy!) and get dressed up, etc. Then the day after... I finally get to somewhat relax. And pay bills. And brace myself for the total of how much I spent this Christmas. Sigh. I'm so pathetic. But I can't help it, I always go nuts for people at Christmas.
Speaking of people, Kari liked the present I sent her :D I made a little stocking for her and filled it with candy. And added a bag of gummi bears, since she said she liked them.. But yes. I'm glad :D
I have no idea what I'm doing this New Year's Eve. Kevin mentioned that Lewis Black is playing somewhere downtown on New Year's Eve. I think Sara and Nia also have discussed doing something on New Year's, in the past. Though we never made any plans. I dunno. It sucks, because I don't want to leave anyone out. And I can't have my cake and eat it too, because I think Kevin still thinks Sara doesn't like him... but you know what, besides that, both of them are the same way when it comes to other people. They get quiet. I'm like that too, sure. But usually the other person isn't, or if they are, I make up for it by somehow balancing things out.
Well, both Kevin and Sara kind of clam up around eachother. Not because they don't like eachother (they don't even know eachother..) but because of the fact that they don't know eachother. And both of them take the other's silence to mean that they don't like them. Kind of frustrating, considering they're two of the most important people in my life. And I would like to be able to be with both of them in the same room without feeling like I'm leaving one of them out of whatever's going on. But maybe it's because they're both so important.. maybe I do really leave one of them out, and maybe it's impossible to strike a balance or a compromise. Hmm.
Well, we'll just see. My mom and dad might go out with friends. And she's like, "You and Kevin can take Jodi to Bobby's party (my cousin)". And I told her, "What makes you think I don't already have plans for New Year's Eve that don't involve Bobby's party?"
Maybe the fact that I haven't gone anywhere on New Year's Eve for the past two years? Yeah, probably. But still.
This entry is getting really long. Hm. I guess I should cut things off...
december 19, 2002
Oh, I love the holidays. So many opportunities for good jokes. Edited for maximum amusement:
KEVIN AND RACHEL RIP ON CHRIST & CO.
tomato hazing: he says it's a church law that got repealed, since there's gambling in churches.
tomato hazing: i'm like "you're talking about catholicism. they like to bend the rules lots."
Rachels storm: hmm yeah
Rachels storm: haha i want to be able to say "YEAAAAH i remember the old church slot machine. ran off of communion wafers"
Rachels storm: because i was catholic
tomato hazing: hahahahaha
Rachels storm: i wish that happened
tomato hazing: you hit 3 crucifixes and you're up to your knees in really old wafers
-------------
(Earlier today.. paraphrased and biased by my terrible memory)
Kevin: They have this theory that Jesus didn't actually die, that he was in a coma or that he passed out. They think he was okay, got married eventually and moved to France. I don't know what evidence they had for this...
Rachel: They found an old mailbox in France that says "Christ" on it
Kevin: Haha yeah, "Mr. Christ"
Rachel: Or, "The Christ Family"
--------------------
tomato hazing: that reminds me, what were we saying, oh, the christ family thing
tomato hazing: i was watching conan tonight
tomato hazing: and he had the "live via sattelite" thing, and bush comes on,
tomato hazing: and he's like "we have to remember what christmas is all about: the birth of the little boy jesus, who was born to save all our sins"
tomato hazing: and conan goes "no, jesus died to save our sins"
tomato hazing: and he's liek "........... jesus is dead?"
tomato hazing: "oh, this is terrible news. my prayers are with his wife and children."
Rachels storm: hahahaha oh man
tomato hazing: and the guy starts laughing, while he's trying to say "and the entire christ family"
Rachels storm: i love christ jokes
Rachels storm: hahaha wow i wish i would have seen that
Rachels storm: i probably would have died
--------------------
december 18, 2002
BOOOOORED. And SLEEEEPY.
Tonight, I decided I have to work on the next apron. Get it done by tomorrow afternoon at the latest. Then I'll have four of them done... well, almost done. I have to resize them and save them on zip disks. But yeah. I hope I did them right :\
Well crikey. I just left Michelle a message on the IM, and she must have gotten kicked off or something cause she's offline now. Damn. And last night, I was trying to talk to Chris and he had to reboot and never came back. I seem to be cursing people's computers. I'm terribly sorry.
AUDREY HEPBURN! Jesus H. Christ.
So this morning, I woke up to "Win Ben Stein's Money" and they asked the question, "Who starred as Eliza Doolittle in "My Fair Lady"? The contestant guessed Elizabeth Taylor, but that was wrong. And as it usually happens, they did not reveal the correct answer. So it's been bugging me ALL day. I knew that I knew who it was, but I couldn't think of her name. I kept thinking of Katherine Hepburn but I knew that wasn't right. It's AUDREY Hepburn. Not Katherine. Fuck.
I'm kind of hungry. I guess I can have one of my snacks. I only have like an hour left, so that's good. I think a bathroom break may also be necessary before I leave.
1 hours = 60 minutes = 3600 seconds.
That's not really a lot of seconds, if you think about it.
1
2
3
And you know, if there are 3600 seconds in an hour, that means there are 3600 x 24 seconds in a day, which is... 86,400.
120
121
122
123
124
I knew it was something like that, because in a Les Savy Fav song, they say "Can you feel it slip away, 80,000 every day". They're close.
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
I used to count down seconds when I was waiting for stuff. Or count up, if I didn't know how much time the waiting would take. Like waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store. It just helps pass the time, you know?
249
250
251
252
253
254
255
I don't remember how high I ever got. But I wonder, if doing that maybe helped me be good with numbers? I mean, I've always been good in math. And I have this uncanny ability to remember phone numbers, even ones I haven't used in a long time.
314
315
316
317
318
319
320
321
322
597-5168
326
327
328
329
388-1824
333
334
335
336
337
338
339
387-8841
342
343
344
Yeah.
349
350
351
352
Okay, I think that's enough of that. Here's to.. umm.. trying not to be bored.
Hahaha... sorry, I never post quiz things in here, I know-- but I thought this was cute.
I'm proud.
Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Here's another Marge Piercy poem I particularly like..
There is no known way to tickle a clam
You say, things are getting better between us.
You shout that over your shoulder
as you race down an Up escalator
and out through a subway tunnel.
A train head on would scare you less than I
as I circle waving handkerchiefs and daisies.
You draw up your knees and turn clam.
You think I want to steal your soggy pearls.
Snap: you snip off my finger.
Do you think you could be eaten
whole? In parts? For breakfast?
You cannot remember who I am: fragments
break off and float loose
like something rotting under water.
Slimecold suspicion pumping through
washes the slight web of affection away like waste.
Your shell builds involution upon involution
and you are closing down outer chambers of your mind.
Total defense
implies a dream of total surrender
but my hands are not tools for opening shells
and it was never my intention
to consume you.
december 17, 2002
I don't want to be here like this. Thinking, staring at the clock; then thinking some more. I don't want to think. There's nothing that can be resolved by forcing myself to turn over every detail in my mind again and again.
I'm so tired, and I just want to lay my head down on this desk and pretend no one is here. That's almost true. There aren't many people here. I want to be at home. I want to be somewhere comfortable and solitary. I want to know what to say and how to act. I want to know, what I'm doing wrong?
I didn't want to leave home in the first place. I wanted to stay there and just wallow in how pitiful I am, but I couldn't. I had to work. I'm lucky I didn't get in an accident on the way.
I'm slowly falling asleep here, and it's sad and I don't want to sleep here. I want to be home. Or out somewhere. Just not here.
I want to be at a restaurant saying things like "Life sucks; I want to die; I hate everything; I'm such a shitty human being; There's no reason to live"
All things I don't really believe but I feel like I'm supposed to say them when I feel like this, so I say them. Thinking that people will pick up that I'm upset or sad or depressed or angry, because of what I say. But, then there's another problem. People think I mean all those things. They look to fix the specific thing I mentioned, or address the specific thing I mentioned, because they think it's the root of my problem. "There's nothing wrong with you; Sure there are reasons to live; Thanks, you mean I don't make you want to live?;" If I didn't mean it in the first place, how is THAT going to help me?
So some people would say I shouldn't say the things I don't mean. But, how am I supposed to let people know how I feel without being a conceited ass about it? "Hey, I'm upset, comfort me". Yeah, that's real nice. As if my being upset is enough of a concern for them. They have their own problems, after all. Not that I think that way about them. Of course I'm concerned about other people. Even if I do have my own problems. Though, that sounds conceited doesn't it? I don't mean it that way. I'm justing talking out loud, although typing more than talking. I guess it's just that sometimes I get a little tired from a lot of people putting things on to me, and having few people that I can talk to about things that bother me, I get backed up with all this stress and tension.
I just feel like crying right now. But I can't. I'm at work goddammit. Nothing can be wrong with me, because I have a job to do. Not much of one at the moment, but a job nonetheless.
I wish though, that I could just run out to my car and burst into tears. That I could drive home. Or drive anywhere besides here and just exist and sit.
But no. I have an hour and a half left of work. I could read, but I really don't feel like it. So I sit.
It's 8pm. Hm. No, I doubt it. Not with the way things were earlier. He probably doesn't want to see me. I can't blame him, I'm not much fun right now. In fact, I'm not any fun, I'm a complete downer. Huh. Yeah, I suck. How nice.
Well, I think this is going to be it for a little while. I don't know how much more I have to say, really. I mean I want to sit here and type and type and talk about tons of stuff. But I just don't know what anyone would be interested in. None of it seems interesting to me, it's all a bunch of bullshit and boring stories. Nothing that funny or interesting ever happens to me, you have to realize that. It's been a while since good interesting things happened to me. These days, it's mostly bad or complicated. Except for certain things with Kevin.
It's either, worrying about school.. wondering how my Uncle is doing and if he's going to pull through this cancer thing... hoping my Dad can get a new job quickly so my family will be alright financially... worrying about my own financial problems... driving related stress.. wondering why Peggy seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth... trying to figure out what I'm going to do after I get my Bachelor's degree.. wondering where I should live (because I don't really care, and I'm also wondering if I should care)... chiding myself for not doing anything with my music yet over winter break.. feeling stupid for being so inefficient at certain things... feeling bland for not doing anything artistic at all in a while... being in various physical pain and wondering if I won't wake up tomorrow because there's something terribly wrong with me and I just never knew.... Fuck. I don't even know if that's all. I just know I feel like I should stop. In fact, I know that's not it, there's a couple more things, but I don't want to start up with that again because I don't think I could stop.
I guess the appropriate response for you to give would be, "Welcome to being an adult. Join the club." and other cliched sayings like those.
Yeah, I guess.
I hate today. Today is terrible.
I think it's partially due to the fact that I went clothes shopping yesterday. That was a bad idea. You have to stare at yourself in the mirror too much and all that kind of starts to wear me down.
But yeah. I should feel great, all showered and clean, I have a couple new pieces of clothing, etc. But no. I feel terrible. I've felt terrible all day.
So on the way here, I was driving, upset, thinking all those sorts of terrible thoughts about myself. And it's not a good idea to be in that state of mind while in a car, cause it's just too damn easy to kill yourself. Well, I didn't kill myself (obviously). But something kind of strange happened. At one point, I kind of just... shut off.
Well, my brain didn't shut off, because it was keeping me driving and conscious and all that. But.. it was like, my emotions got completely shut off. And parts of my face felt kind of numb and immobile. The only parts I would/could move were my eyes and my lips/tongue. The rest of my body may or may not have been numb, but I obviously had to have my right leg and arms working. It was just weird. I felt very.. out of it. No emotion, no pain. Like a fucking robot. Hypnotized almost. I'd call it highway hypnosis, but I've had that happen to me before and this wasn't that. This was like, complete emotional disconnection from everything. I was pretty expressionless and motionless.
I think, maybe it was my subconscious way of preventing myself from driving off the road. Or preventing myself from getting so upset and crying so much that I couldn't see. Who knows. It's just a theory. Even if it wasn't anything, or if I'm completely wrong about everything I've said, it still was weird.
Anyhow. Christmas with the Auriches in.. 5 days. Christmas with my family in.. 7 days. Christmas with Kevin... I have no clue.
I have to send Kari's gift out tomorrow. It is all ready, I just have to go to the post office tomorrow and get it all sent out.
I haven't heard from Peggy in a long time, so I'm going to assume she just is too wrapped up in things to talk to me, or that she doesn't care to talk to me. Either way.
I'd say, "Who's job is it to cheer me up today?" but it shouldn't be anyone's job. It's my responsibility. I'll get over it eventually. I actually had a good run of not being overcritical and generally mean to myself. Oh well.
So yuck. I'm working on aprons and Christmas presents tonight.
december 16, 2002
Weezer autographed Green Album auction link
Since my weather-induced headache is starting to subside, I decided to stay online a few minutes longer, and to do one of those annoying posts where I tell you stuff about me in survey format. I know it's not very interesting or intellectual, but screw it. I've been in pain for the past couple hours and I like doing these things. It makes me feel like someone cares to know these details about me.
[ series 1 - you ]
{x} Name: Rachel
{x} Birthdate: September 19, 1982
{x} Birthplace: Oak Lawn, IL
{x} Current Location: Alsip, IL (home); Naperville, IL (school)
{x} Eye Color: blue or green, depends on who you ask.
{x} Hair Color: red, black and dark blonde at the moment (
{x} Right or Left-handed: Left handed mostly. Interesting fact about me, though. I can semi-write with my right hand, semi-draw with it, I'm a switch hitter (a pitcher's nightmare) and I kick and throw with my right hand. And I wear my watch on my left wrist. I used to play badminton and ping pong with both hands, switching off, but being on the badminton team freshman year of high school, they forced me to choose a hand. So I picked left.
{x} Zodiac Sign: Virgo Sun, Virgo Rising, Libra Moon (Don't know what all that means? Ask me or look it up.)
{x} Innie or Outtie: Innie.
[ series 2 - your favorite ]
{x}Music: Classic rock, some Grunge, Indie Rock, Indie-Pop, things with Folk/Country leanings, Singer-Songwriters who have great lyrics, Riot grrl, little bit of metal (as in, My Ruin), some Punk (older stuff), some Soul/Funk (a la James Brown), Dancey synthy music (think, The Faint or !!!), Post-punk.
{x}Cartoon: The Simpsons
{x}Colour: Blue and black
{x}Slurpee Flavor: I don't really drink Slurpees..
{x}Magazine: I don't particularly like magazines in general, but Devil in the Woods is neat, I learn about new bands from them and they give me 7"s. I occasionally buy music magazines and computer magazines, though.
{x}TV Show: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Third Rock, The Cosby Show. There's probably a couple more, but those are three favorites.
{x}Song: Yikes. I have many. Right now, I like Elliot Smith - Waltz #2, Dismemberment Plan - Manipulate Me, Le Tigre - Eau D'Bedroom Dancing, Liz Janes - Proposition, Nirvana - Where Did You Sleep Last Night? (cover), TMBG - Birdhouse in Your Soul, Refused - New Noise, The Faint - Total Job / The Passives. I could go on like this for a while..
{x}Language: French. Sure I'm not fluent in it, but I still like it better than English.
{x}Food: Fettucinni Alfredo with Chicken and Broccoli. Mmmmmm. And that cheescake at Daniel's with the caramel... ohh so good.
{x}Beverage: right now,.. hm. Coke, Coffee and Mike's Hard Lemonade. That changes once in a while. Well, at least the soda one does. Not the coffee and Hard Lemonade. That's constant.
{x}Subject in School: Uh.. whichever one you do the least work in. That's what I like. Right now, I guess my favorite subject is Computer Science. But that changes depending on how my classes go each term.
{x}Ice Cream Flavor: That chocolate vanilla twist soft serve at the Frosted Mug. Ohhh yeah. Otherwise, I guess the type with pieces of brownies in it. Yum.
{x}Roller Coaster: Batman. I know it's short, but I like feeling like I'm flying. Otherwise, I guessss.. I don't know. I'm not much of a roller coaster person. Viper is okay I guess.
[ series 3 - what is ]
{x}The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Hair or clothes. And if they wear glasses. That's not just the opposite sex though, I do that for everyone.
{x}The Best Name for a Butler: Tim Curry. Or Jamesir Bensonmum. (Please tell me SOMEONE got that..)
{x}The wussiest sport: football. Haha.
{x}Your best feature: Physical, or otherwise? I would say my thick hair, even though I hate it sometimes. But I don't like to talk about my physical features. Like what am I going to say, "MY ASS"? No. Best otherwise feature, uhh.. my laidback/tolerant nature. Unless you cut me off in traffic. Then I'm going to kill you.
{x}Your bedtime: Gee, what is it now, 2am? Yeah.
{x}Your greatest fear: Death. Snakes, Spiders and people breaking into my house follow a close second to that one. Falling is next.
{x}Your greatest accomplishment: Being on the Bozo show? I mean.. well, I guess getting this art department job. Or, all the times I won spelling bees when I was younger. OH! I know. My greatest accomplishment thus far: 1st place (individual) at this math competition back in junior high. I think it was at Mother McAuley. Yes. I won. I kicked everyone's ass.
{x}Your most missed memory: I think I have a couple. Childhood innocence and freedom in general. Sitting at the Naperville 5th Avenue station with Kevin like the day after we started going out. Being out with Sara the summer between junior and senior year.
[ series 5 - do/did you ]
{x}Take a shower everyday?: No, I'm a scumbag. Haha. I take them when I need them, don't worry.
{x}Do you think you've been in love?: Yes. And it's "I am" not "I've been".
{x}Like high school?: Are you kidding me? Look who you're talking to! You know how some people, they say they hated high school, but that on the last day, when they graduated, that they felt like they would really miss it? That they DID miss it? Fuck that. Graduation day, I considered that. I asked myself if I felt like I was going to miss it all. Then I looked around me, noting how just like always, everyone was ignoring me, no one really cared that they wouldn't see me again. I was like "Goddamn, can we get rolling here? I wanna leave NOW" and I graduated, and I left, and I really realy really would never want to do all that again. It was terrible. I didn't want to go to that high school, I wanted to go to one for "Individual Achievement". I wanted to get away from the people I'd known since grade school. But NOOO. It WAS terrible. I have that same feeling like most people, like they want to show up all those idiots they went to school with, and really become something. They want to make them all think, "Wow, that person is really doing great. Wow. I wish I had been nicer to them in high school". Maybe that's wrong, stupid, whatever. But I want to do it.
{x}Want to get married: Ehh kind of. Not for the religious stuff. Not really for the symbolic stuff. Mostly for the reception. I'm a weird one. I just want to celebrate being that in love with someone with my family and friends.
{x}Type with your fingers on the right keys?: You know it, baby. I type 80+ words a minute. If that doesn't turn you on, I don't know what will.
{x}Believe in yourself?: currently, I'm undecided. Let's say, somewhat.
{x}Have any tattoos/where?: not yet..
{x}Have any piercings/where?: ears pierced, cartilage pierced (did it myself too. Rrrrrow.)
{x}Get motion sickness?: only if I'm reading while in the car.
{x}Like thunderstorms?: Ooooh yeah. I love them. They're great.
[ series 6 - the future ]
{x}Age you hope to be married: I don't know, don't ask me things like that.
{x}Numbers and Names of Children: Uhhhh... I don't go in for obsessive planning. If you want me to guess, I'll say 1 or 2. But names?? I don't know!
{x}Where do you see yourself at age 40?: Rich and or famous. Oh wait, that's just a dream. Okay, well, probably living in a house with someone and a kid / pet.
{x}Describe your Dream Wedding: I hate our stupid brainwashing culture. FUCK OFF WITH THE WEDDING CRAP. IT'S DUMB AND POINTLESS.
{x}How do you want to die?: I don't. Sorry, too afraid. Although I guess I'd hope it was in my sleep.. WHEN I'M OLD THOUGH. Not now. I don't want to die like, tonight.
{x}What do you want to be when you grow up?: Everything. I want to be a Renaissance woman. A musician, a writer, a therapist, a programmer, a web designer, a librarian, an artist, a promoter,.. yeah.
{x}What country would you most like to visit?: France, Switzerland and England. France the most, I suppose.
[ series 7 - Opposite sex ]
{x}Best eye color?: Uh, any? Though I guess I have a particular thing for brown... for a particular reason..
{x}Best hair color?: As long as its darkish, I'm cool with it. I've never really liked blonde hair on guys. Brown or Black or dark anything is good though.
{x}Short or long hair?: Mmm... short, but long. Like... not super short, not super long. Just.. short, but with longish pieces. You get it?
{x}Best height?: Hey, I have no height preference. I can honestly say that.
{x}Best articles of clothing?: um.. what? I think this is a stupid question gearing towards some kind of sexual and set-up answer.
{x}Best first date location?: I.. don't know. Somewhere you can talk, I suppose.
{x}Best first kiss location?: The top bunk in Kevin's room freshman year. Hahaha. Sorry. I don't really have another answer for this, that's why I said that.
[ series 8 - other ]
{x}When's the last time you slept with a stuffed animal?: I have no clue.
{x}How many houses have you lived in?: 1
{x}How many relationships have you had?: 1
{x}What's the longest relationship you've ever had?: 2 years
{x}How many schools have you gone to?: 4
{x}What color is your bedroom carpet?: An awesome shade of brightish red.
{x}Would you shave your head for $5000 dollars?: Um... hm. I.. don't know. That's tough. Probably not.
{x}What was the best time of your life so far?: I don't really know, there's a bunch, but earlier today, when I was in Sara's car and I was having so much trouble manipulating the seat.. yeah, that was pretty hilarious. I'll tell the story. I was trying to reach a hat in the backseat, but couldn't with the chair all the way up. So, I reclined it, but it's fucked up so instead of a smooth movement, it all of a sudden flew back, and me with it. So here I am, completely horizontal, laughing at how funny I must have looked. I get the hat. Then, I try to sit up... problem. The seat belt is also fucked up, and locks on you and you have to let it go all the way in before you can pull it out again. So I'm lying down, trying to sit up AND get the belt to go back out again. I unbuckle the damn thing finally, then try to get the seat to be straight again (also very hard to do). Then I finally get the belt to come all the way out. During all this, keep in mind I was laughing my ass off. It was very very funny.
{x} Fallen for your best friend? Hahahahaha. Sorry Sara, but you're just not my type ;) I've had crushes on friends before though. Guy friends. Or guy acquaintances. Most of them never knew though.
{x} Made out with JUST a friend? Noooo.
{x} Been rejected? Yes.
{x} Been in love? Uh.. hello, I answered that.
{x} Had a "one night stand"? Nope. Never.
{x} Used someone? I don't think so. At least if I ever did, it was never intentionally.
{x} Been used? Eh, probably.
{x} Cheated on someone? No.
{x} Been cheated on? No.
{x} Done something you regret? Yeah, I think I can say that. I don't want to talk about the couple of things I did that I wouldn't have done though. They're all kind of painful, especially one because I realize how bad of a person I am for having done it.
{x} Had sex? ;D
Have you/are you/do you....
{x} Considered a life of crime? I probably have. I think I actually did live a life of crime from the ages of 7 - 17. It's sad.
{x} Considered being a hooker? No, I can't say that I have.
{x} Considered being a pimp? I think I actually was a pimp from the ages of 7 - 17...
{x} Are you psycho? Well, yeah.
{x} Split personalities? No
{x} Schizophrenic? No
{x} Obsessive? I can be, but I think I'm pretty good about it now. It was more when I was younger.
{x} Panic? Not too often. Nothing serious.
{x} Anxiety? I probably have about 500 ulcers in my stomach. Did I answer your question? No? YES I LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF ANXIETY! Well, maybe not constant, but yeah I tend to get anxious quickly and it affects me physically.
{x} Depressed? Normal amount of depression I guess, but I have a tendency to get really deep into it at the midpoint.
{x} Suicidal? Actually, no. Never. Too afraid of dying.
{x} Obsessed with hate? No
{x} Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? Do you mean, literally dream.. or do you mean I want to kill people? Because yes, when I was younger, I literally had very graphic and scary dreams. And, yes, I do want to kill most people. Ha.
{x} Understanding: Yeah, I try to be
{x} Open-minded: Yep
{x} Arrogant: Maybe a tiny bit, but I don't have enough self confidence / self esteem to be.
{x} Insecure: yeaaah kind of
{x} Interesting: I hope so
{x} Hungry: Nope, I'm good.
{x} Friendly: depends on my mood and who you are.
{x} Smart: I think generally, yes, but I'm also very absentminded and like everyone else, I have brain freeze from time to time.
{x} Moody: Yeaah I can be
{x} Childish: Sometimes, I guess
{x} Independent: I try to be
{x} Hard working: Yeah, I actually have always had a good work ethic.
{x} Organized: Ohhh no. I try, but it never happens.
{x} Healthy: Not particularly.
{x} Emotionally Stable: Mmm I'm not UNSTABLE so yeah, I guess so
{x} Shy: Yeaaaah...
{x} Difficult: Sometimes.
{x} Attractive: Uh.. you tell me?
{x} Bored Easily: I guess so
{x} Thirsty: Very
{x} Responsible: I try to be
{x} Sad: not really, right now
{x} Happy: not really, right now
{x} Trusting: yeah I'm pretty trusting
{x} Talkative: If I know you well, I'll talk every extremity off your body.
{x} Original: Sometimes
{x} Different: That's the polite term for being a freak. And yes, I am. Haha.
{x} Unique: In some things, I guess.
{x} Lonely: Sometimes.
{x} Colour your hair? Yep.
{x} Own a webcam? Not yet.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that. And now, I have to pee. Goodnight.
For anyone who reads this, and likes Weezer, I'm selling my copy of the Green Album on Ebay. But it's a special copy. Because the cover was signed by the band, at this show I went to like.. last year. The CD is in good condition, I only listened to it once or twice. And I'd like to sell it to someone who'd appreciate it more. So, yeah. I'll post the link once it's actually up and live, but I'm writing this now for people who see it tomorrow or something.
Rock.
december 14, 2002
So hey! I have plans.
Today, I'm going to try and do nothing. I mean, with people. I want to get some more work done, do some Christmas preparation, etc. Maybe I'll have time to go to a couple stores.
I read in Michael's journal that his album is almost done. Awesome.
I listened to my Refused album on the way to work this morning. I found it. And all is right with the world.
That album, the Shape of Punk to Come is one of my favorite albums of all time. It's just... so good. It's punk-y, but indie, but really really good. Lots of screaming. YES.
Tomorrow Sara and I are hanging out. There's some bead show she wants to go to, and then we're hitting up the zoo. That reminds me, I need to get money today before I go home. Anyhow, it should be a fun day. My day off. Yeah, break is going by pretty slowly, it's a little annoying.
december 13, 2002
Uh.. Nevermind :D And I don't mean the Nirvana album.
When I'm tired, weird things happen.
Which reminds me, I'm super tired right now and should be in bed cause I wanna get up kinda early tomorrow to get gas / do Christmas things before work. Which, I only work for an hour and half tomorrow. ROCK.
I'm hungry now. Crap.
My mom bought more alcohol today. I'm so happy. My parents really are cool. I'll never say that again, or admit to ever saying it, but they are.
Ruby, stop making me reminisce about ska. It's making me listen to my old CDs and this is terrible.
december 12, 2002
[PUNCH the fucking wall]
[PUNCH it again]
[PUNCH it HIT it until the hole's huge and my hand is broken]
[PUNCH the fucking wall]
What's good enough for my father is good enough for me.
[So I PUNCH and PUNCH and PUNCH]
Cause right now I feel like I could never sleep.
Putting your hand through a wall isn't something you do cause you're mad at someone else. You do it when you're angry with yourself, frustrated with yourself, disappointed in yourself.
God damn it. Self-restraint, why can I not cast thee off?
"And I break, break; break once more --
Tiny pieces of flesh and still steaming blood
Cover the cold tile floor.
It's my final piece, unseen and unframed--
My last collage, given up in vain."
Haha, my hits have dipped to an average of 2 a day! WOO! I SUCK! NO ONE READS MY JOURNAL!
I don't know how much I care. I was thinking of a redesign though. Like always.
I really should convert industrialbeauty into something more... useful. I don't do anything with it. I don't know if it's that I'm sick of it in general, or just the format of it has gone wrong. Maybe I need to try something else. Something more like a writing portfolio. Just something different. I don't like how impersonal and stupid it's gotten. And... dry. Desert-like even. Remember that Simpson's episode where Homer made a webpage and there was a tumbleweed rolling by when no one was visiting his site? Yeah, that's my site. Whoo.
Okay. That's what I'll do at work tomorrow. Think about website things. And play Freecell. Haha.
We have a new person-in-charge (student coordinator, not ASC, sorry...) and she's encouraging me to bring in my CDs, since they put a boombox next to us at the desk... it's supposed to be for christmas music. Oh well to that! Haha but no, I won't play anything loudly, if anything at all.
FUCK. Okay, so.. I don't know what to tell you. I have a lot of things to do. I have work, and Christmas presents, and... sleep? Sure. And lunches and coffee and going out way too late at night.
Sigh.
december 11, 2002
Goodnight, i love you, talk to you tomorrow.
Hmm. Let's see. Only 2... That won't do it. If it didn't do it that one night where we had tons, it won't do it now.
But maybe I can forget about all the work I have to do tomorrow for about 5 minutes if I drink the rest of it really fast.
ONLY BUZZED, WHY CAN'T I GET MIND-ERASINGLY DRUNK?? AAHHH!
Now I'm just tired. Blech. I'm going to bed. Because, there's no reason for me to be online anymore. It's gone. FUCK. Yeah, whatever, bed. GOING. Now.
december 10, 2002
Kari did it, now I am too. Because.. I don't really have anything to report from this weekend. Last night I had two drinks and started telling someone I recently met online about my obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I stopped, though. I think that's a little too much information too soon. Some people aren't comfortable with my.. less normal interests. Yeah.
Anyhow, here you go. Like you care... but maybe you'll learn something new.
What band.....
*Reminds you of an ex-lover: I... Hm. I don't think I can answer this question without a complicated, long entry. Let's go with ex-crush that I now hate... Social Distortion. Will never listen to them again, now.
*Reminds you of an ex-friend: The people I associate bands with aren't necessarily "ex-friends" as much as I just don't really talk to them anymore. So, one such band is The Aquabats. And, They Might Be Giants. She got me into them both. And gave me rides to school senior year. Nice girl. I don't know why we don't really talk.
*Makes you cry: White Stripes. They're amazing, but their lyrics make me cry. Veruca Salt to an extent too. Sniff.
*Makes you laugh: I.. don't know. Anything bad?
*Makes you smile: They Might Be Giants. Definitely. Especially "Birdhouse in Your Soul". :D But also, pretty much any of my favorite bands make me smile.
*You never want to hear again: Sheesh, shall I make a list? I NEVER want to hear POD again. I never want to hear Blink 182 again. I... there's way too many. There's too much shit out there. I think my head's going to explode coming up with this list.
*Sums up your teenage years: Hm. My teenage years are a little too dramatic and varied to really sum up in one band. I'd probably say something like Veruca Salt, though not really... wow, this is hard to answer. I will NOT say Reel Big Fish, as much as it might be true... I don't know. ACK.
*You want to get married to: Uhh.. what? Pass.
*You like to wake up to: Nickelodeon. Oh, wait we're talking about bands... Umm... I don't wake up to CDs anymore. But, I guess I'd say.. something poppy. Beulah maybe. Well, depending on my mood. Poppy Beulah if I slept a good amount, dark grrlish metal My Ruin if I'm tired and pissed off.
Oh hey, here's a good song to wake up to: Rainer Maria, Tinfoil. The song itself isn't how I feel in the morning, just the first word:
GODDAMMIT!
*You like out of your parents record collection: Fleetwood Mac, CCR, Janis Joplin, Blondie.
*You love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend: TMBG!!
*Makes you think of someone who died: I don't think I have one of those. I haven't experienced a lot of death in my life, at least not a lot that were close to me.
*You love the video more than the tune: I don't know. I've seen many videos in my day. My brain is being overloaded with imagery.
*Reminds you of your first crush love: Hell, I was in kindergarten, I don't fucking know.
*Reminds you of your now crush love: White Stripes / Veruca Salt for content. Talking Heads and Elvis Costello for association. Anything on that tape he made me for nostalgia.
*Makes you think of sex: OHHH I don't know enough about the band to say this, because I just heard of them like 2 minutes ago, but this song I have... holy shit. Yes. I love it. It's this band, Calexico.
*Makes you think of being alone: The White Stripes / Veruca Salt. Yikes, I'm seeing a pattern. Also, Fiona Apple. And L7.
*Has only been released recently but you love already: Um, I don't know? I haven't bought anything really new in a while. Maybe, the Black Heart Procession, but I'm loving it on the basis that Liz Janes does backup vocals on their new album. Haha. I'm terrible.
*Are you embarrassed to admit you like: Erm.. I hate to admit it, but I did like one No Doubt song. That "Hella Good" one. And I like this one Leona Ness song I have, though it's not really something I'd normally like.
*Perks you up: CCR. !!!. The Faint. Le Tigre. Talking Heads. Peter Gabriel. Manda and the Marbles. I know, that's an odd, obscure, unknown band thrown in with good ones, but.. I can't help it. I like it. So sue me. :x
*Do you love to sing: Uh, anything. Really. Let's make a list: Veruca Salt, Fiona Apple, White Stripes, My Ruin, Le Tigre, Two Ton Boa, TMBG, Talking Heads, Mates of State, Beulah, Manda and the Marbles, Rainer Maria, Modest Mouse, Sleater Kinney, Liz Janes, The Faint, CCR, things on the radio,.. anything. ANYTHING. That's just what I do when I listen to music, if I can.
*Is your favorite to see live: LES SAVY FAV. Wow. Great. TMBG is fantastic too. I just had a violent shiver. I think I'm done now. I need sleep.
GOODNIGHT!
december 6, 2002
I don't wanna eat this carrot cake I paid 70 cents for in Goldspohn. But I have to. Because.. otherwise I won't.
Holy shit, have you heard this song by The Dismemberment Plan called "Manipulate Me"?
Damn, you are missing out. Oh my freaking god.
MANIPULATE ME OH YEAH COME ON!!
He really fucking screams in it. It's fantastic. Not the whole song long, mind you, but in key areas that really make it sound wonderful.
I also am obsessed with this song by Elliot Smith called "Waltz #2". It's sooo good. So good.
BLECH! Oh god, I couldn't finish it. That was disgusting.
I don't know why, but I have irrepressible desire to eat carrot cake. Not just today, I mean at any point in time. I see carrot cake, I'm like "Oh hey carrot cake, I want some". I don't particularly LIKE it. I think I just want to. It's gross, and has nuts in it. I don't eat things with nuts in them. But I have this strange compulsion to eat carrot cake. Ew.
So okay, tomorrow I only work for an hour and a half. YES! Cause we close early. Hanni (the ASC / Gal in charge) won't be there. That's too bad. I wonder who's going to be in charge then? Hm. Not me. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing half the time.
It'll be a nice break from the 4 and half hour shifts I've been pulling. Sorry Aaron, I know you work 8 hours a day there, but you DID apply for the full time position. I applied for the part time. We each get to whine a little bit.
But Saturday, it'll be a 6 hour day. 6 hours at that goddamn desk. What am I going to do? I have no idea. Read. Play solitaire. Do a couple more pillows. Maybe write, if the urge strikes me.
AHAHAH. I love Get Fuzzy. Everyone should read that comic strip. It's just priceless. Let me give you a script of today's script. There's no need to explain the story in depth, basically the cat (Bucky) is enacting some sort of Lord of the Rings situation with another cat, substituting Bucky's collar for the ring. The other cat is getting rid of it for him, and Rob (the owner) caught them. Hilarity ensues.
Bucky: I dont' see what's so funny about the idea of me in the Lord of the Rings. I am quite mighty.
Rob: Lord of the Rings?! HA HA! Dude, you're not Lord of the FRIDGE!
Satchel (Dog): I could have been someone's, um, dog in that movie!
Bucky: See, I envision myself playing Strider, the king.
Rob: That's funny. I envision the actor who plays Strider punting you off the set.
Satchel: That should TOTALLY be in the movie!
That may not seem as funny to you as it does to me, but Satchel has the BEST lines. I'd have to get my books out to quote you some of the best, as my memory doesn't do them justice.
Aw shit, this wine cooler is kicking in. I may have said this before, but when I drink, I don't get drunk so much as I get tired. Very tired. Sleepy even.
I totally gotta go to bed.
Tomorrow, Kevin's going to St. Louis for the weekend. I won't see him til Tuesday. Sigh. But that's cool that he's getting to go somewhere, I'm sure he'll have fun. He's going to stalk John Goodman. Hehe. Damn, I love spending time with him. I always have fun. Not John Goodman... though I'm sure he's fun, but I was talking about Kevin. Anyhow.
Uh, yeah. Sleep. I have things to do tomorrow morning. Like showering. Seriously. And banking. Now that I know where a Regency is near my house. Even though it's in Merrionette Park, but that's fine.
Less than 10 minutes away. Cool with me.
AUGGGGH SLEEEEEEP.
december 4, 2002
Sorry about last night's post, I was in a bit of a mood.
All day I was talking to people about important, emotional things, and maybe it just got to me. Or maybe it was the knowledge that today, like every day since I started work, I will get nothing done and will do absolutely nothing afterwards. Until about midnight, when my parents are asleep. And my dog is driving me crazy, and I don't think that shampoo is helping my dry scalp, and I haven't written any music, or even played any music since I got home, and I fucking hate all this. These are the reasons I didn't want to come home. I knew it would suck. There are good parts, but it sucks too.
And that is why I write crazy things.
AUUGGGGH!
Blurry eyes and thumping heart
No clue where I should start
Don't dial 911, baby
They can't save me.
Putting the Kleenex kids through college
With various drippings and liquids
Don't question the dirty money you get
Don't worry what poor soul is keeping you fed
Keeping secrets in a hope chest
Mirror out the fraud I am
Come to me with your problems,
Only a fucking nut can solve them.
Must have self-medication
Take away my precious oxygen
Far far away, that I might never taste a drop
Other chemicals must fill this empty spot.
Hello, my name is Rachel
And I am an addict.
Yeah, I know I haven't really written much. Whatever. Writing paragraphs can never tell enough anyhow, all I feel like doing is writing really bad poetry and quoting lyrics and all that shit. All that fucking goddamn no good shit.
I'm never gonna know you now, but I'm gonna love you anyhow.
I can't believe how good that song is, to be honest. It's amazing.
BACK TO MINIPUNCHING THE KEYBOARD FOR ANOTHER HOUR OR SO HA HA CAUSE WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I GOING TO DO? SLEEP?? WHAAAT????????? YOU FUCKING IDIOT I DON'T SLEEP. I JUST FOOL MYSELF FOR APPROXIMATELY 9 HOURS THAT I'M NOT IN THIS REALITY FOR JUST A LITTLE WHILE. WE ALL DO.
But fuck it, I'm sure I'll sleep again just like always. And then go to work, having done NOTHING. Then sit there and do NOTHING for four and a half hours, then drive home and be exhausted and have somebody else ask me to go out after midnight.
I'm hurting. Like, for real I mean. My stomach and back are killing me. AH FUCK. fuck shit fuck. I hate me. I'm so fucked up inside. FUCK!!! I wanna go outside and fucking scream and wake up all the goddamn neighbors and just scream obscenities out at the snow and the sky and the trees and the houses and just fucking die in the ice and snow after I've screamed so much my guts just fly out my mouth. Whee. Then they won't hurt anymore. I really should stop staying up so late, my head always gets so complicated and weird after about 1am.
Sigh. I'll be fine tomorrow, I always am. I have to be.
I'm fine though, really. Please, no one bother worrying about me. Nothing to worry about. My mother does enough for all of you. Er, the couple of you. Whatever. WHATEVER. BED>
december 1, 2002
A short note..
Tomorrow I start working again, for the span of 3 weeks. Should be interesting, working at night. Hey, at least I'll have something to do between the time I wake up and the time Sara ever calls me. Ha.
CCR sounds wonderful on the record player.
Somebody remind me I have two things to tell/ask Sara.
Why am I TIRED when I woke up at like 2pm today? I guess I need coffee. But I'd probably have to go get it myself. Blech. Unless someone calls me really soon and asks if I want to get some with them, but the odds of that happening are slim. I'm not going out late tonight because 1) I'm sure my parents are sick of it 2) They have to get up early tomorrow 3) I have to get up by 2:30pm and not be sadly, patheticly groggy. I will also most likely shower when I get up, and that means I'd have to get up by 1:30. With my record lately, this is a feat.
Okay, well that's about it. I'm gonna go... find something else to do. I don't really know.
You know what's sick? My aunt and cousin both asked me for a Christmas list on Thanksgiving. It's just sad that no one can enjoy Thanksgiving without worrying about Christmas. Granted, some people have a lot of shopping to do. But come on, that's just nuts.
I also now have my own personal Christmas tree in my room. It's perdy. I like it. $15, and it came with its own lights. Yay.
I bought some vinyl today. The Knack, The Kinks, CCR and Peter Gabriel. I can't wait to try out the CCR tomorrow. It's going to sound so wonderful coming out of a record player. CDs are nice, but some things are just meant to be played on less advanced machines.
Kari mentioned wanting to send a Xmas gift to a "Rachel" in her journal. I'm hesitant to assume it's me, because that's 1) conceited and 2) possibly wrong. If it is, I'd be so freaking excited. And I'd immediately work on sending a reciprocal gift (because I was thinking about sending out a couple of gifts to online friends this year anyhow). I think I'd actually have a bunch of fun trying to figure out what to send her. Even though, well, I guess I don't know EXACTLY the things she likes, I have general ideas. But I can come up with a survey to determine certain likes and dislikes, like I did for Peggy once. It helps tremendously and even though I asked those questions, what I got for her was still a surprise. I made a little themed gift basket, with a blockbuster card, some popcorn, candy and cookies. It was cute.
Another gift I'm rather proud of is the one I made for Kevin's birthday. I basically created a Devo Bear. No joke. You know those yellow suits / goggles they wear in their Satisfaction video? Yeah, put a teddy bear in one of those. I will not reveal how I did it, but I'm rather proud of how it came out. When he finally saw it, Kevin really liked it. I couldn't believe I came up with such an original idea, but it just goes to show that if you think hard enough, you can come up with really good gifts.
I think tomorrow I'm going to start working on extended family gifts. I think I know what I'm doing this year to try and top last year's gift baskets that everyone loved. It will be similar, yet different. The main present will be different.
Oooh. I wonder if I should try to theme it...
Hmm. I'd have to really think about that, it'd be kinda hard.
I'm going to play some Virtual Pool before bed. It's 4 am. Haha. I suck.