The Lone Librarian

If the title "Lone Librarian" wasn't already taken, I think it would be a good alias for me. I often feel removed from others, in a category all my own. I spend a lot of time by myself. I seem to fit in with few people, and they usually end up living far away from me. Lone... it describes me very well.

I have my moments where I get really lonely and depressed that people don't take more of an interest in me. That I don't seem to fit in with their group of friends. But mostly I just find ways to entertain myself because that's what I'm used to. I've never been able to figure out why kids my age didn't seem to like me very much when I was younger, but they sort of pushed me to the outside and I've been there ever since. I guess as you get older, you just don't want to waste time caring so much.

My outsider feeling carries over into my career, as well. While the librarian community is certainly alive and kicking, I often can't put up with these communities (and some of these people) for very long. Not to give the wrong impression, I enjoy what I do and put in a lot of time, hard work and money in order to be able to do it. It was the career that was standing right under my nose while I was looking around at other options. "You mean people will pay me to do things I do naturally? Sweet!"

But I have an issue with other librarians. I have ones that I like of course, friends from past jobs and such. But there are many more that I have trouble standing. The ones who can't talk about anything but libraries. The ones who hate their jobs and are taking it out on the rest of us. The librarians who will jump on any new trend just because they can. Or the ones who will jump down your throat if you say something they don't like. And the ones who keep hoping against hope that their flux capacitor will finally work just this once so they can fly back to the libraries of the past and pretend they've never heard of computers or DVDs or Guitar Hero.

They all fight, they all make ridiculous arguments and they all drive me crazy. Yet I keep reading their web-vomit because I believe in professional development. That means reading news, reading blogs, keeping up to date and in the know. I just wish I didn't have to do so through these people.

I mean really. With all the naysayers out there predicting doom for libraries and hollering on about how irrelevant we are and that nobody uses us... with the perverts and the molesters and the crazies and the insults... do we really need to be such bitches to eachother? Yes, I said bitches. Like it or not, you're being bitches. So sayeth me who observeth from both in and out.

I wish it was just constructive debate. The hard truth is, much of it is all a bunch of bitchcraft. The trendy people hate the stubborn relics because they aren't keeping libraries fresh and changing for the 21st century and are creating a risk that libraries will cease to exist. The relics.... well they'd rather see libraries stop existing than watch them turn into the equivalent of a bookstore.

You're all a bunch of deeps, and it puts me off the entire profession just to hear it. I don't even want to call myself a librarian, what with the new and improved reputation you're building for us. Way to go!

We have some hard tasks ahead of us, and nobody is going to be ready to face them because everyone is bickering about how to do it. It's not going to be easy, but it is possible. I remember loving the library when I was a kid. I loved reading, I loved picking out new books for the week and did summer reading every year. Sure I was a dork, but it didn't just come from inside of me. It came from my parents, it came from a good library and it came from the world around me.

If you want to make libraries more relevant, if you want people to want books and literacy and education, you're going to have to *change the world*. There are people working at that everyday... are you so much better than them that you can't give it your best shot too? Because you have a Master's degree, the world should change itself to fit your expectations? Or are you not satisfied with what a library is, you feel you need to make it something else to fit into the world?

Well, even if I'm alone in this: I think the world is in serious need of a makeover and in my vision, it's wearing its reading glasses. All about the learnin', over here.

*Sigh* I swear, someday I'm going to become the Hermit Librarian. I'll answer reference questions through a tin can phone in a cabin out in the mountains. I'm liking this plan already...

The Unity in Community

Unlike those who have jumped on the latest social networking sites only in the last few years, I've been communicating socially with others on the internet for about 10 years. There are many out there who have been doing it even longer than that, hearkening back to the days of listserv's and very low-tech message boards. As a young teen I played around with AOL's chat rooms, but it was a couple years later that I started getting on email discussion lists.

My first and primary list was RBFMOJO, a list to discuss the band Reel Big Fish among many other things. I made a lot of friends on that list, I even talk to a couple of them to this day. But there was also a mean streak that ran through our little community. Blame it on teenage hormones, on clashing personalities or on the anonymity of the internet. But we had fights, and some of them got pretty ugly. I was one of the group that posted most often, a sort of clique within the community. I was also one of that clique who was a troublemaker.

When I say I was a troublemaker, I don't mean that I started arguments. Quite often I was reacting to something stupid somebody else said and trying to cut them down to size for being a moron, or defending one of my friends or an innocent bystander. I was trying to be the voice of reason at times. It was the first time in my life that I really felt armed to effectively defend myself against the words of others, and I ran with it. They couldn't see me get upset or cry, I had time to choose my words carefully and best of all I had people, friends who would back me up. Not so in real life, unfortunately; which is why I loved that group during that time.

But over the years as I've been involved in various communities-- other discussion lists, Yahoo groups, online journals, journal communities, message boards, social networking sites, etc.-- I've been able to take a broader view and understand what many of us truly need out of these communities, and what is often sorely lacking.

There's so little support and respect in a lot of them. Internal bickering among members, fighting over stupid details. People trying to force their opinions on others, people who just type to hear themselves talk and feel important without regard for the feelings of others. Members get defensive, get angry, and then everyone else watching the fight happening are made uncomfortable and decide to leave the group. Cliques form, but they are mostly to fend off other members and give the illusion of security to those within the clique.

Not every community is like this. For example, I'm in a community bonded by a common illness that's been absolutely amazing. It's not perfect obviously, but most members try to at least be respectful, even if they disagree at times. I think it's because we all know how horrible the disease we have can be and feel sympathy for one another, but I've seen other communities for this illness that are not as positive. I'm inclined to believe it's the way this particular community was set up in the first place, in addition to the specific people involved that makes it such a welcoming, enjoyable place to be.

Some of the other communities I'm not proud to be a part of have constant bickering. One in particular is related to my career, and is a place where we can all go to vent or rant about the aspects of our job that frustrate us, or people we have to work with that do crazy things. It's about letting the stress out, sharing our shock, anger and amusement (whatever the case may be) and can be very helpful and therapeutic. That is, until the PC-police show up. I don't know why certain members find it necessary to do this, but they are always watching for any little discriminatory remark, or un-PC opinion. And as soon as they find it, they pounce like a predator.

It's sickening and sad to watch them attack their fellow members and fellow professionals in this field just because they decided to describe an individual's ethnicity. Or because they expressed an opinion that by any stretch of the imagination, could possibly restrict a group of people from doing something they want. Endless debates about whether the descriptive details were necessary to the story, endless arguments over who gets to do what in a public place. Insults, accusations, assumptions, you name it.

Where is the solidarity? By the very nature of this community, our field deals with a lot of crazy members of the general public who find it their life's goal to drive us insane or else otherwise into the ground by demeaning us. So we're going to do it to eachother, too? Way to make a stand with your sisters and brothers.

That isn't to say that I'm immune. I jump in too when I've had a bad day and just need somebody faceless to ream into. But usually I'm still on the side of reason, asking why we have to attack eachother. I just do it with clever insults and witty sarcasm that enrages my targets even more. I hope some day that they'll learn not to take everything so seriously or personally, the way I did all those years ago. But chances are I just spur them on. Luckily I know when to stop-- usually when I just plain lose interest. It doesn't take long, because like I said... I don't take the individual comments that seriously.

What I do take seriously is the larger problem. People would rather be in conflict than in union. They'd rather be at war than be forced to deal with themselves in a time of peace. Fighting is a great distraction from the world inside, the ugliness that can and does exist inside each of us. But ignoring that will only make the world uglier and darker, and lead to the destruction of life as we know it. I know that sounds a bit overdramatic, I'm not suggesting that one argument in a Facebook group is going to end the world. But the patterns we're perpetuating by allowing it to not just happen once, but over and over again all over the internet (and the real world as well) most likely will be the end of us. Maybe not soon, but eventually.

And where I started this I will also end it, since Reel Big Fish once covered a song called "Unity" by Operation Ivy that spoke right to the heart of what I'm saying:

Civilization- Ha, I call it as I see it
I call it bullshit you know, I still cannot believe it
Our evolution now has gone the way of hate
A world evolved, resolved into this stupid fate.

All so different, yeah, I say we're all the same
All caught you know in the division game.
Self destruction fast, impending like a bullet
No one can stop it once its fired no one can control it.

A final word, wait it's not a call to action
We ain't no sect, no this ain't no fucking faction
Unity, unity, unity you've heard it all before.
This time it's not exclusive: We want to stop a war.

Love & Marriage

In the morning on my way to work, I usually listen to a particular radio station. I do have a CD player, but it will not work when the car is below a certain temperature. Even when it is warm enough to work, sometimes I just feel like mindlessly listening to chatter. I've grown to like the morning show on this particular station because the deejays are so ridiculously funny and upbeat. There's also a certain level of trash factor, like a talk show, and I have an affinity for some trash.

Like a lot of morning shows, they have topics every morning that people call in and discuss. Recently the topic of marriage has come up in at least a couple of their more specific topics-- today's was "Surprise! I'm calling off the wedding!" I've been hearing a lot of people express their aversion to marriage, and it really kind of puts me off. I guess I'm a little surprised at how many people out there want nothing to do with it.

Now I'm not the type of person who wants to force everyone to agree with me. Don't listen to my boyfriend if he tells you I am, and he probably would. What I have is a competitive streak which when informally challenged to debate comes screaming out into the open. I don't like being told that I'm wrong for my opinions, and sometimes the way others express themselves can sound very challenging.

No, if someone just isn't interested in marriage that's fine. What do I care? As long as they're not somebody I was hoping to marry, it's ultimately their business.

But me, I want to get married. I want the proposal, the wedding, the reception, the honeymoon. And I want a marriage that lasts long after those things are over and done with. I don't want it for religious reasons. I don't really care about a gigantic expensive wedding. I'm a very practical woman, and I definitely don't have illusions about some big diamond engagement ring. For me it's about family and friends, getting to celebrate a major event in life with everyone you care about around you. I know that our society has created other ways of accomplishing this without actually achieving the dreaded m-word. But this is a tradition that goes way way back, and I don't see it hurting anybody. I actually like it.

Part of this is I'm sure because of the marriage I witnessed between my parents. They've been married for over 30 years, and they're happy. It doesn't mean everything has been absolutely perfect, I have a couple specific memories that were not my favorite. And they fight, like anyone. Nevermind what fights they might have had when I wasn't around. But they're fine and they love eachother. And I've marveled at how my dad has put up with my mom, at times. I couldn't do it, our personalities clash in the wrong places. But they did, and that makes me optimistic about being able to do it myself-- with the right person.

I guess I just feel bad for people out there who might be missing out on something that a part of them wants, but that they're denying themselves because of fears and issues that they have. I'm sure that there are people out there who are perfectly happy being alone, or happy being with somebody without ever getting married. I just worry for the ones who could be happiest with marriage, if they could only get past their self-restrictions.

High Tension, Low Tolerance

The past few years I have been experiencing a decreasing physical tolerance to many things. I suppose it's a consequence of age in some ways, but I've also got this digestive-disease monkey on my back which makes things worse.

My tolerance for alcohol greatly decreased at some point during 2005. I estimate this, as it is between the binges that characterized my senior year of college and the times I started getting uncharacteristically sick in 2006 after drinking only a fraction of what I had drank in times past. I had only vomited once before, but began doing so a bit more often until I finally gave in and changed my drinking habits. Even then, I still had some digestive troubles.

My tolerance for medicine seems to have always been low, as I can't remember a time that taking allergy medicine didn't make me loopy. These days, the effects are less fun and more nauseating. New medications often give me nausea, and I can't take Vicodin for more than a couple days before the nausea just becomes too much. No risk of addiction there, I suppose.

Sadly, my tolerance for gore has dramatically decreased over the past several months as well. Not that I ever won "Poker Face of the Year" while watching a gory movie, but at least I could handle watching it. While I can still tolerate it, I feel that my body is less delighted to withstand not only the violence, but the suspense in horror films.

I was watching HIGH TENSION the other night, which I've seen before. To say I was watching it is a little misleading, as much of the time I was often doing something else or on my computer as I listened to what was going on. This is not behavior I reserve for horror movies, I often do it just because I like to multi-task, and a good movie is nice background while doing other chores. It makes it feel less like work. However this time, I think I did purposely do it.

That stress which feels so much like riding a roller coaster, and the revulsion at the sight of blood is no longer tolerated very well by my body. I find it really unnerving, because I am still very much a fan of horror. If this keeps getting worse, how am I to continue enjoying my favorite genre?

Then again, maybe like any medicine if I keep exposing myself to those feelings my sensitivity will settle back down again.

I talk about my health and body way more than anybody else I know. You have to understand that it's on my mind every single day. Maybe as time goes on and I adjust to it I will be more accepting and be able to resist letting it take over my life. But it's still very fresh and young, and like the physical healing that has to occur, the emotional healing takes a lot of work, time and patience.

I promise that the next blog I write will not be about my health... will not touch upon it at all. I'm even sick of hearing myself write about this. Let's move on!

It Felt Like Eternity

For all of the brilliant ideas I kept having for blog entries I'm surprised to sit down and find out that they've snuck away from me while I was busy doing other things. I had to come up with something brand new that hadn't been thought out beforehand. More than that, I had to come up with something that I could actually post publicly. I always have critical thoughts, and I find that many of them are better left unsaid. Especially when you're so often given lame excuses for why something is wrong-- "That's just the way it is. Of course it doesn't make sense!" That's so passive it makes me sick. There, I said it.

This is the thought process that led me to consider my own passiveness at life. I'm not a proactive, aggressive person. I let things happen to me and then react to them, and I avoid doing anything that I find to be too much of a chore. I believe this is a result of several factors, such as laziness, low self-esteem, fear of failure and selfishness. But I suppose in a way I could also blame my desire for immortality.

That, by the way, is the flashy way of saying I'm afraid of dying.

The funny part about my fear is that I do believe that there is something beyond death. I prefer to say that I know there is, but I'll be more diplomatic about it for the non-believers. I really do believe that there is life after death, that souls or something similar to them exist, that there is a non-human force out in the universe with its finger in the honeypot that is humanity. Why the hell am I afraid then? I suppose because of what a huge shock and change it must be to go from one plane of existance to another. Even if I do believe that I know for sure there is something, I don't know exactly what it is or what it's like. And I'm selfish for life as I know it, life as I am.

But if I hang back doing little to further the steps of my life along it does feel as though time itself has slowed. It's such a well known fact that when you get busy, time flies. When you're bored and have nothing to do, it crawls. In reality we know that it only seems that way to us, but what is reality without perception? I know I'm getting into some hardcore cliches here, "If a tree falls in the forest" and all that, but I think my subconscious really does believe those things.

And I see other people doing this too. They put off tasks, delay chores, express annoyed compliance with the things that "just are" for no logical reason except that no one bothers to change them. Sometimes they're just being lazy, sometimes afraid that they're simply incapable; but sometimes I think they're just trying to squeeze a few more diluted, tasteless drops out of life in the pursuit of a longer life. Delaying everything in order to delay the inevitable last moment.

Of course, it's going to come anyways whether we're ready or not. And then we'll say, "Oh no! But I wasn't finished, this can't be the last one." And it will say back to us, "You had your chance, lady. It's off to the River Styx for you now." Then we'll say, "Oh that's just fine, I rather like them anyhow. Do you have karaoke down by the river?"

And that's why you should always do what you can when you can, unless you want to hear other people do classic rock karaoke for eternity. Except of course when living your life to the fullest inevitably leads to loss of said life or a severe downgrade in quality thereof. That's just bloody stupid, and it honestly annoys the crap out of me when people take that concept too far. There's a line, and that line is drawn in dirt by a scythe. But I digress.